Would you get mad if...

heyimbren

I'm asking this on here because I trust you ladies to be totally honesty with me.

I've mentioned before that I have a very good friend getting married. She did have the date set for late May (everything was booked, so the date was actually set) but they've since decided to postpone (financial reasons). She told me she's thinking early September/general fall time. But of course, they haven't booked anything yet so nothing's official. (TBH I get the feeling it's postponed indefinitely, but regardless...)

We already have our BM dresses. She had us buy them back in like May I think. It's an above the knee, spaghetti strap sundress. She also had us buy our shoes which are wedge sandals. High wedges.

So here's my question: How would you (as a bride) feel if a BM asked you if she could wear a cardigan or sweater over the dress during the reception, and change shoes for the reception? I get cold easily and the shoes are uncomfortable for walking around in all day.

I am going to bring this up to her (probably closer to the date) but I also want to pick my battles. So if she's likely to get really offended, it just isn't worth it.

bethsmiles

I'm super laid back so I would tell my BM to do whatever she wants, she is the one wearing the dress/shoes. I know some brides might freak out but if your friend is a reasonable person she should be fine with it.

calindi

Don't ask - if you're cold at the reception, you don't have to ask her permission.  And I can't tell you how many bridesmaids I've seen kick off their shoes at some part during the reception.  I highly doubt they go over to the bride and say, "Hey, I'm cold, can I put on a sweater?  Oh, and these shoes hurt, do you mind if I take them off?"  Nope, the ceremony is over and the pictures are done, and you can take off those shoes if your feet hurt!

Bring a shawl that is neutral or matches the dress.  Slide flip flops into your purse (I do this going out all.the.time)

lindsayrae1986

i would be very surprised, unless, like beth said, she is unreasonable.  i've done similar things in several weddings i've been in...  i've added cardigans, changed shoes, let my hair down, etc.  it shouldn't be a problem. 

Starlight Kel

I wouldn't mind at all at the reception.  I think it would be rude of her to make you wear uncomfortable shoes all night or freeze!  I would ask, unless she is a bridezilla I don't think she would care.

[Deleted User]

I'm laid back so I hope to be the same way as a bride... I HATE shoes and don't plan on wearing heels all day so, I wouldnt expect my girls to either... Being that you're wearing a short dress, though, it might be a good idea if all the girls change into the same shoe (flip flop, ballet slipper, etc.) just to keep it cohesive...  I'd wait until she actually finalizes the day to ask her... asking her now may be jumping ahead of her a little and may cause her to stress out (if she gets stressed out easily over little things)

EDIT: Plus I'm sure she'd prefer you to wear a little sweater than BF's suit jacket, like some of us tend to do! LOL

**Mutley**

Honestly, I wouldn't even ask.  If the ceremony is over and the formal pictures have been taken, do what is going to make you the most comfortable.  She will not even notice on the actual wedding day.  (And if she does, then there is something wrong with her.) 

Then again, I preemptively told my BMs to bring flip flops if they wanted to change later... and my SIL wasn't even wearing shoes in the pictures at our reception venue. 

**Mutley**

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:76986009-17ec-4954-9d53-6e671c952494Post:171406e2-11f2-423c-b730-dc41aeced0ca">Re: Would you get mad if...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm laid back so I hope to be the same way as a bride... I HATE shoes and don't plan on wearing heels all day so, I wouldnt expect my girls to either... Being that you're wearing a short dress, though, i<strong>t might be a good idea if all the girls change into the same shoe (flip flop, ballet slipper, etc.) just to keep it cohesive... </strong> I'd wait until she actually finalizes the day to ask her... asking her now may be jumping ahead of her a little and may cause her to stress out (if she gets stressed out easily over little things) EDIT: Plus I'm sure she'd prefer you to wear a little sweater than BF's suit jacket, like some of us tend to do! LOL
Posted by LyzMcFlyz[/QUOTE]

Why would they need to be cohesive at the reception?  What is the point? 

And who cares if she wears BF's suit jacket?  Once again, nobody is going to care what a BM is wearing after the ceremony is over. 

heyimbren

That's what I figured. But I've also seen some other knotties post about how they honestly would be offended by this. I think that's a bit over the top, but I wanted to check. I never see it as a big deal, but I just wanted to see the consensus.

Yeah, I'm not going to say anything to her until it's closer to the day. Even if she did go pick a date now, it's most likely going to be a year ish away.

Hazel_B

I wouldn't bother asking, just go ahead during the reception. If anything, try and ensure your cardy or wrap is either neutral or in her colours because you might want it before the reception.

I had a wrap in one of the wedding colours at my friend's wedding. Heck, I'm in some of the formal pictures with it on because I was freezing and she didn't seem to feel the temperature at all on her wedding high.  We will see if it bothers her when the pics come back, but she didn't say anything during the photos. I even tried to take it off during the photos and the photog told me to keep it on.

Blue & White

I probably would ask just to make sure (I ask a lot of questions) but I doubt any sane bride would have a problem with it.  And if so, it's the reception - that's the bride's problem if she's all freaking out.

I could understand if she wanted you to not wear the sweater in pictures   BUT, not if it's like 11 degrees outside.  I don't like the cold

heyimbren

I won't ask then. I just won't mention it.

She's been kind of... picky about some things. Like matching jewellery? Really? I figure it's so far in advance that she'll change her mind and/or forget about it. Hopefully this is one of those things.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:76986009-17ec-4954-9d53-6e671c952494Post:e80d9b19-5e64-4eea-a808-58cac4bc1cb9">Re: Would you get mad if...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would you get mad if... : Why would they need to be cohesive at the reception?  What is the point?  And who cares if she wears BF's suit jacket?  Once again, nobody is going to care what a BM is wearing after the ceremony is over. 
Posted by **Mutley**[/QUOTE]

This would all be assuming she's an "anal-retentive annie"!! I honestly wouldnt give a crap what the girls do after the ceremony, pictures and the bridal party being announced into the reception...

Hazel_B

Bren - If you bring it up, I'm sure she'll think about it. If she is being picky, let her get to it in her own time.

jemmini6

First of all, she had you buy your dresses a year in advance?!  That's just insane!  Secondly, you shouldn't have to ask permission to put on a sweater or change shoes during the reception.  I get keeping with the "look" during the ceremony and pictures, but after that, your duties as BM are done and you can get comfortable.  If she says anything because you put on a sweater, you can tell her to shove it. LOL

PaigeMcC

Bren you're a nice person for thinking about all these things.  But as the ladies said - just do it.  The pics are done and she won't even notice.  Make sure you're comfortable when all is said and done:)

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:76986009-17ec-4954-9d53-6e671c952494Post:dcf9f40d-235f-4976-9a52-c0370c7ed03c">Re: Would you get mad if...</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>First of all, she had you buy your dresses a year in advance?!</strong>  That's just insane!  Secondly, you shouldn't have to ask permission to put on a sweater or change shoes during the reception.  I get keeping with the "look" during the ceremony and pictures, but after that, your duties as BM are done and you can get comfortable.  If she says anything because you put on a sweater, you can tell her to shove it. LOL
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

Don't you know, Jem? You're behind already ;)

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:76986009-17ec-4954-9d53-6e671c952494Post:60236c38-645e-4517-9be9-a3e2f141878b">Re: Would you get mad if...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would you get mad if... : Don't you know, Jem? You're behind already ;)
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

LOL, damn it, now the dresses aren't ever going to get here on time!  I better kick it into high gear or else my BM's will be wearing their undies down the aisle. :)

desertsun

Bren, while I think you shouldn't have to ask (b/c it would be silly for you to be uncomfortable) I also don't think it can possibly hurt to do so. Your friend would probably appreciate your consideration in checking in with her. Personally, I'd rather clear it in advance than have her get upset about it at the reception. Better safe than sorry, right? JMO.

loopy82

I say don't ask. For my wedding I personally didn't care. Heck, I even bought the girls flip flops to change into.

I say that, then I remember I was in a 'wedding' (my friend had a courthouse wedding the the production a few months later at her IL's - which was outside, in their yard & garage - VERY casual - toward the end of September - which is when it can be fairly chilly here - especially at night.) Anyhow, I changed out of the dress into jeans and a sweater well into the reception - without asking - I was cold and had spilled wine down the front of my dress - who wants to be cold and wet with wine down the front of their dress? Well she freaked out and pretty much demanded I change back into the dress.

Ok - I know you aren't wanting to change out of the dress, but it just made me think of the story. Adding a sweater and changing shoes during the reception shouldn't be a big deal at all.

hetshup

Don't ask her, it's easier to ask for forgivness then get permission. For the record, my BM did have matching shoes that they changed into. That's because the morning of the wedding, my SIL geeked out over the gold bags that Dr Scholls ballet slippers came in.


I was also told I was too anti bridezilla when I declined to select nail polish colors the day before.

jorhys

 I think it would unreasonable for her to object to you throwing on a cardigan or shawl after the ceremony & photos were finished. I would go ahead and bring it up to her and see how she handles it. I think most brides would be pretty understanding about this.

jeanacorina

My coordinator told everyone at our rehearsal: "Keep your suit jackets, shoes, ties, and what-have you ON during the entire ceremony and until after the cake is cut. Once the music starts, you can kick off your shoes and roll up your sleeves... but as long as there are photos being taken, please keep your pants on."

My sister brought a white cardigan with her and changed into flip-flops after cake was served... exactly as she was asked to. I saw absolutely NOTHING wrong with her NOT freezing and getting blisters on her feet.

You could mention it a few weeks before the wedding... but honestly, I don't think the bride should be telling you how to regulate your internal temperature once all the formal photos are done.

Happy420

I don't understand why some girls feel they must be bridezillas. Yes, it is a very important day, but it's ultimately about the bride and groom choosing to become one together. I've been to weddings that even the bride got more casual at the reception. So there is no reason why a BM shouldn't be able to dress comfortable if thats what you want. It's her day, but you're body. She can't control your decisions. 

heyimbren

Loopy, I'd honestly like to ditch the dress too if people didn't think that was so awful. I don't hate it, but I just don't love it either, KWIM? But I'm not even going to touch that one. It's just a dress.

I'm glad to hear all these responses, because it was all pretty much along the same lines of what I was thinking. I didn't want to ask this on M&M or WP or anything because I was pretty sure some lurkers would come out of the woodwork to say how upset they'd be over this.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:76986009-17ec-4954-9d53-6e671c952494Post:6f733c3b-cf29-402d-b410-d4cf681350b2">Re: Would you get mad if...</a>:
[QUOTE]Omg I am ten months out and haven't even PICKED dresses yet!   Also, this is why you try to wait until closer to the wedding -- depending on the time of year and location, sundresses won't be comfortable all seasons. If it were me, I'd let you do whatever the heck you want, Bren.  I think beyond matching dresses and POSSIBLY shoes, it's kinda silly to micromanage BMs...  is that just me?
Posted by sunbird627[/QUOTE]

Not just you. I like it when BMs where whatever dress they want (but maybe within a colour scheme) because then they tend to wear dresses that they can each rock personally.

The only plus side of this is the dress only cost us $30. And the shoes were $45. So I spent $75 TOTAL. No alterations needed it looks like. So that's nice. I can definitely justify buying a new cardigan now :D

[Deleted User]

The only way my BM's will be matching is the color (I've asked that they all pick out navy blue dresses & shoes) and the matching necklaces a friend is helping me make as one of my gifts to them (I know the necklace isn't supposed to be a "gift", but they all know my financial situation and I know how much they'll appreciate that it will be hand-made...I am doing other gifts for them as well).

I sent out an email to my BM's a couple months ago letting them know that I was serious that I didn't care if they matched (and in that email I told them they could wear whatever jewelry they wanted, wear their hair up, down, curled, straight, I don't care; heels or flats - the only thing I asked them not to wear was perfume since most perfume bothers my asthma and they had all already decided they wouldn't wear it for that reason).  I guess they'd all watched too many bridal shows and figured the wedding party had to match perfectly.  My BM's are all 4 completely different shapes and sizes and there was no way on earth I was going to find one dress that would suit all of them. 

The only one who I know has her dress already is my MOH - she is a very unique shape and clothes shopping is never an easy task with her.  Her mom thought they would have a hard time finding a dress so she wanted to start early - they found one at the 1st store they went to.  I haven't seen it yet, but they described it to me and it sounds absolutely beautiful.  One of my BM's won't even be able to go looking for a dress until sometime in January - she's pregnant and due at the end of December.

If you're really concerned that she might be upset if you don't ask, go ahead and ask her, but I agree with others, once you're at the reception, put on your shawl and your flip flops and have fun.

Snufflyfluffy

I personally won't care if I see my girls running around with flip flops or even no shoes, as long as they are comfy.  Even in some of my engagement pictures I am barefoot because I didn't want to wear my heels, so I am big with just taking shoes off, I really hope that she won't care, you deserve to be comfy.

leia1979

Drawing on my one BM experience, we all brought shawls with us, though I never used mine. One of the girls brought really cute flip flops for the reception that were the same color as our shoes. We never actually asked the bride, but we also knew she didn't care.

Sunbird, I'm in the same boat! 10 months out and I'm not even asking BMs until this weekend! 

Anyway, I would be totally fine if they bring sweaters/shawls and flip flops for the reception. Then again, I would also never ask them to get matching shoes. Same color maybe, but not the same shoe.