I am OFFICIALLY...

[Deleted User] · February 2011

...FREAKING out!!!!

I have lived in New Mexico my whole life. Easy going, cheap, you CAN find a job here. My life will be turned upside down when I move to Los Angeles to be with my BF and end our year long, long distance relationship. I am freaking out about it. I will have my Bachelors degree, but I don't feel as if it will be good enough to get a job. I am so freaked by the mass amounts of people that live there. I keep having to remind myself of the positives; LIVING WITH BF, the ocean, awesome thrift store shopping, the different cultural towns (little mexico, chinatown, etc), and the opportunity to leave my comfort zone.

Has anyone here had a drastic move such as this? Does anyone have any tips? Any comments in general?

Ember01 · February 2011

I think we're the only two around tonight!

But... I'm moving at the end of this year once, FI and I get married. I live in Cleveland, OH and I'm moving to Louisville, KY. I'm also freaking out. I have to sell my house, move away from my parents (who live one block away), quit my 4 jobs (and look for a new job), go to school long distance, and worst of all, give away my kitties!

I was told that it'll be rough at first. They key to it is finding some hobbies of your own. Join a bookclub, take some kind of new class (learn how to knit, cook, decorate cakes, whatever), something to meet new people. You'll hate it if all you know are your boyfriend and his friends. I was also told not to give my FI a guilt trip once I'm there (ie, I moved all this way for you, now what are you going to do for me?). It's hard enough to move in with someone, let alone move across the country to be with them.

[Deleted User] · February 2011

I think we are the only two around as well.

I'm glad I'm not the only one with a scary move ahead. It helps to have others for support. Thanks for the advice. I can't imagine how hard it will be to give away your kitties, kitties can be so comforting. Good luck with finding a job. I am hoping that I can occupy a lot of my time with finding a Grad school out there.

I have learned the guilt trip thing the hard way. I told BF that if I was going to pick up my life and move out there for him, he had to propose before I would move. The conversation ended in a horrendous fight and a week long silent treatment from him. I got over myself, but it was almost the end of us.

jeanacorina · February 2011

Does Small-Town West Virginia to Baton Rouge, Louisiana count? Yes... yes I think it does. And I moved on two week's notice. Basically, at the end of a visit with DH (then-BF), he said "Don't go." And I said "I gotta go get my stuff."

1) Have you visited him there? Visiting is good, but it's so much different to become a local. It's good to leave your comfort zone... it's certainly not all bad. You get used to having lots of people around. I love Baton Rouge because I can get absolutely anything I want at pretty much any time I want it. There are restaurants galore, clothing and department stores I never had access to in WV, and tons of recreational activities like parks, museums, zoos, parades, and volunteering that I didn't have access to before.

2) Get involved when you get there. Connect with your BF's friends, but also branch out. Take a pottery or yoga class. Volunteer in something you love. Join a gym. Get your coffee at the same place every Saturday morning. You'll meet new people and make some very interesting friends that you wouldn't be able to find if you never left NM. Just don't stay home all the time- you'll get lonely if you only go from work to home and never meet new people or try new things.

3) Take advantage of the culture. When in Rome-- or apparently Los Angeles! -- do what they do! Eat the things they eat, go to the popular beaches... listen to what people talk about and try it out. Connect with your new home. It will give you common ground with the folks you meet.

4) You won't be alone. You'll have your BF and that's really the best thing. Look at it as an adventure the two of you are experiencing together. Be brave! You'd go anywhere for him, and you're proving that. If you start to feel a little homesick, then have a relaxing movie night at home with some ice cream and your BF. Appreciate the opportunity to just BE with him.

5) Plan trips to visit family and friends. I go once or twice a year for about a week. It's nice to go home, but the longer I'm a city girl the more I really love it. I find myself less and less homesick and much more a well-adjusted, transplanted yankee.

Good luck, and feel free to PM me if you ever feel lost on what to do. Been there, done that!

Ember01 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-officially?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:70dd0a8e-9349-4666-8be3-eb888fcdfc50Post:b76e3b58-8036-4575-8d56-e0ff385e0ece">Re: I am OFFICIALLY...</a>:
[QUOTE]I think we are the only two around as well. I'm glad I'm not the only one with a scary move ahead. It helps to have others for support. Thanks for the advice. I can't imagine how hard it will be to give away your kitties, kitties can be so comforting. Good luck with finding a job. I am hoping that I can occupy a lot of my time with finding a Grad school out there. I have learned the guilt trip thing the hard way. I told BF that if I was going to pick up my life and move out there for him, he had to propose before I would move. The conversation ended in a horrendous fight and a week long silent treatment from him. I got over myself, but it was almost the end of us.
Posted by amsybot[/QUOTE]

I told my FI the same thing. I wouldn't move out there until he proposed AND we were married. He got really quiet and the conversation ended. We didn't talk about it again until 6 months later. I held my ground that I wouldn't move. The original conversation happened last February. So, it took him nearly a year to propose. I just can't see uprooting my entire life to follow him. If I didn't own a house and all that, I might have been more willing. I didn't use it as an ultimatum, I just told him that I wasn't comfortable selling my house for just a boyfriend. I pride myself on the fact that I was able to buy a home and be independent for the past 6 years (And I wasn't letting a bf take that away from me).

Elle1036 · February 2011

A few years ago, I moved from Louisiana to Houston, TX, which, while smaller than LA, is still an enormous city. It was terrifying in theory, but when I actually did it, I thought "Hey, this isn't scary." And I'm not quite what you'd call a city-girl. I did spend several years in Baton Rouge while I was in college, but before that I lived in a much smaller town in Louisiana.

You've gotten good advice from the others, and I don't really have anything to add. I just want to let you know that I think you'll find it to be not near as big a deal as it is in your head. It'll be great.

[Deleted User] · February 2011

Thank you Jeana, your advice is awesome! As always

I have visited him out there and he plans on finding a place that is not in Hollywood. He lives off of Hollywood BLVD and wants to live somewhere nicer when I go out there. I still have a hard time absorbing the fact that we walked to the Chinese Theater from where he lives! It is very surreal. I am definitely excited about getting what I want when I want. BF called me last night while eating at Subway, I realized it was 1am his time and freaked that Subway was open that late. 24 hour Subway! I will finally be able to experience foods besides mexican, new mexican, american/chinese, and american!!!!!!!! I am very excited about that.

I am fully prepared to get the strange looks and comments when I tell people I am from New Mexico. It's amazing how most people don't realize NM is a state.

Elle, you are probably right. My BF adjusted to LA fairly quick and I know he will help me a lot with the transition.

Ember01 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-officially?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:70dd0a8e-9349-4666-8be3-eb888fcdfc50Post:b9bc5ae8-c7f4-4184-85f2-a2489d2549fd">Re: I am OFFICIALLY...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you Jeana, your advice is awesome! As always :) I have visited him out there and he plans on finding a place that is not in Hollywood. He lives off of Hollywood BLVD and wants to live somewhere nicer when I go out there. I still have a hard time absorbing the fact that we walked to the Chinese Theater from where he lives! It is very surreal. I am definitely excited about getting what I want when I want. BF called me last night while eating at Subway, I realized it was 1am his time and freaked that Subway was open that late. 24 hour Subway! I will finally be able to experience foods besides mexican, new mexican, american/chinese, and american!!!!!!!! I am very excited about that. I am fully prepared to get the strange looks and comments when I tell people I am from New Mexico. It's amazing how most people don't realize NM is a state. Elle, you are probably right. My BF adjusted to LA fairly quick and I know he will help me a lot with the transition.
Posted by amsybot[/QUOTE]

That is so freaking awesome! I've never been to LA.

[Deleted User] · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-officially?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:70dd0a8e-9349-4666-8be3-eb888fcdfc50Post:345ffe5a-a606-49fb-be78-a488636a8889">Re: I am OFFICIALLY...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I am OFFICIALLY... : That is so freaking awesome! I've never been to LA.
Posted by Ember01[/QUOTE]

Awesome and CRAZY at the same time! I recommend going to LA! It is a very neat place. I also recommend riding the public transportation as a mode of seeing the city. I went back in high school to visit some family in SoCal and we made a day trip to LA. We planned the whole thing using public transportation and saw a side of LA that we probably would have never seen if we just drove there. I was run over by a woman in a wheel chair! It was totally my fault because I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to ogle over a male Selena impersonator.

desertsun · February 2011

Try finding a group with a common interest at:

http://www.meetup.com/cities/us/ca/los_angeles/

I grew up in a town with less than 10,000 people. I moved to a small city with half a million people. It was really scary. Honestly, I'd be scared to move from Tucson to LA. LA is intimidating to a small town girl like me. I really admire you for having the courage to make the move! Go, you!

When I moved here, I made friends at school and at work. I highly recommend getting a part-time job at a bookstore or coffee shop if possible.

And remember, you always have your internet friends here!

[Deleted User] · February 2011

Thanks for the link Desert! When I moved to Albuquerque, which is about 500K people, I was pretty scared. I got used to it, but I will always be a small town girl! I hardly have enough courage to move out there though. I can't help but worry about the higher cost of living and higher taxes. I am hoping that the job market is not as bad for a Biologist as I have heard it is.

bourgehm · February 2011

I'm around now! Hello everyone.

I can imagine that would be really nerve wracking especially leading up to it. I'm sure you'll love it once you get there thogh! I agree with desert. Try to find a group or something that you can meet people in. I'm not sure if you're into church, but lots of churches have groups for all different people. That's a good way to meet new friends.

jeanacorina · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-officially?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:70dd0a8e-9349-4666-8be3-eb888fcdfc50Post:b9bc5ae8-c7f4-4184-85f2-a2489d2549fd">Re: I am OFFICIALLY...</a>:
[QUOTE]I am fully prepared to get the strange looks and comments when I tell people I am from New Mexico. It's amazing how most people don't realize NM is a state.
Posted by amsybot[/QUOTE]

I get that with West Virginia, too. TONS of people will start talking about "Virginia" right after I have say "West Virginia."

Honestly, folks... learn your states. lol

I was a little overwhelmed for the first few months I lived here. I really did just go from work to home and nowhere else. I think I came out of my shell a lot more when I transferred to work at the mall instead of a tiny strip center store. There was so much more going on and a lot of variety in the people. Then I went back to college and we moved to a new apartment without roommates but with great neighbors and before I knew it I had two new best friends and we were having dinner parties every few weeks.

Honestly, just get out there and get involved in some things- don't sit around on the couch watching TV every night. I made that mistake and could have been much happier much faster!

redheadtmk · February 2011

I moved from Spokane Wa to Long Island NY on a whim. I always got people thinking I was from DC when I said WA. Then when i said the state, they said " oh, seattle. It rains in WA all the time right?" Like Seattle is the entire state. They were shocked when I told them that central WA is desert and the peninsula has the only rain forest on North America.

It took me about 6 years to get over the excitement of NY because there was so much to do and see. I recommend finding some "regular" places like a favorite coffee shop, or pizza joint to make it feel like home. Other than that, explore and experience as much as possible!

calindi · February 2011

When I started college, my parents left my little 18 year old butt in the middle of Washington, DC and drove away. My 16 year old brother looked at my parents with disgust and just said, "You're LEAVING her here??? All alone?!" My parents cried the whole drive home to their little house in the Boston suburbs where I grew up. I was definitely scared, but absolutely LOVED it! And now I'm a total city girl, and honestly can't imagine living very far from a major city.

As frightening as the size and scale and speed of a city like LA, the opportunities are equally awesome. There are tons of jobs in a variety of sectors - things you couldn't have even imagined while in your current town are opportunities in LA. One of my friends who studied film in college and had settled for a basic secretarial position for a law firm in Chicago landed a job as an assistant right away after moving to LA, working for a very senior person at FOX, where her job is to help with all the TV shows. So she gets to see House and How I Met Your Mother two days earlier than the public, and has met most of the actors. How cool is that???

I totally agree with Meetup.com - they can be a great resource! Also, join a team - kickball is getting popular with the 20-somethings in several big cities as a way to socialize and have a few beers. A lot of places have adult softball. While you're trying to find a job, volunteer somewhere so you get the opportunity to feel useful, have a bit of a regular schedule, and meet new people (it also makes your resume look good). And like redheadtmk said, find a few places that feel like "yours" - a favorite small restaurant, some coffee shop, whatever. Very quickly your neighborhood will feel like yours.

GIve yourself a break if you have a bit of an adjustment time, too. Don't get frustrated if you find yourself hating it at first. There's a timeframe for cultural adjustment, and that's really what you'll experience - culture shock (yes, in your own country). At first you're either hesitant or exuberently exploring, depending on your personality. Next is the preference for the old - when you miss what you had, and find fault with your new place. This lasts on average about 4-6 months, so don't freak - it gets better! Then the adjustment - you see your new place for its good and bad, and you don't compare it as much to the old place - they're just two totally different places at that point where you feel comfortable. That's the average process for culture shock - it helped me just to KNOW what I was going through!

jeanacorina · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-officially?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:70dd0a8e-9349-4666-8be3-eb888fcdfc50Post:f2ad5b12-6d9b-431d-8ac4-d85cb8719aa4">Re: I am OFFICIALLY...</a>:
[QUOTE] I recommend finding some "regular" places like a favorite coffee shop, or pizza joint to make it feel like home.
Posted by redheadtmk[/QUOTE]

This really helped me a lot- I get a caramel soy iced coffee from a local coffee shop every Saturday on my way to volunteer. They know me, they know what I'm getting, they make small talk. It's nice. I feel like I belong here.

DH and I also frequent a local Chinese restaurant, and the owner always comes out to see us when I order tofu. Apparently I'm about the only person who does. She's given me advice on cooking tofu, and has offered to make me some vegetarian miso soup if I'm ever sick- just call and tell her it's for me!

I come from a small town and these are the kinds of things I'm used to. But it's not impossible to get this sort of treatment in a city... you've just got to make yourself a regular at a couple of places. It feels good to belong!

desertsun · February 2011

Ditto what Cate said about an adjustment period. I've heard a lot of people say to give a new place at least a year. Just try to be patient and not get too discouraged if it takes a while to find your niche.

[Deleted User] · February 2011

Thank you for all of your support and advice!

It helps a lot to have so many different views and pieces of advice. I am not moving until July (I am moving on my very last day of school), but I go through cycles where I freak out about it or completely ignore it. I am glad that I have this thread I can go to whenever I start freaking out again!

Thank you guys so much!

I am already excited to find a regular coffee shop, restaurant, and park! I am also excited for the fact that there are actually museums there that I can volunteer at.

sparkles88 · February 2011

I'm going through a similar situation, amsybot. BF has applied to 4 grad schools in 3 different states. I'm going with him wherever he goes, but we won't know where that is until March or April! It's stressful, because I truly can't start looking for a job or an apartment yet. I'm moving but I don't know where!!! So far I've been reading the local boards for each of these cities on The Nest. They're filled with ladies discussing things in and around that area, so you can pick up some tips. I posted a few times with some questions about the area and they gave me some helpful answers. Good luck, amsybot!

perkins81 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-officially?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:70dd0a8e-9349-4666-8be3-eb888fcdfc50Post:0f7e9013-bdf7-4685-b799-6beadf0ccf14">Re: I am OFFICIALLY...</a>:
[QUOTE]I think we're the only two around tonight! But... I'm moving at the end of this year once, FI and I get married. I live in Cleveland, OH and I'm moving to Louisville, KY. I'm also freaking out. I have to sell my house, move away from my parents (who live one block away), quit my 4 jobs (and look for a new job), go to school long distance, and worst of all, give away my kitties! I was told that it'll be rough at first. They key to it is finding some hobbies of your own. Join a bookclub, take some kind of new class (learn how to knit, cook, decorate cakes, whatever), something to meet new people. You'll hate it if all you know are your boyfriend and his friends. I was also told not to give my FI a guilt trip once I'm there (ie, I moved all this way for you, now what are you going to do for me?). It's hard enough to move in with someone, let alone move across the country to be with them.
Posted by Ember01[/QUOTE]

Yes! Find something that you can immediately begin doing with other people that won't interfere with your job when you get one. This is the best way to connect with people and make friends and feel like you fit in. Yes, it will be hard (I've moved about 14 times in my life - around the country and around the world) so I totally know about the anxiety you're feeling. But rest assured - it will work out. There are actually different phases to a transition like this. I've copied a chart below:
<table border="1" cellspacing="2" cellpadding="0" width="468"><tbody><tr><td width="27%">Endings</td><td width="30%">Dealing with Loss</td><td width="43%">Anxiety, Blame, Fear, Shock</td></tr><tr><td width="27%"> Neutral Zone</td><td width="30%">Transitional Period</td><td width="43%">Anxiety, Confusion, Uncertainty</td></tr><tr><td width="27%"> Beginnings</td><td width="30%">Setting New Goals</td><td width="43%">Integration, Reinventing Yourself</td></tr></tbody></table>
You are in the endings stage right now and are having to let go of the familiar and step forward into something new. It is natural to be "freaked out" as you said. When you make the move, you'll enter the neutral zone, which might seem a bit uncertain at first, but keep pushing through (i.e. find a hobby group as mentioned). As y ou adjust and settle in, you'll find yourself embracing your new life and moving forward with expectation.

Keep in mind that these stages can (and probably will) repeat themselves occasionally. It will be normal to one day feel like you're in the new beginning stage, but the next to have moment of home sickness. Don't let that get you down. Expect it to happen and just keep moving forward one day at a time.

Good luck! Oh, and BTW, it's ironic that you grew up in NM and are moving away. I grew up everywhere else and just moved to NM to get married. LOL

[Deleted User] · February 2011

Perkins, that is ironic that you just moved to NM! I hope that you like it! We have such neat cultural things to do and see!

Thanks for the chart and reassurance. Today I was at work and talking with everyone about how sad I will be to not have any more burritos (I have been eating an unnatural amount of burritos to make up for it) and everyone was telling me to enjoy all the other food that they have in LA. Burritos have had their time in my life and soon it'll be time to broaden my palate!

*sigh* how I love my mexican food

jeanacorina · February 2011

I am pretty sure they have Mexican food in Los Angeles. We have plenty of Mexican food in Baton Rouge, and LA is way more diverse.

Chin up!

ravenray · February 2011

I know they have mexican food in LA. Some of it's pretty good too. So no fears there. Good luck on your move! In the end everything will work out great! All the PP gave great advice just listen to them and you will do fine!

hannahnola · February 2011

Well welcome to LOUISIANA! I am in Lafayette, we are pretty welcoming down here. Try going to Walk Ons, and you gota hit up some LSU football games, fun doesnt explain it. Im sure you are a canes addict by now haha.

motoLyn · February 2011

Psssst..... I know its scary at first but you'll have your BF and if you want we can chat here and if you feel comfy I can be your pseudo Los Angeles Buddy. I was born and raised in Los Angeles, went to school on the Westside at UCLA and my bestfriend lives in Koreatown which is east of where the Kodak Theater and Grauman's Chinese is.

I live in Orange County now, which is like a 20-30 minute drive. I can definitely say its a culture shock going from one place to another. But there are SO many good places to eat at and things to do. I'll teach you how to surf! I am glad that you are getting to join up with your BF. I hope that you enjoy it out here. Besides BF if you want to talk or ask any questions I'm happy to answer, yay! Another person I know from here besides Jill and Skyler.

jeanacorina · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-officially?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:70dd0a8e-9349-4666-8be3-eb888fcdfc50Post:89b9afc3-b3d2-4e2d-8d49-5075bb8bfe44">Re: I am OFFICIALLY...</a>:
[QUOTE]Well welcome to LOUISIANA! I am in Lafayette, we are pretty welcoming down here. Try going to Walk Ons, and you gota hit up some LSU football games, fun doesnt explain it. Im sure you are a canes addict by now haha.
Posted by hannahnola[/QUOTE]

Haha, thank you. I've been here for about 4 years now, and I'm an LSU student. So, I am familiar with Walk Ons and LSU games, although I haven't gone to either. Canes chicken was actually the last meat I ever ate before going vegetarian, now I occasionally order fries with Cane's sauce and a lemonade. Good stuff!

It's really neat how Mardi Gras is celebrated here and nowhere else I have ever lived. And Lent is a big deal, too. And football is like its own religion. Southern Louisiana has a very interesting culture. My husband had to explain so many things when I moved here. lol

[Deleted User] · February 2011

They have mexican food, but not my regular new mexican food. I just need to stock up on green chile and I can turn anything into new mexican food! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Yay, Moto! I will definitely message you if I have any questions about Los Angeles. BF is already learning the lingo you guys have out there. I LOVE the Orange Co. area, I have family in San Juan Capistrano! Surfing sounds fun, but scary!

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