Question on How to Handle SO's Mom (sorry kinda long)

kayely88

Okay so I know it's not very good to talk about you SO's parents or even your own parents badly on messages boards because it could be traced back to you but I need to know how to handle this situation because clearly I don't know how to.

My BF's mom is very nice don't get me wrong but recently she is giving my BF s*** because she thinks we're moving too fast. We've been dating almost a year, love to spend all of our time together and I spend the night frequently at his house. When he went home to PA for Thanksgiving he told his mom how much he loves me and wants to marry me one day. She flipped out and began crying and telling him he should make the right decisions and she hopes he knows what he's doing. 

She told him she completely disagrees of me spending so many nights over there because it's like we're technically living together and where is the excitement going to be when we finally do get married and move in together? She thinks it's going to be gone when that day finally comes. 

He also told her he's never been happier and she replied with, "Happier then when you were at home with mommy?" She's said this frequently and in the company of my presence too. 

The thing is my BF can't stick up for himself around her and it drives me crazy! He always tells me, "Well maybe we should consider what my mom is saying." Is he nuts? He's 24 and has been on his own since he's been 17! I, however, still live with my parents and they have no problem with us as a couple and don't think anything is wrong. I asked them and talked to them about it.

I love my BF dearly but I really wish he would stick up to his mom and tell her that we need to make our own decisions and she just has to accept whatever we do. 

She not only picks on my BF but also his older brother and SIL too. They live half an hour away and she always expects them to visit her and cater to what she wants to do. The two of them work full time and are trying to have a baby. My BF's mom called my BF the other night and complained about how his brother and SIL are being selfish and then she started crying because they haven't visited in six weeks. My BF was so sad and guilty feeling.

I'm bringing this up because we're visiting his parents this weekend in PA and I'm a little nervous to go up there. He says his mom loves me but with all this going on I'm second guessing. 

I just wanted to post this because I hope I don't sound like a bitch or nasty or anything. Or maybe I'm just overreacting or what not. I would love some feedback on this and if you guys think I'm being ridiculous then I'll apologize for bringing all this up in the first place. LOL. Thanks!

bourgehm

You're quick to disregard your BF's feelings about possibly listening to what your mom says.  I was in a similar situation (FI's parents didn't want us to get married at first either), and here's what I've found to help.

1) LISTEN TO THEM. Sit down with her and have a chat with her. Listen to her concerns. Listen to all of them. Don't say 'naaa, that's not a concern'. Actually sit there and listen. When she's ALL done, say something like, "I can see you're concern. Thank you for your input. BF and I will make the decision, but we value your feedback." Just being listened to can help. My premarriage counselor told us that.

2) Spend time with them. This can help if they get to know you as a couple better. A year isn't a LONG time dating. It takes time to get parents on your side.

3) Whether you like it or not, you're marrying into his family. You need to be okay with that. I'ts important that you can at least get their blessing.  It will make things much easier in the long run to have a supportive and loving MIL.

4) LISTEN TO YOUR BF!!! It seems liike you're just saying his feelings are dumb. YOu need to listen to him. If he's saying maybe he's unsure about your mom's feelings, maybe he's unsure about his own. Listen to him. Sit down and talk to him.  Maybe there's some truth to what you possible future MIL is saying...

kayely88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_question-handle-sos-mom-sorry-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8464f4de-3359-4b0d-93d1-5548b9d85417Post:74a769a1-7497-4d78-bacb-23900c560353">Re: Question on How to Handle SO's Mom (sorry kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]You're quick to disregard your BF's feelings about possibly listening to what your mom says.  I was in a similar situation (FI's parents didn't want us to get married at first either), and here's what I've found to help. 1) LISTEN TO THEM. Sit down with her and have a chat with her. Listen to her concerns. Listen to all of them. Don't say 'naaa, that's not a concern'. Actually sit there and listen. <strong>When she's ALL done, say something like, "I can see you're concern. Thank you for your input. BF and I will make the decision, but we value your feedback."</strong> Just being listened to can help. My premarriage counselor told us that. 2) Spend time with them. This can help if they get to know you as a couple better. A year isn't a LONG time dating. It takes time to get parents on your side. 3) Whether you like it or not, you're marrying into his family. You need to be okay with that. I'ts important that you can at least get their blessing.  It will make things much easier in the long run to have a supportive and loving MIL. 4) LISTEN TO YOUR BF!!! It seems liike you're just saying his feelings are dumb. YOu need to listen to him. If he's saying maybe he's unsure about your mom's feelings, maybe he's unsure about his own. Listen to him. Sit down and talk to him.  Maybe there's some truth to what you possible future MIL is saying...
Posted by bourgehm[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I see where you're coming from and the thing is I have talked to my parents about it but haven't really paid attention to his parents. His dad doesn't seem to care because he never talks about it. His mom is very outspoken and he has listened to his mom and told her exactly what you said in your first point. </div><div>
</div><div>Me and him agreed to take a step back on spending the night at his house but we haven't and he's told me that he doesn't care anymore and it's his life and his mom has to accept that but I don't think he's told her that yet. </div><div>
</div><div>I definitely don't think my boyfriend's feelings are dumb. I consider all his feelings and listen to him and support him. We've both been in relationships before where our feelings have never been considered. And I definitely didn't mean to call him nuts. Just went on a rant. </div><div>
</div><div>Thanks for your input. We aren't planning on getting married for a little longer. We've only talked about it and would like to marry one another eventually. I think it is hard for his mom because we live in a different state than she does so she's not around all the time. But I think it's still hard for me to understand because his mom doesn't want him to make the same mistakes as she did. She had a child out of wedlock at 18 and basically told him not to ruin his life and what not. It's just a little confusing to me. </div><div>
</div>

hetshup

Tell her to get to steppin', boo.

bourgehm

Thanks for the response! After reading your vent, it just sounded like how I responded. Why exactly doesn't she want you to get married? Is it just 'too fast' or something for her?

[Deleted User]

To me, it sounds like your BF's mom is going through a little bit of "empty nesters" syndrome...meaning that she's missing having her boys around. I don't think it's uncommon for moms to miss their kids, unfortunately it sounds like she's blaming you and her DIL for that. You have to understand that it's not personal...her feelings would be the same (most likely) no matter who your BF was dating.

I would make an effort to spend time with your BFs parents when you can. Ask how they've been, send thank you cards if they send little gifts or food home with you - make the extra effort in building a relationship with her. The more she sees you becoming a part of her family...instead of seeing you as stealing her family...the easier the transition will be for the both of you!

kayely88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_question-handle-sos-mom-sorry-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8464f4de-3359-4b0d-93d1-5548b9d85417Post:5f37d7cf-48da-4d89-ac40-da2854ee235d">Re: Question on How to Handle SO's Mom (sorry kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the response! After reading your vent, it just sounded like how I responded. Why exactly doesn't she want you to get married? Is it just 'too fast' or something for her?
Posted by bourgehm[/QUOTE]

<div>I've never really heard her voice a reason as to why she doesn't want us to get married. She just says we're going too fast. </div><div>
</div><div>I think she is suffering a little bit from what allusive said about the empty nest syndrome. =)</div>

heyimbren

Cliche line, but it sounds like you don't have as much of a problem with your BF's mom as much as you have a problem with him not being upfront with her. This is an issue you and he need to work out on how your relationship will go from here when others (i.e. parents) try to get involved in it. It's only going to get worse in the future.

Also, I agree with Hope's comment that if he thinks you two need to step back like his mom suggested, then maybe that's a good thing. You HAVEN'T been dating that long, and that's okay. While it does sound like she doesn't want her little boy to grow up that fast I think it's genuine concern.

That being said, he is an adult and he does live on his own. If he was still living with his parents, then my advice would be different. If you two are okay with your relationship, then that's great. But I don't think you should ignore her advice because it doesn't line up with how you feel right now. Definitely consider it, and if you decide after seriously considering it that you don't want to change things, then don't. Your BF can then lay down some boundaries for his mom.

bourgehm

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_question-handle-sos-mom-sorry-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8464f4de-3359-4b0d-93d1-5548b9d85417Post:bcd0e232-1d54-4997-8648-4ce512d9cc12">Re: Question on How to Handle SO's Mom (sorry kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question on How to Handle SO's Mom (sorry kinda long) : I've never really heard her voice a reason as to why she doesn't want us to get married. She just says we're going too fast.  I think she is suffering a little bit from what allusive said about the empty nest syndrome. =)
Posted by kayely88[/QUOTE]

If you've never heard her voice her reasons, than that's what you need to do as the first step! You can't handle the issues or counteract her worries if you dont' even know what they are!!

[Deleted User]

You will rarely, if ever, hear us say that you should ignore a parent's advice unless it just sounds absolutely crazy. It's seems as though the reason you listen to your parents is because they don't object to whatever you are doing but you ignore his mother because she does. Like Bourgehm said, you should listen to her concerns and not be so quick to brush her off. Especially if your BF's initial reaction was to consider what she was saying. The only reason he has said he doesnt care, it's his life, etc. is because he is appeasing you because it's easier to appease you when his mother doesnt live close and he can just hide things from her.

It does take parents (especially moms) a long time to get used to their children growing up. I'm 29 years old and my parents have finally realized that I'm an adult and can make adult decisions without their help. They've sat back and watched me handle certain situations and see that I've learned my lessons from my past relationships. You guys are young, take your time. Most of all, LISTEN to people that are older, wiser and more experienced than you. Try to LEARN the reasons why they give you such advice before you just say "Oh she's crazy and she just can't handle me being with her son!"

Good luck!

PolkaDotBella

  To me, it sounds like she's just being a concerned parent and wants what is best for her son. What you two may think is best, may not be her idea of what is best, but try to be understanding of where she's coming from and listen to what she's saying. You may not agree with it, but at least hear her out. Just by letting her talk about her feelings and concerns may make her feel better about the situation.

  Also, maybe try to get to know her better. My bf's mom was not a huge fan of mine when we first started dating... she thought we were to young to be in a serious relationship, but I made an effort to get to know her and over time, she began to accept our relationship and me!

kayely88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_question-handle-sos-mom-sorry-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8464f4de-3359-4b0d-93d1-5548b9d85417Post:96a5f3cc-682c-4fd7-939f-ab5928455a5a">Re: Question on How to Handle SO's Mom (sorry kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question on How to Handle SO's Mom (sorry kinda long) : If you've never heard her voice her reasons, than that's what you need to do as the first step! You can't handle the issues or counteract her worries if you dont' even know what they are!!
Posted by bourgehm[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I know! When BF called me from PA over Thanksgiving to tell me all about this I asked him did he ask her why she thought this and he said he didn't feel comfortable to ask her because she was so upset. </div><div>
</div><div>Bren - We did seriously talk it over about taking a break from sleeping at his house. And for a few nights in January we did do it, it was our New Year's Resolution but then it just stopped and I was back to coming over most nights. He then told me the other day he didn't care anymore and it's his life. I just wish he'd talk to his mom about it. Set the boundaries and everything.

</div>

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_question-handle-sos-mom-sorry-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:8464f4de-3359-4b0d-93d1-5548b9d85417Post:039b2661-7e21-4ebb-81b5-184a61acc422">Re: Question on How to Handle SO's Mom (sorry kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question on How to Handle SO's Mom (sorry kinda long) : I know! When BF called me from PA over Thanksgiving to tell me all about this I asked him did he ask her why she thought this and he said he didn't feel comfortable to ask her because she was so upset.  Bren - We did seriously talk it over about taking a break from sleeping at his house. And for a few nights in January we did do it, it was our New Year's Resolution but then it just stopped and I was back to coming over most nights. <strong>He then told me the other day he didn't care anymore and it's his life. I just wish he'd talk to his mom about it. Set the boundaries and everything.
</strong>Posted by kayely88[/QUOTE]

While it's great that he said it to <u>you,</u> you're right- the next step is for him to talk to <u>her</u> about it. And that IS something for you to be a bit concerned about.

Lots of the old regs on here have said it before, and they're spot on: the sooner you set boundaries, the better, because otherwise it just escalates. Such as, what happens when you two have kids? Or when you really are planning a wedding?

If you're going to visit his parents soon, I like Hope's suggestion of either him or both of you talking to them about it. Not just about the sleeping over bit, but about the relationship in general. They have lots of life experience and wisdom to share with you, so take it! It doesn't mean you have to obey them and be stuck under their thumb, but it can't hurt to listen.

Hazel_B

I am in agreement with Allusive on this one, particularly if she's giving his brother and his wife grief about not visiting enough.

Does she have a lot going on in her life that keeps her busy? If not, that could mayke the empty nest syndrome even worse.

Her reasoning for not wanting things to move so fast could be because he is out of state and your family is there, so it looks to her like it could be permanent for her son to not be in the area. That's never easy for a parent to realize.

desertsun

I think you and your BF need to establish a boundary that you are both comfortable with in regard to his family. How much time should you spend with them? How much of your personal life as a couple are you comfortable sharing? And your BF has to be willing to be vocal about it.

For example, you could decide as a couple that it's not okay for your BF's parents to know how often you sleep over. Then when BF's mom asks about it, BF says something like "Thanks for your concern, but that's something that is private and I'm not comfortable discussing it with you."

There is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping certain things private, and it's good to establish those boundaries early on. This will help when it comes time to plan the wedding -- his family won't just assume they get final say so in every little thing. Start forming good communication habits now. Practice articulating your feelings and preferences in a respectful way. ETA: This is esp. important for your BF to work on since it's apparently something he is not yet comfortable with. It really is just a matter of coming to a joint decision, and then BF talking with his family about it. It does have to come from him and NOT from you, IMO.

I DO think it would be a good idea to make effort to spend time with his family together. SHOW BF's mom through your actions that you are part of BF's life, but that family is important to you both and that YOU support BF maintaining his family relationships.

I think this is one of those things where if you treat his mom respectfully, take time to listen to her and spend time with her, and show by how you act that you two are ready for marriage, that she will come around in time. Be patient, hon! A year is not so long, and you are both relatively young still.

kayely88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_question-handle-sos-mom-sorry-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8464f4de-3359-4b0d-93d1-5548b9d85417Post:880dcf4f-4778-4c4e-93a4-e5d5a99c053e">Re: Question on How to Handle SO's Mom (sorry kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question on How to Handle SO's Mom (sorry kinda long) : While it's great that he said it to you, you're right- the next step is for him to talk to her about it. And that IS something for you to be a bit concerned about. Lots of the old regs on here have said it before, and they're spot on: <strong>the sooner you set boundaries, the better, because otherwise it just escalates. Such as, what happens when you two have kids? Or when you really are planning a wedding?</strong> If you're going to visit his parents soon, I like Hope's suggestion of either him or both of you talking to them about it. Not just about the sleeping over bit, but about the relationship in general. They have lots of life experience and wisdom to share with you, so take it! It doesn't mean you have to obey them and be stuck under their thumb, but it can't hurt to listen.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

<div>Thanks Bren! Since we are going up this weekend I think it's time for us to talk to them. Because this is driving me crazy I just need to clarify things and so does he. I am nervous about that with our future. His brother and SIL did not set boundaries and BF's mom is intrusive with their relationship. Which is why she's always upset when they try to spend time as a couple away from her. BF's SIL had her help with planning their wedding and decorating and throwing parties and having a say and now SIL can't take it anymore. </div><div>
</div><div>My BF's brother is worried that when they do have a kid will their mom be there all the time to take care of the baby and intrude on that too. </div>

kayely88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_question-handle-sos-mom-sorry-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8464f4de-3359-4b0d-93d1-5548b9d85417Post:cfa93508-8d17-43fa-b756-6f0530c3235e">Re: Question on How to Handle SO's Mom (sorry kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you and your BF need to establish a boundary that you are both comfortable with in regard to his family. How much time should you spend with them? How much of your personal life as a couple are you comfortable sharing? And your BF has to be willing to be vocal about it. For example, you could decide as a couple that it's not okay for your BF's parents to know how often you sleep over. Then when BF's mom asks about it, BF says something like "Thanks for your concern, but that's something that is private and I'm not comfortable discussing it with you." There is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping certain things private, and it's good to establish those boundaries early on. This will help when it comes time to plan the wedding -- his family won't just assume they get final say so in every little thing. Start forming good communication habits now. Practice articulating your feelings and preferences in a respectful way. ETA: This is esp. important for your BF to work on since it's apparently something he is not yet comfortable with. It really is just a matter of coming to a joint decision, and then BF talking with his family about it. It does have to come from him and NOT from you, IMO. I DO think it would be a good idea to make effort to spend time with his family together. SHOW BF's mom through your actions that you are part of BF's life, but that family is important to you both and that YOU support BF maintaining his family relationships. I think this is one of those things where if you treat his mom respectfully, take time to listen to her and spend time with her, and show by how you act that you two are ready for marriage, that she will come around in time. Be patient, hon! A year is not so long, and you are both relatively young still.
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Thanks desertsun. A lot of what you said is pretty good. I definitely need to talk to him about keeping some stuff private. For example on Valentine's Day I got him a book that was like a keepsake book where you could write and reminisce about your relationship. He loved it and said we should show his mom this weekend when we go up because she would think it was cute too. I explained to him that I don't think showing his mom is a good idea and that we should keep it private. There was nothing dirty in it but it had stuff in it when it was just us two and about our relationship that I don't think any of our parents need to know. 

</div>

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_question-handle-sos-mom-sorry-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8464f4de-3359-4b0d-93d1-5548b9d85417Post:3b203629-9ae3-49f7-9b38-d08414092daa">Re: Question on How to Handle SO's Mom (sorry kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question on How to Handle SO's Mom (sorry kinda long) : Thanks desertsun. A lot of what you said is pretty good. I definitely need to talk to him about keeping some stuff private. For example on Valentine's Day I got him a book that was like a keepsake book where you could write and reminisce about your relationship. He loved it and said we should show his mom this weekend when we go up because she would think it was cute too. I explained to him that I don't think showing his mom is a good idea and that we should keep it private. There was nothing dirty in it but it had stuff in it when it was just us two and about our relationship that I don't think any of our parents need to know. 
Posted by kayely88[/QUOTE]


You're welcome! Just explain to BF that being close doesn't have to mean sharing everything.

Also, regarding what his mom said about being married being less special if you've lived together or stayed over a lot -- it's nonsense. My H and I lived together for 3 years before getting married, and I don't think that's taken ANYTHING away from the specialness of being married. In fact, I think that having that experience of living together before and after are each unique and valuable experiences. In fact, i wouldn't know how great it is to be married and living together if I hadn't had living together without being married to compare it to, if that makes sense. Of course your living arrangements are totally up to you. I completely support couples who choose NOT to live together. I'm just saying that IMO living together takes NOTHING away from the joy of marriage. :)

Blue & White

I really got the sense that you were both about 18 from the post until you stated that the boyfriend was 24.  My parents and my boyfriend's parents have never been so psychotic.  While I agree with the vast amount of the above postings, I also want to say that I wouldn't deal with a crazy potential in-law.

Then again, is she really so crazy?
She asks that you visit occasionally.  That's normal, I'd think.  Crying over it when it doesn't happen?  Not normal.
She asks that you don't spend the night so often (so that you don't have sex, most likely, and so that you don't steal her boy away from him).  While it's not totally in vogue to NOT spend the night with your boyfriend, it's a reasonable request from a parent.  She'll get over it.  But I'd also say that (for your sanity), you should make an effort to spend some time apart.  Even though you're in a relationship, you still have to make sure that you still have an individual personality.

I think your SO's mom is just a normal mom, frankly.  I'd just see how the weekend visiting goes.  And obviously, you're the guest - so be somewhat respectful of her regardless of how crazy she gets (yes, if she requests you sleep in a separate room, you don't throw a fit)

jeanacorina

I shacked up with DH before we were married, and I'm still thrilled to be married. Just wanted to pipe in about that.

As for the rest of it, I think these ladies have you pretty well-covered.

kayely88

Okay ladies I talked to him! 

He totally understands where I'm coming from and we drew up a plan between us of what we can and cannot talk about to our parents. We're going to talk to his parents this weekend and I'm going to kill them with kindness all weekend. 

We're going to talk to his mom especially and hear what she has to say. Then we're going to tell her what we think. 

BF and I still don't see any harm in spending the night and we are going to tell his mom this. 

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I really appreciate it.

I will let you guys know how it goes. But my BF and I are still in a new relationship and we're working through the communication barrier. We still have things to work on before anything major happens.