Help me settle a debate

bethsmiles

So this weekend my friend and I were talking about our friends wedding that is next year. My friend is a bridesmaid in the wedding and is bummed because the bride-to-be is planning on making the WP do a WP dance to Thriller. This wedding is going to be huge (300 + people) and she feels like its just an opportunity for the bride to make them do something embarrassing. IMO if she doesn't want to do it she should just tell the bride that she doesn't want to do it. She says its their day so she has to do what they want. (ugh...i hate the phrase "my day")

What would you guys do? I'm kind of a bitch I guess because there is no way in hell I would be doing that dance in front of 300 people. Nope I do not care if it is their day that doesn't mean I'm going to make a fool of myself.

desertsun

I don't see anything wrong with politely saying, "I'm sorry, I'm just not comfortable doing that. I'd like to sit that one out if you don't mind," and then go from there. I don't know if I'd want to be in a wedding if the bride tried to force me to do things I really didn't want to do!

bethsmiles

Yeah, there are other things going on thats making her consider drop out of the WP but she doens't want to hurt their friendship.

oceana919

Here's how I look at it - as a bridesmaid, the only "duties" your friend has on that day is to show up, wear the desired outfit, and smile. She does not have to do choreographed dances, wait on the bride hand-and-foot, fetch the bride Starbucks, etc. If she's genuinely uncomfortable with doing a dance in front of a crowd of people, then she has every right to say "no thank you."

Personally? I wouldn't feel comfortable asking that kind of thing of my bridal party unless they were totally into it. Two of my girlfriends and I joked at one point about learning the "Single Ladies" dance as a joke, but I wouldn't force them to do it just because "it's ma speshul day!"

Then again, one of my BMs told me I was "being a lousy bride/bridezilla" because I told her I was planning on making breakfast for everyone the morning of the wedding. lol

bsidebella

Dancing to Thriller in front of 300+ people is where I'd draw the line. Unless I'm participating in the Asbury Park Zombie Walk or the Halloween parade in the Village. Then "Thriller" is tradition. But...at a wedding? Is she on crack?

Hazel_B

I was in a wedding where the MOH wanted all the BMs to sing a song for the bride and groom. Initially I was very ugh about performing the song and it got worse once I knew what the song was. Sure the chorus was all cute, but the rest of the song was about breaking up. Very fitting.

The whole thing died before I had to say anything. However, these choreographed dances seem pretty popular right now. 

I'm with pps, I'd say I wasn't comfortable. If that wasn't good enough, I'd step out. Unless someone is into theatre and performances I think it very inconsiderate of the bride to assume the entire WP will be okay with this.

It sounds like there are other issues here. If the bride is THAT petty I'm sure something else could come up to hurt their relationship even if she stays in the WP.

oceana919

<p>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_settle-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:88296866-f2ee-44f5-9d74-4282eee08a16Post:dd6efbb1-0f1f-4856-a7e9-6649b58d06d2">Re: Help me settle a debate</a>:
[QUOTE]Dancing to Thriller in front of 300+ people is where I'd draw the line. Unless I'm participating in the Asbury Park Zombie Walk or the Halloween parade in the Village. Then "Thriller" is tradition. But...at a wedding ? Is she on crack ?
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

I just don't understand the big, elaborate choreographed group dances, period. Group dances that everyone knows, like <em>Cupid Shuffle </em>or <em>Casper Slide</em>, or a country line dancing song<em>? </em>Ok. Impromptu group dances that spring up from a couple of people knowing the dance steps to a certain song? Ok. Learning to dance a specific style for your wedding and then using what you learn when an appropriate song comes on? Guilty as charged (some friends, FI and I are planning to learn how to do basic two-step). Choreographing an entire dance and then forcing people to learn it. <em>Ech.</em> 

<em>Thriller</em> was really hilarious the first time someone did it. Now <em>everyone </em>has to do it, or something like it, at their wedding. And then YouTube it. Like they're a genius and came up with something original. It's like all the people now that suddenly have to have these big dance number processionals, just because one couple did it on YouTube. </p>
<p>If you like the idea - awesome. But come up with something original and unique for you and your SO.
</p>

bethsmiles

I wish more people just read theknot a think we'd have a least a little bit few crazies. But then again its not like the crazy ones that come on here listen anyway.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_settle-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:88296866-f2ee-44f5-9d74-4282eee08a16Post:4e3d51a7-b3d0-420d-bc1b-9d192d953b83">Re: Help me settle a debate</a>:
[QUOTE] It's like all the people now that suddenly have to have these big dance number processionals, just because one couple did it on YouTube. If you like the idea - awesome. But come up with something original and unique for you and your SO.
Posted by oceana919[/QUOTE]

I think I would be more open to it if it were even the least bit orginial but you are right that its SO over-done.

GreenPepperBurger

I voted yes, only because I'm a people pleaser. I suck.

catemeg

Ugh, choreographed dances at events make me want to puke.  Unless the B&G work in the dance industry or have friends that are professionals, I think it's just obnoxious and usually a huge mess.  I would NEVER ask my friends to do that!

However, if one of my friends asked for me to do a choreographed dance, I'd do it.  I'm not really a shy person and don't really care about making a fool of myself in public, so it wouldn't bother me.  But if it became like an episode from Bridezillas where they're barking out orders and snarling at people and making you practice for hours, you better believe I would not only be out of the wedding but out of the friendship.  You don't treat people like that!

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_settle-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:88296866-f2ee-44f5-9d74-4282eee08a16Post:cee2535b-df23-4ae4-b292-6993eeb422ae">Re: Help me settle a debate</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, there are other things going on thats making her consider drop out of the WP but she doens't want to hurt their friendship.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

Such a hard position to be in! Could she maybe step down and say "I'm sorry, but I am just not comfortable being in front of that many people." or "I have other commitments at this time that would take away from being in your WP. I love you and value our friendship, and I will attend, but am unable to participate as a member of the WP." Something along those lines?

If it's bad now, it's not going to get any better closer to the wedding. It might be in the best interest of the friendship to just step down now.

dawnkathleen

I would do it (and make her do something in mine later just as embarassing)

Button5807

oh hell no

deburnin

I *hate* the cold, but my friends wanted to take pictures outside in the snow for their wedding so I fall into the yes, I would category. We even went as far as to trek through snow and have a snowball fight in a local park. I was quite miserable, but it was their day and the pictures did turn out gorgeous. They were, however, very conscious of the fact that not all of us were thrilled to be out there and thanked us a lot. I told them they'd have to learn to walk on their hands for my wedding. lol

I told my friends that I wanted them to dance to Thriller at my wedding because they all know I'm a huge MJ fan. It went over surprisingly well, but I don't think I'd actually make them learn it. I especially wouldn't if they were uncomfortable. That just seems cruel.

aperitisa

not a chance in hell...I really don't like those choreographed dances.  I don't like "bridal party dances" period.  

katanne9

My problem with choreographed dances is all the time they take BEFORE the wedding. I would do something I didn't really want to do for my friend, but not if it's taking up a lot of non-wedding day time.

Simply Fated

I actually voted for Other. There are some things I would do for a friend, but embarrassing myself in front of 300 people is not one of them. I just didn't want to vote no because I feel like although embarrssing myself isn't something I'd do for a friend just because it's her wedding, there are other things I might do. It depends on how unreasonable the request is.

Goldlie11

I would do some things that I'm uncomfortable with but not that.  I wore a dress with spaghetti straps because that's what the bride wanted.  I NEVER go sleeveless and I never wear spaghetti straps in public.  However, I figured it was the bride's day, so I sucked it up even though I was kind of uncomfortable.  

bajediva

I find this concept of 'their day' somewhat foreign to me. I don't know if it's a cultural thing or what, but for me, the reason we're having a wedding is for the other people - for our family members (biological and chosen). Of course, we would make the major decisions, influenced by our preferences, but the wedding and reception is as much their opportunity to celebrate the doubling of the family, since mine is now his and vice versa. So it would be much more natural for my bridesmaids to come up with something they want to do, then for me to make them do something.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_settle-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:88296866-f2ee-44f5-9d74-4282eee08a16Post:c55a10c1-0ad2-4fdd-b29e-15f6558a360f">Re: Help me settle a debate</a>:
[QUOTE]I find this concept of 'their day' somewhat foreign to me. I don't know if it's a cultural thing or what, but for me, the reason we're having a wedding is for the other people - for our family members (biological and chosen). Of course, we would make the major decisions, influenced by our preferences, but the wedding and reception is as much their opportunity to celebrate the doubling of the family, since mine is now his and vice versa. So it would be much more natural for my bridesmaids to come up with something they want to do, then for me to make them do something.
Posted by bajediva[/QUOTE]
I totally agree with this. If it was something the WP had come up with on their own and wanted to do it would be a different situation. I suppose I just don't get it because I have no desire to require people to do a choreographed dance for me on my wedding day. I think part of it has to do with the couple getting married being so young so they very much buy into all the crap that wedding magazines tell you about your wedding day.

Acrosthec

I would actually be really into doing the Thriller dance, but if it was something I really DIDN'T want to do, then I would politely try to decline, and if the bride insisted I would have to seriously consider whether the friendship was worth it, because I would expect the friendship to end if I stepped out of the wedding party (which is what I would have to do if she absolutely insisted I do something I REALLY didn't want to).  If it's my BFF and I couldn't imagine losing her, well really, I would hope she would understand and cut me some slack and not force me to do anything like that.  If she did, I'd probably reconsider how she felt about me as a friend and how much she respected me.

desertsun

Beth, every time I see your siggie quote, I wonder what the heck it means. Explain?

bethsmiles

Haha...there was an episode of Amazing Wedding Cakes where the couple wanted monkeys on their cake but wanted them to be elegant and the whole episode they kept saying "What do elegant monkeys look like?" The cake turned out very cute but it was so funny how frazzled it made the staff.

desertsun

LOL, I love little bits of ridiculousness like that!

leia1979

I picked "other" as it depends on the request. I wouldn't mind the Thriller dance. I've taught and performed it before for a Halloween contest. However, if a friend asked me to do something I was really uncomfortable with, I would let her know that. If she still insisted, I probably would, but I can't see my friends asking me to do anything all that awful.

heyimbren

I think I'm entering into a similar situation

I say "other" - there are some things I will do and others i would protest against.
i.e. a WP dance... I really dislike dancing. strongly. at that point, I'd pull the bride aside and tell her this.

Right now, I'm a bridesmaid for a close friend who has decided we can now choose our own hair (that we're paying for! hooray?) but the hair must be curly, must be in an up-do and we cannot wear flowers because otherwise our hair will look too similar to the bride's hair... and we're 10 months out from the wedding. But in the end, I'm probably going to go along with it because it works for my hair and this is something little so it isn't worth disagreeing over.

So I think it really depends on what the bride is expecting. For your friend, her situation sounds crazy.

Lisa8888

What a bunch of party poopers. The people I know would love it. My friends all love to dance. Sounds like this BM is too self conscious. She has to loosen up and have some fun.

ekathleen684

Where did the poll go?

For me, it would really depend on the situation/request. I don't think there is much that i wouldn't do but if it were something that made me really uncomfortable I would talk to the bride about it. Hopefully, if she were a good friend she would understand but if not you would have to decide which you would rather, be embarrassed or lose a friend.

BTW- I hate the BP dance in general and a choreographed BP dance seems extra stupid IMO.

breezerb

I picked other... Honestly it would depend on the friend and what she wanted me to do... If it was one of my best friends (i.e. the two closest people to me other than my SO) then I would probably do just about anything... For one of their weddings that I was a BM in, the wedding party came into the reception in pairs dancing to "I'm Bringing Sexy Back" and each couple was responsible for coming up with like a 10-15 second dance.  It was video taped and looking back on it now it was freakin hilarious, we looked awesome and everyone thoroughly enjoyed it.

But Thriller? Really? Cause nothing says wedded bliss like a bunch of zombies...

fontassidy

Well, I think I'm in the minority, here...but I'd pretty much do whatever the bride/groom wanted me to....assuming we're good friends anyway, since I'd be in their WP. I'm not very shy at all and if they wanted a crazy dance, I'd do a crazy dance. If it makes 'em happy and it costs me nothing but a few minutes of putting myself out there; great!

However, I would never demand that anyone in my own WP do anything they were really uncomfortable with. I'd imagine that any sane person would have some conversations with their friends about choreographed dances, etc. before just making the decision for them. I'd probably be a little taken aback if I was just told "here's what you're going to do" and not asked "would you be ok doing this?"