Talking dates before the ring?

heartu618

So, the bf tells me everything despite the fact that he knows I love surprises.  I didn't want to be involved at all in the "engagement" process and initially was annoyed when he started asking me to point out rings I like (ring shopping).  And then it was the little comments ( my future wife, i know you're the one, mrs. hislastname) which really got under my skin.  I like action, if you mean these things then prove them. Don't just say them.  Anywho, that was 4 months ago and I made him vow to never even hint at marriage until he was ready to propose.  A few weeks ago he sent me a picture of a ring, I approved, and he's been making payments on the ring every week.  For me, I'm still waiting ont he actual proposal because I know that is something special for both of us and will make it official.  But we've already started talking about what time of year we want to be married. Not setting dates or anything, just discussing it.  Could this make my anxiety resurface? Did you do this with your BF before you were engaged? Advice?
I have thick skin, so trust that you won't hurt my feelings on being too blunt.

[Deleted User]

I think you might be contradicting yourself a little... You said you 'made him vow to never even hint at marriage until he was ready to propose' but then you've 'already started talking about what time of year' you want to be married...

I dont think there's anything wrong with talking about it before he's actually proposed but if you really want it to be a surprise, don't talk about it anymore... you will definitely ruin it for yourself...

I did the same thing a couple of months ago... BF started hinting more than usual, caling me Mrs., etc... and then in the same sentence mentioned going to Baltimore next month and jokingly I said "oh you can do it in Baltimore..." and I totally ruined it because that was his plan all along... Now, our trip to Baltimore is a few weeks away and its been taking all my energy to not wonder if he's still going to do it then...

So, just be careful what you talk about... and most importantly, as many of the ladies here will tell you, enjoy your relationship as it is now...

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_talking-dates-before-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7346bde2-ae49-4531-ba3f-6b6f5b8eff50Post:a17820d1-4fa0-40c7-86e5-9a76e730eaef">Talking dates before the ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]So, the bf tells me everything despite the fact that he knows I love surprises.  I didn't want to be involved at all in the "engagement" process and initially was annoyed when he started asking me to point out rings I like (ring shopping).  And then it was the little comments ( my future wife, i know you're the one, mrs. hislastname) which really got under my skin.  I like action, if you mean these things then prove them. Don't just say them.  Anywho, that was 4 months ago and I made him vow to never even hint at marriage until he was ready to propose.  A few weeks ago he sent me a picture of a ring, I approved, and he's been making payments on the ring every week.  For me, I'm still waiting ont he actual proposal because I know that is something special for both of us and will make it official.  But we've already started talking about what time of year we want to be married. Not setting dates or anything, just discussing it.  Could this make my anxiety resurface? Did you do this with your BF before you were engaged? Advice? I have thick skin, so trust that you won't hurt my feelings on being too blunt.
Posted by heartu618[/QUOTE]

If you're not comfortable with it, tell him!  It's okay to wait until you're engaged to have these discussions.  Besides, the date will depend on a lot of factors, including what venue you pick and what they have available.

I guess the thing you need to figure out is why you are anxious.  Do you want to get married?  It sounds like all the steps have rubbed you the wrong way, and that it has been more stress than fun this far.  Do you just want to elope and skip the whole 'wedding planning' process?  It's important to know what you want and what the source of the stress is for you.  Talk to your boyfriend about it and be honest and open with the conversation.  I'm sure you'll both work it out so you're happy!

heartu618

thanks ladies.  I think initially I was upset with the first "ring shopping" experience because I didn't want to be involved...I wanted him to take the time and pick something that he thought I would like and surprise me. Then I went in overdrive reading all these blogs about engaged women and women waiting on their boyfriend of 50 yrs to propose...drove myself nuts! lol   Earlier in our relationship when we discussed goals and if this leads to marriage, I told him that I definitely do NOT want a ceremony. So its not about that for me. I just didn't want to be strung along and start thinking I was engaged without actually being engaged.  Now that I know he's serious, I dont want to repeat the anxiety and jump the gun.  We discussed time of year because of the season we would be celebrating anniversary.

Elle1036

Heart, I'm pretty much the opposite of you.  I'm a control freak and I hate surprises, so my thoughts might not be valid, but BF and I have casually discussed a lot of little details about our wedding.  Really, it just makes me happy to know that he's looking forward to it like I am.

However, the most important thing is to keep communication open.  If you don't want him to talk about details before proposing, tell him that.  If you want him to pick the ring out by himself, tell him that, too.  Good luck!