How long have you been with your BF/FI?

MeganAngela

How long have you been with your BF so far or how long were you with your FI before getting engaged?

I should preface this by saying I'm not trying to get anything started.  I know you wonderful ladies have been having issues with the trollies lately.  However, I have noticed that on these boards as a whole (not just the NEY board), that couples that have been together short periods of time seem to get judged more harshly than couples that have been together for years and years.  I guess that makes me a little sad since most everyone here is preparing for one of the happiest days of their lives.

I will be honest.  By most standards my FI and I haven't been together long enough to know we want to be married (at least, by the standards of others, not our family and friends, though).  However, prior to being in our relationship, we had both had other long-term relationships that really helped shape what we want in a spouse or partner.  When we first started dating, we never thought we'd be at this point in 7 months.  But, early on in the relationship we both went through some deeply painful experiences, his being a close family member's death and mine being something that, at this time, I am just not comfortable sharing on an open forum.  Through these hardships we came to find that we truly loved one another and that we didn't want to live our lives without the other person in them.  These things, among many others including our shared values, morals and visions for our lives, are what led us to our engagement now.  For his family, this isn't unrealistic.  His parents got engaged after 6 months of dating and have been married for over 26 years.  In my family, my parents are no longer together, however my mother told me that my FI was the right one long before I even thought he could be (yay for intuitive moms!).  Anyway, even though we haven't been together for years, we take our commitment very seriously and are excited for our upcoming wedding.

So, that is my story.  People may not agree, but I thought I'd share and see if others wanted to share their stories with me.  I'd like to know what brought everyone to where they are today, if you are willing to share with me, of course.  Did anyone else go through anything traumatic or difficult while with their BF or FI that has brought you closer together or redefined your relationship whether early on or not?

Again, I just want it to be clear that I'm not here to start anything with you lovely ladies.  You've were all so kind to me in my last post (and if I can figure out how to post pictures, I'll get pictures of the engagement kitty up ASAP!), but I did want to share my story so that 1) you could get to know me a little and 2) to, I guess, try and put a picture out there that some of us "short-term" relationship gals have other reasons for getting engaged other than immaturity or recklessness.  We aren't all completely crazy!  I promise!

Can't wait to hear relationship stories from those of you willing to share!

CASK85

BF and I have been together for 2ish years. . . we were "seeing each other" for the first 2 months Oct&Nov 2008, but we weren't "official" until December 2008 (hence the 2ish years). The day we celebrate our anniversary is 12/1.

Obviously we're not engaged, and I'm not sure when we will be. He's told me it'll be within 6 months of now, but unlike many of the other ladies on here who are NEY, I know he doesn't have the ring yet. I'm kinda hoping for Christmas, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. 

As for time to engagement, I will certainly raise an eyebrow at people who date less than a year. . . but that doesn't mean there can't be exceptions. Age and maturity has a lot to do with whether or not 6 months (or whatever length of time) is long enough. I find that a lot of people I know from college (back when I was a hardcore evangelical Christian (now I'm agnostic)) got engaged after 5 months to a year of dating their SO. I think this has something to do with them not having sex before marriage, but if you are "doing it" before you get married, I rarely see a reason to rush and get engaged after super short periods of time (not that sex is a reason to rush). 

GreenPepperBurger

4 years. Still dating, with no plans to get engaged for another two or so years.

loves2shop4shoes

Ok.  Well, to answer your question, FI and I were together for just under 3 years when he proposed.  We had been seriously discussing marriage for about a year before he proposed.  We met, became friends, started dating, got serious, got super serious, and then got engaged.  We had both had serious, long-term relationships, short term relationships, and flings before we got together.

There was no one thing that let me know he was "the one", but there were a lot of small things, that put together, made me realize.

A question for you now:  how old are you?

Personally, I think NO ONE, no matter their age, should get engaged if they've been dating their SO for less than a year.  I just think that even if you have a strong sense that they're the right one, you shouldn't rush into such a big decision.  A year, I think, is the very minimum of time that you would be equipped to make such a decision.

heartu618

My bf and I have been together almost a year (Nov 29th will be a year). We met while volunteering with our church to take Thanksgiving baskets to families in DC.  We'd been going to the same church in a town in VA for months and didn't know each other.  Which is weird because our church isn't that big and we are amongst the very few ppl of color there....Anywho, a few weeks after we met, he asked me out and we've basically been together since.
We are enjoying our relationship in its current phase (bf/gf) but also preparing for our future. My family absolutely adores him, members of the church have nothing but good things to say about him, I've developed a close bond with his mother despite the fact that she lives miles away.  His mother is actually already calling me her daughter in law...which I think is cute, but I also don't let it take me into fantasy land. As far as timing, for some people 1 year seems short, for some it seems long....For me it's just right :-)

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-bffi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:862b5411-9ed5-469e-8f7a-f6635a7a5c86Post:439d2571-56c3-43af-9ebb-c29396939f16">How long have you been with your BF/FI?</a>:
[QUOTE] <strong>However, I have noticed that on these boards as a whole (not just the NEY board), that couples that have been together short periods of time seem to get judged more harshly than couples that have been together for years and years.</strong>  I guess that makes me a little sad since most everyone here is preparing for one of the happiest days of their lives. I will be honest. 
Posted by MeganAngela[/QUOTE]

That's not 100% true, but it's still a pretty fair assessment.  Age and maturity have a lot to do with it too, though.  In general, if you're a little older (above 25-ish), have a good career, etc., you're less likely to be judged on the length of time you've been together.  You didn't say how old you and your guy are.

BF and I are 25 and we've been together for 4 years.  We're not engaged yet, but we will be soon, and I still sometimes feel like I can't believe we're at this point already.

[Deleted User]

Hi, Megan! I think the main reason why most people in 'short-term' relationships who come here and are SO EXCITED about getting married get the response that they do is because they don't take the time to explain their relationship the way you just did. They come and say 'OMG, SO HAPPY!! I'm not engaged but he said that some day we'll be married and have a HUGE family and he pointed out a sparkly diamond" or some other crazy variation. That's a huge red-flag to all of us. You, on the other hand, seem much more mature and logical, so chances are you wont get the same kind of response.

To answer your question... BF & I have been together 11 months today. I may or may not be engaged in 2 weeks. BF can't keep a secret and instead of ignoring me when I joked around and said he could propose while we are in Baltimore, he spilled the whole plan. So, now I dont know if he's sticking with his original plan or if he's gone to Plan B.

Either way, we've known each other since we were VERY young. I was ~ 7 and he was ~ 14. My 'brother' married his 'sister' (I use 'quotes' because we are not related to them by blood but we each grew up with them). So, we've known each other going on 22 years, now. We both grew up, I went to school, we've had our fair share of "EPIC FAILS" in relationships and last summer we started talking again. He asked me to dinner and the rest is history. Our families have known each other for years so it's expected that we will be married and we're both very happy with the direction our relationship is going...

That's my story in a nutshell...

Welcome aboard!

PandaBurr

I'm in the boat that thinks that you can't really know how the relationship will work if you're dating less than a year. I think that you could still be in the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship. However, I think age is a huge factor too. I give a huge side-eye to 18 year olds who have only been dating 6 months. 35+, I would still give a side-eye, but at that age I'm more inclined to believe that they know what they are doing. I'm not saying that all 35 year olds are more mature than an 18 year old, but odds are they are more mature.

FI and I have been together for three years, and he proposed this year.

PandaBurr

Also, yes, there are always exceptions, but not everyone can be an exception, otherwise it wouldn't be one! I think if people who got flamed would just lurk first and read other posts, they'd realize that their situation really isn't that unique.

nottheonlydreamer44

Okay MA, (I'm shortening your SN because I'm lazy) I will play along with this. First because you seem genuine and I'm trying to be nice. I can understand not wanting to go through your personal experiences with your FI here. That's okay. I do have to ask (I may have skipped over it) but how did your mom know FI was the one for you before you did? I just got confuzzled there.

I should preface this next part with the fact that FI and I went to middle school/high school together, had been acquaintences but with the same group of friends for 10+ years, when we got together. Our families live 3 blocks from one another, too.

Anyway, I am kind of in your same boat. Mike and I have been together 7 months as of 3 days ago and we've been engaged since mid-July. I was married previously; it only lasted 4 months but our relationship was almost 4 years. I definitely did not rush into anything last time. I knew about 8 months before we got married that I didn't want to but there was so much pressure (internal and external).  

When I came on this board - I actually didn't get judged too harshly (we weren't engaged just yet) and even when we did no one really said much. We moved EXTREMELY fast. He moved into my house from his after 3 weeks of dating and then we decided to buy a house together; he was planning to buy a few months down the road and my lease was going to be up soon. We figured lets buy now and take advantage of the tax credit. So we did. We signed on the dotted line (after many discussions with our lawyers) mid-June.

For us, I think it wasn't so much of a big deal because we are in our later 20's; both financially independent and had been in long term relationships before. I'm working on my Masters and FI is a construction foreman. I DO NOT think this is the right thing for everyone, nor do I think that "going through hardships" necessarily makes your relationship stronger. In fact, it can really tear it apart.

For the most part the ladies here know all that has gone on with Mike and I over the months. We had a miscarriage a month into us dating, bought a house, I lost my job a month later, Mike then lost HIS job a month after that, his grandfather passed (first relative to die), I've gone through a deep depression and attempted suicide. Among other things. All in 7 months. Sometimes it seems like we never get a break and we're starting counseling to make sure we're not just letting ourselves get swept up in drama 24/7.

I hope things work out for you and your fiance and that you do keep a level-head about things. I can only tell you that the ladies here really helped me see that the honeymoon phase is a REAL THING. However, I can say with about 100% certainty our HM phase is long over.

Eck. That went really long but I hope that gives you an idea that you're not alone and that only YOU know your relationship. As long as you're not 18, living at home, or any number of other red flags then whatever.

Welcome to the board!! :-) (Not sure if I've seen you on here before)

MeganAngela

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-bffi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:862b5411-9ed5-469e-8f7a-f6635a7a5c86Post:7fefcb49-d42b-4e82-a91f-53eea7741ece">Re: How long have you been with your BF/FI?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok.  Well, to answer your question, FI and I were together for just under 3 years when he proposed.  We had been seriously discussing marriage for about a year before he proposed.  We met, became friends, started dating, got serious, got super serious, and then got engaged.  We had both had serious, long-term relationships, short term relationships, and flings before we got together. There was no one thing that let me know he was "the one", but there were a lot of small things, that put together, made me realize. A question for you now:  how old are you? Personally, I think NO ONE, no matter their age, should get engaged if they've been dating their SO for less than a year.  I just think that even if you have a strong sense that they're the right one, you shouldn't rush into such a big decision.  A year, I think, is the very minimum of time that you would be equipped to make such a decision.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>To answer your question, I'm 24 and he is 25.  And although you didn't ask this, I know someone is bound to ask so I'll go ahead and clarify a few other things, as well.  We are both finished with school completely, we both live on our own, our only debts are school loans which we are paying off.  He has a steady adult job.  Mine is not, but it is more the nature of what I'm trying to do which regardless of whether I was in a relationship or not would not change.  We are planning on having a long engagement, hence the 2012 date.  We've given this a lot of thought and wasn't something we came to easily or quickly.  Of course, if you are the type of person that thinks we shouldn't be thinking about it yet let alone actually getting engaged then I guess it does come across too easily or too quickly.  But, for us we feel very confident in our relationship and our decision, and so does our families and friends.</div><div>
</div><div>Does that answer your question and then some? :)</div><div>
</div>

forthepocket

I agree with the other ladies that age has a lot to do with it. Plus if you have been through a lot of emotional things together, regardless of if its with a lover or platonic friend (this includes life threatening situations and/or major familial deaths or extreme sickness), your bonds tend to be stronger in my opinion. I think this because I've experienced this myself.

To answer your other question me and my bf have been together for a little over 4 years and will be engaged sometime next year for sure. Every relationship is different. For me I'm glad we waited this long because our relationship now is unrecognizable from 3 years ago because we've changed so much. Growing up and everything. I'm 22 and Abran my boyfriend is 26.

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-bffi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:862b5411-9ed5-469e-8f7a-f6635a7a5c86Post:8224145e-3fe2-4a7d-8708-ce750399949b">Re: How long have you been with your BF/FI?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How long have you been with your BF/FI? : To answer your question, I'm 24 and he is 25.  And although you didn't ask this, I know someone is bound to ask so I'll go ahead and clarify a few other things, as well.  We are both finished with school completely, we both live on our own, our only debts are school loans which we are paying off.  He has a steady adult job.  Mine is not, but it is more the nature of what I'm trying to do which regardless of whether I was in a relationship or not would not change.  We are planning on having a long engagement, hence the 2012 date.  We've given this a lot of thought and wasn't something we came to easily or quickly.  Of course, if you are the type of person that thinks we shouldn't be thinking about it yet let alone actually getting engaged then I guess it does come across too easily or too quickly.  But, for us we feel very confident in our relationship and our decision, and so does our families and friends. Does that answer your question and then some? :)
Posted by MeganAngela[/QUOTE]

You don't seem to be in a rush to get married, which I applaud, but that begs the question:  why the hurry to get engaged?  I don't think there's anything wrong with a long engagement -- I will probably have one myself -- but it strikes me as a little odd in your case.  I'm just curious.

MeganAngela

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-bffi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:862b5411-9ed5-469e-8f7a-f6635a7a5c86Post:bee92f7c-e135-48d1-aebb-da1160e19bc4">Re: How long have you been with your BF/FI?</a>:
[QUOTE]]I do have to ask (I may have skipped over it) but how did your mom know FI was the one for you before you did? I just got confuzzled there.
Posted by nottheonlydreamer44[/QUOTE]

<div>Haha!  It's okay!  My mom is one of those people who can read a person in just about a split second.  I don't know if you know someone like that, but she has never been wrong about anyone.  It is kind of creepy!</div><div>
</div><div>Anyway, she knew before me because I wasn't trying to rush things.  I wanted to make sure that I did things the right way and looked at things with a level head.  My previous long-term relationship of almost three years was a big mess and I ran in without really paying attention to what was in front of me.  I got burned and so I made the choice to NOT be as stupid the next time around.  So, while I really liked my FI at this time, I wasn't trying to force anything.  My mom, on the other hand, knows me well and has always, always known what is best for me even when I couldn't see it.  One day my FI and I were spending time with her and when he left the room for a moment she told me that she just knew.  I had thought it a little too prior to that, but, like I said, I didn't want to rush anything and didn't want to give him that title if he didn't deserve it.</div><div>
</div><div>In the end, she was right. She always is.  My mom is pretty good that way! :)</div>

AudgiePodge

My manthing (anyone remember that?) and I will be together a year on the 23rd.

nottheonlydreamer44

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-bffi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:862b5411-9ed5-469e-8f7a-f6635a7a5c86Post:7fefcb49-d42b-4e82-a91f-53eea7741ece">Re: How long have you been with your BF/FI?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok.  Well, to answer your question, FI and I were together for just under 3 years when he proposed.  We had been seriously discussing marriage for about a year before he proposed.  We met, became friends, started dating, got serious, got super serious, and then got engaged.  We had both had serious, long-term relationships, short term relationships, and flings before we got together. There was no one thing that let me know he was "the one", but there were a lot of small things, that put together, made me realize. A question for you now:  how old are you? <strong>Personally, I think NO ONE, no matter their age, should get engaged if they've been dating their SO for less than a year.  I just think that even if you have a strong sense that they're the right one, you shouldn't rush into such a big decision.  A year, I think, is the very minimum of time that you would be equipped to make such a decision.
</strong>Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]


Aw,c'mon, Shoes!! NO ONE?!?! Now I know what you really think about me. :-)

@MA - I know what you mean about your mom, mine is that same way and often times they are right. I think it's true if you come from a single mother lifestyle and you're very close with your Mom. At least that's how it is/was for me.

@AP - Lolz at "manthing"

loves2shop4shoes

Dreamer, I had no idea you and Mike have been together for such a short time!

OP, I will say that I am so strong in my beliefs that people NOT rush into things because my parents did.  They met, started dating, and were engaged within ONE MONTH.  They were engaged less than 6 months before they were married.  And they had the most hideous divorce I've ever heard of.

Since my goal in life is to not end up like my parents, I'm very firmly rooted in the belief that people should not rush.

Honestly, getting married at ALL is very difficult for me.  I know it's ultimately what I want, but I'm SO afraid that everything will seem great now and it will all crumble after 10 or 20 years.  It's all because of my parents.  I know that all you can do in life is work with the information at hand...and I know that unless FI becomes the antithesis of who he is now, everything will be fine.  But it's still extremely scary for me...because I'd rather die than put my children through what I was put through.

Hence my strong belief that you should REALLY know (as well as one can possibly know ANYTHING) what you're getting yourself into.

ETA:  Dreamer, I still love you.

SeaTea02

Hey! I am from NC too :-)

We have been together since I was 14. Our anniversary is actually a few months later than my ticker below, I chose the date we started dating for anonymity(blowing my cover?). I am 20 and he is 21. We will probably be engaged sometime before Christmas, but will be having a 2012 wedding. I am definitely a younger one, but I feel that the length of my relationship kind of makes up for it. Others on the boards might not agree with getting married at 22, but it is a risk I am willing to take.

MeganAngela

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-bffi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:862b5411-9ed5-469e-8f7a-f6635a7a5c86Post:b300f8f0-4acf-4485-aaef-b5b83d5a0048">Re: How long have you been with your BF/FI?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How long have you been with your BF/FI? : You don't seem to be in a rush to get married, which I applaud, but that begs the question:  why the hurry to get engaged?  I don't think there's anything wrong with a long engagement -- I will probably have one myself -- but it strikes me as a little odd in your case.  I'm just curious.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

<div>Well, I guess I don't feel like there is a rush to get engaged.  It just felt natural for the both of us.  The reason we're having a long engagement is because we want to do this responsibly.  While our parents have offered to help with paying for our wedding, we know that we need to have money to cover costs just in case.  So, we want to have time to really save instead of rushing out and getting married and going into debt for it.  That was important for us.</div><div>
</div><div>Personally, we wanted to get married at the end of next year, but my mother has asked us to wait a little longer so that she can contribute more.  She's a single parent, so we want to respect her by waiting a bit longer.  We love each other and a few more months isn't going to make a difference to us.  It will mean a lot to my mom.</div>

nottheonlydreamer44

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-bffi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:862b5411-9ed5-469e-8f7a-f6635a7a5c86Post:d508e666-8aa0-4704-a6d2-62983434c0cc">Re: How long have you been with your BF/FI?</a>:
[QUOTE]Dreamer, I had no idea you and Mike have been together for such a short time! OP, I will say that I am so strong in my beliefs that people NOT rush into things because my parents did.  They met, started dating, and were engaged within ONE MONTH.  They were engaged less than 6 months before they were married.  And they had the most hideous divorce I've ever heard of. Since my goal in life is to not end up like my parents, I'm very firmly rooted in the belief that people should not rush. Honestly, getting married at ALL is very difficult for me.  I know it's ultimately what I want, but I'm SO afraid that everything will seem great now and it will all crumble after 10 or 20 years.  It's all because of my parents.  I know that all you can do in life is work with the information at hand...and I know that unless FI becomes the antithesis of who he is now, everything will be fine.  But it's still extremely scary for me...because I'd rather die than put my children through what I was put through. Hence my strong belief that you should REALLY know (as well as one can possibly know ANYTHING) what you're getting yourself into.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

Shoes, I think everyone here forgets about that sometimes. I remember Acro and Paige being like, "you did talk to a lawyer before you bought a house RIGHT?" I always cringe a little when someone here goes "you've been together less than a year, do not get engaged!" I know not everyone is the exception to the rule; I just hope I am. I'm pretty sure I am. Seven months and seven months to go. :-) Don't worry I'm not pissed!

@OP - I completely (almost) agree with Shoes. She has had things go poorly, to put it lightly, with her parents divorce and she is wise! I think you can still very much be in the HM phase up until a year or more in. I'm also of the thinking that you never just "know". I think things fall together and maybe it faster or slower but you control where your relationship goes and the speed of things for the most part.

ETA: I still love you, too, Shoes!

nottheonlydreamer44

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-bffi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:862b5411-9ed5-469e-8f7a-f6635a7a5c86Post:2717cfdf-a27d-48f3-8a24-6a1cbb733088">Re: How long have you been with your BF/FI?</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, yes, there are always exceptions, but not everyone can be an exception, otherwise it wouldn't be one! I think if people who got flamed would just lurk first and read other posts, they'd realize that their situation really isn't that unique.
Posted by PandaBurr[/QUOTE]

Dammit, Panda, why can't<strong><em> I</em></strong> be the exception?! lol

I completely agree with what she says.

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-bffi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:862b5411-9ed5-469e-8f7a-f6635a7a5c86Post:d508e666-8aa0-4704-a6d2-62983434c0cc">Re: How long have you been with your BF/FI?</a>:
[QUOTE]Dreamer, I had no idea you and Mike have been together for such a short time! <strong>OP, I will say that I am so strong in my beliefs that people NOT rush into things because my parents did.  They met, started dating, and were engaged within ONE MONTH.  They were engaged less than 6 months before they were married.  And they had the most hideous divorce I've ever heard of. Since my goal in life is to not end up like my parents, I'm very firmly rooted in the belief that people should not rush. Honestly, getting married at ALL is very difficult for me.  I know it's ultimately what I want, but I'm SO afraid that everything will seem great now and it will all crumble after 10 or 20 years.  It's all because of my parents. </strong> I know that all you can do in life is work with the information at hand...and I know that unless FI becomes the antithesis of who he is now, everything will be fine.  But it's still extremely scary for me...because I'd rather die than put my children through what I was put through. Hence my strong belief that you should REALLY know (as well as one can possibly know ANYTHING) what you're getting yourself into. ETA:  Dreamer, I still love you.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

Shoes, I agree with you on most of this, but felt the need to add.  My parents dated for a long time before they moved in together, and then lived together for several years before they got married.  They still ended up divorced.  Not rushing is not a vaccine for divorce.

I understand how much this has affected you.  I posted a couple months ago about all the divorce in my family and how it has made me wonder if marriage is even worth it.

MeganAngela

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-bffi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:862b5411-9ed5-469e-8f7a-f6635a7a5c86Post:d508e666-8aa0-4704-a6d2-62983434c0cc">Re: How long have you been with your BF/FI?</a>:
[QUOTE]Dreamer, I had no idea you and Mike have been together for such a short time! OP, I will say that I am so strong in my beliefs that people NOT rush into things because my parents did.  They met, started dating, and were engaged within ONE MONTH.  They were engaged less than 6 months before they were married.  And they had the most hideous divorce I've ever heard of. Since my goal in life is to not end up like my parents, I'm very firmly rooted in the belief that people should not rush. Honestly, getting married at ALL is very difficult for me.  I know it's ultimately what I want, but I'm SO afraid that everything will seem great now and it will all crumble after 10 or 20 years.  It's all because of my parents.  I know that all you can do in life is work with the information at hand...and I know that unless FI becomes the antithesis of who he is now, everything will be fine.  But it's still extremely scary for me...because I'd rather die than put my children through what I was put through. Hence my strong belief that you should REALLY know (as well as one can possibly know ANYTHING) what you're getting yourself into. ETA:  Dreamer, I still love you.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh, hon, I'm so sorry to hear about your parents.  Your story is actually a lot like mine.  My parents had a nasty, nasty divorce when I was 6 and that has shaped me in ways I can't even begin to explain.  All I know is that I don't want to be like them.  However, my FI was raised in a home where his parents got engaged after 6 months and have been together over 26 years.  They are still so in love.  They have had their ups and downs and have come close to calling it quits before, but they have managed to make it work and are still so incredibly happy.  They really give me hope in a way that my family never did.  And I'm so glad that my FI was raised in that kind of environment and that his parents taught him about the hard work that marriage really takes.</div><div>
</div><div>Just know that my heart is completely with you.  Whether we agree on how long a couple should be together, know that I am with you when it comes to family and fear.  Just remember that you are your own person and you don't have to be anything like your parents.  You set your own destiny.  Their mistakes are not yours.  For all of those couples that show us how not to be, there are all those other couples that have made it work and still love each other so many years later!  That is what I'm choosing to focus on. :)</div>

loves2shop4shoes

Elle, I'm not saying that dating for a long period of time prior to marriage guarantees a marriage will last forever.  But in the case of my parents, I'm POSITIVE that if they'd actually KNOWN each other, they would have NEVER gotten married.

Elle1036

Shoes - I got your point, and like I said, I think you're right about not rushing.  I just know a lot of couples who say "we'll never divorce; we've already been together three/four/five years", and that's no guarantee of anything.

tiffk10

In response to the original post. BF and I have been together almost 7 years. We started dating in high school and are both 22. We've been talking about marriage for a long time but it was important for both of us to finish with school before we get married. We have a wedding date picked out but I am still waiting on a proposal (which I'm hoping will happen within the next month). 

loopy82

DH and I were together for 3 years and 2 months when we got engaged. We got married on our 4 year anniversary. I am 28 and he is 31. We had our fair share of issues that we had dealt with over the course of our relationship before we got engaged.

deburnin

BF and I will have been dating for 6 years this January. 

We started dating in high school. BF and I have been through a lot together. Very early on in our relationship (we'd only been together a year), his dad died in a motorcycle accident. This past summer I lost my "aunt." We also went through my battle with depression and social anxiety which spanned the first four years of our relationship. We're finally at a happy and healthy point in life (minus my broken toe lol) and loving life.

I do tend to give people who are younger than us and been together a shorter of period the side eye. Sure a part of it is jealousy, but I also don't understand the rush. I already have friend from high school married and divorced with two kids at the age of 23. I also wonder how much you can know about someone in under a years time.

redheadfsu

We will be together 7 years when we get married (in a year). I will be 27 & he will be 30 when we say I do. I don't think long-term relationships prevent divorce, but it helps. So many people are just in lust & jump into marriage. When the honeymoon phase is over, you still have to love & respect your mate. Respect & good communication is key, not how much in "love" you are.

nottheonlydreamer44

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-bffi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:862b5411-9ed5-469e-8f7a-f6635a7a5c86Post:fcbaf727-a127-45a6-b28a-86d0d064f7cb">Re: How long have you been with your BF/FI?</a>:
[QUOTE]We will be together 7 years when we get married (in a year). I will be 27 & he will be 30 when we say I do. I don't think long-term relationships prevent divorce, but it helps. So many people are just in lust & jump into marriage. When the honeymoon phase is over, you still have to love & respect your mate. Respect & good communication is key, not how much in "love" you are.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

Agreed.

zipis1

BF and I have been together 3.5 years, though other people who saw how we acted around each other like to say we've been together at least a year more

As far as those couples who date less than a year, generally I think it's a bad idea to get engaged after such a short time. As someone else said, the honeymoon phase is still present (lasts 18 months on average, if I remember correctly). However, other things come into play, such as age and maturity. <25, I'm probably going to think it's a bad idea. />25, as long as the people present themselves as mature and don't start spouting off about how love will conquer all then I'm likely to not be nearly as concerned.