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Parental Blessings.

KhaosBabiieKhaosBabiie
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If you're engaged did your boyfriend/fiance ask your parents/father for their permission or blessing? 

The reason I'm asking...My boyfriend and I are on the younger side (Ill be 21 in August, he just turned 20). & my dad has told me he wants me to finish college before getting married/kids. BUT, my boyfriend will be done with fire academy around this time next year, and we'd like to be planning a wedding by that time. We don't want him putting his life on the line everyday without counting down to a wedding day. 
My dad and I aren't super close (I'm by no means a daddy's girl), but he said he is willing to pay for our honeymoon if we do it right (no living together before we get married, my dad is very religious). But I'm afraid he won't give his blessing and won't participate in my future wedding, I want him to walk me down the aisle & I want my father/daughter dance.

My boyfriend has told me that if my dad says no, it will end up as a "With all due respect, sir..." situation. But I'd rather it not come to that...

Any advice, suggestions, or similar situtations? 

I know a ton of people are going to tell me to wait a while, but thats something my boyfriend & I aren't comfortable doing, especially with his line of work...

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Re: Parental Blessings.

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    KhaosBabiieKhaosBabiie
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'll be graduating with a degree in Child Development (I want to be an Infant Toddler Specialist) in Spring of 2013. I'm in my third year at a Junior College, but had a rough start to college & a lot of bumps in the road during last year. Hence, having a five year college career (I've heard it's common and am trying not to be hard on myself about it.)
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    SeaTea02SeaTea02
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_parental-blessings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:74552997-07f4-4c7a-b64d-8bd9abfbdcadPost:66d1e90d-9b71-4edc-8613-4ca1025e59e2">Parental Blessings.</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you're engaged did your boyfriend/fiance ask your parents/father for their permission or blessing?  The reason I'm asking...My boyfriend and I are on the younger side (Ill be 21 in August, he just turned 20). & my dad has told me he wants me to finish college before getting married/kids. BUT, my boyfriend will be done with fire academy around this time next year, and we'd like to be planning a wedding by that time. <strong>We don't want him putting his life on the line everyday without counting down to a wedding day</strong>.  My dad and I aren't super close (I'm by no means a daddy's girl), but he said he is willing to pay for our honeymoon if we do it right (no living together before we get married, my dad is very religious). But I'm afraid he won't give his blessing and won't participate in my future wedding, I want him to walk me down the aisle & I want my father/daughter dance. My boyfriend has told me that if my dad says no, it will end up as a "With all due respect, sir..." situation. But I'd rather it not come to that... Any advice, suggestions, or similar situtations?  I know a ton of people are going to tell me to wait a while, but thats <strong>something my boyfriend & I aren't comfortable doing, especially with his line of work...</strong>
    Posted by KhaosBabiie[/QUOTE]

    <div>Can you explain this further? I don't see what being a fire fighter has to do with getting married. He isn't military and going to be deployed and stationed elsewhere. What benefit does being engaged or married have for that line of work? </div><div>
    </div><div>I think it is wise to finish school before getting married, not engaged, but married. The only rush to getting engaged is what you said in bold above. Honestly, it just seems like a silly excuse. </div>

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    emmalujeskeemmalujeske member
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    edited December 2011
    If you want to get married sooner than later, I don't feel that your father's outlook is going to change before then. Your BF needs to ask your father out of respect. Most religious men especially expect that. You're options are to announce your engagement without giving your father prior warning and risk him being upset with you, or your BF can ask his blessing and they can have an adult converstation about why your father does or doesn't give his blessing.

    My BF just 'talked' with my dad last Saturday. It wasn't something he wanted to do (especially at age 30), but he did it out of respect for my father. There are many things in life that they don't agree on, but my dad's ultimate feelings are: as long as he provides for me, cares for me, loves me, and makes me happy, then he will support our marriage.
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    leia1979leia1979 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_parental-blessings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:74552997-07f4-4c7a-b64d-8bd9abfbdcadPost:5e322476-c439-48fd-bf9d-5a7a3e09ef3d">Re: Parental Blessings.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Parental Blessings. : Can you explain this further? I don't see what being a fire fighter has to do with getting married. He isn't military and going to be deployed and stationed elsewhere. What benefit does being engaged or married have for that line of work?  I think it is wise to finish school before getting married, not engaged, but married. The only rush to getting engaged is what you said in bold above. Honestly, it just seems like a silly excuse. 
    Posted by SeaTea02[/QUOTE]

    Agreed.

    But to answer OP's question, I specifically asked FI not to go to my parents. In my mind, it's completely unnecessary. We are adults who already lived together. If other people want that, it's totally their call.

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    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am pretty close with my parents. Before Andrew and I move, he will talk with my father and ask for my hand in marriage, since my dad said this was important to him. I wouldn't want to do anything that would compromise my relationship with my father.

    If I were you, I would talk to my dad first- tell him how much I loved my SO and ask im what his opinions were. Would it be okay to get engaged now and then get married in the spring/summer/autumn of 2013? I know 2013 seems far away (I KNOW...because Andrew wants to wait until 2013...), but if you really think about it....it will fly by. You're both so young- and two years is nothing in the scheme of things.

    You'll be able to save up for a nicer wedding and the dress you really want. And you won't have to compromise your relationship with your dad. You'll be able to plan your wedding without the stress of school. It would be nice. :)

    Good Luck with whatever decision you choose! Ultimately, it's your life- not your parent's.
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    zipis1zipis1 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Like Leia I specifically told FI not to ask my dad. I would have been highly insulted and would actually have reconsidered the relationship if he had.

    That said, there really is no rush. Firefighter fatalaties are very rare, and it does seem like a silly excuse to eat your cake sooner rather than later to me. But if this is something you really want to do, you're just going to have to be an adult about it and accept the consequences of your actions, i.e., possibly not have your dad at your wedding. If him being there is really important to you, then you should probably wait.



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    bourgehmbourgehm
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_parental-blessings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:74552997-07f4-4c7a-b64d-8bd9abfbdcadPost:66d1e90d-9b71-4edc-8613-4ca1025e59e2">Parental Blessings.</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you're engaged did your boyfriend/fiance ask your parents/father for their permission or blessing?  The reason I'm asking...My boyfriend and I are on the younger side (Ill be 21 in August, he just turned 20). &<strong> my dad has told me he wants me to finish college before getting married/kids.</strong> BUT, my boyfriend will be done with fire academy around this time next year, and we'd like to be planning a wedding by that time. We don't want him putting his life on the line everyday without counting down to a wedding day.  My dad and I aren't super close (I'm by no means a daddy's girl), but he said he is willing to pay for our honeymoon if we do it right (no living together before we get married, my dad is very religious). But I'm afraid he won't give his blessing and won't participate in my future wedding, I want him to walk me down the aisle & I want my father/daughter dance. My boyfriend has told me that if my dad says no, it will end up as a "With all due respect, sir..." situation. But I'd rather it not come to that... Any advice, suggestions, or similar situtations?  I know a ton of people are going to tell me to wait a while, but thats something my boyfriend & I aren't comfortable doing, especially with his line of work...
    Posted by KhaosBabiie[/QUOTE]


    Your dad is wise.

    I think it's silly to rule out waiting just because of "his line of work".  Think about it. I've chosen to wait until I finish college to get married. Anyays, yes FI did ask my dad. He said 'wait until Hope's birthday'. So FI did. Family is important to us, and their opinion matters. So, we took their ideas into consideration. Dad also told us he wants us to finish college first. After I pouted a bit, I decided to mature a while and wait until after graduation to be married. I'm so glad I did now. I couldn't imagine being married at this point in my life while I'm just trying to pass calc, let alone be married at the same time.
    When you love someone, you can tell. When you're in love with someone, everyone else can tell.
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    bourgehmbourgehm
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    edited December 2011
    Seatea, great minds think alike. I didn't even read the responses before I posted my own, but now I see we wrote the same thing pretty much.
    When you love someone, you can tell. When you're in love with someone, everyone else can tell.
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I know you don't want to hear it but I'm going to say it anyway. Your dad is wise. Waiting until after you finish school is a really good idea. My BF and I have been together since we were 18 and we are waiting until we are done with college. It sucks to wait sometimes but it will be worth it. I don't really understand your reason for not waiting, it sounds like you just don't want to.

    As for your question, I am a total daddy's girl. I'm very close with my dad and it is important to me that my BF ask my dad for his blessing.

    My boyfriend has told me that if my dad says no, it will end up as a "With all due respect, sir..." situation. But I'd rather it not come to that...

    BF's friends went that route. It did not end well. If you are expecting him to pay for things you have to play by his rules, period. If you are willing to pay for everything then do whatever the hell you want but money comes with strings.


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    Elle1036Elle1036 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Once again, I may as well not even answer the question since Leia has already spoken for me without realizing it.

    I also agree with everyone else about your reasoning for having the wedding before you graduate.  I don't get your logic.  There's nothing about his career that will make it advantageous to be "counting down to a wedding" now instead of later.
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    Blue & WhiteBlue & White member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    From a junior college instructor's perspective...
    Life gets way harder when you're married and/or with child.  But if you do go this route, PLEASE be respectful enough to schedule your OBGYN appointments at a time that doesn't conflict with your class schedule. 

    As for my life...
    My dad loves the crap out of my BF.  I imagine BF will ask dad for his permission because BF respects my dad a ton.  Dad will say yes.  I have zero doubts, but I also have an amazing relationship with my dad.  It sounds like you've already decided you want to get married ASAP, so I'm not sure it'll matter what your dad says.  And frankly, if your dad doesn't agree, he's just not going to pay for your honeymoon.  If you're indeed ready to be married, that shouldn't be a huge financial set-back.


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    ADTonkADTonk
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    edited December 2011
    I am going to have to agree with PP's on this one.. wait until you're done school to get married.  It's really not that far away and your college years FLY by.

    This is not to say that you can't get engaged now and married later.  Think about this:

    1. Is your dad contributing financially to your wedding other than that honeymoon?  Are you able to pay for everything if your dad is upset and decides to withdrawal his financial offer?

    2. Are you willing to sacrafice your relationship with your family to be with this guy?  Going against their wishes will upset them and will surely cause some problems.

    3. Has anyone ever said "your parents have been your age before" or "your parents know what is good for you".. it's absolutely true.

    4. College is tough.  You won't have a ton of time or money while you're still in college.  Planning a wedding while in school is very stressful.  The whole planning process will be much easier when you can come home from work and work on wedding plans without worrying about homework and papers.

    5. His line of work is a silly excuse to get married now.  I understand you want to do this now but really, not much changes after you're married.. except that you get to file your taxes on one piece of paper. 

    6. This will probably go over A LOT better if your FI asks your dad for your hand in marriage and asks him when he feels it's appropriate to have the wedding.  If your dad says he wants you to wait until after graduation, then wait.  You get to keep your relationship with your dad (and family) and you get to get married too.  No one says you can't plan while you're still in school.. and get married right after graduation. 

    I think that's it.
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    IrishDreamerIrishDreamer member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    The logic just doesn't seem to be there. Not trying to sound snarky or anything.

    SO is very old fashioned, and I am SOOOOOOO not. But being married and divorced already once and not doing it right, I know how important it is to my grandfather that SO ask him for my hand. While I'm not crazy about it, I really hurt my grandfather by getting married with no one knowing and no one being involved (i was young, and reaaaally stupid, I am fully aware lol). My grandfather is very religious, and VERY important to me. He is truly my best friend, and in the end will probably help with the wedding as well. If something so simple would make him happy, I'm fine with it. SO & I have lived together since the beginning, Pop knows it, isn't happy with it, but he understands we aren't him and my gma.

    Okay, so i rambled a little....my point is, if it is important to your dad, and your dad is important to you, then wait. I see no rush simply because he is a firefighter. FBIL is a firefighter, and some of my best friends are as well, and that had no effect on their engagements/weddings, etc. *shrugs* Sounds to me like priorities need to be rearranged in this situation.
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    IrishDreamerIrishDreamer member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Can I also mention how your financial aid changes when you're married??? BIG TIME!!
    College is stressful enough, (trust me...I've been doing it for a long time now)...why add money issues into it by getting married while still in school, plus adding the wedding costs...PSH....no way, dude....

    Okay....I'm done :-P

    Again, please don't take this as condescending or anything. I've just done a lot of stupid A$$ things in my life...I'd rather not see anyone have to go through the heartache and troubles I did
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    Ember01Ember01
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Please reconsider getting engaged and married soon. Citing his line of work as a reason to get married, isn't a good reason.

    I would be willing to bet that if your dad would tell your BF no, he has good reason behind it. Dad's don't just say no to a guy asking for his daughter's hand in marriage for the fun of it or to be spiteful. They typically have a good reason behind it. Also, what is the point in asking, if you BF is already planning on marrying you, even if your dad says no? It is respectful to ask, but it is really disrespectful to say, "You say no? Well, we are doing it anyways".

    My advice? Finish college, live on your own, by yourself for a few years. Learn who you are as an adult. Once you do that, then get engaged and get married. If you love him now and you are meant to be together, that won't change in 5 years.
    ~~December 3, 2011~~
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    csousa1csousa1 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Hunny, if he is hurt in the line of duty, it will be hard for you whether you are married, engaged, pregnant, living together, or none of the above. You love him, he has a risky job, that is stressful. A wedding will not make any of that less stressful or painful.

    I think you should try to enjoy what you have now, while he is still in school and not out fighting fires yet, and let things happen as they will. It will be a stressful enough time when he starts working that you may not want to add the stress of planning a wedding on top of it. Especially if you are also dealing with the fallout of a fight between your BF and father.

    And pray for your BF every day that he is out fighting fires. That will help.
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    peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Ditto everyone else.  

    Being at a school "know for making marriages" (seriously, it gets beyond ridiculous starting junior year with engagements), I've watched a few girls go from engaged to married before graduating.  It's weird when all of a sudden you're talking to them and they're like "Oh, I have to leave in the middle of class for my husband" or suddenly don't want to do things because they're married.  If you get married before finishing school, in some cases, it's honestly like losing a friend for those around you.  I've experienced it.  It's not fun.  And I side-eye those girls that do it.

    Secondly, having dealt with issues between parents and FI, well, if you can avoid conflict do so at all costs.  FI asked my dad because it was important to him, and dad and I had already talked, and he had given me the go ahead.  I would never have let FI spring him with that question with no warning that that was where things were headed, and dad gave both of us his blessing.  Mom, on the other hand, is just starting to warm up to FI.  Seriously, took her 3 years.

    Pray for your BF.  But a ring on your finger will not make things easier when he's risking his life.  Enjoy what you have now - enjoy school and your friends and him.  Don't push this, if you do, it only makes it harder.
    I french with my man
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    jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I agree with PP's, your reason for getting married so soon is kind of stupid (not to be harsh, but it is).  I agree 110% with your dad that you should wait until after you graduate to get married.  It might be okay to get engaged during school, but I think getting married isn't a smart idea. 

    To answer your question though, no, FI didn't ask my dad.  My dad is seriously in the doghouse with me right now and I actually would have been pissed if FI asked him.  I'm an adult (and a college graduate) capable of making my own decisions and I don't need my parents permission to do anything.  Then again, they haven't paid for anything since I was 16, not my clothes, car, cell phone, tuition, anything.  They also aren't paying for my wedding or my honeymoon...so I have no obligation to them to get their permission for anything. 

    Honestly, I don't think anyone should ever consider getting married unless they are 100% financially independent from their parents, and that includes any contributions they might make towards your education, wedding or honeymoon. (not saying they can't pay for those things, just that you should have the means to pay for it yourself if they weren't able to help)
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    Sparrow87Sparrow87
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I can only speak for myself, and I know that I'm a completely different person now than I was my first year of college (4 years ago.)  I was so in love and wanted to marry my boyfriend at the time, but things didn't pan out (glad they didn't.)  And I can whole heartedly honestly say that if I had gotten married when I was 20 I would be divorced by now, and I'm only 23.  It's unexpected but a lot of people and girls in particular find themselves during college, I want different things out of life now than I didn't back then, and rushing into a commitment isn't a good idea IMO. 

    Besides if your scared that something bad could happen to him being a firefighter, getting engaged/married isn't going to change his line of work or your worrying about it. 
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    NurseyKNurseyK
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_parental-blessings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:74552997-07f4-4c7a-b64d-8bd9abfbdcadPost:27a8ff91-db17-4315-8e78-165ddba00f7d">Re: Parental Blessings.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can only speak for myself, and I know that I'm a completely different person now than I was my first year of college (4 years ago.)  I was so in love and wanted to marry my boyfriend at the time, but things didn't pan out (glad they didn't.)  And I can whole heartedly honestly say that if I had gotten married when I was 20 I would be divorced by now, and I'm only 23. <strong> It's unexpected but a lot of people and girls in particular find themselves during college, I want different things out of life now than I didn't back then, </strong>and rushing into a commitment isn't a good idea IMO.  Besides if your scared that something bad could happen to him being a firefighter, getting engaged/married isn't going to change his line of work or your worrying about it. 
    Posted by Sparrow87[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Totally and completely agree. I changed a lot from 20-23, and a lot more from 23-26. Right when I realized I was ready for marriage (26ish) was when I completely gave up on trying to find myself..... because I realized I had that year. Now, at 28, I'm totally happy that I spent my 20s traveling, living in different states, screwing up, falling in and out of love, and most importantly becoming completely independent from my parents and their finances, morals, and expectations. For me, it really took that long. Everybody is different and I don't know you... However, from experience I can tell you that you will change even though right now you are thinking "I totally know myself and I'm not going to change!". Yes you will. Ask anyone who is my age. </div><div>
    </div><div>Sidenote.... being "only 28" I fully expect to change again when I get married and have kids, because I have been told to expect that.

    </div>
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    PaigeMcCPaigeMcC member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    What they said.

    "Popular on the internetz..."
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    sapphirebaby926sapphirebaby926
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I really think you should wait honestly - getting married because of your bf's line of work is not a good reason IMO. There is really no benefit to being married in his chosen occupation.

    I get that it is stressful to be the SO of someone who is in a high risk job but that stress and worry isn't going to just go away because you get married. There is always going to be that risk every time he works and if you can't handle that now I don't know how you're going to handle it when he graduates from the academy and starts fighting real fires.

    I think you should wait until after he has graduated and has been working for awhile before getting married. LIke a PP said firefighter injuries and fatalities are, fortunately, not all that common.

    As far as asking for my parents permission or blessing my DH did not and I would have been upset if he actually asked for their permission. I was okay with him asking for their blessing but we didn't need their permission to get married - we are both independent adults and capable of making grown-up decisions without needing their permission.
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    KhaosBabiieKhaosBabiie
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think that everyone is assuming because I am only 20, that I am still financially dependent on my parents. When I am not, at all. I pay for school, books, bills, car payment, everything. The only person I do depend on is my grandmother, as she is whom I live with. I don't pay "rent" per say, but do contribute financially for things I use/ eat/ etc. It's pretty much the place where I sleep and shower. I'm normally at school or work. Other than that, it's all me. 
    I've already spoken to her about the given subject, and she supports me. 

    Also any ideas on how to include step-parents when the day does come? 
    My dad is re-married, and both of boyfriends parents are re-married. I've already decided I don't want to include my "step-mom" (HATE that word in regards to her! She is not my mom, she is my dad's wife, and we don't get along.) But I would like to involve boyfriends step-parents in some way! 

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    leia1979leia1979 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    It's great that your grandmother is supportive, but I still agree with your dad. What will you lose by graduating college first?

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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I'm 20, there are quite a few girls here who are 20/21 years old who gave you good advice here. You lose NOTHING by finishing college but you can gain so much. I know how much it sucks to wait. My BF and I have been together since we were 18. We've been together through all of college. Finishing college before getting married/engaged isn't just about financial stability (although that is important) it's also about how much you change during those years. I'm graduating in the fall and I've changed so much since my first year of college it's crazy! Your relationship can benefit so much from taking your time.

    Also, it's irritating that we all gave you advice that you pretty much blew off. If all you want is validation you aren't going to get it here.


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    KhaosBabiieKhaosBabiie
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm not trying to validate anything. I'm just trying to get another people's views, their stories, opinions, and things they agree/disagree with. And in that process I was clarifying what my life is like, as well as my financial situation and dependency on my parents. 
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Well since you are in the clarifying mood, could you clarify why you don't want to wait?


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    sapphirebaby926sapphirebaby926
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_parental-blessings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:74552997-07f4-4c7a-b64d-8bd9abfbdcadPost:c19a6e20-35e9-451b-a573-2e7d75206957">Re: Parental Blessings.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well since you are in the clarifying mood, could you clarify why you don't want to wait?
    Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

    I would also like to know the answer to this
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    calindicalindi member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Like everyone else, I think you should wait.  I know it's not what you want to hear, but there's a variety (well, really a plethora) of reasons why it would be better to wait than have it ASAP.  Not the least of which is that marriage is a big enough journey to start out on in its own right, and it helps to have your family's full support if possible.

    And I don't see why his career requires being married.  I'm engaged to a Marine.  I just wrote a card today to an Army wife who is 22 years old whose husband got blown up in Afghanistan on New Years Eve and is currently trying to learn to live with 3 fewer limbs.  And I still wouldn't advise any Marine significant other to get married in a rush before a deployment.  In fact, I'd advise them the exact opposite if at all possible.  So the 'dangerous career' bit is really just an excuse, and to be honest, not a very good one.  If in the unlikely event something happened to him, it wouldn't make it any easier to be married.  You'd still have the same challenges and feel the same emotions, and it wouldn't keep him safe.

    Wait.  Just wait until you graduate college.

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