Planning too soon?

chelcomp2010

My boyfriend and i are planning on getting engaged in april but sincce we started talking about it i have went crazy wanting to plan but i know its really soon. b/c we arent even engaged yet. We did talk about some stuff when we talk every once in a while but its hard b/c He's in the navy so we only get to talk early in the morning and i dont want to suffocate him with plans and such too sooon and have it take up all of our conversation. What Do you think??


Oh and if someone can tell me what the special abbreviations are for the website so i can better understand what is being said i know SO is signifcant other and FI is fiance but thats itt.  Can anyone help me?

calindi

As far as the acronyms go, read this:  http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_welcome-not-engaged-yet

That might answer a few more of your questions, too!  Best thing to do is wait until you are engaged to start planning and talking to him about plans, since most guys get a little bit freaked out when their girlfriend starts talking about wedding colors and stuff, especially when they haven't proposed yet!

heyimbren

Chelsea, I sent you a PM. Look a few posts down and you'll see the post. Just read the PM. Please. I beg of you.

And yes, it is way too early for you to plan. For a million reasons.

PaigeMcC

Slow your roll.  Wait for the ring.  Enjoy the anticipation before the engagement.

bourgehm

Don't plan. First of all, since you rarely get to talk to him, why use up all that time to talk about a wedding? Talking about your future and life would be a much more wise choice.   Also, trust me, wedding planning is not all it's cracked up to be. It's extremely stressful at times, and get's pretty overwhelming for many girls. There really is no point to start this stress early. Please.

MLekathLEEN

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_planning-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7832f8e0-5729-44f5-81ce-d8c48d230d95Post:2579329b-70dd-45db-8678-f6a304344e31">Planning too soon?</a>:
[QUOTE]My boyfriend and i are planning on getting engaged in april but sincce we started talking about it i have went crazy wanting to plan but i know its really soon. b/c we arent even engaged yet. We did talk about some stuff when we talk every once in a while but its hard b/c <strong>He's in the navy so we only get to talk early in the morning and i dont want to suffocate him with plans and such too sooon and have it take up all of our conversation.</strong>What Do you think?? Oh and if someone can tell me what the special abbreviations are for the website so i can better understand what is being said i know SO is signifcant other and FI is fiance but thats itt.  Can anyone help me?
Posted by chelcomp2010[/QUOTE]

I'd wait. He's going to hear enough of it once he proposes so give him a rest on it. I know it drives my FI crazy when I talk about houses even though we can't afford one yet. I'm sure if would drive BF crazy with wedding talk when there is no proposal yet.

heyimbren

Okay, I have a few more minutes now to address this:

I hate to say this to people because relationships DO vary, but it is WAY too soon for you to be on a wedding website. Feel free to stick around now that you're here, but stop thinking about a wedding. It's too early.

As of right now you have 3 things that are going to make it even more difficult for you as a couple: it's very early in your relationship, you're both fairly young, and he's in the Navy. That doesn't make it impossible, just very difficult. It doesn't matter how long you two have been friends- relationships change things. Plus you two are both at an age where you will be changing as individuals. That doesn't mean you will break up, but it's something to add into the mix.

Also, I replied to your message.

bethsmiles

I agree with Bren 100%. Its WAY to early to be thinking about a wedding. 

chelcomp2010

Okay thanks for the input and all..however.... this forum is called Not Yet Engaged. and i dont see everyone else jumping on people for being on the website. and we would be engaged if he was home however he is not. im not trying to have enemies the first day of the website honestly. I thank you for your input because i know i asked for it.  

and by planning i wasnt talking about calling places and such to get definate plans together i was Consdering like writing down things i may or may not want.

nd thanks for the acronymns stuff

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_planning-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7832f8e0-5729-44f5-81ce-d8c48d230d95Post:a2b95e1c-de7c-401b-8dbc-c9c9354e4dd1">Re: Planning too soon?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay thanks for the input and all..however....<strong> this forum is called Not Yet Engaged. and i dont see everyone else jumping on people for being on the website. and we would be engaged if he was home however he is not.</strong> im not trying to have enemies the first day of the website honestly. I thank you for your input because i know i asked for it.   <strong>and by planning i wasnt talking about calling places and such to get definate plans together i was Consdering like writing down things i may or may not want.</strong> nd thanks for the acronymns stuff
Posted by chelcomp2010[/QUOTE]

Yet, it is NEY. However, one month of dating is too soon to be talking about engagement.

It's just way too soon. Enjoy your relationship for where it is now, and let it grow on its own.

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_planning-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7832f8e0-5729-44f5-81ce-d8c48d230d95Post:a2b95e1c-de7c-401b-8dbc-c9c9354e4dd1">Re: Planning too soon?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay thanks for the input and all..however.... this forum is called Not Yet Engaged. and i dont see everyone else jumping on people for being on the website. and we would be engaged if he was home however he is not. im not trying to have enemies the first day of the website honestly. I thank you for your input because i know i asked for it.   and by planning i wasnt talking about calling places and such to get definate plans together i was Consdering like writing down things i may or may not want. nd thanks for the acronymns stuff
Posted by chelcomp2010[/QUOTE]

No one jumped on you.  We were all very nice.  NO ONE should be planning their wedding after only ONE MONTH of dating.  Period.  This applies to everyone.  EVERYONE.

Like I said.  Slow your roll.

bethsmiles

We aren't jumping on you for being on the website, we are giving you the same advice we give all the girls who come on here and want to plan before they are engaged. You are 19 and have been dating your BF for a month slow your roll there is no need to rush

PaigeMcC

Have you really only been together for a month?

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_planning-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7832f8e0-5729-44f5-81ce-d8c48d230d95Post:dbb3a2c5-619f-4102-b180-cba5b49bdbb5">Re: Planning too soon?</a>:
[QUOTE]Have you really only been together for a month?
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]

*Almost* a month, "officially", according to her Intro post. This is why I like following the Intro thread.

chelcomp2010

It was really his idea tho. i mean i understand where you all are coming from i really do.... but i was just looking for some place to vent and maybe get some positive feedback.     But i guess from the outside of our relationship it would look pretty rediculous.    Im sorry that i accused you of jumping on me.


God Bless

hetshup

One month is too soon, stop enjoy your relationship, and GET TO KNOW HIM.

I don't care if you were friends before you started dating, I dated my husband for 4.5 years before we moved in together (2 months before the wedding), and let me tell you, there were things that I wasn't aware of at all. So just calm down. Think about it, if you got engaged and then married 6 months later, your ENTIRE relationship would be planning a wedding. Then what?

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_planning-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7832f8e0-5729-44f5-81ce-d8c48d230d95Post:d16c0473-1181-4d82-be77-3d5098c55ce9">Re: Planning too soon?</a>:
[QUOTE]It was really his idea tho. i mean i understand where you all are coming from i really do.... but i was just looking for some place to vent and maybe get some positive feedback.     But i guess from the outside of our relationship it would look pretty rediculous.    Im sorry that i accused you of jumping on me. God Bless
Posted by chelcomp2010[/QUOTE]

Honestly, this is positive feedback. Positive doesn't mean people need to agree with you or encourage you. You're getting these c omments for a reason: it's very very soon. It doesn't matter what he tells you, or if your family is okay with it. I think this is one of those situations where you can't just say "well you don't understand our relationship!".

And you should have the PM now.

bethsmiles

What was his idea? marriage? Thats awesome but just because an idea pops doesn't mean you have to do it right away. You are young and your relationship is new TAKE YOUR TIME! Seriously I started dating my BF when I was 18, we were talking about marriage 6 months into it. Now I'm 20 and he is 21. We are still talking about marriage but we are still waiting until we are finacially ready and done with our education so we can give our marriage the best start we can. 

Youare both young, you have lots of time. My advice is to revisit the idea of marriage in a year and see how you both feel.

jeanacorina

Everyone was very nice- dang!

I have nothing more too add. Same stuff: Too early for so young, enjoy your relationship in the moment, don't plan before you're engaged, you're welcome to stick around.

chelcomp2010

yeah i guess your right. idk its hard to be in a relationship with a military person. the rush is he wants me to move to cali with him and live on his base, but we cant afford it. So in order for the navy to pay for me to move their and stuff we have to be married. And it just in my head sounds great... get married move to cali and have the life i want with my husband even though he will still have his deployments and stuff for the next 4 years. and we arent getting married for a while but i guess i was just looking for the opposite of what i got.  

I'm sorry if i came off rude. i see where you all are coming from i guess only time will tell

kayely88

Sorry but you don't want to have to be married. You should get married because you want to spend the rest of your life with someone and they feel the same. I think because you guys have only started to date just enjoy one another and keep marriage talk (and thinking) on the down low for right now. Especially the talking part. 

Don't just start thinking marriage because the Navy is offering to pay for you to move out there with him only if you're married. That really isn't a good reason to be married. I know you probably do like him and maybe even love him but to me you guys just haven't been together long enough to be thinking of this stuff. 

Sorry I don't mean to seem rude or mean but you should really think of getting married for the right reasons. 

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_planning-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7832f8e0-5729-44f5-81ce-d8c48d230d95Post:66fc701b-7ad7-43f3-8199-8aea6478e6ba">Re: Planning too soon?</a>:
[QUOTE]yeah i guess your right. idk its hard to be in a relationship with a military person. the rush is he wants me to move to cali with him and live on his base, but we cant afford it. So in order for the navy to pay for me to move their and stuff we have to be married. And it just in my head sounds great... get married move to cali and have the life i want with my husband even though he will still have his deployments and stuff for the next 4 years. and we arent getting married for a while but i guess i was just looking for the opposite of what i got.   I'm sorry if i came off rude. i see where you all are coming from i guess only time will tell
Posted by chelcomp2010[/QUOTE]

The grass is always greener on the other side, right? Don't rush into a marriage because it LOOKS great now. And yes, it's hard being in a military relationship. There are some girls on here who are in military relationships right now or have been in the past. I'd recommend you <u>lurk</u> on the Military Brides board a bit, but I wouldn't post on there asking questions about <u>getting married</u> <u>right now</u> because they'll tell you the same thing we did on here.

Life rarely turns out the way you dream it. So while it sounds great right now to move to Cali with your husband, the reality is it might not turn out that great. Which is what waiting will help you with.

jeanacorina

I believe there is a military brides board, too. They will have a lot of insight on being in a relationship with a person in the military.

I think there is a lot of pressure to get married quickly when one person is in the military. There are certainly a lot of tantalizing benefits. The thing is, those relationships are TOUGH and being married makes it TOUGHER. That's true for every relationship: marriage doesn't inherently make things "better." It can certainly present more challenges, and if you're not prepared for that (and by prepared I mean knowing your partner, going through some sort of counseling, and listening to the insights of other people in similar situations) then problems can get bigger than they ever were before marriage.

So many military marriages end in divorce. Please fight against that statistic by taking your time and really building a strong relationship. Seek out honest advice- not just pat-on-the-head reinforcement.

Go to the military brides board and ask them for their (more experienced) insight on your plan. They will probably also tell you to slow down, but I bet they will have some really good suggestions on HOW to slow down and what you both should be doing to give your relationship the strength it needs to make it through a lot of long-distance, deployments, and the stress that the military can put on a couple. Please do this. I don't want you to run headlong into a decision just because it sounds good. It DOES sound good. But sometimes you've got to man up (so to speak) and do what's best for yourself and the person you love, even when it doesn't SOUND as good as the alternative.

Best of luck.

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_planning-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7832f8e0-5729-44f5-81ce-d8c48d230d95Post:66fc701b-7ad7-43f3-8199-8aea6478e6ba">Re: Planning too soon?</a>:
[QUOTE]yeah i guess your right. idk its hard to be in a relationship with a military person. the rush is he wants me to move to cali with him and live on his base, but we cant afford it. So in order for the navy to pay for me to move their and stuff we have to be married. And it just in my head sounds great... get married move to cali and have the life i want with my husband even though he will still have his deployments and stuff for the next 4 years. and we arent getting married for a while but i guess i was just looking for the opposite of what i got.   I'm sorry if i came off rude. i see where you all are coming from i guess only time will tell
Posted by chelcomp2010[/QUOTE]

Well, as I was once called (sarcastically) the "designated military significant other" on this board, here's my perspective...

The military isn't going to pay to move you unless he has permanent change of station orders, and that your stuff is already located where he is.  So you're going to have to pay to move your stuff to him anyway.  I know, it sucks, but it's true. 

If you haven't dealt with deployments and all that yet, I highly recommend waiting for a bit before getting married.  It's an experience that is really important to go through to understand what you're getting yourself in for as a military significant other. 

I know it's hard to miss him, and know that the military provides a lot of unknowns and separations in a relationship.  Because of that, a lot of couples get married quickly (and young) to try to hang on to each other.  But it doesn't work that way, and the couples that have the best chance at a future are the ones who stick it through and let experience guide their relationship.  Getting married isn't going to make everything picket fences and rainbows... he'll still deploy, and will likely miss major milestones, like your first anniversary and various holidays.  Head over to the Military Brides board to get some perspective - marriage doesn't make it easier, or make you miss him any less.

jeanacorina

I'm going to respectfully disagree with Bren on the lurking, I think OP (opening poster= chelchomp) should POST on the military brides board. Now, of course don't go in there saying "OMG I AM GONNA GET MARRIEDDDDDDDDD" or anything like that. Explain your situation and ask for their insight.

I think those ladies have a lot of valuable knowledge that will be very useful in the OP's situation. I think she needs to ask them for it so that they can answer her fully and honestly, and give her really useful advice on how to proceed in a relationship with a Navy guy.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_planning-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7832f8e0-5729-44f5-81ce-d8c48d230d95Post:537a09dd-4eb1-459e-923f-763f629d35ee">Re: Planning too soon?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to respectfully disagree with Bren on the lurking, I think OP (opening poster= chelchomp) should POST on the military brides board. Now, of course don't go in there saying "OMG I AM GONNA GET MARRIEDDDDDDDDD" or anything like that. Explain your situation and ask for their insight. I think those ladies have a lot of valuable knowledge that will be very useful in the OP's situation. I think she needs to ask them for it so that they can answer her fully and honestly, and give her really useful advice on how to proceed in a relationship with a Navy guy.
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

Fair enough, but just to clarify I suggested she not post about saying she wants to get married <u>right now. </u>But your suggestion is a good one as well. I just have a feeling she's going to hear a lot of the same responses, but you're right, they may very well have more insight to offer.

Questions about her relationship and the military in general- definitely. But lurking first for a little bit is always a good idea.

skyler1108

When I was 19 I thought I found the guy I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. He brought up marriage after about a month of dating. Things moved pretty fast for us and we were broken up around 3 months of being together. I am SOOOOOO glad I did not marry him like I thought I wanted to. He was a scum bag and my family hated him (for very good reason).

Less than a year later I met my FI and I am so glad that things ended with the other guy. My FI is the most amazing man I have ever met and things went much slower this time. We took time to really get to know each other before we got engaged or even talked about getting engaged.

You have not even been dating for a month. That is WAY too soon to be talking about marriage. You do no really know each other yet. Slow down, stop planning your wedding and get to know each other first.

chelcomp2010

I did post on there thanks for your advicee.

joiner521

Young people who are in the miltary get married for the wrong reasons. My FI has been in the navy for 16 years and he sees it all the time. Why would you get married so you can get more pay, but the person just happens to be convenient, They also have to live in the barracks the first few years in the navy.

AudgiePodge

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_planning-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7832f8e0-5729-44f5-81ce-d8c48d230d95Post:d8a4234e-53a1-4296-9601-90ed8ef5ab4f">Re: Planning too soon?</a>:
[QUOTE]Young people who are in the miltary get married for the wrong reasons. My FI has been in the navy for 16 years and he sees it all the time. Why would you get married so you can get more pay, but the person just happens to be convenient, They also have to live in the barracks the first few years in the navy.
Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]

I'd marry a military man for the money. Those guys are LOADED

chelcomp2010

We arent talking about marriage becuase of the Money... that is really insulting.  It has NOTHING to do with the money