Intro, kinda long

skidevil89

Hello,

I'm a lurker who has come out of hiding. I originally discovered TK when I was checking out my friends' wedding websites and I really like that there's a board for women who aren't engaged but are moving in that direction.

About me: I'm a 21 year old law student. SO and I have been together for 1 year & 8 months. We met at our church when I was 15 and he was 18. I had a huge crush on him, but he never asked me out so I moved on and dated other guys. Fast forward 4 years we had been fb chatting and texting a bit and one night he invited me to a party and we've been together ever since.

Right now we're discussing moving in together in September when his lease ends on his place. I know September is still a long way off, but I like to plan. My mom has had a series of unsuccesful relationships so I feel like I overthink everything because I'm worried that I'll end up like her.

Anyway, I'm conflicted about moviing in together because ideally I'd like to be engaged before we live together. However, I want him to propose in his own time and I don't want either of us to view Spetember as a deadline for a proposal. On the other hand I'm worried about the stigma of living together before being engaged and that we might get comfortable and put off getting married.

Any thoughts or advice from anyone who has similar experiences would be much appreciated. Thanks!

heyimbren

Lots of people live together before getting engaged/married. I think the people who get comfortable with that and put off getting married, are ones who are okay with postponing things. And that's okay- it's a very personal decision. You may move in and realize you don't want to get married as soon as you originally thought.

I wouldn't let the "stigma" of it affect you; people are going to agree and disagree with you on lots of decisions. But it's your life and your decision to make between the two of you.

But if you personally don't want to live together before engagement, then don't ignore your own preferences for someone else. But you can't expect him to propose before september just so you can move in together then either.

AudgiePodge

I've never worried about the "stigma" of living with SOs. I've lived with previous BFs and I'm glad I did. It helped me in deciding if I would like to marry them. I've lived with FI since day one. We didn't put off getting engaged, because we were living together. We're getting married in about 3 weeks. If you don't want to move in with him before you're engaged, then don't if it's that important to you. Don't feel like you have to if he asks, but you should also tell him why.

zipis1

These days there's as much stigma attatched to not living together before marriage as there is for living together. Do what makes you happy and works for you. I lived with my FI for four years and only once did someone say something rude about it, and that was my drunk neighbor whose opinion I don't take much stock in anyhow, especially seeing as how that was the first time we'd ever spoken.

And the only reason marriage was put off for us for so long is because we started dating/living together when I was 19 (him 23), we were both still in college, and very very broke. Now that we have a hint of stability, he proposed faster than a mothatruckah ;P

So in conclusion, worry about what makes you happy and works for your relationship, and ignore what others may say. They're not the ones living your lives, and most people are judgemental jerks anyway.

skidevil89

Thank you for the responses and advice. I'm really excited about moving in together and I didn't really think about the stigma until I told my family about our plans. They are supportive of whatever we decide, but when I told my step-mom she asked if we were getting engaged and setting a date or if we were just going to be "shackin up." This surprised me coming from her because she's usually more liberal about things. And then when my mom told my grandmother she asked if we could at least get engaged first.

We both know we want to live together before we get married because we both feel that that's how you truly get to know someone and make sure that you are right for each other. Luckily I'm able to talk to him about these things without him freaking out or feeling pressured. We both agree that we're going to get married, we just want to make sure that we're both ready and it's the right time for us. He's also asked me about ring preferences and hinted at certain things so I may be worrying about something that will resolve itself

NurseyK

Wait until the time comes and do what feels right. Your heart and opinion about living together by then may have changed.

Sparrow87

I don't think that there's a lot of stigma living together before getting married now, I think it's vital to see if you actually still work well together after living together for a little while.  Nor do I think there's anything wrong with getting comfortable and putting off marriage.  If you're happy where you're at why be in a rush to change it? 

tuarceatha

I was in the exact same situation in the months before I decided to move in with my BF. I have never lived with a man before (I'm 27.), and when I was considering it I was sure my dad would stop speaking to me if I did it. I come from a family that does not approve of sleepovers or rooming together. And so I have to field a lot of rude questions and comments now that I do (e.g., "Of course you are happy and so is he, he has everything that he wants, why would he ask for anything else?).

Other than the people I love judging me slightly for my choice... I am SUPER happy living with my BF. He is a great roommate, and he smells nice. Sometimes I wish I had waited for the wedding night to move in together and share a home, but that wish is not really founded in anything, for me. Its great to know how we function in such a small space. 

My OTHER big fear was sharing a bathroom with him, for a half a million reasons. So far none of those fears have surfaced. e.g. Its one bathroom-What if we BOTH get food poisoning????

shipsinthenight

This is totally between you and your BF, but as someone in a similar situation...

My BF has already had one broken engagement and is "in no hurry" to get engaged again. That being said, we just moved in together this past weekend. My mother is worried this will slow down an engagement or that it may never come. Honestly, since we moved in, BF is even more affectionate and vocal about his love for me, so I have no complaints. I would have liked to have gotten engaged first too, but I understand that after his previous experience, he wants to make sure we are secure as a couple first. But we frequently talk about future stuff like owning a home and small people (well, we talk AROUND that one, but I know he wants kids eventually). Everything he has done shows me he is commited to this relationship, and I know I'm in the right place for me right now. I hope whatever choice you make makes you and your BF happy.

CASK85

We moved in together after dating for less than a year. He proposed 1 year and 3 months later. The timing was right for us in both situations, and you two have to do what is right for you also.

elizajane519

I think as long as you have discussed this with your SO what your expectations are for the future you are on good footing.  There are a lot of women who thought moving in with a guy would prompt them to propose and then they waited...and waited..and basically destroyed the relationship or browbeat their SO into a proposal five years down the road because they hadn't discussed it with their SO what their expectations were at the beginning. I can't imagine being in a relationship where I had to use threats and intimidation to get the other person to commit. 
 You should also discuss finances and housework before moving in together so you know what to expect. Basically communication is the key.