Is there anything I can do?

Swazzle

I had posted about my cousin who was addicted to heroin & woke up next to a dead guy & finally decided to get help.  She went to rehab & 2 days after she was released she tested positive for drugs.  I didn't know this until the other day.  I did however know that she was back with the guy she was dating before she went to rehab & she's posted pictures of herself getting drunk on FB.

I sent her a message asking what's going on, is everything ok, I'm still here for you, remember this is YOUR life & you need to live it for yourself & not for people who are going to bring you down.  I also asked her if she values her friends more than her own life because it seems that way when she get out of rehab & goes back to hanging out with the same exact people that helped fuel her habit begin with.  I reminded her about 'people, places, things'.  I told her I loved her & to please think about what she's doing.  

That was Monday. She never responded but she had been on FB since so I wrote on her wall asking her if she got my message & could she respond.  No response to me but she's updated her status twice & commented on things people have written on her wall since.  

Do you guys have any advice? I realize if she doesn't want help there's nothing I can do to help her but I feel like I didn't push enough last time & she could have died. 

kellyt89

I feel like you've done all you can do right now. I'm sure she read the message but probably isn't able to respond. I think it was good that you reminded her that you love her and are still there for her and hopefully she'll remember that when she's ready to get help.

I'm sorry your family is going through this rdr

elannis

I agree that you've probably done all that you can. You can't make people change if they don't want to. She doesn't seem to really want to. Not enough anyways. I hope she does someday soon, but for now I think you've done good by letting her know that you still care about her. I'll say a prayer for her.

Swazzle

Thanks girls.

I kind of figured that. I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else.  It's such a helpless feeling, having to stand by & watch someone you care about do this to themselves. 

Stina51286

I agree with the ladies, the only way she is going to get the help she really needs is if she does it herself and you'd think that by waking up next to someone who died from OD she'd get a big kick in the face with reality that it could happen to her. If you push too hard she'll probably just ignore you. Its going to be hard watching that, maybe just delete her from facebook so that you don't have to see the aweful things she's doing or posting?

jaycee7389

I'm sorry rdr. I think you did all that you really can, for now. I would keep reaching out to her though, and maybe one day she will take you up on your offer.

I'm not sure if you live close to her, but maybe send her a message saying that if she ever needs picked up from a bad situation at any time of the day or night you can come get her, no questions asked.

Swazzle

Stina: I'm kind of afraid to delete her from FB.  I feel like it's the only way to keep track of her & honestly when she was doing bad a few months ago it's the only way I could let her mom know that she was still alive.  I have considered it but I just keep going back to that. 

Jaycee: I just messaged her again & said I can see she's not going to respond but that I'm always here for her day or night, she can call me anytime (I live over 2 hours away so being able to be there for her physically at anytime isn't possible). Thank you for the advice!!

elannis

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-anything-can?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:84aa3382-31e0-41ba-b7a9-915c9effb1c7Post:a7b25424-a538-465c-b4e9-6a6acd12992e">Re: Is there anything I can do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks girls. I kind of figured that. I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else.  It's such a helpless feeling, <strong>having to stand by & watch someone you care about do this to themselves. </strong>
Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]

Very true. My friend isn't into drugs, but she has anorexia so bad that she is starting menopause in her mid 20s. I've tried convincing her to get counseling again or go to group sessions with me, but she refuses. She thinks she has it under control and doesn't want to do what they'll tell her to do. It's frustrating and I honestly have no idea how I should handle it sometimes, but as long as we let them know that we are a safe place to come to if they ever do want the help, that's the best thing we can do for them.

jorja86

You've done everything you can. I think it's important that she knows you are there for her, when she decides to get it together.

You can't help people who don't want to be helped, no matter how much you want to.

Swazzle

She just messaged me back and said that she's back at home & yes she drank on NYE but she hasn't been getting high at all.  

Did you know that drug addicts & liars go hand in hand?

I responded with "I hope that's the case. Between seeing you tell people that you were kicked out of the house on FB, and hearing from people in the family that 2 days after rehab you got high and that you took off again it definitely doesn't sound that way. But like I said, I really hope that's the case."

And then she admits she smoked dope 2 days after getting out of rehab. 

J&K10910

Your messages aren't at all helpful to her.  Sorry, but they're not.

People with chemical dependency issues feel so much shame and guilt on their own.  It probably doesn't seem like it, but they do.  A really common cognitive distortion they have is when they're accused (and I know you were trying to accuse, but I assure you that your most recent message will very likely come across that way to her) of something, if they're NOT doing it, they'll think "Well, I'm not drinking/drugging/whatever but everyone still thinks I am, so I might as well."

I'm not saying to coddle and enable her, but it's probably best to leave it at "I'm always here for you if you need someone to talk to/a sober person to hang out with/etc."  Touch base with her from time to time and see how she's doing, without bringing up her addiction.

Or better yet, ask her how she'd like you to approach her if you're concerned. 

peekaboo2011

*hugs* RDR.  That's all I have for you.  Lots of love and hugs.

GoldenPenguin

I'm sending hugs too.

Unfortunately, everything I know about addicts of any kind is that they aren't going to stop until THEY want to stop. No amount of you (not specifically you, rdr, but "you" in general) trying to convince them that they should stop & get the help they need is going to make them realize it until they want to do it. You've done all you can at this point, I think... she knows you're there for her, and hopefully she'll come to the realization that she needs the help you're ready to give her.

elannis

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-anything-can?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:84aa3382-31e0-41ba-b7a9-915c9effb1c7Post:ec7f3e5b-72ec-4baa-a83c-929366e0ecec">Re: Is there anything I can do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your messages aren't at all helpful to her.  Sorry, but they're not. People with chemical dependency issues feel so much shame and guilt on their own.  It probably doesn't seem like it, but they do.  A really common cognitive distortion they have is when they're accused (and I know you were trying to accuse, but I assure you that your most recent message will very likely come across that way to her) of something, if they're NOT doing it, they'll think "Well, I'm not drinking/drugging/whatever but everyone still thinks I am, so I might as well." I'm not saying to coddle and enable her, but it's probably best to leave it at "I'm always here for you if you need someone to talk to/a sober person to hang out with/etc."  Touch base with her from time to time and see how she's doing, without bringing up her addiction. Or better yet, ask her how she'd like you to approach her if you're concerned. 
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

My friend has said something similar to me. She said she gets comments from her family and friends about them not believing her or accusing her, even subtly, and it just makes her want to withdraw. And we all know you didn't mean to, but maybe try to not call her out on things. She'll come clean if she wants to and feels free to, but if you push her into it, it might make her lie even more.

I have no idea what the right thing to say is, my friend randomly will text me to tell me she's only had a granola bar and a vitamin water and then ask if that's bad. What do I say to that? Of course it is. She knows this. But I try not to lecture her and have even asked her what she wants me to say when she does that. She said she doesn't know. I'm rambling now, and don't mean to threadjack, but any suggestions for me would be greatly appreciated too.

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-anything-can?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:84aa3382-31e0-41ba-b7a9-915c9effb1c7Post:b4ea5c57-187a-4ed5-bf2b-ea2c0e344335">Re: Is there anything I can do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is there anything I can do? : My friend has said something similar to me. She said she gets comments from her family and friends about them not believing her or accusing her, even subtly, and it just makes her want to withdraw. And we all know you didn't mean to, but maybe try to not call her out on things. She'll come clean if she wants to and feels free to, but if you push her into it, it might make her lie even more. I have no idea what the right thing to say is, my friend randomly will text me to tell me she's only had a granola bar and a vitamin water and then ask if that's bad. What do I say to that? Of course it is. She knows this. But I try not to lecture her and have even asked her what she wants me to say when she does that. She said she doesn't know. I'm rambling now, and don't mean to threadjack, but any suggestions for me would be greatly appreciated too.
Posted by elannis[/QUOTE]

I don't know, because I don't know your friend, but it sounds like she's looking for support.  Not validation, that's totally different and not ok, but support.

If it were me, and she texted me that, I would probably ask if she wanted to hang out (not food related...so watch a movie or something) or I'd give her a call.  I think she probably knows you're a safe person to talk to, and that might be her way of saying "Hey, I'm feeling really crappy, and I know this isn't ok, please help me."  Except she doesn't know HOW you should help her.  So in this case, I think support is the best thing you can offer her.  With enough support, eventually she might get to a place where she can open up a bit more to you, and then you might better know how to respond. 

elannis

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-anything-can?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:84aa3382-31e0-41ba-b7a9-915c9effb1c7Post:6e5b19c0-faef-43df-bc79-d4ebed07a6a1">Re: Is there anything I can do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is there anything I can do? : I don't know, because I don't know your friend, but it sounds like she's looking for support.  Not validation, that's totally different and not ok, but support. If it were me, and she texted me that, I would probably ask if she wanted to hang out (not food related...so watch a movie or something) or I'd give her a call.  I think she probably knows you're a safe person to talk to, and that might be her way of saying "Hey, I'm feeling really crappy, and I know this isn't ok, please help me."  Except she doesn't know HOW you should help her.  So in this case, I think support is the best thing you can offer her.  With enough support, eventually she might get to a place where she can open up a bit more to you, and then you might better know how to respond. 
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

The thing is, she does this at least once a week. It's her saying that or she'll tell me she feels bloated and fat and depressed and is having a really bad day. It's hard to know how to handle it when it happens so often. She's also very controlling so she limits the time she has with anyone. She works and goes to the gym twice a day and refuses to just sit still. When we hang out, it's usually walking around the grocery store or something. We don't have a neutral place to hang out that doesn't involve food or money even if she would just sit and talk. She's a very complex person and not easy to be around, but she's a really good person. I'll try and kidnap her this weekend and hang out with her and see if some more time together will help her. Thanks for the advice!

J&K10910

It's possible she limits her time around other people in order to limit her exposure to them at times when she "should" be eating.  It would help her hide her illness. 

I'm sad for her.  It sort of feels like she wants to reach out for help but she doesn't know how. 

beanbot2002

Oh rdr...I just want to hug you. My sister is an addict and gosh darn it makes me so angry. She knows I'm here for her, but for so many years I enabled her. I got to the point where she was pretty toxic in my life. I love her all the same, but I had to make a decision to have my one on one contact with her limited. She's suffered multiple health set backs as a result and I've literally slapped her and said "Uh, hello! What the hell you donkey f-er?" I realized I could show her all I wanted what she was doing to herself and it wasn't going to make one damn ounce of difference. Hopefully she loves herself one day and stops, but I can't decide that for her.
All my love to you sweetie. Pray for your cousin and love her. I think that's the best you can do.

elannis

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-anything-can?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:84aa3382-31e0-41ba-b7a9-915c9effb1c7Post:f6397cb2-0c60-475f-af8f-60b0f69ccd30">Re: Is there anything I can do?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's possible she limits her time around other people in order to limit her exposure to them at times when she "should" be eating.  It would help her hide her illness.  I'm sad for her.  It sort of feels like she wants to reach out for help but she doesn't know how. 
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

That makes sense. I've offered to go to support group meetings with her if she would do it, but she refuses. She doesn't want to go back to the clinic either. Her parents are absolutely no help and criticize her often, but she doesn't have enough money to move out on her own. As you can tell, she's very controlling and has impossible standards so she doesn't have a boyfriend and her parents won't let her get a dog. On top of that, she's gotten into getting piercings/tattoos and has admitted she likes the pain so I'm concerned that if she gets low enough she could possible resort to hurting herself. I worry about her, but she won't do anything about it, so I will just keep being there for her, not pushing her, and try to spend more time with her.

J&K10910

I really want to give your friend a big hug. 

jaycee7389

J&K, were you referring to all of rdr's messages or just the most recent one? I think the first few were great, but I agree that the last could come off as accusatory. TBH, it did to me somewhat, so to a drug addict it most likely did.

Rdr, keep hanging in there. PM me anytime you need to talk!

Swazzle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-anything-can?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:84aa3382-31e0-41ba-b7a9-915c9effb1c7Post:ec7f3e5b-72ec-4baa-a83c-929366e0ecec">Re: Is there anything I can do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your messages aren't at all helpful to her.  Sorry, but they're not. People with chemical dependency issues feel so much shame and guilt on their own.  It probably doesn't seem like it, but they do.  A really common cognitive distortion they have is when they're accused (and I know you were trying to accuse, but I assure you that your most recent message will very likely come across that way to her) of something, if they're NOT doing it, they'll think "Well, I'm not drinking/drugging/whatever but everyone still thinks I am, so I might as well." I'm not saying to coddle and enable her, but it's probably best to leave it at "I'm always here for you if you need someone to talk to/a sober person to hang out with/etc."  Touch base with her from time to time and see how she's doing, without bringing up her addiction. Or better yet, ask her how she'd like you to approach her if you're concerned. 
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I appreciate your response, I really do.  But I feel like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.  If I sit back and say nothing to her I feel guilty, like I did when I found out she was using heroin to begin with.  If I say something then I get told that's wrong.  It's such a lose/lose situation.  When she went to rehab she told the entire family nobody cared about her even though we all repeatedly said "D, we love you & we're here."  So I feel like this time around it's just not enough.  And maybe hearing from me to make good decisions & steer clear of the triggers I'm just hoping she actually will stop & think for a second. 

</div>

elannis

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-anything-can?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:84aa3382-31e0-41ba-b7a9-915c9effb1c7Post:8ad4a77a-7ac1-44fe-823b-131786c3e32e">Re: Is there anything I can do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I really want to give your friend a big hug. 
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

I think that's why she wants a dog so badly. She doesn't like to be touched, but will cuddle up with a dog. I think it would do wonders for her if they'd let her have one.

Swazzle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-anything-can?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:84aa3382-31e0-41ba-b7a9-915c9effb1c7Post:9f3f2051-6ee6-4b46-a812-11cda50a391c">Re: Is there anything I can do?</a>:
[QUOTE]J&K, were you referring to all of rdr's messages or just the most recent one? I think the first few were great, but I agree that the last could come off as accusatory. TBH, it did to me somewhat, so to a drug addict it most likely did. Rdr, keep hanging in there. PM me anytime you need to talk! <3
Posted by jaycee7389[/QUOTE]

<div>Maybe I handled it the wrong way.  But when I found out she was using heroin it was seriously like somebody punched me in the gut.  I thought she was drinking & smoking weed.  I would see pictures of her where she looked high/drunk but didn't think much of it & I didn't question her because I had no idea it was so bad.  If I could I would absolutely go back & say something to her instead of just 'I'm here for you'.  </div><div>
</div><div>It wasn't until I 'accused' her that she finally admitted she picked up a couple days after leaving rehab.... </div><div>
</div><div>Such a shiitty situation all around, I just really feel helpless.</div>

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-anything-can?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:84aa3382-31e0-41ba-b7a9-915c9effb1c7Post:9f3f2051-6ee6-4b46-a812-11cda50a391c">Re: Is there anything I can do?</a>:
[QUOTE]J&K, were you referring to all of rdr's messages or just the most recent one? I think the first few were great, but I agree that the last could come off as accusatory. TBH, it did to me somewhat, so to a drug addict it most likely did. Rdr, keep hanging in there. PM me anytime you need to talk! <3
Posted by jaycee7389[/QUOTE]

Mostly the last one.  There were a couple things in the first ones (like asking if she cared about her friends more than her own life) that I know were meant well (well, all of it was, I know this) but could go either way with an addict.

elannis

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-anything-can?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:84aa3382-31e0-41ba-b7a9-915c9effb1c7Post:fbc8acce-af92-49b9-b367-e138aecb8e85">Re: Is there anything I can do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is there anything I can do? : I appreciate your response, I really do.  But I feel like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.  If I sit back and say nothing to her I feel guilty, like I did when I found out she was using heroin to begin with.  If I say something then I get told that's wrong.  It's such a lose/lose situation.  When she went to rehab she told the entire family nobody cared about her even though we all repeatedly said "D, we love you & we're here."  So I feel like this time around it's just not enough.  And maybe hearing from me to make good decisions & steer clear of the triggers I'm just hoping she actually will stop & think for a second. 
Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]

I understand that and that's how I feel with my friend. It is no way your fault that she started doing heroine and is no way your fault if she continues to do it. That's her choice. You should always let her know that you love her and want her to be healthy, but the more that you tell her or ask her if she's lying or try to push her into something that she's not ready for, I think she's going to react the opposite of what you want. Is there any way you can make more time for her and get her away from the bad influence friends for a while and get her involved in something that doesn't involve them?

jaycee7389

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-anything-can?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:84aa3382-31e0-41ba-b7a9-915c9effb1c7Post:12e7edf1-d827-4e8f-a4fd-662bc82dbb60">Re: Is there anything I can do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is there anything I can do? : Maybe I handled it the wrong way.  But when I found out she was using heroin it was seriously like somebody punched me in the gut.  I thought she was drinking & smoking weed.  I would see pictures of her where she looked high/drunk but didn't think much of it & I didn't question her because I had no idea it was so bad.  If I could I would absolutely go back & say something to her instead of just 'I'm here for you'.   It wasn't until I 'accused' her that she finally admitted she picked up a couple days after leaving rehab.... <strong> Such a shiitty situation all around</strong>, I just really feel helpless.
Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]

Exactly. There really is no black and white right or wrong way, but by doing SOMETHING I think you're doing the "right" thing. She at least knows you care about her, because it would come off far worse if you ignored her. Drug addicts are tough, they convince themselves that others are the enemy when it's really themselves. Honestly, until they realize that it is usually hard for anything positive to happen. The shitty thing, though, is the people they love are usually the ones they blame hardest.

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-anything-can?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:84aa3382-31e0-41ba-b7a9-915c9effb1c7Post:fbc8acce-af92-49b9-b367-e138aecb8e85">Re: Is there anything I can do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is there anything I can do? : I appreciate your response, I really do.  <strong>But I feel like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.</strong>  If I sit back and say nothing to her I feel guilty, like I did when I found out she was using heroin to begin with.  If I say something then I get told that's wrong.  It's such a lose/lose situation.  When she went to rehab she told the entire family nobody cared about her even though we all repeatedly said "D, we love you & we're here."  So I feel like this time around it's just not enough.  And maybe hearing from me to make good decisions & steer clear of the triggers I'm just hoping she actually will stop & think for a second. 
Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]

You are.  You really are.  Either damned by your own feelings, or damned by her feelings.    It's time to be damned by your own feelings.  It sucks, it's hard on you, I know this.  But this isn't about you (not that I think you're trying to make it about you, I don't), it's about her, and her life, and her choices.  And while it hurts you, she's not thinking about that.  That doesn't mean she doesn't care.  She's likely fairly aware that she's hurting people that love her.  But she's got so much going on in her own head.

This has nothing to do with you. I mean that in the kindest way possible.  This is her crap.  It's her illness.  It's her life.  It sucks for you, absolutely.  But nothing you can say to her will change what she's doing.  The ONLY right thing (ETA: to her) to say at this point is "Cousin, I love you.  I care about you.  If you need help, I'm here for you."  Anything else you say is likely to come off as judgmental and not supportive, even if you aren't judging and you're trying to be supportive.  It's the way their minds process information.    You didn't SAY anything wrong, but she might interpret it wrong, and that's pretty much what counts. 

It hurts to hear her say that she felt like no one cared, when you guys thought you made it really clear.  But if you say "I love you, you've got to stop this,"  all she hears is "You've got to stop this."  It doesn't translate right. 

Like I said, I know you  mean nothing but love and support.  But it's possible she's not getting that out of what you're saying.  It doesn't mean you're WRONG, it just means something isn't coming through.  It's terribly difficult, and you'll likely feel crappy no matter what you say or do.  That's the reality of it, and it totally blows.  I feel for you, I truly do.  I know what I'm saying is coming off harshly, and I promise I don't mean to be scolding you.  I'm just trying to help you understand why you say one thing and she hears another.  I don't think I'm doing a very good job.

J&K10910

Holy novel.  Sorry, I ramble a lot.

I also agree completely with Jaycee's and Elannis's last two posts.

Swazzle

Again, thank you so much for all of your input and advice.  

I really thought about what you guys said & instead of asking her "what are you doing" or anything that could come off as me attacking/accusing her I'm just going to contact her every few days and just ask how she's doing & what's new.  I'll just try to engage her in normal conversations & if she is still using maybe at some point it will click in her head that if someone else cares about her so much she should care about herself too.  

I really appreciate all of your words & hugs, as always

elannis

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_there-anything-can?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:84aa3382-31e0-41ba-b7a9-915c9effb1c7Post:7db972d9-4683-4a53-a619-88b9ddfeecc7">Re: Is there anything I can do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is there anything I can do? : You are.  You really are.  Either damned by your own feelings, or damned by her feelings.    It's time to be damned by your own feelings.  It sucks, it's hard on you, I know this.  But this isn't about you (not that I think you're trying to make it about you, I don't), it's about her, and her life, and her choices.  And while it hurts you, she's not thinking about that.  That doesn't mean she doesn't care.  She's likely fairly aware that she's hurting people that love her.  But she's got so much going on in her own head. This has nothing to do with you. I mean that in the kindest way possible.  This is her crap.  It's her illness.  It's her life.  It sucks for you, absolutely.  But nothing you can say to her will change what she's doing.  The ONLY right thing (ETA: to her) to say at this point is "Cousin, I love you.  I care about you.  If you need help, I'm here for you."  Anything else you say is likely to come off as judgmental and not supportive, even if you aren't judging and you're trying to be supportive.  It's the way their minds process information.    You didn't SAY anything wrong, but she might interpret it wrong, and that's pretty much what counts.  It hurts to hear her say that she felt like no one cared, when you guys thought you made it really clear.  But if you say "I love you, you've got to stop this,"  all she hears is "You've got to stop this."  It doesn't translate right.  Like I said, I know you  mean nothing but love and support.  But it's possible she's not getting that out of what you're saying.  It doesn't mean you're WRONG, it just means something isn't coming through.  It's terribly difficult, and you'll likely feel crappy no matter what you say or do.  That's the reality of it, and it totally blows.  I feel for you, I truly do.  I know what I'm saying is coming off harshly, and I promise I don't mean to be scolding you.  I'm just trying to help you understand why you say one thing and she hears another.  I don't think I'm doing a very good job.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

You are awesome with how you word your thoughts.