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Am I Crazy?

McNeilJonesMcNeilJones
First Comment
in Not Engaged Yet
Or is this normal?  (Nothing you say will hurt my feelings; I just feel like I need to know!)

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little more than four years.  We've been in a long distance relationship for almost half the time because I'm in graduate school in another state.  We tend to refer to our futures together, but we have avoided marriage discussions until fairly recently.  I have never been completely sold on getting married, but the more I think about it the more excited I am that we're contemplating moving our relationship to that level very soon. 

Is it normal for me to have done such a 180?  And is it normal for me to already begin planning concepts, colors, themes, etc., without a ring?  (I might also mention that until recently, I have been adhemently opposed to marriage.  I used to tell people I would never be married or have children--and I'm sticking to the no children so far & as far as I can see.)
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Re: Am I Crazy?

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I think it depends on why you were against marriage? Would you mind explaining it? I've known girls, as well as seen some girls on here, who claimed they would never get married and now they are engaged or married. So I think its probably normal.

    Also, I don't think its crazy to think about things you would like for your wedding in a kind of daydreaming type way. But don't plan until you are engaged. And there are so many important things to discuss with your SO about marriage and you should try to focus on those conversations before wedding talks. Remember a wedding is a day a marriage is a lifetime :)

    Oh and welcome to the boards!


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  • tafft1tafft1 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    People change as we grow and get older , I dated someone who was anti kids and marriage , now 7 years later he wants kids and to get married and can't wait to be a father/husband. I do believe however it is important to find out why this change ? Be honest with yourself . Is it because the relationship has lasted so long and the next "progressive" step in said time frame is to move on ? Or are you really ready ? Or could it be a little in between ? There is no right or wrong answer and it is meant to be rhetorical but it is someting you should be able to answer before moving on to anything else.

    As far as planning and looking before a ring - Planning as in booking , buying a dress , planning the program , etc , that stuff is BSC. Having ideas what you may like , a general style (retro , vintage.mondern etc , ), colors you like , and what not is fine to have but hopefully your signifigant other will want to contribute to when the time comes :)

    I do agree marriage talks should be many so you can both be on the same page. Being long distance and live in are two very different things and take adjustment so be prepared for that, Try to keep a level head and things should be ok. Welcome and hope you find what you need.
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  • Ana_2985Ana_2985 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Without any further information, I would say yes, you are acting crazy.  I don't know if you're crazy, but you're acting crazy.

    It doesn't sound like you did a 180.  Picking out color schemes has nothing to do with marriage.  That's just a wedding.  I think you should think about why you were/are so opposed to marriage and figure out if anything has changed.  Do you feel differently about marriage now?  Or are you just excited about planning a wedding and having a party?

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  • nefariousmangonefariousmango
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I don't think you're crazy at all!  I was against getting married until a few months before we got engaged (at our 4 year anniversary) so I don't think it's strange.  Sometimes when you get to the right place with the right person, things come together in ways you couldn't fathom and previously foreign concepts like marriage suddenly seem clear and logical.  For me, I knew too many people who got married too lightly and too young (IMO) and then were constantly unhappy/unstable in their partnerships.  I didn't like that people took their relationships more seriously than ours even though we had been together sometimes 3 or 4 times longer and had joint finances/ housing before they even met!
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  • katanne9katanne9 member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Planning colors and concepts has nothing to do with marriage. I would quit thinking about those things and really decide what you think about marriage. If you truly didn't believe in the concept of marriage before/or it's something you didn't want, that is something you need to figure out for yourself before you get wrapped up in wedding thoughts.

    People can change, and maybe you and your opinions towards marriage have. But make sure you decide how you feel about MARRIAGE before picking out silly, trivial things that really don't have anything to do with a lifelong commitment.
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  • Button5807Button5807
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Maybe a little crazy.

    Actually pulling a 180 and deciding that marriage is for you is normal. I did it. Until I met BF I had no actual interest in being married because I was scared it would turn out like my parents did. So I dated emotionally distant guys and went to school for a very unfamily friendly career. Then BF and I started dating and  I suddenly wasn't so scared anymore, it happens.

    As PPs have pointed out though colors and whatnot has nothing to do with marriage. So it kind of sounds like you went from zero to pretty princess BSC bee bee in sixty seconds. I'd suggest taking a step back and a few deep breaths.
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    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
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  • oceana919oceana919
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-crazy-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:8628526c-6775-454f-9e6e-d3bad4d9d8b5Post:db2d3850-b37e-4a79-b3d5-47855f58d968">Re: Am I Crazy?</a>:
    [QUOTE]As PPs have pointed out though colors and whatnot has nothing to do with marriage. <strong>So it kind of sounds like you went from zero to pretty princess BSC bee bee in sixty seconds.</strong> I'd suggest taking a step back and a few deep breaths.
    Posted by Button5807[/QUOTE]

    This.

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  • dwest2201dwest2201
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-crazy-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8628526c-6775-454f-9e6e-d3bad4d9d8b5Post:db2d3850-b37e-4a79-b3d5-47855f58d968">Re: Am I Crazy?</a>:
    [QUOTE] So it kind of sounds like you went from zero to pretty princess BSC bee bee in sixty seconds. I'd suggest taking a step back and a few deep breaths.
    Posted by Button5807[/QUOTE]


    Zero to pretty princess BSC bee bee in 60 seconds button... pretty please?!
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  • PaigeMcCPaigeMcC member
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-crazy-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8628526c-6775-454f-9e6e-d3bad4d9d8b5Post:f36ad348-f3f7-4c58-b191-910ea2406c69">Re: Am I Crazy?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I Crazy? : Zero to pretty princess BSC bee bee in 60 seconds button... pretty please?!
    Posted by dwest2201[/QUOTE]

    <div>agreed</div>

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  • Button5807Button5807
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    one moment please.
    image image image image 
    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
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  • bajedivabajediva member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I don't think there's any reason to think you're not normal. But what *would* be crazy is if you continue getting wrapped up in the frills of the wedding *day* and not focus more on working through your & your partner's beliefs and expectations about marriage. Being open to the idea of marriage is one thing. Being ready to do it is another. I say pace yourself and you'll be fine.
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  • Button5807Button5807
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011

    image image image image 
    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
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  • dwest2201dwest2201
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Button for President!! :)
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  • Button5807Button5807
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    no no no I've already voted mutley for president... or dictator.
    image image image image 
    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
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  • dwest2201dwest2201
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Damn, maybe you can be her VP then!
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  • McNeilJonesMcNeilJones
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you all for your input.

    Two recurring themes where that I was excited about planning a wedding instead of marriage and why the sudden change of heart...

    Well, I've seen so many marriages fall apart (inlcuding my own parents') and I take marriage very seriously.  I never thought I could spend the rest of my life with one single person (probably a bit of selfishness, I'm sure).  However, the relationship I share with my boyfriend is completely unlike any other relationship in which I've been.  And we both feel as though there really isn't anything else we'd rather be but together.  Hence, the sudden change of heart on getting married (which has led me to actually think about wedding ideas).

    PS - Since I am new, could I get a break down of some of these acronyms?  (Like BSC and others..)
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  • paintgirlpaintgirl member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    McNeil - I totally understand where you are coming from. Most of my family is unhappily married or divorced. I, like you, figured I would skip the drama and never marry. Then I met bf. It's been all downhill from there! :)

    I agree with the others about getting too far ahead on colors, style, etc. You might be surprised by how much input your bf/then fi has on these things! I figured mine would say, "Tell me when to show up!" but he definitely has thoughts about how he wants our wedding to be. So sure, it's ok to like certain colors, flowers, cake, whatever, but be flexible and know your preferences might change or your bf could change the whole picture! Good luck.
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  • Goldlie11Goldlie11
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm really late on this.  I don't think that you're crazy.  I do think that you are wasting your time though. Since I've been engaged, I changed my colors.  I changed my colors was because my FI thought they were too girly.  When you get engaged, your FI is going to have to be involved.  I'm not saying that he's going to care about each and every thing, but you will need to run things by him.  
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