Fear of Failure...Again

k8egrrl

I have a fear that I need some advice on.

My boyfriend and I have talked about the possibilities of us getting married someday (we are not engaged yet.)  The only problem is, he has been married before and it didn't work out.  He has promised me that he won't string me along or waste my time since he knows that getting married is something I really want.  He has told me that, if we do get married, it won't be for (at most) another 2 years.  I guess my fear is that I'm worried that, because of his first marriage being a failure, he won't want to marry again for fear that it will end like the first.  I understand his fears, but that doesn't shake mine.

Any advice???

heyimbren

It already sounds like you two are good at talking things through with each other, which is great. And he's being honest with you about his aprehensions.

How much have you two talked about this? How does he feel about the possibility of marriage? The impression I get from your post is he's open to the consideration someitme in the future. Do you think you two could benefit from counselling? It might be a good way for you two to try and work out both your fears and see where you end up.

I think it is important for you to give him some time to figure out his desires and how he feels about this. This is something that he can come around to with time. But that's not saying you should wait around forever either.

bethsmiles

Has he told you he doesn't want to get married? Has he said that he is afraid that if he gets married again it will end in divorce? Or are you making assumptions?

This is something you should be able to talk to him about. I have a good friend whose FI was previously married and before they got engaged they had several talks about why his first marriage ended, what part he played in that, and what has changed since then. They were open and honest with each other and are fully confident in their decision to get married. They are also doing pre-marital counseling - which I think everyone should do.

calindi

It sounds like he's at least open with you about his concerns, which is great.  I can understand your worries, too, and it's perfectly fine to let him know that you're happy to give him time, but you're worried that you DO want to get married, and at some point that would become an issue if he decided that he didn't.

For what it's worth, my Mom's Dad had a really bad divorce (my Mom's Mom is rather nuts).  And he met a wonderful woman who had two sons and had also gone through an abusive marriage and rough divorce.  They never planned on getting married since they both had been burned so bad the first time.  Then their ex's conspired to break them apart, so they got married just to spite them.  That's right, their marriage was born in spite - not what I'd recommend to anyone!  Yet at the end of the day, they've been together 30 years and are truly the happiest couple I've ever seen.  Rather than repeat their mistakes, they learned from what went wrong the first time and were able to build a really strong foundation that they both believe wouldn't have been possible if they had met each other first. 

Be patient, talk to each other, and seek counseling (together or apart) to help you figure out your priorities and how to approach this difference in opinion.

Good luck!

desertsun

Does he keep his promises to you? Is he there when you need him? Does he listen to you and support you? Do you have fun together? Can you be honest with each other?

Look at these kinds of behaviors. They will tell you better than any words how much he loves you and wants to be with you, and how strong your relationship is. You must have a strong foundation of honesty, respect, and TRUST.

Listen to your gut. If you have doubts, there may be a good reason for that. Try to figure out what's bothering you and talk to him, calmly, openly, and honestly so that he has an opportunity to address your concerns verbally, and then to work on any behavior or actions that are worrying you.

I think you have a reasonable bit of anxiety, but no one here is going to be able to tell you how your relationship will work out long term. We know nothing about you or your guy. 

The best possible thing you can do is be really honest with yourself and with him.

GL!

DanieKA

I understand where you are coming from. My boyfriend was previously engaged and I had some major anxiety about it previously. But the PP's have given you some excellent advice. I know a lot of people don't see the need for counseling before you get married, or even if things are going well, but I'm a firm believer in therapy. 

But like PP's have said, he seems to be open to talking, and from what you've said has been honest about not stringing you along or leading you on because he knows that getting married is important to you. 

Make sure these are true issues and not just your insecurities coming out. Plenty of people mess up with their first marriages (choosing the wrong person, immaturity, cheating, just plain growing apart) and go on to have very successful relationships and marriages. The fact that he's taking his time with you, but is still talks about the future and getting married is a good thing. Better to get married three years from now and have a great foundation and strong relationship, then get married in 1 year and struggle/possibly not make it.

k8egrrl

Thank you, all of you, for your words of wisdom and opinions.

We have talked about why his first marriage failed and how he has changed and grown as a man. And I have expressed to him how I feel about him and the man that he is, not who he was.  I guess my main worry (because it's been done to me before) is that when it does come time for us to seriously talk about marriage, that he will think I will do to him what his first wife did.  That I will be punished for her wrongdoings.  He has assured me that he would never do that to me, but I can't help but worry about that.

I love him very much and can't imagine my life without him.  He has been there for me through everything that could or has come my way. I truly couldn't have chosen a better man to want to share my life with, even if I had made hime myself.  I just hope that these fears and worries will pass with time, so that I don't do to him what I don't want done to me.

heyimbren

From your second post, it sounds like he's definitely open to marriage in the future at some time. That's good.

The impression I'm getting is that this is an insecurity taking root. Don't let it- unless he's actually exhibiting signs of being unsure about you or marriage in general, don't assume anything. And use this time to strengthen your relationship to the point where you will both be ready for marriage.

feelslikeadream

Aww you said "even if I had made him myself".  This was exactly how I use to describe my FI...that he is a better man than if I had made him myself.

That is truly so sweet.

I love the fact that you guys are able to talk things out together.