School and distance :-(

Klouthain

Hey guys!!

I have never posted on these boards before but I have been "lurking" for quite a while haha.  I had something I need some advice on.  But first I will introduce myself and tell you all a little about me and my awesome guy haha.  I am 21 years old and currently in school.  I will be graduating in 2013 and then plan to go on to grad school.
I have a wonderful boyfriend named Dane and we have been together for two years.  He is just about perfect for me and we have always been serious, and were contemplating whether we were compatible for marriage from very early on, as we were great friends first and when we got together it was like fireworks haha :-)
So basically where we are at now is that we are both in school (in different states) and we both want to go to grad school and maybe even beyond that.  We know for sure we want to wait until he is at least graduated with his bachelor's (he graduates next year) so we could be looking at a wedding in anywhere from a year and a half to maybe even five years :-(  Normally I wouldn't mind waiting that long, but this would mean that we would also be going to different grad schools in different states and would be doing long distance for another 4-5 ish years :-( anyone who has ever done long distance knows how hard it is too.

So basically I was just wondering if anyone else has school and/or distance getting in the way of your relationship and how you deal with it?  We are pretty good at it for the most part, but I have no idea what I am going to do if we have to continue with long distance for another 5 ish years.  I don't know if I can do that...
So any advice would be very much appreciated!! :-)

Thanks!!!  And I am really excited about my first post! haha I cant wait to get to know you guys!

PandaBurr

I would definitely say do what you need to do for yourself, and don't sacrifice your goals for the relationship. It will only lead to regrets. If your relationship is strong enough, it will survive the distance. But please please please do not give up on what YOU want because you're afraid of the long distance relationship. Have faith in your relationship, and if it works out, then that's perfect. If not, you still got to live your life and acheive your goals without making any sacrifices. Do what's best for YOU first, and then worry about the relationship.

aah009

Hey! I posted for my first time tonight too. Welcome:) I am also in a "kind of" long distance relationship. He's two hours away from me but I see him just about every weekend. Anywho, you need to put your education first. Maybe yall could end up in the same state for Grad School? But if your love is strong then it will last. Just put your trust in faith and it will guide you to the right pathway!

jeanacorina

First of all, the question of whether you can do long distance for another 5 years is a legitimate one. You also need to consider what is more important to you- being close to him or attending your first-choice school?

This is a pretty significant tension between two priorities, but it's not incredibly unusual. I spent 3 years long-distance with DH (when we were bf/gf), and when we were really DONE being long-distance, nothing could have kept us from one another. If, when you guys are really DONE being long-distance, you feel something else is more important than being together, you may need to reevaluate your relationship. Maybe the timing is wrong, or maybe what's there just isn't strong enough to be top priority.

It really comes down to balancing your life. What are you willing to put up with in order to have a relationship with your BF? What are you absolutely NOT willing to give up? What opportunities for compromise might there be?

Most importantly- don't feel like you HAVE to plan out the next 5 years of your relationship. It's really okay to say "We're happy with each other but we're not in a position to settle down right now." One of the best ways I found for dealing with long distance was to keep in touch a lot- play games together online, video chat, call just to say hi... little things to feel like the distance isn't so far. Planning ahead for the next time you'll visit each other is great, too. Instead of looking forward to 5 years from now when you're both done with school, just look forward to 5 months from now when you'll see each other for a week (or whatever). It helps to focus on the smaller things. The big stuff gets overwhelming and you could start putting unnecessary pressure on yourself.

bourgehm

Here's my advice. Take it or leave it.

Don't get engaged until you KNOW for sure you'll be done with school and that you'll be able to get into a grad school near your BF. You may not get into a school close to your BF, and then you'll be stuck being engaged for 5 years. And trust, me, it's not ideal.  You don't want to get engaged now if you aren't certain you'll be getting married within a descent time frame.  My advice is to wait to be engaged until you two have a timeline in place.

Exibit A: "I'll graduate undergrad and move to ____ city and marry BF during that summer between undergrad and grad school (which I've already gotten accepted into)." GOOD time to get engaged.

Exibit B: "I'll graduate undergrad and move to _____ city and marry bf between undergrad and grad. But... I never got accepted into grad school... And oh man, I don't want to do that yet. And oh oh, BF got into a grad school 5 hours away..." BAD time to get engaged.

Wait until you know that you'll be engaged for only a year (or two) before you get engaged. You get the point...

Now, here's my experience:
I got engaged 2 years ago. I was planning to get married this past year. But, two months before the wedding date, I realized I didn't get into the school I was oging to transfer to and FI didn't have a job in time. Sooo, now we'll be engaged  for 4 years because we'll have to wait until after I graduate.   Also, FI and I are long distance. We call each other a lot, and see each other often enough, but it still sucks. 4 years just isn't ideal. If I could do it over, I would have waited until we were for sure certain that I could transfer and for sure certain that FI would have a job.

LDR can be done! FI and I have been together for 3.5 years now (all of it LDR). It just takes lots of patience and trust. Patience and trust are the two things that are the most important.  Oh, also, instead of thinking "AHHH MAN! I don't get to see Jeff today! " and getting all sad, I try to have the mindset of "Well this one day apart means we're one day closer to seeing each other again!"  Also, picking dates to see each other again really help. Then  you have a certain date to look forward to to be together again.

PM me if you want, whenever!

Klouthain

Thanks so much for all the advice you guys! I really really helped!  Just getting encouraging words from people that have done it and gotten through it really helps. 

And I think for sure it would be a good idea to wait till we know for SURE where were going and where we will both be.  That was great advice.
I get to see him in two weeks for four whole days!!!! that is what I am looking forward to right now haha

[Deleted User]

Long distance is no fun at all.  Mine will only end up being a year, but it has been very tough.  Especially this semester, I get to see him once for TWO DAYS this whole semester! It was also really hard going from living with him to being long distance.  While the distance has really tested our relationship, it has also made it a lot stronger.  If your relationship is getting stronger then you two are in a good spot and it's ok to talk about engagement and plan for the future.

Snail mail is an awesome way to stay in touch.  I LOVE sending BF little things in the mail, be it letters or small care packages.  It is very refreshing to the long distance when he calls me surprised about his mail.  That, on top of skype, texting, calling, and internet dates really helps with the distance. 

You can try to find a grad school, or grad schools in the same area, that both of you want to attend.  I agree with PP that it is better to remain BF/GF than to have a very long engagement.  Your engagement is a very special time that both of you should spend and celebrate together.  I know how hard it is, and you have a lot of girls here (including me) that you can message when it gets tough.

hp100827

Hey girl!
I am in a similar situation (though somewhat diffent)

My boyfriend and I will most likely be engaged this year and planning to get married next may. He finished school 4 years ago but I wont finish nursing school until next year. We live 5 hours apart and it is very difficult with the demands orf his job and my school to see one another.

Some may disagree with  me but honestly.... I would say: If it is possible for you two to transfer schools or apply to grad schools close by so that perhaps you could be married sooner it would prbably be the most ideal. I have applied to transfer into a nursing program near where he lives so that we can be closer.  Long distance relationships work if you really love one another but they certainly aren't ideal. And you know what... we think "oh well...there is nothing we can do about it right now" but if we really think about it...we can always come up with an alternative.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_school-distance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:956f4ac6-a174-497a-bee4-d4b3a0e0d8efPost:92043781-f6ae-4179-b07a-adb7de4a0db6">Re: School and distance :-(</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey girl! I am in a similar situation (though somewhat diffent) My boyfriend and I will most likely be engaged this year and planning to get married next may. He finished school 4 years ago but I wont finish nursing school until next year. We live 5 hours apart and it is very difficult with the demands orf his job and my school to see one another. <strong>Some may disagree with  me but honestly.... I would say: If it is possible for you two to transfer schools or apply to grad schools close by so that perhaps you could be married sooner it would prbably be the most ideal. I have applied to transfer into a nursing program near where he lives so that we can be closer.  Long distance relationships work if you really love one another but they certainly aren't ideal. And you know what... we think "oh well...there is nothing we can do about it right now" but if we really think about it...we can always come up with an alternative. :)
</strong>Posted by hp100827[/QUOTE]

I think this can work, but it all comes down to priorities. Is it more important that you advance into the next stage of your relationship <em>right now</em> and try to work school in around that, or that you postpone marriage for a little while longer? I honestly do think there can be a balance between the two sometimes, but remember that you have nothing to lose by waiting for marriage. Yes, LDR are hard but as PP said, they can really strengthen your relationship a great deal. And who doesn't want to enter marriage with an already strong relationship?

KayGB2012

Klouthain, I'm a bit of a lurker, too. I started lurking on here months ago but didn't start posting until I got engaged.

I definitely know how you feel about planning for school and being long distance. FI and I have been long distance for all but 2 months of our relationship and I'll be graduating in May 2012. I've known since I was about 15 that I wanted to get my MSN and become a midwife and made that clear to FI early in our relationship. As luck would have it, when FI got back from deployment he was restationed about 30 minutes from my top choice of grad school. I hate being away from him, but now I feel confident that I can marry FI and still do the one thing that was always most important to me.

My advice is about the same as PP. Wait to get engaged until you're sure you can get married in an acceptable time frame for you. Being LDR for 5 more years can seem like forever at times, but it's doable.
Good luck!

luvdncn90

I have been long distance with my BF for about three years now and we are looking at anywhere from a few more months to maybe even a year, depending on where he can get a job after his college graduation this May.

I know how hard it is, but for us the best choice was waiting until he is graduated from college and I will be almost graduated to get engaged. We wanted to get the experience of living on our own and being financially independent and stable before we made such a big commitement. For us is is extremely important. We have discussed getting engaged by the end of 2012, and either of us transferring schools to be together has not been an option.

You have a few options, you could try to get into a school closer to him and myabe get married sooner or you could try to tough it out. Long distance is very hard. It's definitely not for the faint of heart, but in the end it makes you stronger as a couple and stronger as a person. If you can do long distance for a long period of time, you can do pretty much anything!


Best of luck to you.

Klouthain

I kind of feel that at this point it would be better for us to focus on our goals.  The reason we are actually doing long distance is becasue we were initially going to the same school and it wasn't working out for me at all.  I had to change majors and I couldn't afford to stay there any extra years.  The only reason I had to stay at that school was him.  But I wanted to focus on what I wanted too.  So I transferred.
It wouldn't really make sense to transfer closer to him now cuz he will be there for much shorter than me.  I sooo wish we could do that though.
I am very confident in our relationship at this point though and can really see us getting through it, but we both want to be in a good place with our education and finacially.  I am soooo passionate about what I want to do with my life (Occupational Therapy) so I want to make that a priority.  Just getting to the end of the long distance is the hard part.   In the end we would be happier if we both have jobs we love.  And we know for sure we want kids in the future so we want to be stable financially before we get married.
Thank you sooo much for all the advise!

PandaBurr

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_school-distance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:956f4ac6-a174-497a-bee4-d4b3a0e0d8efPost:0306d073-0ae5-4374-a451-30b8632ba1d8">Re: School and distance :-(</a>:
[QUOTE]I kind of feel that at this point it would be better for us to focus on our goals.  The reason we are actually doing long distance is becasue we were initially going to the same school and it wasn't working out for me at all.  I had to change majors and I couldn't afford to stay there any extra years.  The only reason I had to stay at that school was him.  But I wanted to focus on what I wanted too.  So I transferred. It wouldn't really make sense to transfer closer to him now cuz he will be there for much shorter than me.  I sooo wish we could do that though. I am very confident in our relationship at this point though and can really see us getting through it, but we both want to be in a good place with our education and finacially.  I am soooo passionate about what I want to do with my life (Occupational Therapy) so I want to make that a priority.  Just getting to the end of the long distance is the hard part.   In the end we would be happier if we both have jobs we love.  And we know for sure we want kids in the future so we want to be stable financially before we get married. Thank you sooo much for all the <em>advise</em>!
Posted by Klouthain[/QUOTE]

Other than your little typo at the end, I really like you. And that's rare for me. Good for you for following your goals.

bethsmiles

I moved to be closer to my BF because we knew that we would be waiting a long time to get married and we wanted to be close to each other during that time. I hated doing long distance for even the 8 months that we did. I love my school and I love where I've moved to. There have been some really stressful times during this first year here though. I think that every couple and each person in that couple has to figure out what is right for them. Its important to focus on your goals and you sound like you both know what you want and have good heads on your shoulders. You should stick around

Klouthain

Aw thanks you guys! :-)
Seriously this has really helped!  I feel like I have a boost to get through everything!

[Deleted User]

Good luck with the long distance, you can get through it.  Whenever it gets tough, just start a complaining thread, and all us long-distancers can complain about it together

jeanacorina

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_school-distance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:956f4ac6-a174-497a-bee4-d4b3a0e0d8efPost:1eeb1dab-c15f-4690-8a1f-5d7d76283671">Re: School and distance :-(</a>:
[QUOTE]Good luck with the long distance, you can get through it.  Whenever it gets tough, just start a complaining thread, and all us long-distancers can complain about it together :)
Posted by amsybot[/QUOTE]


And those of us who have been there, done that, and lived to tell the tale can give you a slap upside the head when necessary. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />