It's just really hard to make a hard-and-fast rule, which is why some level of subjectivity can (and in my opinion, should) come into effect.
If you say "engaged-and-married-only", then you skip all couples who would be common law (say my aunt and her 'husband' who have 2 kids but never got married). That's hardly fair.
So then you expand it to "living-together" but then you've got those impulsive couples who aren't really serious but are co-habitating, whereas your friends who have been dating years and years aren't living together and thus don't count. Or you have situations where someone is engaged to someone they haven't known that long, but someone else is dating but not living with their boyfriend of 4 years. Really, there is an awful lot of grey zone that is not covered by hard and fast rules.
I will make rules for when they absolutely should get a "plus one" (as I said, if they're engaged/married, or if they don't know many people who will be there). Other than that, it will probably be decided case-by-case, with a tendency to give a "plus one" rather than not. If I know them well enough to invite them to my wedding then I should probably be able to find out if they're dating someone who they would like to have considered as a "plus one".
And I stand by that my 15 cousins and BF's 60 (not a typo) do not need to be invited with "plus 1" unless they're engaged or married. I really don't need to have 75 people there that no one has ever met, and it won't be like they'll be lonely - it's like any other family holiday.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_wr-reception-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:919fe6d4-949d-479f-9888-4aa429bdae2dPost:eb8c9530-1607-4b11-accd-555acc316c66">Re: WR: Reception Question</a>: [QUOTE]I am definitely capable of doing something on my own without my BF, Goldlie, but I don't see why our relationship of 3 years would be ignored just because we don't live together, and someone who had been dating for 6 months and living together world be invited. Posted by Narwhal[/QUOTE] <div>Of course you are. I just said that it wouldn't have bothered me. </div>
Wow, this is what I get for leaving for a while. At the moment for our guests, we don't have any that have been dating for a while. Most of our guests are married, living together, or not seeing anyone. Our list is all family with a few friends. Those friends happen live with their SOs.
I realize I'm a year away, and someone can get into a relationship that gets serious. I guess we'll take it on a case by case basis. As it stands, we're inviting a plus one to those who are married, engaged or living together.
I'm not trying to do wrong by people or disrespecting anyone's beliefs. I mentioned what my FI and I were doing for our guests, not what everyone else should do. Etiquette states that married, engaged and live in partners must be invited together.
Edit: I went back and read what I wrote and can see how it got confusing. What I was trying to say is that I'm uncomfortable trying to determine who is serious and who is not. What would really give me the right (or anyone)?
If you put a strict time limit, you're screwed. I know that I casually dated a guy for almost a year. FI and I were exclusive and serious after about 2 months. So where is the happy balance?
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_wr-reception-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:919fe6d4-949d-479f-9888-4aa429bdae2dPost:cbcb7004-b362-43e7-b928-ac31e66f71c1">Re: WR: Reception Question</a>: [QUOTE]One of my good friends from college got married, and there were 9 of us in my group of girls. None of us were invited "and guest" (mind you DH and I got engaged 2 months prior to the wedding). I thought it was extremely rude, but I got over it, we were all going to be able to sit together. When we got to the reception, we were the only group of her friends that was not invited with a guest - that really ticked me off. Its not about being able to be alone Goldie, its about what is the right thing to do. Posted by rickylee244[/QUOTE] With all due respect, I don't see how that is similar to what I'm doing.
I don't think anyone was saying that a strict time limit but the fact that a couple is living together doesn't mean that they are more serious then say a couple that has been dating for 2 years. We aren't telling you what you can or can't do but just offering another perspective.
Jeana actually reminded me about the special meal. I was at a friend's wedding, and it was a Vietnamese banquet. There's wasn't a lot I could eat, but I figured we'd just grab a late night snack on the way home. The groom actually came by and asked if I had been given my vegetarian plate. I hadn't, but it got taken care of, and I had a yummy vegetarian plate. Honey walnut faux prawns are delicious!
Definitely different than tiered meals though. That's just accommodating special dietary requests. They didn't have to do that for me, but it was really nice of them.
When one if my friends got married three years ago, she had a head table with her, her husband, and the wedding party. We had become good friends too late in the game for her to have me in the wedding party (which she still regrets. By the end of it all she didn't even like a few of the people that were standing up with her anymore), so she did her utmost to convince her mom to let me sit up with the bridesmaids since the only people I knew werein the wedding party. Her mom wouldn't have it though, so I ended up sitting, alone, for four hours with her parents and extended family.
During dinner they first let me know that it was my fault that there wasn't a second meat option (my friend changed part of the menu for me) and glared at me even though I didn't have anything to do with the decision. Then when they asked me what field in veterinary medicine I was hoping to get into they lambasted me for wanting to go into small animal care because I won't make money and those types of vets are a dime a dozen (her exact words). When I informed her that I already had a job lined up and would eventually gain ownership of a hospital through my former boss, she said, "Oh so THERE it is. It's not what you know, it's who you know! Won't even have to be any good."
Needless to say I was quite insulted. I didn't even know that lady's name for crying out loud! Probably shouldn't have said as much as I did but I felt cornered. That night sucked so hard.
Yes I realize that this is only very loosely related. It just reminded me and I'm mad all over again and gonna go eat a cookie. :P
Re: WR: Reception Question
If you say "engaged-and-married-only", then you skip all couples who would be common law (say my aunt and her 'husband' who have 2 kids but never got married). That's hardly fair.
So then you expand it to "living-together" but then you've got those impulsive couples who aren't really serious but are co-habitating, whereas your friends who have been dating years and years aren't living together and thus don't count. Or you have situations where someone is engaged to someone they haven't known that long, but someone else is dating but not living with their boyfriend of 4 years. Really, there is an awful lot of grey zone that is not covered by hard and fast rules.
I will make rules for when they absolutely should get a "plus one" (as I said, if they're engaged/married, or if they don't know many people who will be there). Other than that, it will probably be decided case-by-case, with a tendency to give a "plus one" rather than not. If I know them well enough to invite them to my wedding then I should probably be able to find out if they're dating someone who they would like to have considered as a "plus one".
And I stand by that my 15 cousins and BF's 60 (not a typo) do not need to be invited with "plus 1" unless they're engaged or married. I really don't need to have 75 people there that no one has ever met, and it won't be like they'll be lonely - it's like any other family holiday.
[QUOTE]I am definitely capable of doing something on my own without my BF, Goldlie, but I don't see why our relationship of 3 years would be ignored just because we don't live together, and someone who had been dating for 6 months and living together world be invited.
Posted by Narwhal[/QUOTE]
<div>Of course you are. I just said that it wouldn't have bothered me. </div>
[QUOTE]One of my good friends from college got married, and there were 9 of us in my group of girls. None of us were invited "and guest" (mind you DH and I got engaged 2 months prior to the wedding). I thought it was extremely rude, but I got over it, we were all going to be able to sit together. When we got to the reception, we were the only group of her friends that was not invited with a guest - that really ticked me off. Its not about being able to be alone Goldie, its about what is the right thing to do.
Posted by rickylee244[/QUOTE]
With all due respect, I don't see how that is similar to what I'm doing.
Definitely different than tiered meals though. That's just accommodating special dietary requests. They didn't have to do that for me, but it was really nice of them.
I haz a planning bio
During dinner they first let me know that it was my fault that there wasn't a second meat option (my friend changed part of the menu for me) and glared at me even though I didn't have anything to do with the decision. Then when they asked me what field in veterinary medicine I was hoping to get into they lambasted me for wanting to go into small animal care because I won't make money and those types of vets are a dime a dozen (her exact words). When I informed her that I already had a job lined up and would eventually gain ownership of a hospital through my former boss, she said, "Oh so THERE it is. It's not what you know, it's who you know! Won't even have to be any good."
Needless to say I was quite insulted. I didn't even know that lady's name for crying out loud! Probably shouldn't have said as much as I did but I felt cornered. That night sucked so hard.
Yes I realize that this is only very loosely related. It just reminded me and I'm mad all over again and gonna go eat a cookie. :P