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Lots going on...

Okay, So I'm sorry I've been a little MIA this weekend. Spent all day yesterday with my old roommate from the dorms. We went to Hobby Lobby and Michaels. She makes jewelry, and so we had gone and bought some beads, and pendants, went back and made some jewelry. I designed an anklet, 2 necklaces, and 2 pairs of earrings. She finished them for me. She's working on the remaining 2 pairs of earrings, a necklace and a bracelet for my sister. :) Then we had some wine with her mom, and then sushi dinner! :) OMG... sooo yumtastic and MUCH needed.

Today was spent bumming around the house with BF. We went to breakfast, watched netflix... quiet day. Something is off between us, and I don't know what it is... things were amazing this morning, and this afternoon...just kinda went into a downward spiral. I fu***in hate it! :( Things are okay now, but I feel like.. idk... like everything is my fault. Like he is effing perfect. GAH! I don't know. :( Maybe I'm overreacting. Like Raven, I'm amazing at communication with everyone else, but when it comes to me and BF... = major sucktastic sometimes. He says I leave part of my thoughts out...which i tend to do, and i know it. I've been hurt a lot by the people i let get closest to me, and the ones who are naturally closest to me (i.e. family), and even though i trust him completely, and i know we can get through anything by talking... idk... this just isn't my strong suit
Any suggestions on how to better this?? I've tried the writing it down thing...it didn't work for me..

Maybe I should give you an example. We decided we wanted snacky stuff for dinner, so we ran to the store. We went down the frozen food aisle, and he picked up frozen pizzas (keep in mind, i've been doing very well eating healthier foods), and i picked up gelato. He made a comment about how i needed to eat more than just sugar for dinner (i'm hypoglycemic). I said i was going to. I then decided that I didn't want crappy snack food for dinner, and would find a healthier choice for snacky stuff (hummus, etc). So i put the ice cream back. He asked why. I said i didn't want to eat crap. He thought i meant snacky foods, and i just meant crappy snacky foods. The conversation escalated, and we ended up leaving the store, him almost walking home. 

HELP!?! How was everyone else's weekend? Did you celebrate the 4th today or are you going to tomorrow?

Re: Lots going on...

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    desertsundesertsun member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    So...what did you fight about? I'm confused. He was annoyed that you were indecisive in the grocery store or...?

    I don't get why this would lead to someone threatening to walk home? I feel like that's a really manipulative thing to do. Not to mention immature.

    Communication takes more than one person. I doubt that YOU are the whole problem, Irish.

    I think that you guys need to talk about how you handle conflict. You always want to focus on being constructive -- if a comment doesn't move you closer to resolution, you probably shouldn't say it. If a comment is geared toward manipulating someone else, it shouldn't be said. The whole point is to reach an understanding of what each person wants and why, and then find a solution you can both live with. It's not a battle with a winner and a loser.


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    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_lots-going?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8c6e18bf-d0b4-4b8e-87fe-61f898df396ePost:732a4f5b-7f50-4787-b750-5b53d377961d">Lots going on...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Things are okay now, but I feel like.. idk... like everything is my fault. Like he is effing perfect.
    Posted by IrishDreamer[/QUOTE]

    I've felt like this MAJORLY in my last relationship. A piece of frozen chicken breast would fall out of the freezer- and I would seriously feel like it was my fault. I couldn't fold Glenn's shirts right. I couldn't cook right.

    And then when I moved in with Andrew- I felt that a little bit agin. I couldn't stack measuring cups right.

    I felt like I was <em>always </em>apologizing.

    What I realized is that all of this stemmed from my insecurities. With my ex- the insecurities stemmed from my lack of desire to be intimate with him. With Andrew- it was my weight.

    So could Andrew and I possibly get in  tift about snacks/junk food? Absolutely...and it would be all me being defensive. In fact- when I was in a really insecure place- I told Andrew we couldn't discuss my weight and those things related. I know- it's awful, but I needed to work through some things before I was read to open up about it.

    Now that I'm doing something about my weight- and probably because I have the support of you ladies- I'm able to talk about it and don't feel nearly insecure.

    Do you and your SO constantly get in tifts about the same things? If so- what is it?

    If you tell me yours- I'll tell you mine. ;)
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    kellyt89kellyt89 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_lots-going?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:8c6e18bf-d0b4-4b8e-87fe-61f898df396ePost:bc37a118-b14f-477e-a5ad-4167e3139025">Re: Lots going on...</a>:
    [QUOTE] You always want to focus on being constructive -- if a comment doesn't move you closer to resolution, you probably shouldn't say it. If a comment is geared toward manipulating someone else, it shouldn't be said. The whole point is to reach an understanding of what each person wants and why, and then find a solution you can both live with. It's not a battle with a winner and a loser.
    Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

    This is one of the best things I've read here! I'm famous for saying things just to be mean sometimes (it's how my family fights, unfortunately) and it makes really simple things escalate. I've had to really work on stopping that because I realized I was hurting BF's feelings often, and for no reason. One of you (or both of you) might be like that, which can be really damaging.

    It sounds like both of you were assuming what the other person meant without totally understanding. I do that a lot too...

    Maybe talk about the fight when you've both cooled down and try to figure out why it escalated the way it did?
    And if the stormy weather came...I'd just kiss you in the rain... Daisypath Anniversary tickers image
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    IrishDreamerIrishDreamer member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_lots-going?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8c6e18bf-d0b4-4b8e-87fe-61f898df396ePost:c2cf81cd-baf1-46a6-ba28-6779fa4015b0">Re: Lots going on...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Lots going on... : I've felt like this MAJORLY in my last relationship. A piece of frozen chicken breast would fall out of the freezer- and I would seriously feel like it was my fault. I couldn't fold Glenn's shirts right. I couldn't cook right. And then when I moved in with Andrew- I felt that a little bit agin. I couldn't stack measuring cups right. I felt like I was always apologizing. What I realized is that all of this stemmed from my insecurities. With my ex- the insecurities stemmed from my lack of desire to be intimate with him. With Andrew- it was my weight. So could Andrew and I possibly get in  tift about snacks/junk food? Absolutely...and it would be all me being defensive. In fact- when I was in a really insecure place- I told Andrew we couldn't discuss my weight and those things related. I know- it's awful, but I needed to work through some things before I was read to open up about it. Now that I'm doing something about my weight- and probably because I have the support of you ladies- I'm able to talk about it and don't feel nearly insecure. Do you and your SO constantly get in tifts about the same things? If so- what is it? If you tell me yours- I'll tell you mine. ;)
    Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>YES! We get into tiffs about the same damn things! He says I don't explain everything with all the information, and leave out parts when he asks me questions. I'm VERY touchy about my weight, and even though he says i don't need to lose weight, and I know he is just worried about my health, when he says stuff to me about when am i going to start yoga, etc... it REALLY irks me. I know it shouldn't, but it does. Also, we get into tiffs about the housework and money. He feels like he contributes all financials, and I feel like i contribute a lot of financial, and the entirety of the housework, so when he says stuff to me about the housework or whatever not being complete, or done, or whatever... I get pissy and we get into it. When we have these conversations, I never know how to respond, because I want to diffuse the situation, and so I get quiet, and he gets pissy because I don't talk. *sigh* It sucks because we don't get to spend any time together because of our schedules, and everything, and it sucks when the only time we do get to spend together is spent bickering and arguing. I HATE IT!!

    </div>
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    desertsundesertsun member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Not being able to have healthy, constructive conflict is a serious issue in a relationship, Irish. 

    This is yet another instance where communication is just part of the issue. There is also a trust and/or honesty issue.

    You guys MUST be able to open up to each other and be able to talk through these things. 

    IMO, you cannot have a happy successful marriage if you can't handle conflict effectively as a couple.


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    desertsundesertsun member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Oh, and this is a perfect example of the kind of enabling Mutley was talking about in your other thread, Lunar. 

    Someone makes a complaint, and someone responds in a way that is focused more on sympathizing or drawing parallels and less on providing detailed analysis or advice. 

    I appreciate that you are trying to help, and obv so does Irish. I'm not saying we can't have sympathy for each other.

    But notice how Irish completely ignored what I had to say and zeroed in on what you said, b/c it was sympathetic and enabled her to continue her "venting" without focusing on a resolution?

    Frankly, I feel like a lot of the time, I'm the "bad cop" lately. I also feel like I'm repeating myself a lot. It's kind of frustrating. People say, "Oh Desert gives good advice" but then it's almost like it doesn't make a difference b/c the same stuff comes up over and over, you know?

    Idk. Maybe I'm just feeling pissy tonight. :(


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    caitlin.cavecaitlin.cave member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_lots-going?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8c6e18bf-d0b4-4b8e-87fe-61f898df396ePost:73136f94-d6c4-494a-987a-42a48493b485">Re: Lots going on...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh, and this is a perfect example of the kind of enabling Mutley was talking about in your other thread, Lunar.  <strong>Someone makes a complaint, and someone responds in a way that is focused more on sympathizing or drawing parallels and less on providing detailed analysis or advice.</strong>  I appreciate that you are trying to help, and obv so does Irish. I'm not saying we can't have sympathy for each other. But notice how Irish completely ignored what I had to say and zeroed in on what you said, b/c it was sympathetic and enabled her to continue her "venting" without focusing on a resolution? Frankly, I feel like a lot of the time, I'm the "bad cop" lately. I also feel like I'm repeating myself a lot. It's kind of frustrating. People say, "Oh Desert gives good advice" but then it's almost like it doesn't make a difference b/c the same stuff comes up over and over, you know? Idk. Maybe I'm just feeling pissy tonight. :(
    Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

    I agree.  This is a problem in general.  It's totally okay (even encouraged) to say that you can relate to the person posting, but if no solution is offered in addition to that, it just becomes a big complain-fest and nobody benefits from the advice that's being offered in other posts.
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    IrishDreamerIrishDreamer member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_lots-going?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:8c6e18bf-d0b4-4b8e-87fe-61f898df396ePost:73136f94-d6c4-494a-987a-42a48493b485">Re: Lots going on...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh, and this is a perfect example of the kind of enabling Mutley was talking about in your other thread, Lunar.  Someone makes a complaint, and someone responds in a way that is focused more on sympathizing or drawing parallels and less on providing detailed analysis or advice.  I appreciate that you are trying to help, and obv so does Irish. I'm not saying we can't have sympathy for each other. But notice how Irish completely ignored what I had to say and zeroed in on what you said, b/c it was sympathetic and enabled her to continue her "venting" without focusing on a resolution? Frankly, I feel like a lot of the time, I'm the "bad cop" lately. I also feel like I'm repeating myself a lot. It's kind of frustrating. People say, "Oh Desert gives good advice" but then it's almost like it doesn't make a difference b/c the same stuff comes up over and over, you know? Idk. Maybe I'm just feeling pissy tonight. :(
    Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

    Desert, I agree with you completely. your analysis and advice was spot on.
    I'm sorry if you are getting frustrated because you're repeating yourself, I certainly do not want to make you feel that way.

    This is an ongoing battle for me, personally because I am phenomenal at communication in every other aspect, except when it comes to me, and how I am feeling, and all that. It's a longstemming problem going back to my childhood and how I never allowed anyone to really know what i was feeling, because to them, it didn't matter. My parents were too self-absorbed, my siblings were too young... we were always moving, I could give hundreds of excuses, and it's all BS.

    I make excuses for the way I am, saying I am who I am, and it's part of who I am. It's BS, and I don't know how to stop it. I try with BF to talk and let him know, but honestly, I'm terrified of people really getting close to me, and being vulnerable. BF, and my mother... they are the two people I have issues telling them how i feel. My mother because she is a vindictive b!tch, who always uses what i say against me. BF, it's nothing against him, he is amazing, but consciously, subconsciously, i let my past relationships trump my better judgement. I'm working on it. It's very difficult. Time consuming...and sucks.

    Okay, I feel like I'm rambling now.... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am trying to take your advice seriously and communicate more. BF and I talked yesterday and he said I am doing better, but obviously we both need to work on things. (yay for progress?) Sooo...we shall see.

    I <3 you and your advice, and don't think you are the bad cop, at all. I need that type of person in my life... people think I'm intimidating, apparently, and they think i won't like them for telling me the hard stuff. So thank you. :) <3
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    desertsundesertsun member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I think there is a difference between knowing the roots of your issues and using them as an excuse to not even try. You're making the effort, hon! You're not letting your past win. It makes me really sad to hear that you had to live that way growing up. Anyone would have trouble being vulnerable after that. It's understandable. But it's no reason to stop trying to open up to and improve communication with your BF. Clearly you get that, but knowing something and acting on it are different, right? :)

    I do really think there is a trust issue. There are layers of trust, IMO. It's not a matter of trusting or not trusting your BF. It's a matter of trusting him with certain things about yourself. 

    I know it's hard, but you need to keep pushing yourself to take those emotional risks, to open up to your BF and let yourself be vulnerable to him possibly hurting you.

    The reward -- being closer to your BF -- is more than worth the risk.

    I think too often people feel like it is their fault when they've opened up and someone has hurt them. They think they made a stupid choice.

    I try to instead think that being open to someone you care about is NEVER a bad choice. It might hurt at some point, but that is not a reflection on my intelligence and it should not impact my self-esteem. While I need to acknowledge the role I played in making that choice, I try to never regret it, b/c if I never risk being open, I will be very lonely. And loneliness hurts too. It's possible to be in a relationship and feel incredibly lonely, b/c you're not being open. 

    Being lonely is hard; being open is hard. Choose your hard.

    I hope that helps.

    Also thanks for the nice things you said about me/my advice. I really appreciate it, Irish.<3 We Michigan girls have to stick together, you know. :)

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    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_lots-going?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:8c6e18bf-d0b4-4b8e-87fe-61f898df396ePost:73136f94-d6c4-494a-987a-42a48493b485">Re: Lots going on...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh, and this is a perfect example of the kind of enabling Mutley was talking about in your other thread, Lunar.  Someone makes a complaint, and someone responds in a way that is focused more on sympathizing or drawing parallels and less on providing detailed analysis or advice.  I appreciate that you are trying to help, and obv so does Irish. I'm not saying we can't have sympathy for each other. But notice how Irish completely ignored what I had to say and zeroed in on what you said, b/c it was sympathetic and enabled her to continue her "venting" without focusing on a resolution? Frankly, I feel like a lot of the time, I'm the "bad cop" lately. I also feel like I'm repeating myself a lot. It's kind of frustrating. People say, "Oh Desert gives good advice" but then it's almost like it doesn't make a difference b/c the same stuff comes up over and over, you know? Idk. Maybe I'm just feeling pissy tonight. :(
    Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

    I can see what you are saying- but I also wasn't <em>just</em> offering sympathy (of course I was offering some...)and enabling Irish. Not only do I think communication might be an issue...but what I was going after (and why I asked another question)- is that Irish might have some issues with herself that she needs to work on.

    The bigger issue might not be with how Irish communicates with her SO, but how she feels about herself and her own insecurities.

    Honestly- you do give wonderful advice, but not everyone is going to listen and you are only hearing one side of the story- so even if people listen to your advice- and implement it in their relationships- it doesn't mean it's going to fix the problem, because perhaps the OP wasn't really addressing the main problem.

    I'm sorry that you are feeling discouraged with the ladies in the group at the moment.
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    ravenrayravenray member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_lots-going?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:8c6e18bf-d0b4-4b8e-87fe-61f898df396ePost:6f0fac5d-c47b-4014-99e4-b9d3c76a667f">Re: Lots going on...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lots going on... : Desert, I agree with you completely. your analysis and advice was spot on. I'm sorry if you are getting frustrated because you're repeating yourself, I certainly do not want to make you feel that way. This is an ongoing battle for me, personally because I am phenomenal at communication in every other aspect, except when it comes to me, and how I am feeling, and all that. It's a longstemming problem going back to my childhood and how I never allowed anyone to really know what i was feeling, because to them, it didn't matter. My parents were too self-absorbed, my siblings were too young... we were always moving, I could give hundreds of excuses, and it's all BS. I make excuses for the way I am, saying I am who I am, and it's part of who I am. It's BS, and I don't know how to stop it. I try with BF to talk and let him know, but honestly, I'm terrified of people really getting close to me, and being vulnerable. BF, and my mother... they are the two people I have issues telling them how i feel. My mother because she is a vindictive b!tch, who always uses what i say against me. BF, it's nothing against him, he is amazing, but consciously, subconsciously, i let my past relationships trump my better judgement. I'm working on it. It's very difficult. Time consuming...and sucks. Okay, I feel like I'm rambling now.... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am trying to take your advice seriously and communicate more. BF and I talked yesterday and he said I am doing better, but obviously we both need to work on things. (yay for progress?) Sooo...we shall see. I <3 you and your advice, and don't think you are the bad cop, at all. I need that type of person in my life... people think I'm intimidating, apparently, and they think i won't like them for telling me the hard stuff. So thank you. :) <3
    Posted by IrishDreamer[/QUOTE]

    <span style="line-height:115%;font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';color:#1f1f1f;font-size:8.5pt;">*Hugs*  We should start a club Ry.  I can totally relate.  I have had a lot a bad things in my past too that make people think that no one cares about what I think.  IF you ever want to talk about those things I am here for you.
    Since my thread on Friday, BF and I have been doing a better job commutating.  I think it is really hard to be honest with someone when you don't see them alot.  Would you have time to talk to BF about how you struggle to communicate and ways he could help you?  When I told BF that I put a post up about communicating with him, he was happy and is making a real effort to help me tell him.  Example: When I get quite or unresponsive he says babe what is wrong, communicate with me.  This makes me feel like my opinion matters and helps me say what is on my mind.  Maybe this would work with your BF too?  Sometimes it is hard for the person who loves you to see that you are making progress, but that doesn't mean you aren't.  You can do it!  We can do it together.  We can have some sort of encouragement thing if you want.  That would be fun!  :) </span> 
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

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    IrishDreamerIrishDreamer member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_lots-going?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:8c6e18bf-d0b4-4b8e-87fe-61f898df396ePost:a5fcea78-6655-4284-bbf0-7ab633d28099">Re: Lots going on...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lots going on... : *Hugs*  We should start a club Ry.  I can totally relate.  I have had a lot a bad things in my past too that make people think that no one cares about what I think.  IF you ever want to talk about those things I am here for you. Since my thread on Friday, BF and I have been doing a better job commutating.  <strong>I think it is really hard to be honest with someone when you don't see them alot</strong>.  Would you have time to talk to BF about how you struggle to communicate and ways he could help you?  When I told BF that I put a post up about communicating with him, he was happy and is making a real effort to help me tell him.  Example: When I get quite or unresponsive he says babe what is wrong, communicate with me.  This makes me feel like my opinion matters and helps me say what is on my mind.  Maybe this would work with your BF too?  Sometimes it is hard for the person who loves you to see that you are making progress, but that doesn't mean you aren't.  You can do it!  We can do it together.  We can have some sort of encouragement thing if you want.  That would be fun!  :)   
    Posted by ravenray[/QUOTE]

    Rach, OMG we should! LOL
    He is very supportive and always asking me how he can help me, the problem is I have no effing idea! LOL.

    In regards to the bolded area - this...all of this. We do so well communicating, and then we go through weeks without really seeing each other for more than an hr or two at night (none of which really includes a whole lot of talking...more tv and downtime). That seems to be when we start bickering/arguing more. Least that's what it seems like to me.
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    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_lots-going?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:8c6e18bf-d0b4-4b8e-87fe-61f898df396ePost:8ec3c605-f582-45ea-8b44-6f2c49a64e08">Re: Lots going on...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lots going on... : Rach, OMG we should! LOL He is very supportive and always asking me how he can help me, the problem is I have no effing idea! LOL. In regards to the bolded area - this...all of this. We do so well communicating, and then we go through weeks without really seeing each other for more than an hr or two at night (none of which really includes a whole lot of talking...more tv and downtime). <strong>That seems to be when we start bickering/arguing more. Least that's what it seems like to me.
    </strong>Posted by IrishDreamer[/QUOTE]

    This happens A LOT in long distance relationships too, especially at the end of a visit. I'm not sure why. Maybe because an unconcious part of you knows it is easier to be mad then sad. Also- when you don't see someone a lot- there is ALL this pressure for your time together to be perfect. It's just a bit too much sometimes.
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    IrishDreamerIrishDreamer member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_lots-going?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:8c6e18bf-d0b4-4b8e-87fe-61f898df396ePost:a328c8c7-bb6b-492b-a516-b4a582b5f62a">Re: Lots going on...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think there is a difference between knowing the roots of your issues and using them as an excuse to not even try. You're making the effort, hon! You're not letting your past win. It makes me really sad to hear that you had to live that way growing up. Anyone would have trouble being vulnerable after that. It's understandable. But it's no reason to stop trying to open up to and improve communication with your BF. <strong>Clearly you get that, but knowing something and acting on it are different, right? :) I do really think there is a trust issue. There are layers of trust, IMO. It's not a matter of trusting or not trusting your BF. It's a matter of trusting him with certain things about yourself</strong>.  I know it's hard, but you need to keep pushing yourself to take those emotional risks, to open up to your BF and let yourself be vulnerable to him possibly hurting you. The reward -- being closer to your BF -- is more than worth the risk. I think too often people feel like it is their fault when they've opened up and someone has hurt them. They think they made a stupid choice. I try to instead think that being open to someone you care about is NEVER a bad choice. It might hurt at some point, but that is not a reflection on my intelligence and it should not impact my self-esteem. While I need to acknowledge the role I played in making that choice, I try to never regret it, b/c if I never risk being open, I will be very lonely. And loneliness hurts too. It's possible to be in a relationship and feel incredibly lonely, b/c you're not being open.  Being lonely is hard; being open is hard. Choose your hard. I hope that helps. Also thanks for the nice things you said about me/my advice. I really appreciate it, Irish.<3 <strong>We Michigan girls have to stick together, you know. :)
    </strong>Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

    *hugs* I lurves you... you are awesome. :)

    1st bolded section - you hit the nail on the head. I've always been judged (mainly by those closest to me) because of those things about myself, so even though logically, I know he won't hurt me, or judge me... it's still scary for me. I'm plodding through it though... even though some times i want to scream because it is the suck.

    2nd bolded section - This made me smile. I'm not originally from MI. I was born in Chicago, raised for 9 yrs outside of Philadelphia, 13 years in FL, now I've been in MI for going on 3 years now... :) But the sentiment made me smile. Where in MI were you from??
  • Options
    ravenrayravenray member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_lots-going?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:8c6e18bf-d0b4-4b8e-87fe-61f898df396ePost:8ec3c605-f582-45ea-8b44-6f2c49a64e08">Re: Lots going on...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lots going on... : Rach, OMG we should! LOL He is very supportive and always asking me how he can help me, the problem is I have no effing idea! LOL. In regards to the bolded area - this...all of this. We do so well communicating, and then we go through weeks without really seeing each other for more than an hr or two at night (none of which really includes a whole lot of talking...more tv and downtime). That seems to be when we start bickering/arguing more. Least that's what it seems like to me.
    Posted by IrishDreamer[/QUOTE]

    <span style="line-height:115%;font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';color:#1f1f1f;font-size:8.5pt;">hehe you called me Rach :D Ok lets PM and work something out. I understand about being confused.  Maybe you guys can experiment until you find something that works for both of you?  I think the fighting thing is just a way of expressing unhappiness at the fact that you can't see the other person.  I have ruined many nights this way.  Just try to examine what you are unhappy about, is it the fact that you are watching TV instead of talking?  Ask him to do the same.  At least he wants to communicate with you, that is a very good sign. :) </span>
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

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    desertsundesertsun member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Aw, thank you honey. <3 you back.

    It's okay to be scared and find it hard. Take it slow. It does get easier over time, I promise. 

    I know you're not originally from MI, but GR is only about an hour from where I grew up. Spent the first 18 years of my life in Fremont, home of Gerber, baby food capital of the world. :) So I always have a little special feeling toward people who live in that area, b/c as much as I love AZ, I still miss west MI sometimes. Esp. this time of year. My family camped up in Ludington a lot of summers and I seriously miss the dunes and the big, cold waves, sand stuck to your feet, campfires with s'mores, sweatshirts thrown your bathing suit and shorts...sigh... 

    :)




    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


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    marleylikeairmarleylikeair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_lots-going?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8c6e18bf-d0b4-4b8e-87fe-61f898df396ePost:6f0fac5d-c47b-4014-99e4-b9d3c76a667f">Re: Lots going on...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lots going on... :  This is an ongoing battle for me, personally because I am phenomenal at communication in every other aspect, <strong>except when it comes to me, and how I am feeling, and all that. It's a longstemming problem going back to my childhood and how I never allowed anyone to really know what i was feeling, because to them, it didn't matter. </strong>My parents were too self-absorbed, my siblings were too young... we were always moving, I could give hundreds of excuses, and it's all BS. I make excuses for the way I am, saying I am who I am, and it's part of who I am. It's BS, and I don't know how to stop it. I try with BF to talk and let him know, but honestly, I'm terrified of people really getting close to me, and being vulnerable. BF, and my mother... they are the two people I have issues telling them how i feel. <strong>My mother because she is a vindictive b!tch, who always uses what i say against me.</strong> BF, it's nothing against him, he is amazing, but consciously, subconsciously, i let my past relationships trump my better judgement. I'm working on it. It's very difficult. Time consuming...and sucks. 
    Posted by IrishDreamer[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>OH MAN, Irish. I know I've said it before, but I can SO relate to what you're saying, especially the bolded stuff. I still struggle with some of what you're saying. The vindictive mother using stuff against you...well, it's why I'm not speaking to my mother right now. She needs to be in control at all times, and needs to never feel vulnerable, so she manipulates those around her to bring that reality about. I am currently working with a new therapist I hope will help me figure out how to navigate this sh!tty relationship with my mom and if not make it better, at least help me figure out how to deal.</div><div>
    </div><div>The good news is that I've figured out a lot of stuff and I am doing much better not blaming my upbringing or my mom for my shortcomings in friendships and relationships anymore, and moving past some of the toxic, immature behaviors I had learned from my mother. You mention you tend to make excuses for your behavior, and I recognize that. I used to do it. I learned it from my mother, actually. She has yet to take responsibility for her actions; all I ever hear from her are excuses. It sounds like you are on your way to possibly stopping doing this, so go you!</div><div>
    </div><div>I completely understand and sympathize with what you're saying about believing your feelings don't matter. I have made many a mistake and missed many an opportunity because I didn't believe my feelings, thoughts, wishes, or dreams mattered. My mother had pretty much beaten it out of me, emotionally speaking, and in my teens and early twenties, I was still letting everyone else dictate how I felt about, reacted to, and dealt with everything. So now I'm working on making my feelings matter. It's f#$&ing hard. I have no road map for this. But I know if I'm going to have a healthy relationship with my BF, as well as with my friends and even in professional settings, I'm going to have to figure it out.</div><div>
    </div><div>The spat you and your BF had in the grocery store reminds me of one I might have had with my ex. Or even my current BF, if this were maybe 6 months ago. I'm learning, slowly, to be vulnerable. To be able to say, "that hurt my feelings" in a really non-confrontational way, and to be able to explain why. It's hard to do all this when sometimes you don't even know how you're feeling. This is one of the reasons I'm in therapy.</div><div>
    </div><div>Heck, all of the above are partly why I hang out on NEY. There is such a wealth of wisdom and support here.</div><div>
    </div><div>Raven, I'm sorry you've also been through similar things. ::hug:: for you.</div><div>
    </div><div>Desert, it's so ridiculously helpful to have your advice and perspective. You know, even if you give advice on a thread where the OP doesn't really take what you say to heart, I'm often reading the thread, and what you say helps me. You know so much about healthy relationships. You know how to bring things out into the open without being disrespectful to anyone. It's invaluable to me. I grew up in an environment where I wouldn't have known a healthy relationship if it hit me over the head. Abnormal was equal to normal. Emotionally abusive was equal to "love" or "the importance of family." Bringing up an issue was practically equal to a death wish. So thank you for being around and sharing what you know. You rock.</div><div>
    </div><div>BTW, Irish, what part of Michigan are you living in? I grew up in Dearborn and spent a fair amount of time in Ann Arbor and Ypsilanti as well.</div>
  • Options
    IrishDreamerIrishDreamer member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_lots-going?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:8c6e18bf-d0b4-4b8e-87fe-61f898df396ePost:f5322037-ca11-4ebe-91c0-4876101d7a09">Re: Lots going on...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lots going on... : OH MAN, Irish. I know I've said it before, but I can SO relate to what you're saying, especially the bolded stuff. I still struggle with some of what you're saying. The vindictive mother using stuff against you...well, it's why I'm not speaking to my mother right now. She needs to be in control at all times, and needs to never feel vulnerable, so she manipulates those around her to bring that reality about. I am currently working with a new therapist I hope will help me figure out how to navigate this sh!tty relationship with my mom and if not make it better, at least help me figure out how to deal. The good news is that I've figured out a lot of stuff and I am doing much better not blaming my upbringing or my mom for my shortcomings in friendships and relationships anymore, and moving past some of the toxic, immature behaviors I had learned from my mother. You mention you tend to make excuses for your behavior, and I recognize that. I used to do it. I learned it from my mother, actually. She has yet to take responsibility for her actions; all I ever hear from her are excuses. It sounds like you are on your way to possibly stopping doing this, so go you! I completely understand and sympathize with what you're saying about believing your feelings don't matter. I have made many a mistake and missed many an opportunity because I didn't believe my feelings, thoughts, wishes, or dreams mattered. My mother had pretty much beaten it out of me, emotionally speaking, and in my teens and early twenties, I was still letting everyone else dictate how I felt about, reacted to, and dealt with everything. So now I'm working on making my feelings matter. It's f#$&ing hard. I have no road map for this. But I know if I'm going to have a healthy relationship with my BF, as well as with my friends and even in professional settings, I'm going to have to figure it out. The spat you and your BF had in the grocery store reminds me of one I might have had with my ex. Or even my current BF, if this were maybe 6 months ago. I'm learning, slowly, to be vulnerable. To be able to say, "that hurt my feelings" in a really non-confrontational way, and to be able to explain why. It's hard to do all this when sometimes you don't even know how you're feeling. This is one of the reasons I'm in therapy. Heck, all of the above are partly why I hang out on NEY. There is such a wealth of wisdom and support here. Raven, I'm sorry you've also been through similar things. ::hug:: for you. <strong>Desert, it's so ridiculously helpful to have your advice and perspective. You know, even if you give advice on a thread where the OP doesn't really take what you say to heart, I'm often reading the thread, and what you say helps me. You know so much about healthy relationships. You know how to bring things out into the open without being disrespectful to anyone. It's invaluable to me. I grew up in an environment where I wouldn't have known a healthy relationship if it hit me over the head. Abnormal was equal to normal. Emotionally abusive was equal to "love" or "the importance of family." Bringing up an issue was practically equal to a death wish. So thank you for being around and sharing what you know</strong>. You rock. BTW, Irish, what part of Michigan are you living in? I grew up in Dearborn and spent a fair amount of time in Ann Arbor and Ypsilanti as well.
    Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]


    Marley, You friggin rock. I am sorry you had to go through the same type of crap i did with my mother. Currently, we are not on speaking terms either. I love that you are around to help me stay grounded when I want to do nothing more than scream at her and tell her how horrible I think she is. Yes, it is f*#*($& hard to make my feelings matter. I am always putting other people first...I'm getting better, but it's still a work in progress. Thank you for your support. It means sooo much to me!

    Desert, Bolded section....that...all of it... <3

    Marley, I am in Kalamazoo currently. BF and I talk about moving to Ann Arbor if we decide to stay in this cold as$ place (I HATE being cold). It's okay...it's just that the part of my family that I am closer to (ie my brothers and father) are in PA, my grand units are in TN, moving back to FL...soooo yeah.
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    ravenrayravenray member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Group hug!!!!  Marley you can join our group if you want :)  Dealing with toxic parents suck :(
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • Options
    marleylikeairmarleylikeair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks, you two! I would love to join the group, Ray.

    Irish--my pleasure. I'm glad you're here, too!

    Kalamazoo is a little different neck of the woods from where I'm from, but I've been there and liked it. Also, I second what Desert said about dunes and cold waves! Desert, I think I've been in Ludington a few times.
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    desertsundesertsun member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_lots-going?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8c6e18bf-d0b4-4b8e-87fe-61f898df396ePost:f5322037-ca11-4ebe-91c0-4876101d7a09">Re: Lots going on...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lots going on... :  Desert, it's so ridiculously helpful to have your advice and perspective. You know, even if you give advice on a thread where the OP doesn't really take what you say to heart, I'm often reading the thread, and what you say helps me. You know so much about healthy relationships. You know how to bring things out into the open without being disrespectful to anyone. It's invaluable to me. I grew up in an environment where I wouldn't have known a healthy relationship if it hit me over the head. Abnormal was equal to normal. Emotionally abusive was equal to "love" or "the importance of family." Bringing up an issue was practically equal to a death wish. So thank you for being around and sharing what you know. You rock.
    Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]

    I really, really appreciate this, Marley.

    Being on NEY has shown me how much I enjoy being at least a small part of people's lives and helping them be healthier and happier in any way I can. It's something I enjoy and it's something, based on your feedback and what others have said as well, that I think I may have a gift for.

    I'm actually signing up for some online classes in psychology. I want to explore this interest of mine in people and their relationships to see if pursuing a master's in counseling is something I might be interested in.

    So thanks for validating me. Hee hee. <3
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


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    marleylikeairmarleylikeair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_lots-going?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:8c6e18bf-d0b4-4b8e-87fe-61f898df396ePost:e6776306-7142-4ee5-ad01-7bd78e587cbb">Re: Lots going on...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lots going on... : I really, really appreciate this, Marley. Being on NEY has shown me how much I enjoy being at least a small part of people's lives and helping them be healthier and happier in any way I can. It's something I enjoy and it's something, based on your feedback and what others have said as well, that I think I may have a gift for. I'm actually signing up for some online classes in psychology. I want to explore this interest of mine in people and their relationships to see if pursuing a master's in counseling is something I might be interested in. <strong>So thanks for validating me. Hee hee. <3</strong>
    Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Hey, anytime, lady. I think you should definitely look into some classes if you're wanting to. Sounds right up your alley!</div><div>
    </div><div>LOL to the bolded part. :)

    </div>
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