Update-Kind of

ravenray · December 2011

So remember when I posted last month about my cousin who I didn't want to invite to our wedding? Well I DD'd it so going back and finding the link won't help you. So for those of you who did read it, here is my semi update.

My mom tried to pressure me into going to counseling and I told her she should go, not me. Well she did, much to my surprise. She talked to me and told me basically how the counselor told her how badly my parents have handled the whole thing. She is all remorse now and has apologized for handling it badly and causing me so much pain. Anyways so remember before how she wanted me to go talk to my cousin? Well new plan now, my parents are going to talk to his mom (my favorite aunt) and let her know that her son is not invited, which is a huge relief off my shoulders.

So now that you are updated, to the advice part. My mom is supposed to talk to my aunt this week, Wednesday. I'm terrified. I love my aunt, her daughter is in my bridal party, and I don't want her to hate me. I know there is nothing I can do to make her feel a certain way but mostly I need help getting through this week. I am sure my mom doesn't want to do this either and I feel bad for her but I am glad that they are doing this for me. I am so afraid my aunt will hate me and turn on our side of the family. I really don't want her too, it would devastate me, but of course having him at the wedding isn't an option. So healthy thoughts? Prayers? Vibes? Things I can do to distract myself? Hugs? It's stressing me out.

elannis · December 2011

I'm glad she was able to see that things weren't handled properly and that you don't have to worry about him coming to the wedding. I don't know how your aunt will react, but hopefully she will be able to listen and understand and I'm sure no matter what happens, she won't hate you. I don't know what happened, but I remember the original post and I hope you all can figure out how to handle this properly now. Hugs and good luck!

ravenray · December 2011

Thanks Ely. I appreciate the hugs I need them.

polkadot111 · December 2011

Oh yay, Raven. Sounds like your mom handled it WONDERFULLY! Much better than it seemed like you expected her to in your last post. Very nice. I'm glad that this has been taking (partly at least) off your shoulders and that your mom will deal with your aunt now.

I just said a prayer for you and will continue to pray for you! Update us Wednesday with how it went.

Love you!!!!

ravenray · December 2011

Thanks for the prayers and love Hope

It means a lot.

you too!

becunning2 · December 2011

I'm really glad that you stood up for yourself and that your mom listened and actually went to counseling, which appears to have a been a very good thing for you and for her. I'm glad they're stepping up to approach your aunt, and here are t&p and vibes and all that jazz that it goes as smoothly as possible with your aunt. Hugs, dear.

csousa1 · December 2011

I am praying that you find peace and resolution in this situation and that everyone is able to heal from any negativity that has resulted from it.

Your mother is doing the right thing, finally. This will be a very hard thing for your aunt to hear about her son, but I hope for everyone that she receives the information well and sees the truth.

No matter what happens though, Ray, you are NOT responsible for your aunt's reaction. I don't think she will, but if for some reason she does react badly and turns against any of you, that would be her fault and NO ONE else's - except maybe her son's for starting this entire situation in the first place. Whatever happened to you with him was not your fault, and neither is this. It will be hard to accept that you have to let go of your aunt's reaction entirely, but you do have to. It is not yours to control.

Hugs to you sweetie, and even if this does get worse before it gets better, you did the right thing in telling your mom what you did. She is doing the right thing now by finally taking the brunt of this burden you have been carrying off your shoulders. Give your worry and stress and fear to God - he knows how to take care of it way better than you do, and that's what He's there for. Love you!

Ollie08 · December 2011

I am so happy that your mom is realizing how she could have handled the situation better and that she is stepping up to the plate to help you out. I remember how torn up you were about it. And I'm sure if this is your favorite aunt, she will know that it's a big deal if you don't want him at the wedding. I'm sure it will all be fine.

But until it's all said and done :::hugs:::

desertsun · December 2011

I think some counseling would also help you, Raven.

It seems pretty clear to me that you have not completely dealt with whatever happened, and having a professional to talk to can only benefit you.

I think that not handling the situation yourself indicates that you still see yourself as a victim. You're sitting back and letting your parents do the scary part for you.

I guess maybe b/c I don't know what happened, I shouldn't be critical.

But it really rubs me the wrong way that everyone here is all, Yay, your parents are going to do your dirty work for you. You're a grown woman, and I think you should be able to face your aunt yourself.

Maybe a good step in the right direction would be to at least call your aunt after your parents talk to her.

And to get some counseling for yourself.

I don't want to be a biitch here. I understand you went through something traumatic and it's not going to heal overnight. But the fact that you can't discuss what you went through indicates that you still haven't really faced it yourself, and I don't think that's healthy for you, esp if there was a sexual aspect to what happened and you're about to be married. You want to be mentally healthy about sex. That is what your future husband deserves. It's what YOU deserve.

JMO.

SopChick · December 2011

I'm glad your mom is able to see things more sympathetically after her counselling, but I do agree with Desert. I think you might benefit from talking to a professional to help you fully deal with what happened and to heal as much as possible. I think this is something that you really can't fully put behind you on your own.

As for your aunt, you have no control over what her reaction will be, which I know is scary. I hope everything goes well on Wednesday, please be sure to come back and update to let us know how it goes.

*huge hugs!*

csousa1 · December 2011

I have to add that I completely agree with Desert that you need to face this, get counseling, and that you should talk to your aunt as well.

When I said that I am glad your mom is finally doing the right thing, I meant it more in terms of accepting that this happened and believing you, and getting behind whatever you want to do to deal with this. I told you this before, but my mother was sexually abused by her cousin when she was little, and my grandmother told her to stop making up stories and to never tell anyone else, so that there was no family drama. While your mom was not as bad as my grandmother, I do have a bias against a mother ever downplaying any kind of abuse against her child.

What I meant was that I'm glad that she isn't doing that anymore, and that she is helping you now, but I agree with Desert that you need to face some of it yourself as well - for your own benefit. I don't think that having your mom talk to your aunt is a bad thing or necessarily doing your dirty work, but you should talk to your aunt about it as well. She will probably want to talk to you about it anyway, because she loves you and will want to know that you are okay.

You definitely should talk to a counselor as well. There is still more to work through with this, and you should not have to do that on your own or without professional help. You are wonderful and you deserve the best help working through this trauma that you can get.

ravenray · December 2011

Thank you everyone for the support. It means a lot to me. When I tell people in RL they don’t really know what to do, I think it freaks them out. :/ Thank you all so much for not judging me and being so kind and supportive. It brings tears to my eyes. :) I will be sure to let you know what happens. In Response to Re: Update-Kind of: [QUOTE]I think some counseling would also help you, Raven. It seems pretty clear to me that you have not completely dealt with whatever happened, and having a professional to talk to can only benefit you. I think that not handling the situation yourself indicates that you still see yourself as a victim. You're sitting back and letting your parents do the scary part for you. I guess maybe b/c I don't know what happened, I shouldn't be critical. But it really rubs me the wrong way that everyone here is all, Yay, your parents are going to do your dirty work for you. You're a grown woman, and I think you should be able to face your aunt yourself. Maybe a good step in the right direction would be to at least call your aunt after your parents talk to her. And to get some counseling for yourself. I don't want to be a biitch here. I understand you went through something traumatic and it's not going to heal overnight. But the fact that you can't discuss what you went through indicates that you still haven't really faced it yourself, and I don't think that's healthy for you, esp if there was a sexual aspect to what happened and you're about to be married. You want to be mentally healthy about sex. That is what your future husband deserves. It's what YOU deserve. JMO. Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE] I am sure I am not over it all. I only started acknowledging that it happened about two years ago and I only told my parents last year. But, I have a real problem with going to counseling. I had some bad experiences when I was younger which make me afraid to go. I know that isn't an excuse not to go but every time I think I am ready to go I chicken out. I am sure that counseling would be helpful but I can't rationalize it as being that way. In fact the idea of going stresses me out. FI wants me to go but he realizes that it would just cause me more stress that I don't need right before the wedding. So I know that someday I will go to please him. I have such a trust issue with people, the idea of telling something to someone who I don't know and don't trust is really upsetting to me. But I know I need to go, I just can't go right before the wedding. I already have so much stress from this that I don't need any more right now. I disagree with you that my parents are doing the dirty work. I see it as them standing up for me when they didn't before. Like I mentioned before, it's much easier to talk about this online to people who aren't involved in my daily life. I am not good with confrontations. FI had to force me to tell my parents. I was trembling, crying and so scared. (Gosh I sound so lame) Telling my aunt something bad about her favorite child would have not gone over well with me. I don't even know if I would have been able to do it. I am willing to talk to her after my parents talk to her. It's not like I want this to be swept under the rug and never talked about again but neither do I want this to be brought up all the time. I am willing to forgive and move past it but I draw the line at him attending the wedding. I don't think you are a biitch. You really shouldn't be so down on your advice Desert, I think you give great, honest advice and I appreciate it, even if I don't agree with all of it. It bugs me that you always put yourself down when you say what you think is the truth. :/ And thought it was sexual, I wasn't rapped so I am pretty sure that I will be ok with sex. I know a lot of this sounds like I am justifying my choices, and maybe I am. I do think you guys deserve to know why I am making them but I got a little long winded, sorry! I tend to over-analyze things and I have thought about this a lot. One of the good things about me is that I am pretty good at changing myself. In the last three years, I have made so much progress and become a much better person at the same time. So even though I still have issues with this I know that given time I will work through them, with or without the help of a counselor. You see I have a lot of other things on my side, confession with a priest to counsel me in the way of forgiveness, and God who will take care of me and help me work through this. Gosh this got huge, sorry guys. Desert I hope you understand my position a little more.

desertsun · December 2011

I totally see your perspective and understand that you went through something traumatic and maybe now is not the right time to be confronting your aunt or your cousin. So I didn't necessarily mean you're doing the wrong thing by getting your parents involved. But I do think that if you were healed, the whole situation wouldn't continue to be AS traumatic for you, and I want you to get to a place where you are able to stand up for yourself. HE is the one who should feel shame around family. NOT YOU.

I think it's incredibly helpful for people who were once victims to be able to stand up to their abusers and say, "I'm not your victim any more." Maybe someday, you will get to that point and that is what I hope for you.

Sometimes there is just nothing like an objective person who doesn't know you or your family telling you it's not your fault and you should not be ashamed for you to really believe it. That's where I think some therapy could really benefit you.

But, I also think that if it's something you're not ready for and aren't open to just yet, it may not benefit you as much as if you were. At least you have parents, your FI, and your church supporting you and helping you, and that's more than a lot of people who've been sexually abused have.

I will try to not put myself or my advice down.

Thanks, love.

I am so glad that you can talk to us about this. We're here for you.

kellyt89 · December 2011

*hugs* good luck with everything, you must be so stressed out. Take a bubble bath and read a good book, just put it from your mind for a while.

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