Potential Army Wife

sandj2015

I am hoping there are some women out there who have experienced Army life who can help. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year now and he hinted the other night he was thinking of proposing. (We also have been living together). He is full time Army and has 9 years left if he chooses to retire then. I will be teaching my fourth year of third grade this fall. My "worry" is possibly giving up my career (teaching jobs aren't easy to come by!) and moving around all the time. Plus leaving my family. I have experiences him being gone for weeks or a month at a time. I haven't gone through a deployment with him yet. Any advice or points of view on what this is like? Thank you!!

motoLyn

I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I think you be better off asking the military brides board.

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides

peekaboo2011

I'm an army brat.

Here's the deal - you need to be completely comfortable with it.  The two of you need to talk about the possibility of him moving every three years (always depends on his MOS), and what you want out of your lives together.  Is he regular Army, National Guard or Reserve?  That can make a difference.  Mom's Guard and the least amount of time we've ever been stationed one place (as a family) is 5 years.

That being said, you need to also know whether or not he actually is going to want to retire in 9 years.  Some take it, some don't.  Depending on his experiences, he could retire and take a contractor job making like 4 times what he was making in the Army without having to worry about moving as much.

The key here is communication.  You need to know what you want out of your career, what he wants out of his, and what both of you want out of your lives together.  Kids should be a huge factor in this too - do you want kids?  When do you want them?  Military life is hard on spouses AND kids.  We got transferred after my freshman year of high school.  It was devastating.  But your kids can benefit too.  It's all about how you approach the situation.

Let me know if you need anything!

SKP82

Check out the Military Brides board.

But, if you're questioning whether you want to go through all that stuff with him, I would tell you that you need to get out.  Military life is hard and deployments are terrible (I went through 2 with my BF).

Good luck!

sandj2015

Thanks ladies. I just noticed there is a military brides board. Oops! He is full tme Army, but is an AGR, so means he works at reserve centers usually. He has been deployed twice in the past for a year at a time each. SKP82, are you still with the military guy? He has been in this location for 5 years. He may not retire after his time is up but he has talked about the contractor thing alot.

As far as kids go, he already has two who live with their mother. He does not see them a lot. (I have met them). I have not really decided if I want kids of my own. It's an option, but for me not something I have a huge desire for right now. (I'm 27).
Thank you for the advice.

DanieKA

Oh crap, I sort of hate when people do this, but since most people already gave you good advice and directed you to military brides board, I have to ask, it looks like from your siggy that you are already engaged, but you say you have only talked about marriage and call him you BF in your post. Which is it?

I really hate to call you out, but I thought I was checking out a possible new blog, but it looks like you are waaayyy into planning a wedding. Isn't your question something you two should have discussed BEFORE you said yes???

Edit: Actually, looks like you got married in 2009, so now I'm really confused. 

peekaboo2011

SKP - I'm seriously disagreeing with you.  Just because it's hard doesn't mean you should get out now.  I've watched mom and dad go through a LOT of shiit because of the military, but if they had given up because it was hard, well, I wouldn't be here.  I don't remember it, but mom was deployed 2 weeks before my first birthday.  It took her a long time to be able to talk about it, but we all made it through.

It's hard, Sarah.  Hard on everyone, but PLEASE don't ever give up just because of that.  Military brides board will help, and like I said, if you ever want to talk, just PM me.  I try to check them pretty regularly.  

sandj2015

Sorry for the confusion, I AM NOT ENGAGED. I have been married once before and used this site in the past so I just used my old login because I only wanted to post one question. I tried to change the wedding info, but can't remember how to do so. So, I am not planning a wedding and we have had discussion about me moving with him. I told him how I feel about moving etc and did not realize he was even thinking about asking until he let it slip a few days ago. Just curious what life is like with a man in the military.
Sorry about the confusion, I really need to make a new profile but just didn't for one post.

lunarsongbird

::tip toes out of the room::

SKP82

Sarah - I am still with him.  He was stationed in Germany for 4 years of our relationship (that is when he went through the deployments).  He got out after 5 years.  One of the reasons is because I didn't want to live that lifestyle.

Peek - I'm not saying that it doesn't have its rewards.  I'm saying that if she is questioning whether or not that's the kind of life she wants, then she should consider not being with him because it IS HARD.  You really have to be committed to that lifestyle.  I didn't want to have children and be moving every few years, so my BF got out.  If he had stayed in, I honestly don't know if we would still be together.

Also, I know way too many of my BF's friends who have been killed while deployed, leaving wives and children behind.  It is a very real possibility that you have to think about.  That's not something I, personally, want to be worried sick about every day for 12/15/18 months at a time.

OP - you have to do what is right for you.  But, if you're concerned about your career, moving continuously, etc, then this may not be the life for you.

DanieKA

Here's my genuine advice: Teaching jobs ARE hard to come by. I have several friends who are teachers who are so thankful for their jobs, even if i's not the grade/level they want because they know these jobs are impossible to get now. And we have several friends with teaching degrees who are subbing or doing something else like retail or waitressing b/c they just can't get into a school. It's frustrating! Giving up your career is a serious choice, and definitely worth the in depth thought. Maybe though, you can tutor children on the base (will you be living on a base when you move? I have no idea about stuff like this?) Point being, look into tutoring which can be a job that travels well, that you can do anywhere. Either with a center, or on your own if you want. 

Personally, I hate moving. I love traveling, but I hate picking up and moving. I have a hard time forming deep connections and am just not built to make good friends for 2 to 3 years, then picking up and going. Most of my very best friends I've known for decades. My best friend and I have known each other for 18 years!!! I'm only 29! So that is another thing to think about. Some people do it well, though. 

Here's my snarky comment, If you got married in 2009 and divorced not so far after that for you and your BF to be together for a year, don't you think that maybe you should slow down a little. I mean, it's definitely your life and you are an adult, but after one failed marriage that lasted a nano second, to be this involved in wedding discussions before you even reach the year mark with this new man is swift movement. Again married and divorced between 2009-2011 and with this guy for almost a year=fast! 

When you know, you know I guess. But I assume you thought you knew with the first one. Just make sure the relationship is solid before you go quitting a hard to find job and moving all over the country. Who knows where you'll be in 2013. 

sandj2015

I do have a lot to think about and thank you for all of the feedback. Nothing has been asked yet, I just knowing he is headed in that direction!

As for my failed marriage...I dated a guy for over 3 years we were married and 2 months later I found out he was sleeping with a woman 10 years older than me from his place of employment. 4 months into our marriage I left him because I would not tolerate a cheater. So before we go judging my failed marriage...yes it failed because I do not believe in standing by someone who made me feel insecure and who commited adultery. I married someone I truly loved, but did not get the same in return. I filed for divorce in October 2009 and started dating my BF now in November of 2010, so I did not rush into a relationship. Honestly I was too depressed (weighed 95 lbs for a while bc of this ordeal) to move on right away.

lunarsongbird

I don't think anyone is judging you because of your past marriage, Sarah. A lot of ladies around here are starting over again from previous marriages. It was just odd seeing your beautiful bio from your last wedding, that's all.

It does appear that you do have a lot to think about- and this group is a great sounding board. Everyone gives awesome and really heart felt advice. Hope all turns out well!

sandj2015

Thank you!!