Birth Order Drama

lmwilber

Back story- BF is the middle child, has an older brother who is an officer in the  USMC and a younger sister who just got married to an officer in the USMC. BF dad was in the Navy for 8 years, and really pushed very hard for BF to join the military b/c it would 'straighten him out'. Well, the military just aint BF's style, he made it though his 20's in one piece and is a wonderful supportive sensitive guy. 

Well, BF's sis and her H live in Okinawa, and now his bro is being assigned there too. His siblings are already very close and now they will be living over seas together. BF has had a rocky relationship with his siblings recently, and his parents are constantly bragging about them (which they should), but I think BF is just feeling left out. He's not military, he's not even in school right now.  He's just a 'normal' guy. (Which I love about him.) 

BF's just not a talker, so I know that he's not going to open up about things too much. It just sucks to see him so 'down'. He's such a wonderful guy who has done so much for me, I just want to be able to help him out on this one.

Anybody have advise either on how to get him to open up (or if I should let him work though this on his own), or any cheap ideas to cheer him up? 

I just really hate seeing him down

[Deleted User]

from what I've learned through experience (which really isn't that much!) and through our pre-marital counseling, men don't destress by talking about it.  in general they don't want to talk about what's bothering them.  maybe try something to get his mind off of THAT and onto something else.  like, if he's into motorcycles, look up some local poker run races (or whatever they're called).  if he's a music or arts lover, find out when local museums have free days or discount tickets to concerts/symphonies/musicals. 

from what I've learned in our sessions and from what FI tells me in our post-session discussions, men respond better to stress if you give them something to look FORWARD to/something else to think about.  generally, trying to get them to share their feelings just isn't going to work.  try putting that negative energy towards something else.

since we started our sessions and reading some couples books together, I've tried to step away from trying to get FI to talk to me and open up about what he's stressing out about or upset about.  I just tell him that that I know he's got something on his mind, and I would love to just listen if he ever feels like talking about it, but if he doesn't want to talk about it I don't want to keep asking and pushing.  and then I drop it and let it go.  more often than not, he'll actually bring it up later when we're doing something together...  jogging or unpacking some of my stuff at the new house or working on his teacher's portfolio.  I don't know if it's something about the pressure of a woman trying to force him to talk or what, but we both get a lot better results when I leave the ball in his court and go on like it's not a huge deal.

hope it helps.    sorry for rambling on!

ETA:  I know not every man is like this, and I hope you can tell I'm not trying to generalize unnecessarily.  this works well with my FI and I and how our personalities mesh.  it may not work for you!  if you're comfortable enough to ask him, find out what kind of response is best for him when he's upset about something.

lmwilber

Thanks Coco, I think leaveing the ball in his court and finding something fun to take his mind off things is going to be the way to go. 

I just hate seeing him bummed out...

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_birth-order-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:75e2a3b6-2c9d-4f1f-9686-6994aa9fa343Post:1e06231f-d939-42ce-aca5-3fff2b19b162">Re: Birth Order Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks Coco, I think leaveing the ball in his court and finding something fun to take his mind off things is going to be the way to go.  I just hate seeing him bummed out...
Posted by lmwilber[/QUOTE]

just make sure he knows that the ball is in his court...  you don't want to just ignore a situation and make him feel like you don't care. 

it's no fun when your SO is upset about something and there's nothing that you can do about it.  but sometimes the best thing to do is just to be there and provide a positive distraction (at least in this case!) 

but like I said, he could be totally different. 

what kind of things does your SO like to do?

mandi921vh

lIt seems that your BF is feeling left out of his family in general, and I know that I don't know him, but just doing an activity is not going to make him forget that his family leaves him out. Unless this is something he will eventually "get over" he should really try to talk to his parents, they may not realize what they are saying and how it effects their son. 

calindi

I totally get the sibling issues that guys have that they try to bury.  It's not easy, and guys don't process it all or deal with it the way we do typically.  There's not a lot we can do except be there to listen if and when they ever decide to talk about it.  It's something they have to process on their own in their own way.

Now, if his parents say something to him in front of you, I personally would stand up for him (in a respectful way).  Like if they start bragging about his siblings, let it go but find a way to later insert something great that your BF has done into the conversation.  Be his biggest cheerleader! 

I kind of don't like that they told him joining the military would "straighten him out".  The military is a career choice and a personal commitment, and it certainly is its own culture.  If someone isn't into it, they're not going to be happy there.  If your BF's parents ever said something to your guy about how he should be more like his siblings, definitely let them how many great things he does!

lmwilber

He really enjoys going for bike rides, working out, chilling out with his friends, video games, dining out, camping, stuff like that. He's a pretty simple guy to please. The weather hasn't been so great here, so getting outside is difficult right now. But spring is right around the corner. (I hope!)

I'll talk to him tonight, let him know I'm here if he wants to talk, then drop it. We're going out Friday with some friends, and having some people over Saturday for a game night. It should help take his mind off things...

Thanks for the advise!

How's the new house coming along?

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_birth-order-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:75e2a3b6-2c9d-4f1f-9686-6994aa9fa343Post:a83019b6-bd5c-4a93-811f-ae0084c28d27">Re: Birth Order Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]I totally get the sibling issues that guys have that they try to bury.  It's not easy, and guys don't process it all or deal with it the way we do typically.  There's not a lot we can do except be there to listen if and when they ever decide to talk about it.  It's something they have to process on their own in their own way. Now, if his parents say something to him in front of you, I personally would stand up for him (in a respectful way).  Like if they start bragging about his siblings, let it go but find a way to later insert something great that your BF has done into the conversation. <strong> Be his biggest cheerleader! </strong> I kind of don't like that they told him joining the military would "straighten him out".  The military is a career choice and a personal commitment, and it certainly is its own culture.  If someone isn't into it, they're not going to be happy there.  If your BF's parents ever said something to your guy about how he should be more like his siblings, definitely let them how many great things he does!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

this is incredibly important, I'm glad you brought it up!  he needs to know that you've always got his back.  his parents may not appreciate him for who he is, but you do, and that is what is important in this relationship!  you can't fill all his needs, but you can fill one very important one just by supporting him and cheering him on and encouraging him without trying to force him into a little mold.  it sounds like that may be the kind of pressure he's feeling from his family, and knowing that you think he's wonderful and fabulous AS HE IS is incredibly freeing.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_birth-order-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:75e2a3b6-2c9d-4f1f-9686-6994aa9fa343Post:4a362138-78bc-4204-b8b9-acb13bc0870d">Re: Birth Order Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]He really enjoys going for bike rides, working out, chilling out with his friends, video games, dining out, camping, stuff like that. He's a pretty simple guy to please. The weather hasn't been so great here, so getting outside is difficult right now. But spring is right around the corner. (I hope!) I'll talk to him tonight, let him know I'm here if he wants to talk, then drop it. We're going out Friday with some friends, and having some people over Saturday for a game night. It should help take his mind off things... Thanks for the advise! <strong>How's the new house coming along?</strong>
Posted by lmwilber[/QUOTE]

it's sort of coming along...  wedding planning and FI's graduation/new job hunt have been really overwhelming and even discouraging lately.  however, it looks like there will be several music teaching jobs coming up in some school districts around here, so he's been applying like crazy. 

we bought some furniture (couch, dining set, got an antique buffet moved in, hand-me-down coffee table, and BEDROOM SET!!) and have been moving some of my winter things and books into the house.  he's been doing some little fix-its and I'm dreaming about paint colors!  I can't wait to give some TLC to our yard and garden...  we're definitely doing a magnolia tree and a couple crape myrtles, and possibly hydrangeas!  I want to replace the bushes in the front but it may have to wait until next year...  landscaping is EXPENSIVE!

lmwilber

Calindi- I totally agree with you on the military point, I have many friends for whom joining was the absolute right call for them, at that time it was a path to college, or a career in and of it self and I have nothing but respect for the men and women who serve. However, that life style is not for my BF, he's too...sensitive? IDK, he just could never 'be' military. I think its his large anti authoritative streak.

Coco- I'll keep my fingers crossed for your FI's job hunt, and I'm very jealous of the new bedroom set!!!

Thanks for the really great advise ladies. I  do try to be his cheerleader, and I have his back. It difficult sometimes because it seems like his parents, mostly his mom, focus in on the 'fun' stuff that his other sibs are doing, traveling, getting, new stuff ect. But I think that the point she misses, is that he is here, right around the corner (We live in the same city, a/s 8 blocks away).  He is always around for holidays, even the little ones like St. Patrick's Day. He is the one that remembers Mother's Day/Father's Day/ Birthdays. And when we get married and have kids, their grandkids will live right down the road, not on the other side of the world. And, God forbid, should calamity befall them, he is right here. Not to mention that he his a kind, generous, supportive man, who would do anything for those he loves.

Its just very hard for me to work those facts into polite conversation, esp when his mom makes snide remarks about her worldly well traveled kids who bring her wonderful gifts from around the globe.