WWYD-FMIL

em01092

Ok so it's been several weeks since all of the nonsense with FMIL. For those of you who missed, FMIL sent me awful emails that made me cry, because her friends are not invited to the wedding (which she was previously, supposedly ok with) and the wedding is to her more about how she looks rather than us a a couple. 

So I probably will not have to see FMIL until the week of the wedding (2 months). That said, SOME correspondence between us or at least FI and will be necessary, I'm thinking. More time for this to blow over and apologize, but I doubt she will.

What would you do if you got no apology? Act like nothing happened? Be polite and cordial, but make no effort to go above and beyond? Be snarky and make sure she understands she has hurt me and I'm waiting for an apology? I'm thinking the 2nd option, because I want to remain as blameless as possible in all this, but I also don't want to be a pushover. 

FI has told her that she hurt my feelings and she was out of line, but she feels that I have equally wronged her. She fails to see that her personal and petty insults were hands down worse than what we "did to her."

cgyvhu

Having a difficult FMIL myself, I know its SO tempting to stoop to their level and be snarky/bitchy.

But don't. It's not worth your time and gives her more reason to continue with the behavior.  She may also see that her hissy fits get her desired response, and you don't want to reinforce that.

I wouldn't communicate with her unless required.  I'd let FI handle all non face-to face interaction if possible.  When you see her, I'd be cordial, but no more than that.  And I would get on the same page with FI as to how close of a relationship you have with her in the future.

quiggels219

I literally have dreams of coming right back at my fmil - but I don't do it - if I do than I'm no better than her. Instead I have as little of communication as possible - if something she says or emails really bothers me I simply walk away without responding or do not respond to the email - if she brings it up I have said sorry that message must have gotten lost or sent to spam - weird and again walk away. I wouldn't be nice but I wouldn't be like her either. GL!

inhisname2010

Don't stoop to her level. I wouldn't go above and beyond but dont be a you know what about it. Let her be the you know what. Take the higher road...it will be worth it in the long run.

meganb1977

Ditto pp's.  Avoid communication and have everything go through your fiance as much as possible.  Don't go above and beyond, but definitely take the higher road no matter how much you are tempted to do otherwise.

Honeybumble

I wouldn't act like nothing happened, because then she gets away with it. Just keep it curt. Simple, one-word answers, not much eye-contact, and neutral body language. If she sees you friendly and cheerful with others, she'll get it.

blgrout

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2012-weddings_wwyd-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:05427f07-4ba2-44d6-9271-99a7af1ee5c0Discussion:d61ef299-92e0-4834-86f2-c4406fb7a3bePost:ba11d26e-45d2-4729-9422-d9a54e058ec2">Re: WWYD-FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't act like nothing happened, because then she gets away with it. Just keep it curt. Simple, one-word answers, not much eye-contact, and neutral body language. If she sees you friendly and cheerful with others, she'll get it.
Posted by Honeybumble[/QUOTE]

this.  Although I really, REALLY, REALLY, wanted to tell you to be snarky and mean to her.  But I it would be better to be the mature adult and not stoop to her level. 

em01092

Thanks ladies for all of your replies! I pretty much knew that was the way to go, but I always like hearing an outside opinion or two. 

FI totally understands and he is actually not very close with his mom. He knows she is kind of crazy, and that she has a tendency to go on and on about things no one cares about. He has been tuning her out for the past 30 years haha. He thinks I am totally justified for not wanting to be all buddy buddy with her because of what she said to me, and he says we'll just keep it civil and to a minimum. 

I still say that as soon as we tell her we're pregnant, she'll change her tune. 

laurmd

I'm glad you chose to go this route. My FMIL is Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond. Even FI admits that. The easy thing to do is to stoop to her level but that would never do any good for you, FI or your future relationship with the family.

I"ve learned to keep talk about the wedding, and well most of life, to myself. I have a don't ask dont tell policy with her. She has told FI that she feels left out of my life, so I made an effort to start talking to her about more specific things, and she criticized me again about things. Its about finding the perfect balance I guess.

Good luck, and I hope the next two months, and the rest of your relationship with FMIL go as smooth as possible. And I don't want to burst your bubble but I wouldn't count on a baby turning things around. If she's like my FMIL, she will tell you the correct way of raising children (like she is to FIs siblings). Hopefully that willl be a better situation -  don't want to depress you but give you a realistic expectation for the future.

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2012-weddings_wwyd-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:05427f07-4ba2-44d6-9271-99a7af1ee5c0Discussion:d61ef299-92e0-4834-86f2-c4406fb7a3bePost:03449de4-55a5-4850-94d7-42f320d3776e">Re: WWYD-FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm glad you chose to go this route. My FMIL is Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond. Even FI admits that. The easy thing to do is to stoop to her level but that would never do any good for you, FI or your future relationship with the family. I"ve learned to keep talk about the wedding, and well most of life, to myself. I have a don't ask dont tell policy with her. She has told FI that she feels left out of my life, so I made an effort to start talking to her about more specific things, and she criticized me again about things. Its about finding the perfect balance I guess. Good luck, and I hope the next two months, and the rest of your relationship with FMIL go as smooth as possible.<strong> And I don't want to burst your bubble but I wouldn't count on a baby turning things around. If she's like my FMIL, she will tell you the correct way of raising children (like she is to FIs siblings). Hopefully that willl be a better situation -  don't want to depress you but give you a realistic expectation for the future.</strong>
Posted by laurmd[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh no I am completely aware of this. What I meant was she is not currently speaking to us and she said she doesn't need any emails/phone calls "for a long time." We realize she is being partially silly here, since we MUST talk with her somewhat about wedding stuff, but she is just not really wanting anything to do with us. What I meant was as soon as a baby is in the picture, she will suddenly want us back in her life. Not that we'll coming running or anything haha. </div>

mybestfriend4eva

Im with everyone else be cordial when you are around each other and leave it at that for now. Maybe after the wedding things will calm down but until then I would just go on with your life and your wedding plans and only talk to her when needed. I know its hard to say but sometimes its just for the best to take a break and walk away. I know you will have to talk some about the wedding but i would leave it at that for now. Just let things cool down since she is obviously someone who normal reasoning wont work with. Again im so sorry girlie and I hope all will work out and get better for you.

cdbishop

I agree, be cordial. Be the bigger person.  The situation will be worse if you are snarky.