I need some sense talked into me

sunflower1008

Hi everyone! Thank you for reading this, if you make it through the whole thing I won't be able to thank you enough.

I am 22 and have been dating my boyfriend, 23, for 5 years. I am a year away from graduating and he has yet to start going to school. I am proud of him because he as figured out what he wants to do and is going for it!

I need someone to gently knock me off my "really want to get engaged pedestal". We have had many in depth conversations about our relationship. He says he doesn't see us ending, which is not exactly "I see us married" but I am trying to stay positive.

I know we are young and have plenty of time be together and experience life. I know he is not ready, he has point blank told me so, but it isn't making the desire go away.

I feel ready emotionally but not situationally or financially. We have lived together for two years before I started school and then when I graduate I have no idea where life will take me.

I feel like I need to be engaged and it sounds ridiculous because I love him and that's really all there is to it, so I should let it go, but what is nagging me is that he is going to start school if everything goes as planned next fall, and I always wanted to start my family before thirty so my parents would be young enough to enjoy them. My dad also has a chronic illness and I want to make sure he will be around to walk me down the aisle. Which no matter how much I believe he will, whenever it happens, there is no guarantee....

Anyway if you have through my long rant thank you again

heyimbren

Your BF said point blank he wasn't ready, so that's that. If you want to stay with him then you make up your mind about what YOU want: to wait for him, or to move on.

That's all I've got. You really need to decide what you want out of life and follow that...whether that includes your current BF or not.

rosacea

Hi there.  I'm from the Hudson Valley so I can just imagine that most of your friends will tell you you are rushing things.  No one in the metropolitan area gets married before 25, didn't you read the handbook? 

But for real, he said he wasn't ready.  He has to figure out where he's going to school (if he's going away).  Why don't you take it one step at a time?

deburnin

What Bren said.

And while I know having your dad at your wedding is important (I really want my gma to be at mine), its not a good reason to get married ASAP. There's never guarantee that loved ones will be at our weddings.

zipis1

I know it's hard. I've been where you were and unfortunately the only thing I can say that helped me was time. I just told myself not to think about it, and DEFINTELY not talk anout it. Eventually it stopped itching at me so much.

Another thing that could help is to find a new and exciting hobby that distracts you from it.

katanne9

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-sense-talked?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7cb4ad63-99dc-41b9-8a02-e7bb674b76e4Post:7bb49ed2-a761-4ac4-8606-df4277c89b2c">I need some sense talked into me</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone! Thank you for reading this, if you make it through the whole thing I won't be able to thank you enough. I am 22 and have been dating my boyfriend, 23, for 5 years. I am a year away from graduating and<strong> he has yet to start going to school</strong>. I am proud of him because he as figured out what he wants to do and is going for it! I need someone to gently knock me off my "really want to get engaged pedestal". We have had many in depth conversations about our relationship. He says h<strong>e doesn't see us ending, which is not exactly "I see us married" but I am t</strong>rying to stay positive. I know we are young and have plenty of time be together and experience life. I know he is not ready, he has point blank told me so, but it isn't making the desire go away.<strong> I feel ready emotionally but not situationally or financially</strong>. We have lived together for two years before I started school and then when I graduate I have no idea where life will take me. I feel like I need to be engaged and it sounds ridiculous because I love him and that's really all there is to it, so I should let it go, but what is nagging me is that he is going<strong> to start school if everything goes as planned next fall, and I always wanted to start my family before thirty so my parents would be young enough to enjoy them. My dad also has a chronic illness and I want to make sure he will be around to walk me</strong> down the aisle. Which no matter how much I believe he will, whenever it happens, there is no guarantee.... Anyway if you have through my long rant thank you again <3
Posted by sunflower1008[/QUOTE]

There are a few things going on. First, you need to RELAX. You seem like you're rushing to get engaged to feel secure about a few things that I think are raising red flags.

A. He has yet to start his professional life. He is JUST starting school. Think about how many changes and challenges he still has yet to go through.

B. It kind of alarms me that you've been together for 5 years, and really hoping for an engagement and your BF can only tell you he doesn't see your relationship "ending". Have you talked about marriage. Yes, you are young, but (albeit I am a minority) my husband is 23 and has been perfectly capable of talking about marriage for years. I'm not saying he needs to be ready to walk down the aisle, but your communication levels should be higher than this.

C. Kids. Wanting kids at a young age is absolutely the worst excuse to get engaged. Your kids will benefit more from a happy, married Mom and Dad than a slightly younger Mom and Dad (or Grandparents.). You have EIGHT YEARS before you "need to start your family". That is a ton of time. BTW, your BF still has yet to go through schooling and you already are putting the baby timebomb on the list? Bad idea.

D. Pressuring yourself because of a family member's illness is also another terrible reason to push an engagement. God willing, he WILL be there to walk you down the aisle, but there is no reason to rush an engagement that isn't right or at the right time purely for that purpose.


You guys seriously need to sit down and talk. If you really want to marry your boyfriend you need to be able to have a mature conversation about all of these things. You really need to take a step back and relax on the engagement part, because it does not sound like you are ready. Good luck and keep us posted.

calindi

Everything Kat said.  And I also recommend talking to a counselor or psychologist.  You know this is on your mind, but you can't (and shouldn't) badger him about it.  The therapist will help you work through where your priorities are and how you view the situation.  I bet a few sessions will make you a lot more patient - sometimes when you bottle up these feelings, it gets a lot worse.

breezerb

I posted this on another post... but it's Friday and I'm lazy so cut and paste it is...

I have been with my man for over 5.5 years  And you know what? At least once a week I wonder when it's going to happen.  You know what keeps me in check? The fact that I have this amazing guy that I know loves me and wants to spend his life with me.  Sure, I may not have a ring or pretty princess day yet, but I have HIM and at the end of the day that's what matters.

You need to sit down and think about your relationship.  Do you love him enough to wait another 2, 5, 8 years?  Because maybe that's what it will take. My SO is 30 and he's just starting to think of marriage and kids.  And although when I was younger I didn't think it was possible for me to wait this long I'm glad we have because it has definitely made us stronger both as individuals and as a couple.

Trust me, I am the only one out of 7 close friends that isn't married yet (I'm 26 and from a small town) and every single time we go home I get asked at least once when the big day is.  It's annoying and yes it reminds me that we are "behind schedule" in the eyes of others but at the end of the day it's just the two of us and I'd rather wait and make sure "this is it" then get married just to have the ring and pretty princess day and regret it later.

oceana919

My name is Oceana, and I approve of Kat's message.

notyetavet

Kat should get a big, gold star for her response. 

OP, I definitely understand where you are coming from.  FI and I started dating when we were 16.  I drove myself nuts before every holiday starting with my 21st birthday thinking that I was "finally" going to be engaged.  I "hinted" that I wanted to be engaged and he constantly told me that it would happen when the time was right.  The right time was nearly 4 years after college graduation when he was financially stable and I was almost done with my second year of graduate school. 

When I look back on how I felt at 21-23 years, there was no way I was ready to be engaged.  I wanted it for the wrong reasons.  I know I've said it around the boards before, but I think it's worth saying again.  So many people plan for the wedding and forget to plan for the marriage.  I was so focused on getting engaged that I was blind to the fact that my FI had a list of very valid reasons for wanting to wait a while before we took that next step. 

It seems like you have a lot of unknowns right now.  Does your boyfriend see himself getting married at some point?  What happens if your future job is in a different part of the country?  What happens if HIS future job is in a different part of the country?  These are just a few of the things that should probably be discussed (without pressuring him for a proposal since he has already expressed that he is not ready).  I'm sure your parents will enjoy being grandparents regardess of how old they are and I don't think there is a father out there that would want his daughter to rush into marriage just to stick to an arbitrary timeline. 

sunflower1008

Thank you for the advice!! After reading this I feel alot better. It is also nice to see that other people have been through this. The thing is that my head knows that it would be a bad idea but my heart really wants it. But with the advice that you have all given me I think it will be easier to feel that it is too early as well as know it.

Thank you all so much for the help!