Everybody Loves Josh

jeanacorina

You know that show Everybody Loves Raymond? Yeah, my life.

So, we still haven't met with our minister, but FMIL did finally call me and tell me the guy's last name. Apparently she told FI his name AGES ago, and FI just.... forgot. That doesn't surprise me, but I feel bad that he let me think his mom was TRYING to drive me crazy by not giving me any information when really it was just his own fault for not caring enough to remember.

Ugh.

His mom is TRYING to get involved with the wedding planning, as of two weeks ago. Do you guys SEE this ticker in my sig??? I have emailed this lady several times since our engagement in August. I've invited her to things. I have tried. She doesn't respond. She did go with me to pick up my wedding dress, and she took me to my fittings at her sister's house. But, she won't answer my questions about guest list, program wording, anything at all. So... I take that as she's not all that interested.

There's not much else to do! Add to that the fact that I still feel really awkward with her because she's been a crazy person my whole relationship, and I don't feel bad that she hasn't been involved.

Anyway, so apparently FI feels bad because his mom has been playing nice for a few months now, and she told him over and over that she wants to help and all we have to do is ask.

So, FINALLY he's ready to meet with the minister (after we already had our meeting with the coordinator and I basically couldn't answer her questions about the ceremony because I just didn't know anything). But, there's a catch.

He wants his parents to go with us.

Okay, okay, so the minister is one of his dad's oldest friends. That's great. And Josh doesn't really know the guy and he doesn't want to call. I get it. BUT. This is not a time for his parents to visit with somebody. This is a time for Josh and I to be able to ask questions and make suggestions for our wedding ceremony. Which I find to be a very personal thing.

It doesn't help that his parents are Catholic and his mom already mentioned how her mother is "rolling over in her grave" because we're not having a Catholic ceremony.

It doesn't help that his mom was basically a horrible human being to me right up until after we got engaged. And even then she wasn't great sometimes.

It doesn't help that I don't care how much she promises not to butt in, I know how much alike she and I are, and I don't think *I* could refrain from giving my opinions if I were her. And I don't want her butting in about OUR wedding ceremony that has NOTHING to do with her.

I don't want her there. She makes me uncomfortable. It's none of her business.

But FI wants her and his dad to feel included and involved. I said "So take them to the open house at the venue next week." He doesn't want to go to that. I said, "Take your dad to get measured for his tux." Josh doesn't think that's really involvement. I said "Go back in time and tell your mom to be nice to me and actually answer my questions and show an interest in the wedding and me in general."

Well, maybe that's asking a bit much.

Yes, we already talked about this. We had a very long talk last night, and it got a little ugly for a bit. And then we talked again and he decided that since I would be THAT uncomfortable, he won't invite his parents to meet with the minister.

But it still bugs me that we even had an argument over it... because it seems so.... I mean..... not something to argue about. And we don't usually ARGUE. We ususally discuss. Sometimes we even have a heated discussion. But he actually told me to shut up and I told him he shouldn't need mommy and daddy to hold his hand for EVERYTHING.

It wasn't nice.

And I just wanted to vent. But you guys know I appreciate your input. So feel free.

paintgirl

I don't have any good advice, just wanted to pass along a hug! I hope you feel better as the day goes on.

alianne87

Wow, you are Deborah. Best wishes, it sounds like you're rightly stressed! P.S, I PM'd you.

Button5807

Stress makes us do ugly things sometimes. *hug*

chipypony

if my BF wasn't in his pump operatoir class right now, I would have read that to him. That is EXACTLY what will happen once we get engaged...im still pushing to elope

desertsun

Well, I have to say, I'm on your side.

My FI doesn't particularly care about what words are said during the ceremony. As long as we're legally married at the end of the day, he's happy.

To me, though, those are some of the most meaningful words of my entire life, and I want each one to feel like US.

What about this as a compromise: First meet with just you, Josh, and the minister. Get the minister on your side, and work with him to identify some things you wouldn't mind getting input on, like which reading to do first. Then ask him if he'd be willing to meet again, this time with Josh's parents. If HE presents the vows and parts of the ceremony you feel strongly about, and doesn't ask for their input on those, but does ask for input on those less important things you already decided on, that is the best of both worlds for everyone.

Also, if you haven't already, try to set up another dinner with the four of you to go over wedding stuff and ask their opinions (again, on stuff that isn't as big a deal to you). Try to find little jobs for them to do. Even if you or Josh aren't present, if they are given some small responsiblity, they are likely to feel more valued and involved. Have his dad set up refreshments for during the rehearsal. Have his mom pick something up or organize something, like setting up your escort cards and guest book. Just little things that you won't have to worry about, but that they can take on as their "thing."

PaigeMcC

Good advice from desert!  I agree with her suggestions.

*HUGS* Stay calm, only a month to go and no matter how this turns out, it will be a wonderful day;)

jeanacorina

Desert, that's great advice, but about giving them little responsibilities: there are none.

A big thing I wanted (and my mom wanted, too) was not to HAVE those kinds of little things to do. That's why we booked the venue we did-- they include EVERYTHING (almost, anyway). FI's parents are hosting the rehearsal dinner, but our rehearsal is planned and done and the coordinator has beverages already lined up. They have an in-house kitchen and always have drinks there. Then we're going straight to dinner.

We don't have escort cards or a seating chart. The guest book is included with the venue. I ask FMIL if she'd like to create some sort of card holder type thing (for cards and money envelopes... you know what I mean) and she agreed to, but hasn't done it and hasn't said a peep. So I'm probably going to buy a decorative birdcage for that.

I mean... my relationship with FMIL is so awkward. She has judged me for everything under the sun, she has criticized me, and has tried her very best to break us up before we were engaged. When we DID get engaged, she didn't tell Josh congratulations, she told him she thought he would wait longer and that she felt he was rushing. We had been in a relationship for 5 years and living together for 2.

She made me feel incredibly unwelcome at her home during hurricane Gustav (my first hurricane ever), even though SHE invited us to stay there and ride out the storm.

I cannot list to you the multitude of ways this woman has insulted me, attempted to get rid of me, and hurt Josh in the process.

If she wasn't his mom, I would never want someone so negative, selfish, and judgmental in my life at all.

Sure, LATELY she's been in a good mood. Maybe it seems like I'm making things worse and holding grudges. Okay, so I am. So what? It's going to take me a while to get over her saying she didn't want me to spend Christmas with her family a couple years ago because I made her feel awkward.

Well, I don't want her there when I'm planning my wedding ceremony because whether she says a peep or not, she makes ME feel awkward.

The stupid wedding is DONE. I'm done planning. Everything is accounted for. Everything is finished. We have this meeting, and I need to place the order for my programs once we finalize the ceremony. That's it. I'm done. She hasn't helped when I asked for it, and now it's all becoming real to her. Yes, her son is marrying the devil-woman from the internet and there's nothing she can do but try to make nice with me now.

Well, I'd rather ignore her existence until the most stressful thing I have ever planned in my life (wedding) is over and I don't have such a big stupid party hanging over me already stressing me out.

Grr, freaking crazy woman and her freaking weird timing with wanting to bond with me.

And freaking weird FI for thinking this is a good time to try to convince me to bond with his crazy mom.

Grr.

desertsun

Your FMIL is crazy, I get it.

You don't need the stress of dealing with the crazy lady, I get it.

But she's not going to just disappear, is she?

You can't really ignore her, can you?

And she will be your MIL for the rest of your life, right?

Regardless of her past behavior or how stressful or awkward your relationship with her is, and the fact that you are the bride and it's YOUR DAY, she is Josh's mom. He is her son. She will forever hold it against you if she doesn't get what she wants now.

I don't like it either, but that's pretty much the reality, yes?

So you have to get her to tell you and/or Josh exactly what she wants and then figure out how you can best appease her.

I truly think dealing with the extra stress, annoyance, and awkwardness now will pay off down the road.

I know the woman is irrational and has treated you horribly, and I think it sucks, and I'd hate to be in your position. I completely understand where you're coming from. I just think that maybe you're not seeing the big picture, so I'm tossing my two cents out there and hoping that it helps.

But know that I completely support you doing whatever you think is best.

jeanacorina

Desert, I REALLY appreciate your bluntness and support. I think I need that from someone who isn't FI right now.

He and I talked again today. I'm not mad or frustrated at him anymore. We talked about his mom and her strange repeated offer to help. He says he didn't really realize that to me, talking to the minister is not a public event.

So no parents will be present for that.

But he and I talked about inviting his mom and dad to lunch or something one day and just talking about the wedding. I don't really know what to do to make her feel involved when she has waited until a month before the wedding to WANT to be involved. Unlike Josh and his family, I don't procrastinate (at least not on anything that isn't homework). I get sh!t done, people! lol

I guess we'll just figure it out on the fly. I told Josh his mom can help by hosting the rehearsal dinner, which she is. But we THINK she's booked it at a restaurant. So... she's done. lol

I mean, that's like what I did with the wedding. I found people to do most of the tedious stuff. Did you see my DIY day? I did like, 2 things. 

When I get the programs in I will ask if she wants to help me tie ribbons on them. If I think of anything else maybe I'll ask her to help. I just don't see what I can involve her in. All along, my goal was to have everything done before finals. I am pretty dang close to that goal. She dragged her feet when we got engaged and missed everything. I mean, we booked the venue (DJ, caterer, coordinator, linens, etc), photographer, florist, and ordered my dress in the first 2 months.

She and I just work on totally different wavelengths. It's the same between Josh and I: I'm high-energy and will see something, think about it, make a decision, and execute a plan before he even knows there was anything going on.

desertsun

Yup, that's what I'm here for!

I'm glad you and Josh talked and are not feeling so frustrated any more. I always hate to feel like my FI and I are not united on important stuff, so I know that you guys must both be feeling a bit of relief after talking.

I really think just spending some time with Josh and his parents and talking about wedding stuff will help them feel more a part of things. Most people just want to feel included, and the best way to accomplish that is just to spend time with them.

And of course any tiny little thing you can get her in on, you should make every effort to do. Sounds like you already have one or two things in mind, and that's great!

Anything you can ask her opinion on, do it. Try to take at least a couple of her suggestions if she has any. Don't feel obligated and don't stress, but again, just asking her will make a difference, I think. (I hope!)

That's all you can do at this point, and I for one think you are a mature, considerate, and all around wonderful human being for continuing to make effort with the crazy lady.

katanne9

Good advice from Desert.



This statement made me giggle:

His mom is TRYING to get involved with the wedding planning, as of two weeks ago. Do you guys SEE this ticker in my sig???



Hugs to you Jeana. I'm sorry she's so awful. I don't really have any advice, I just want to remind you and Josh to stick together. My FMIL and FFIL let his mom drive them, and as a result, their marriage apart. Don't give her the power. You are the team unit. Stay strong and stick together : ) This is something he needs to realize the importance of.

[Deleted User]

First of all, she sounds EXACTLY like MY mother.  It's a good thing a I moved 800+ miles away from her, so I really don't have to deal with things like this.  However I am sure she'll have plenty to say when she finds out about our elopement (which, if all goes as planned she won't know anything until it's all over with) and then, I can just let her yell at my voicemail instead of me - haha.

Ok Ok, seriously... I completely understand what you are saying.  If she wanted to help and be involved with the wedding planning, SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE WAITED UNTIL A MONTH BEFORE!!  What kinda crap is that?!  And I think it is completely ridiculous that they would even want to meet with the minister with you two - if anything in this wedding planning is personal and should only be for you and FI, it's meeting with the minister.   *big hugs*  I thought about you this weekend when we went through the drive-thru hurricane place.