Ever Re-Connected With Someone?

[Deleted User]

So many of you know that I have not had a relationship with my dad for many years (about 6-7). When my parents divorced, both my brother and I cut ties with him for many reasons. They divorced my Junior year of college, so he's missed my college graduation, my first career, my first home purchase, getting to know BF (most likely future hubby)...a lot changes in that amount of time. I hadn't really planned on re-connecting with him. I thought I was really in a good place about the whole thing and wasn't looking back. I was OK with it.

Anyway, I found out through my mom that my grandmother (dad's mom) passed away a couple weeks ago. She's the first grandparent I've lost, so it was very difficult for me. I was so conflicted about going to the funeral, but I knew I would be terribly upset if I missed it. So I went. Needless to say it was a very emotional day. However, my father and I re-connected and things went pretty smoothly. We ended us spending a lot of time together that weekend and I truly was surprised at how well things went. He lives out East, so we've only spoken once on the phone once since that weekend.

Well, I guess I'm just really confused about how I feel now. Although things went well for us that weekend, we haven't confronted any of the reasons we stopped talking. I had a lot of resentment towards him for things he did in the past. In many ways I've lost a lot of respect for him. Part of me feels like I should discuss this with him, but another part of me wants to let the past stay in the past and just move forward from here.

Have any of you ever been in a situation like this? Have you ever had to decide whether you wanted a relationship with someone? Have you ever had to start over?

I've been a little lost over this whole situation. My mom is so supportive about me having any kind of relationship I want with my father, so there really isn't any pressure one way or the other. I just have to figure out what I want and am OK with I guess...

[Deleted User]

Oh my goodness. This is probably my personal longest post of all time. Sorry about that gals! I'm usually better about keeping things short n' sweet.

ravenray

I don't have any advice, but here is a big Hug!!!!  I bet you feel confused.  I think that if you feel like these issues are getting in-between you and the relationship you should talk about them.  Even if it is in something less personal like an email or a letter.  At least that is what I would do.  I did that when my best friend broke up with me. It helped me get out my feelings so she knew what was wrong.  She addressed most of my points.  But she still didn't want anything to do with me.  If you do want to address the problems you need to be prepared that he may not want to and may not want to have a relationship because of that. (Though I highly doubt this because he is your father)  But still big hugs!  We love you!

lunarsongbird

Nope, no need to be sorry. What else would I do with my day if people didn't post things like this?

Lunarsognbird needs more epic emotional posts! 

I haven't been in a situation like this. However, I do think that fathers are important. I also believe that people can change- and be remorseful over past decisions.

I would have a discussion with your dad- to see if anything has changed and go from there.

heyimbren

I just talked to my mom for the first time in a long time, Allusive. So I get that. It's something I actually brought up with my therapist today. And he gave me some perspective that I really liked.

He told me to stop jumping ahead to all the "what if" scenarios in my  head. To just bite off one piece at a time. I had a good time re-connecting with her, but we didn't commit to anything more yet. So he told me just to deal with it slowly and see how things progress rather than jump right in or pull back totally as well. So I've taken some space for a couple weeks and I think I'll continue with that until I make a decision one way or another. And regardless of what happens, I know I can let go of the past and live my life.

csousa1

Allusive, I think I can relate a little bit to what you are going through.

My parents got divorced when I was two. My biological father was a jackass, truly. I have never had anything to do with him again, neither has my sister. He tried to get in touch with us once when I was a freshman in high school, but my mom renewed the restraining order we had against him and nothing ever came of it.

Since about my freshman year or college, I have thought about contacting him and meeting him. I have no idea if I ever will, but it is something I have tossed aroung in my head. Recently, my mom said that she had found my grandmother (father's mother) and one of my aunts on facebook. We didn't stay in touch with his family, so I barely know any of those people and it makes me a bit sad. The biggest thing for me, would be to get to know my cousins and the half brothers and sisters that I am SURE are running around out there.

In terms of how you should feel, no one can tell you that but you. You have to trust your gut and go with what you need for you. If you are going to have a surface relationship with him and see him here and there over the years, then maybe you don't need to rehash the past. If you want to become close to him, that may not be possible unless you address the elephant in the room. It all comes down to what makes you comfortable and what you need to get out of the relationship you want with him.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do, and I think you are very brave to have been handling it so well thus far.

NikBaker

Back in February I had to decide whether or not I wanted my best friend in my life anymore. I decided I didn't, and went from having a relationship where we literally talked every second of every day, to this person no longer exists. It took me a few days to know I loved my friend, but I didn't need her in my life.  At the begining of this month she contacted me, and we've talked a few times very casually, but the main problem I had with her (her boyfriend) is still there. (and before anyone jumps on the I'm a bad friend bandwagon, you don't know the situation; her entire family won't speak to her because of him, and all her other friends  cut all ties long before I did. I left with the hope of it making her realize that no one was the least bit ok with him in her life since reasoning with her for 6 months didn't work) At this point, I really don't think I want her back in my life. With him in her life,  all the trust and respect I had for her is gone, and quite frankly its not a real friendship without those things.  However, one doesn't know what tomorrow will bring.
You only get one dad, and if you can work things out with him, awesome, that is what was meant to happen, and you both will probably learn how much you missed each other.
If it doesn't work out, oh well. It wasn't meant to work out. But you've gone this long without him, and you know you don't need him in your life.
It doesn't matter what you do, which ever path you choose was always going to be the right one for you. It may not be what you think is going to happen, or what you hope to happen, but it always turns out to be the exact right choice.

becunning2

I'm not of the mindset that just because someone is related to you, just because someone is your father, does not necessarily mean that you need to have a relationship with him.  If you *want* to have a relationship with him, enjoyed reconnecting, then take tentative steps in that direction.  Like Bren said, it's not making a commitment to the whole shebang so much as a step toward that end goal. 

If you do NOT want to reconnect though because there's too much past, too much history, and the thought of having this person in your life (even one related to you who is responsible for your birth) is too much to deal with, then listen to yourself and trust yourself with that knowledge.  Don't let others make you feel bad because he's your dad and you should *want* to have a relationship with them because, *gasp, horrors!* he's your father.  Those people annoy me quite a bit...  because, well, I do not have a relationship with my father.

Granted, he's not an awful person. He's not locked up, or on drugs, or a criminal. But just because someone isn't a bad person doesn't mean that that person belongs in your life.  And mine doesn't.  He lives 15 minutes away from me (FIFTEEN!), and I haven't seen him in a couple of years. I've spoken to him three times on the phone this last year (he remembered my birthday--a real shocker--and he called to ask for my sister's number so he could wish her a happy birthday--double shocker).  But he doesn't know my boyfriend's name, where I live, or anything that goes on in my life.  And I'm happier that way.  And I know that, and I've trusted myself to make that decision based off of my years of experience dealing with him.  Trust yourself to make that decision as well.

kellylove22

Bf cut all ties with his father about 15 years ago because his father never really made an effort to be a part of BF's life after his parents divorced. At the time he had cut ties, it was really the final straw for him and I don't think he regrets doing it. However, his father tried to contact him around August 2009, because he was dying (pancreatic cancer). BF's sister talked to him on the phone a few times, but BF refused.

I asked BF once how he felt about missing the chance to speak with his dad before he died, and basically what he said was: he regrets that his father no longer has a chance to make things right, but a phone call wouldn't have made up for all the things his father did to  him (and his mother and sister), so although he is sad that his dad is gone, he knows that all those years of resentment and anger at his dad wouldn't have gone away by speaking to him.

Obviously none of this is from my perspective,  but I'm posting it here for this purpose: re-connect with your dad if you think that he'll take the opportunity to work on the problems that caused you to cut ties with him. If not, you may just be putting yourself through something difficult for you that won't make you whole again in the end. I can tell that for BF the exit of his dad from his life had a profound impact on him, but by the time his dad reached out, things were kind of irreparable. Some think that what BF did was mean or harsh or unnecessary, but he did it to save himself from emotional turmoil. It didn't make everything ok for him,  but it made his life more managable.

Re-connect with your dad if you think giving him that chance will help resolve some of the problems you  have with him, but if you think you're going to end up disappointed by him down the line, don't feel bad for looking out for yourself.

jdrose5

My mother was toxic.   She ruined many relationships including the ones she had with her kids.   She kicked me out when I was 17.  I moved in with my father who she had hid me from for 15 years.  (So basically he was a total stranger to me at the time.)   It has taken another 17 years to rebuild that relationship with my mother.   Ih has been two steps forward one step back at times.   I love her but it has been a slow process.  We take things one step at a time but at some point we had to deal with the reasons I cut ties with her. 

[Deleted User]

I appreciate all of you wonderful ladies sharing such personal stories with me. It really helps to know i'm not the only one who has been through something like this.
I know that it will take time, but I guess I just have to take it as it comes. I do not hate my father, but sometimes I have a hard time believing that the fundamental characteristics of a person can really change. Perhaps I am a bit cynical in this particular area of my life, but I just doubt that he has gotten the help he would need to truly resolve his issues.

I think for now, I will just have a "surface" relationship (as csousa called it) with my dad and see where it goes from there. Like you, bcunning, I don't believe you're guaranteed a relationship with someone strictly because you are related to them.

Thanks for all the support, encouragement and wisdom here gals. It truly has given me a lot to think about.

loves2shop4shoes

If you want to recommence a relationship with him, I'd let the past go for a little while, unti you feel your relationship is strong enough to handle it.  Then, when you feel ready, I'd address it in a very unconfrontational way.  "Dad, I stopped talking to you because I felt hurt by X.  When you did XYZ, it made me feel this.  I want to move on from this, and let it stop being the elephant in the room, but first I think we need to address it together, so we can move on."