Hitting me up for money to pay for your wedding (a rant)

musikbx

Ok, I am a generally open minded person. I'm no miss manners, and half of the wedding etiquette stuff I could really care less about. Mostly because I don't plan on having a wedding of my own (will probably JOP it)

However, I just got a facebook invite that rubbed me the wrong way.

It advertises itself as a "joint birthday party" for the couple, because their birthdays are three days apart. It is for a friend that lives overseas, that I met while I was abroad two summers ago. I open the invite and see that it is happening in two weeks in Europe. As I live in the states, this is an event that I can obviously not attend.

I continue reading. After the birthday party description, it tells us to please skip any gifts - all that matters is friendship. It goes on further to say something to the effect of "and as many of you know, we are saving up to get married." It explains that while they don't want any gifts, they would gladly accept donations. Then, there is a helpful paypal link.


You know, I'm not opposed to this situation in it's individual parts...

Inviting me to a party you know I can't attend? Cute, because it makes me feel like you want me there.

Disguising your engagement party as a birthday party because you don't want to seem like you are AW'ing? I can appreciate the sentiment that went into this idea.

Facebook invitation to your engagement party? Totally fine with me.

Asking for donations for your wedding? Hey, I can even get on board with this if it's done somewhat tactfully.

Facebook invitation to an engagement party disguised as a birthday party that you know I can't attend, that is blatantly asking for money? Pretty damn irksome.


Rant over. Thoughts?

calindi

I wouldn't be okay with the asking for donations for the wedding.  Otherwise, I agree with your assessment.  Lame!

musikbx

Yeah, this friend is quite the starving artist... so I wouldn't have been totally opposed to helping her out.

Though it brings up the whole topic of whether or not they should be getting married, with their current financial situation... but I feel like that's none of my business.

LadyColeman

I dont think that a "financial situation" has anything to do with love or marriage.. but How tacky!! If you cant afford it go to the court house!!! Your family and friends shouldnt be charged with your plans for "happlily ever after"

musikbx

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hitting-up-money-pay-wedding-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9bb620e2-35c6-49d5-865f-f9a16fbbd212Post:d0bc55b1-c0dd-4e6e-aa24-e41f7cde3778">Re: Hitting me up for money to pay for your wedding (a rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I dont think that a "financial situation" has anything to do with love or marriage</strong>.. but How tacky!! If you cant afford it go to the court house!!! Your family and friends shouldnt be charged with your plans for "happlily ever after"
Posted by LadyColeman[/QUOTE]

I was thinking about that after I pressed submit. What I should have said was "it brings up the whole topic of whether or not they should be having a wedding, with their current financial situation."

Though it's still none of my business. Just annoying, the way she's going about asking for money.

aperitisa

I went to one of those stupid stag/stagette/jack and jill parties a couple of years ago.  I was a bridesmaid so I'm already putting a bunch of money into the wedding and then they host this party where we had to pay an door fee ($5), bring a dish to pass, and then play gambling games and whatever we lost, the bride and groom got to keep.  Pardon?   They "raised" like $1500 for the wedding.  

My personal opinion is that if you can't afford the wedding you want, DON'T HAVE IT.

/end rant.

SeaTea02

I woud just laugh and hit "not attending"

aperitisa

Oh, and to answer your question....yes, v. tacky. 

[Deleted User]

The PayPal part COMPLETELY pushed me over the edge.  Wow.

desertsun

I don't think it's ever okay to ask others to fund your wedding. JMO.

aperitisa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hitting-up-money-pay-wedding-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9bb620e2-35c6-49d5-865f-f9a16fbbd212Post:c6500681-609a-431d-bf90-4a4190f6bd63">Re: Hitting me up for money to pay for your wedding (a rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think it's ever okay to ask others to fund your wedding. JMO.
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]
Totally agree.

Roo726

ok, you should definetely donate like $1.00!  Taking the high road? No, not at all....still fun though!  It's like when I tip change at a restaurant.  It speaks more to me then no tip at all.  But sometimes I am bratty like that.

TACKY TACKY TACKY.  not to mention during tough economic times people are always being hit up for this cause and that cause as it is.  Their wedding is probably pretty low on the donation category for most friends and family.

musikbx

Was planning on ignoring the invite, maybe going for the "Not Attending". That's about as much snark as I think I can lay down on this one. I hate to burn the bridge... even if it is rude and disrespectful bridge.

The part that really surprised me? She has a lot of comments on the event wall along the lines of "Tee hee! I would come but I don't even live on the same continent, you silly head! I will totally donate to your cause though!".

So, I guess it worked out pretty well for her.

Sigh...

leia1979

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hitting-up-money-pay-wedding-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9bb620e2-35c6-49d5-865f-f9a16fbbd212Post:70873919-af6b-4d1a-b6e5-90564edcda70">Re: Hitting me up for money to pay for your wedding (a rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]I went to one of those stupid stag/stagette/jack and jill parties a couple of years ago.  I was a bridesmaid so I'm already putting a bunch of money into the wedding and then they host this party where we had to pay an door fee ($5), bring a dish to pass, and then play gambling games and whatever we lost, the bride and groom got to keep.  Pardon?   They "raised" like $1500 for the wedding.   My personal opinion is that if you can't afford the wedding you want, DON'T HAVE IT. /end rant.
Posted by aperitisa[/QUOTE]

Seriously? If one of my friends ever suggested such a thing I would totally smack him or her upside the head.

I can't imagine why anyone would want to attend such a thing (unless you're in the WP and feel obligated, of course).

musikbx

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hitting-up-money-pay-wedding-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9bb620e2-35c6-49d5-865f-f9a16fbbd212Post:0c51d087-ff0f-4a84-91e2-16d84d2aabe3">Re: Hitting me up for money to pay for your wedding (a rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hitting me up for money to pay for your wedding (a rant) : Seriously? If one of my friends ever suggested such a thing I would totally smack him or her upside the head.<strong> I can't imagine why anyone would want to attend such a thing (unless you're in the WP and feel obligated, of course).</strong>
Posted by leia1979[/QUOTE]

Probably for the same reason that someone would actually donate to a "fund my wedding" paypal account.

leia1979

Good point. Seriously, if I wanted to give you money, I'll hand (or mail) you a card with a check inside! And it won't be because you asked!

musikbx

It's funny that you mention that leia.

When she got engaged I wanted to send her a small check, as an early gift.

Not so much, after that invite.

GreenPepperBurger

Tacky all around, no matter which way you dice it.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hitting-up-money-pay-wedding-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9bb620e2-35c6-49d5-865f-f9a16fbbd212Post:b5ec7962-381e-41c6-b1e8-eccd24520eb5">Re: Hitting me up for money to pay for your wedding (a rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]It's funny that you mention that leia. When she got engaged I wanted to send her a small check, as an early gift. Not so much, after that invite.
Posted by musikbx[/QUOTE]

Weird how that works eh?

It really bothers me when people fundraise for their wedding. I understand that times are hard and all, but that's no excuse to shake people down for money. If I'm aware that you're financial circumstances are that hard and I want to help contribute I'll drop off an anonymous envelope of money at your house. It isn't the giving of the money that bothers me, but the attitude.

I don't go to Jack and Jills or anything like that. To be fair, I haven't been invited by anyone close. Just facebook invites to parties of people I barely know. But it does rub me the wrong way. Especially this one musikbx.

loves2shop4shoes

SO tacky!  I'm 100% with Desertsun...under no circumstances should anyone ask someone else to fund their wedding.  If people OFFER, that's one thing, but if they don't and you can't afford a pretty princess day, your options are to have a long engagement and save OR to JOP.

Goldlie11

Wow! I read about some of the tackiest sh!t here on the knot.  I don't believe in wedding fundraising.  And this is coming from someone whose wedding is be paid for by her FI and herself.  

 I do think it's okay to ask your parents about their contribution only one time if it has been understood that they will contribute.  Some families let it be known that there is a wedding fund or that the parents intend to pay.  In that case, I think it's okay to bring it up.  

KD+BC

1) That is incredibly tacky and it makes my brain hurt.
2) I believe that if you can't afford a wedding, you shouldn't have it.
3) I do think a "financial situation" has everything do do with a marriage. Love don't pay the bills. A marriage is about love but it is also a legal merging of assets. You take on your spouses income and debt and vice versa. It's important that financial decisions are made together.
4) aperitisa: I had never heard of a "Jack and Jill" like this until joining the knot. In my circle, a Jack and Jill just means that the guys come too. That is the most ridiculous idea I've ever heard.
5) Roo: WTF. Why don't you tip your waiter/waitress? In my opinion, you should always tip at least 15%. If your service was so bad that you feel it warrants no tip, you need to take up the issue with the manager. If you can't afford to tip at least 15$, don't go out to eat.

Roo726

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hitting-up-money-pay-wedding-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9bb620e2-35c6-49d5-865f-f9a16fbbd212Post:b6770b84-625e-4f6a-975d-9eb277f8977d">Re: Hitting me up for money to pay for your wedding (a rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]1) That is incredibly tacky and it makes my brain hurt. 2) I believe that if you can't afford a wedding, you shouldn't have it. 3) I do think a "financial situation" has everything do do with a marriage. Love don't pay the bills. A marriage is about love but it is also a legal merging of assets. You take on your spouses income and debt and vice versa. It's important that financial decisions are made together. 4) aperitisa: I had never heard of a "Jack and Jill" like this until joining the knot. In my circle, a Jack and Jill just means that the guys come too. That is the most ridiculous idea I've ever heard. <strong>5) Roo: WTF. Why don't you tip your waiter/waitress? In my opinion, you should always tip at least 15%. If your service was so bad that you feel it warrants no tip, you need to take up the issue with the manager. If you can't afford to tip at least 15$, don't go out to eat.
</strong>Posted by KD+BC[/QUOTE]

How did you get that I can't afford to go to dinner because I tip poorly when they suck at their job..... i am confused.  I merely was pointing out when you are pissed about something you should stick it to them. Not to mention, $15 would be fairly extreme for one person to pay at let's say, red robin for lunch?  In fact, that would be more then the bill.  Obviously, I can afford to go out to dinner, my point was if they are terrible, and are rude, unattentive, spill food on me or act in other unsavory ways, then yes I will tip less.  Not to mention, here in Washington our wait staff is paid at least min. wage + tips (not saying that is lucrative, but it is better then other states who have a restaurant wage).  In anycase, when I go out to dinner, it means someone brings it to me, fills up my water, asks me if everything is okay.  It is part of the experience, and their JOB.  It doesn't warrant an extra special tip because they do their normal job, they get a regular ol' tip.  Weds, I went to the Keg, and I tipped $12 for the two of us for our $32 bill.  I feel that was more then generous, we had no alcohol, and she came to our table 3 times.  We were there no more than an hour.  so she probably made about $24 that hour off of our table alone- that is not too shabby if you ask me.

heyimbren

I don't want to start the tipping discussion again...but I do love Red Robin! There aren't any in Ontario

Also, Roo I'm fairly confident that KD meant 15% not 15$.

Roo726

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hitting-up-money-pay-wedding-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9bb620e2-35c6-49d5-865f-f9a16fbbd212Post:beb32014-e420-4492-9ac8-1d33494abe1b">Re: Hitting me up for money to pay for your wedding (a rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't want to start the tipping discussion again...but I do love Red Robin! There aren't any in Ontario :( Also, Roo I'm fairly confident that KD meant 15% not 15$.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

heh heh you are correct!  I was thinking, $15....thats EXTREME lol.  Oops, but in any case I didn't meant to start a sub topic at all.  Why does that happen :-(  But i do tip just fine in normal circumstances! I also am not rude, at all.  I give people lots of chances and I also understand sometimes people just are having a bad day, but on occasion It has happened.

No RED ROBIN??? WHAT! That is complete ludicrous to me. I am sorry.

SassyBrass

"Red Robin! Yum!"

Yes, VERY tacky to ask for money for your wedding. And that jack and jill door cover dish fee thing would really tick me off. If you want your dream day a particular way, that's your perogative, but it's not MY problem or responsibility. Ick.
I agree that you should be saving for your "dream" wedding, or scale back to what you can afford. Sure, I'd like to come to your wedding and celebrate with you, but no, I don't feel like I need to make a large contribution. This isn't a museum.

KD+BC

As Bren pointed out, I meant 15%. I didn't say you can't afford to tip that much I'm saying that there is no reason to tip less than 15% without speaking with the manager.

Tipping discussion over.

PaigeMcC

I can't believe people think it's okay to ask for "donations".  Have the wedding you can afford, or don't have one.  Bottom line.

If someone ever asked me for a donation I'd cut a biotch with a page from Emily Post.

MLekathLEEN

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hitting-up-money-pay-wedding-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9bb620e2-35c6-49d5-865f-f9a16fbbd212Post:23bf17f9-42f3-4d18-b4e2-a42ab72688f4">Re: Hitting me up for money to pay for your wedding (a rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't believe people think it's okay to ask for "donations".  <strong>Have the wedding you can afford, or don't have one</strong>.  Bottom line. If someone ever asked me for a donation I'd cut a biotch with a page from Emily Post.
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]

THIS! There's no such thing as free lunch. If I can't afford my ultimate dream wedding, why should I pay for yours?