Not Engaged Yet

Devastated

I cannot even believe this is happening.  I am so upset right now.  Sorry, this is going to be long (CN at the end).  I may DD this later, so please do not quote me.

A few weeks ago, my friend, L (one of my BMs), wanted to get together because she had friends from out of town visiting.  She made tentative plans with me and C (another BM) and never ended up calling.  C was upset because she had spent all day waiting around her house and L didn't call until late in the afternoon.  C's husband called me and said, "I'm really mad that L didn't show up.  I'm going to tell her that you made all this food so she'll feel really bad."  I said, "No, don't do that.  I just spoke with L and she and I are fine."

A few nights ago, L was at my house (the first time she and I have hung out alone since that happened) and the situation came up.  She told me the whole story of what happened and I told her what C's husband said.  She said, "Well, he did tell me that.  He said you made your ribs and all this other food and that you were really mad at me.  That's why I haven't really called you in a few weeks.  I wasn't sure if you even wanted to still be friends from what he said."

I was FUMING.  I called him and asked him if he said this.  He said that he did.  I asked him why he would have said that to L when I specifically told him not to.  He basically called me a liar, said that I told him I would go along with it, and called L a crybaby for coming over to my house and telling me that.  We ended up yelling at each other and I ended the conversation with "Stay the F*** out of my relationships and stop causing drama between me and my friends" and hung up on him.

I get a call from C today.  She says that she's been keeping an eye on me and her husband when we're around each other and that she noticed I'm really hard on him (like I call him out when he's acting like an a$$hole) and that it's taken a toll on our relationship.  She said she no longer wants to continue a friendship with me.  She made up her mind and isn't going to be in the wedding either.

I am so heartbroken.  I can understand that he's her husband and she needs to take his side (if he's asking her to do that), but he is such a douche and she deserves so much better than him.  She even told me in our conversation that she KNOWS he's hard to be friends with because he's extremely selfish and rude, etc etc.

It never even crossed my mind that when I asked these girls to be a part of my wedding day that one of them wouldn't be around any longer.  I guess these things happen, but I am shocked. 

I don't really know what I'm looking for here.  To vent, I guess, and some hugs if you want to dole some out.  Or tell me I was completely out of line and I deserve what I got?

CN: One of my best friends and BM called me and told me she no longer wants to continue a friendship with me after I had an argument with her husband because he was causing drama between me and my other BM.

IMG_6364
"Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg

Re: Devastated

  • Oh wow.  Hug.

    I daresay that the loss of C's friendship isn't that big of a loss.  If she's willing to allow her husband to ruin your relationships without consequence for no reason whatsoever, then she sounds like a piss poor friend to me.  Also, why would anyone want to be MARRIED to someone so rude and dramatic?

    Methinks she's nuts and you're better off.
  • SKP82SKP82 member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Thanks Yaga and Shoes.  I appreciate your coments.  I am so hurt right now.
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • Awwww, this situation totally sucks. i am so sorry you are losing a friend over this guy. It sounds like she doesn't even want to not be friends with you, but she feels like she had to make a choice (not that you are making her or anything, but I can see how she feels she might have to, or he told her to). It's not easy and it sounds like she could do better. This guy sounds like a baby. Being upset that your other friend basically stood up his wife and wasted her day? Sure, be upset. But don't act like a baby and lie about it. All of you seem to have very mature relationships. When someone messes up you call them on it and talk about it. He doesn't seem like he's there yet. 

    Hugs! I hope you guys can work it out, or find a way to be friends again. I don't think it was right of her to pull out of the wedding and I hope she reconsiders if that's what you want. 
  • SKP82SKP82 member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_devastated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8b944e49-17b4-4f8d-a966-4414086237c8Post:48d11a2b-887d-4925-a08c-157ebc50194f">Re: Devastated</a>:
    [QUOTE]Awwww, this situation totally sucks. i am so sorry you are losing a friend over this guy. It sounds like she doesn't even want to not be friends with you, but she feels like she had to make a choice (not that you are making her or anything, but I can see how she feels she might have to, or he told her to). It's not easy and it sounds like she could do better. This guy sounds like a baby. Being upset that your other friend basically stood up his wife and wasted her day? Sure, be upset. But don't act like a baby and lie about it. <strong>All of you seem to have very mature relationships. When someone messes up you call them on it and talk about it.</strong> He doesn't seem like he's there yet.  Hugs! I hope you guys can work it out, or find a way to be friends again. I don't think it was right of her to pull out of the wedding and I hope she reconsiders if that's what you want. 
    Posted by DanieKA[/QUOTE]

    I try to have that kind of relationship with my friends.  I want open and honest relationships; not relationships where other people cause drama and lie to each other.

    As for hoping we can be friends again, I don't know if I would be able to get there.  I am the type of person that once you have betrayed my trust, it's pretty much impossible to regain it.  If she reconsiders, our friendship wil always be tainted by this. 
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • leia1979leia1979 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2012
    I'm so sorry, SKP. Maybe your friend will come around and realize her husband deserves to get called out from time to time.
  • Oh SKP. *hugs*  That guy sounds terrible.  Quite frankly he sounds a bit abusive to me.  I hope you friend will see the light and change her mind but if she doesn't it is her lost. You are an amazing person and friend. *hugs*
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • Really? She didn't even give you a chance to talk it through? There was no way for you and her H to work things out? Just "bye?" WTF?

    And you have mutual friends, right? So just how is that going to work out?

    I have to say that my theory is her H is making her do this. I say give it a few weeks and try to talk to her again.



    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


  • So sorry, Steph. I would be devastated, too. You don't deserve that. Gosh, friendships are so hard sometimes. Hugs.
  • That sucks. Maybe she will come around? *Hugs*


  • Wow this situation sounds pretty familiar. My BFF did this to me just 54 days before our wedding. Her DH got mad at my sis, and dragged her into the middle of it. The end result was that she chose hur hubby over our friendship and did that same thing your friend did. It totally hurts, I know.

    I see why she chose her husband, but it blows that she had to choose. I'm with Desert, I suspect he might have put her up to this. In the long run, you might be better off without this friend. However, if her husband does something to hurt her and she comes to you, be open... you may be all she has. I hope your friend (and her husband) come around. Hugs. PM me if needed.
    www.nurseyk.weebly.com
  • I am so sorry this is happening, SKP. Losing a friendship is never easy, but I'm sure it's even worse with your wedding right around the corner. This guy sounds like a manipulative, controlling ahole. Does he typically speak for your friend like that? Whatadouche.
    image
  • I can't believe she would just end the friendship like that.  I think he was out of line talking to your friend, and while I can understand her wanting to defend her H, her reaction seems harsh.

    Hopefully she realizes that you should talk it over first, and tries to work things out with you.  *hugs*
    image Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • SKP82SKP82 member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_devastated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8b944e49-17b4-4f8d-a966-4414086237c8Post:36053d96-c398-44f9-b827-8a08c4ec626d">Re: Devastated</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh SKP. *hugs*  That guy sounds terrible.  Quite frankly he sounds a bit abusive to me.  I hope you friend will see the light and change her mind but if she doesn't it is her lost. <strong>You are an amazing person and friend. *hugs*</strong>
    Posted by ravenray[/QUOTE]

    Thank you so much for saying this, Ray.  I've been feling like a terrible friend and person today.  I really appreciate your comments.  <3
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • SKP82SKP82 member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_devastated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8b944e49-17b4-4f8d-a966-4414086237c8Post:6cef4f43-beb6-4b8c-a9b1-663ea576d45e">Re:Devastated</a>:
    [QUOTE]So sorry, Steph. I would be devastated, too. You don't deserve that. Gosh, friendships are so hard sometimes. Hugs.
    Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

    Thanks, Elle.  *hugs* to you too.
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • Yeah, honestly, if it were me I would have a really hard time taking her back, too. Like, even if she called first thing tomorrow morning crying and saying she had really screwed up, I don't know that I could get past it. When my trust is broken like that... Yeah, it's a done deal. Again, I'm so sorry. And I echo Yaga's offer to be a replacement BM. Mostly I just want an excuse to buy that Donna Morgan.
  • SKP82SKP82 member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_devastated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8b944e49-17b4-4f8d-a966-4414086237c8Post:e1d41817-36e3-4ea4-a8a8-2d8042c65594">Re:Devastated</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah, honestly, if it were me I would have a really hard time taking her back, too. Like, even if she called first thing tomorrow morning crying and saying she had really screwed up, I don't know that I could get past it. When my trust is broken like that... Yeah, it's a done deal. Again, I'm so sorry. <strong>And I echo Yaga's offer to be a replacement BM. Mostly I just want an excuse to buy that Donna Morgan.</strong>
    Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]
     
    I love you so hard right now.
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • You've always been one of my favorites on the board.  I don't know how anyone could treat such an amazing woman the way your friend did. 


    Big hugs!
    Used to be bourgehm. +1,500 posts. Silly knot
    image
  • SKP82SKP82 member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_devastated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8b944e49-17b4-4f8d-a966-4414086237c8Post:8a799698-f308-4897-a6a0-035edbb6016c">Re: Devastated</a>:
    [QUOTE]You've always been one of my favorites on the board.  I don't know how anyone could treat such an amazing woman the way your friend did.  Big hugs!
    Posted by polkadot111[/QUOTE]

    You don't know how much this means to me.  Thank you so much. 
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • SKP82SKP82 member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_devastated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8b944e49-17b4-4f8d-a966-4414086237c8Post:9d14ceea-25c1-42c9-b2e3-b63c2b7eea5f">Re:Devastated</a>:
    [QUOTE]I've been thinking since I posted earlier. I really can't imagine if one of my friends did what she is doing, how I would be feeling. I hope you continue to find support here and through your other friends and BMs, because you deserve better.
    Posted by polo1425[/QUOTE]

    Thank you so much, Polo, for trying to put yourself in my shoes. 

    I so much appreciate the support I've received here from everyone.  I truly do.
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • I'm sorry, SKP. That guy definitely sounds like a manipulative prick. I agree that her husband is probably forcing her to cut the ties of your friendship, but I'm sure it doesn't hurt any less. :(
    5/27/12
    image
  • She did not handle that very well.  I don't blame you for calling him out on being an a**, it sounds like he's one most of the time.  It's terrible that it's costing you your friendship.

    I commend you for actually calling him and talking to him about it; I've seen so many instances in which something like that just festers and explodes later.  You did the right thing.
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