Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...

breezerb

Argh... I am a long time "watcher" of the posts and I love all of the regulars on the site (you ladies give solid advice!). I never thought I would wait more than a couple years to get engaged but when you really love someone, I've discovered you have no choice.

My BF and I have been together 5.5 years and I guess I am just feeling a little helpless. I know that the time will come that he finally proposes and it will be magic. But waiting sucks haha.  A bit of background, I am 26 and he is 30. We grew up in the same little town and have known each other most of our lives as well as our families. We both have good jobs and are pretty stable. We have been through a lot (long distance, schooling, general 20 y/o changes) and we know that we are meant to spend the rest of our lives together, and this is why we haven't been jumping the gun and have waited. Now I am started to get a bad case of "bridal fever" however and no matter how much I tell myself it's going to be special and it will happen when the time is right, it's hard.  

He's a pretty quiet guy and although we haved discussed and know we will get married eventually, he gets a little antsy when talking possible timeline.  I have even tried at hinting about rings, but he doesn't seem interested.  A big part of this is that we both want a big family and although I am okay with having children in my thirties, I would like to start our family in my late 20s and want to be married.  All of our friends are already married /starting families (I am the epitome of always a bridesmaid) and won't stop asking - even if done politely, so I always joke around and say that we're getting married in 2050. Deep down though, I have a case of the sads.  Part of me wonders whether he's clueless?  I don't want to push him but after the 5 year mark I'm getting a little anxious.

Anybody else have a similar story? How did you cope?   

  

PaigeMcC

My FI is a quiet guy too.  He's not one for talking but the best thing I ever did was sit down with him and talk about things.  We talked about our life goals, where we wanted to be, how we saw our life and when we wanted to get married.  It's sometimes a hard conversation to have but really the best thing you can do is sit down and talk with him.  Pick a good moment (You'll know when he's in the mood to chat better than anyone) and talk it out.  Sometimes it takes a few conversations and yes the waiting it hard but it's totally worth it.

GL

PaigeMcC

PS: Jack Johnson is sweeeeeeeeeeet! My dad saw him in NYC a few weeks ago

heyimbren

well, i'm not really in a similar situation at all, seeing as i am 6 years younger

but i have had the general timeline talk with my BF. and i hope that will be enough to keep me going while waiting.
i do think i understand what you're saying. is your BF more traditional in the sense that he'd really like to surprise you with this? that could be a reason for him not wanting to have the talk. or (and i doubt this one, but it is a possibility if he's skittish discussing the future) is there a possibility that he may not have the same idea of your future as you do?

honestly, what i'd do is i'd really try to sit him down and say that you'd just like to have a discussion about this. it doesn't have to be any "decisions" made such as "well we'll get married/engaged/go ring looking by X date" but it is nice to have a general idea of what to expect future-wise in a serious relationship.
this is what i did anyways, with my BF, and he was open and honest with me that he'd like to ideally be married before he's 30, being engaged about a year give or take. and that's all i was looking for. i have no idea how that will work out in the end, but i kinda like the mystery

good luck!

katanne9

IMO, if you're really talking about marriage seriously he should be able to legitimately discuss your potential timeline without getting antsy. He might be nervous, but I think you should be able to concretely, at the point you're describing, say "we will get married in about X point in time and we want X length of engagement, therefore we will get engaged within Y-Z months"


And if you're getting anxious I would stick around the boards. That helped me out a lot while waiting.

jeanacorina

Yes, I've been there. Like, exactly there. DH proposed a few months after our 5-year anniversary. Watching that 5-year mark come and go without a proposal was kind of gut-wrenching in a way. But I was already on these forums and realized, both from advice given to me and to others, that forever had already started, and he WANTED to marry me, and he would. As soon as he was ready.

Have you guys been able to really sit down and talk about this? I know it's hard to bring up, and you don't want to seem pushy. So, don't be pushy. Order pizza one night, sit down together- no TV, no distractions- and TALK about where your relationship is and where it's going. And when.

He might not want to talk about a timeline because maybe he feels it will ruin the surprise. But really, tell him just knowing it's within a year, or two years... knowing he's thinking the same way you are about getting married and starting a family, that will help you chill out and wait.

Enjoy your relationship NOW, as it is. Once you jump into wedding planning, things get crazy. And then you'll start having kids, and it'll never be the same (not that that's bad, just that it's different).

But that doesn't mean you can't have a calm, rational discussion about where you both see yourselves in a year or two.

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sitting-waiting-wishing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9bc9ccc3-fb01-48d1-8e77-be0590baea35Post:ce23850a-cbf1-42fc-9550-e50d64ec4b46">Re: Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone for the support! It helps a lot to know that I'm not crazy.  We have talked about getting married and wanting a family in the past but as Bren mentioned - he is very much a traditional, "I should have no idea when or how he is going to propose" kind of surprise guy.  We definitely need to have this chat but sometimes I wish he would just do it on his own haha... But I guess what he lacks in marriage motivation he makes up for tenfold in other areas and that's why I love him. <strong>You ladies are fantastic</strong>
Posted by breezerb[/QUOTE]

<div>Thanks, Friend!</div>

breezerb

Thanks everyone for the support! It helps a lot to know that I'm not crazy.  We have talked about getting married and wanting a family in the past but as Bren mentioned - he is very much a traditional, "I should have no idea when or how he is going to propose" kind of surprise guy.  Jeana great advice, as always (you're one of my faves) 

We definitely need to have this chat but sometimes I wish he would just do it on his own haha... But I guess what he lacks in marriage motivation he makes up for tenfold in other areas and that's why I love him.

You ladies are fantastic

And Paige  - LOVE Jack Johnson!!! haha

heyimbren

breezerb- sidenote, i like your name. it's two letters off from mine but everyone pronounces my name and calls me breanne or brenda.

my BF would never bring this up on his own either. i don't think it hurts, as long as you're not pushy about it (and i don't get the feeling that you'd be pushy at all).

jeanacorina

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sitting-waiting-wishing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9bc9ccc3-fb01-48d1-8e77-be0590baea35Post:2c1c814c-1f78-4987-90b1-af34ffb934e0">Re: Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...</a>:
[QUOTE]Jeana great advice, as always (you're one of my faves) 
Posted by breezerb[/QUOTE]


<3

Yes, yes, we know. I am awesome. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-innocent.gif" border="0" alt="Innocent" title="Innocent" />

jeanacorina

If I am someone people hope will reply to them with long-winded but candid advice, do people also fear that Mutley will respond with her swift-kick-in-the-arse advice?

Hmmm....

breezerb

Haha... not going to lie, I was half expecting it... maybe she's just on lunch break or something?

Maybe I could hire her out to give my man a swift-kick-in-the-arse?

She could start a business or something

GreenPepperBurger

Breeze, I like you. Please stay.

hetshup

I also recommend not drinking before your conversation. Drunky marriage talk is never a good thing.

FI and I sat down with a pad of paper and talked about our goals. What goals did I have, what did he have etc etc. It's a good conversation to have anyway. We will sit down annually and go over goals.  If after 5.5 years he can't sit down and really openly talk about it, it might be time to go, but you won't know til you try. 

breezerb

Green Pepper! You are another fave I was hoping would show up I like it, youngins with solid advice!

I've been on here awhile but I'm generally pretty invisible... think I'll have to start being a little more vocal

Hetshup - agreed! While drunk conversations usually reveal the truth, there is no guarantee I will remember in the morning or not try to spin it into my own little delusional, wedding starved way.  Haha

I like the idea of goal planning, usually we do this but on a more casual front. Looks like it's time for "the talk"

jeanacorina

I dunno where Mutley is today. Remodeling her house or something.... maybe baking a pie to send me.... hmmm.

I like the pie theory.

mellimel19

I can definitely sympathize, my bf and I have been together almost 5 1/2 years, and I am (I'd like to think) patiently waiting   However, we've talked timelines, and I was the one to bring the conversation up, because my bf is also the quiet type. However, I made the conversation about timelines in general- we had already determined we want to be together for the long haul, so we discussed how long before we think we can afford to buy our own home, when we'd like to start having kids, and when we'd like to get married. I worded it as, well this is the sort of timeline I was thinking, what do you think? He was very open, and it turned into a great conversation about our life plans together. I would definitely suggest trying to talk to him about it again, and maybe just make it more of a talk about all your future plans, and not just the wedding, since that seems to make him antsy

GreenPepperBurger

Hmm, pie. *drools*

Me? A fave? Why, I never.

jeanacorina

Pregnant lady better get in the kitchen and bake me a pie!

That's what I say!

Or, a margarita cake. Doesn't that exist? Or did I dream it up?

noelle24

PP's have covered it pretty well.

After 5 years, he should be able to sit down and have a conversation about general timeline. You can explain to him that you aren't trying to pressure him, but that you just want to make sure that both of you are on the same page with your life goals.  That is certainly not too much to ask from the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. 

Ask him where he sees the relationship in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years.  What does he want to accomplish before marriage, kids, etc?

noelle24

Mmmmm.... cake! 

katanne9

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sitting-waiting-wishing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9bc9ccc3-fb01-48d1-8e77-be0590baea35Post:760b4682-186b-4302-8854-fc3a435a5d33">Re: Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...</a>:
[QUOTE]Pregnant lady better get in the kitchen and bake me a pie! That's what I say! <strong>Or, a margarita cake. Doesn't that exist? Or did I dream it up?</strong>
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

Yes. I believe Bakes gave the recipe to Mutley and she posted it. It looks delicious.

breezerb

Last week at a party I went to they had Mojito and Daquiri cupcakes! They even had rimming sugar and limes on top...

And that was the moment I decided, that when I do get married a cocktail cupcake wedding is the only way to go...  

GreenPepperBurger

The cupcake shop I frequent just put out root beer float cupcakes.

run21

Men are kind of like dogs. They have no concept of sequence or time. So you would like to start baby making in your late 20s. That means you have to get married at, say 28. Then start baby making immediately in order to pump one out before 30. And then keep baby making through your early and mid-30s until you get the big family you want. So there are about 4 steps there. Of course men don't follow the steps, or understand the timing.

Engagement - anywhere from no time to a year or more. Baby making - few months if you are lucky. Baby cooking - 9 months, give or take. Probably a break - few months to year or more. More baby making... Repeat a few times.

We get that. Your bf... probably not. He's just sitting at the door watching cars go by and waiting for the mailman. You might need to spell it out.

jeanacorina

LOL, run21, I wasn't sure if I'd like your dog analogy, but it's so true. Sitting watching cars go by waiting for the mailman. LOL

catemeg

Yeah, when you started "Men are kind of like dogs" I had to double check the poster to make sure it wasn't one of the crazies.  Glad I read all the way through!

I totally agree that sitting down to figure out a rough sketch of plans is totally something every couple in a serious relationship should do.  It helps to know you're on the same page, and to see how the big events will fall in the scheme of your life (education/work commitments, etc).  In your case, OP, by discussing when he wants to have kids, it might make him realize that you should probably start sooner rather than later.  At the least, it will put it in context of life rather than just some abstract goal in the future.

My boyfriend claims he wants kids by the time he's 30 - he's currently 27.  So we talked about it, and figured out a reasonable time line that would work for us.  If we hadn't paired up our expectations along our schedules (specifically education/work/military commitments) then it never would have clicked with him.  Put it all together, and now we have a very reasonable time frame that works for both of us.  Married in 2 years after law school and before the Marines, engaged sometime between now and then, then I'll go to grad school (2 years) while he's in training, by then we'll be in his first duty station.  Finish one duty station, go to duty station #2, and then talk babies.  So probably when I'm around 29 and he'll be 32.  Sounds good to me!  One of our friends asked the other day at a party when we're getting married, and I joked, "We'll figure that out when he asks me."  And he just looked at me confused and said to everyone, "We know when we're getting married. We've figured it all out already. I just have to ask her."  Then it was everyone else's turn to look confused. Tee hee... I love that he's so logical!

P.S.  I'm having an impatient day, too!  We all do, but like Kat says, it's helpful to be around other girls to tell you to cool your jets.  For me, this weekend was huge! We got the diamond from my parents, and he's got it now.  I won't see it again until it's in my ring and he's on a knee.  I can hardly wait!  It's taking a lot of will power not to go to the jewelry store to 'visit' the ring we picked out!  We picked out two rings, and I love them both, but I'm pretty sure it will be the one he knows is my favorite!

loves2shop4shoes

Just sit him down and calmly and rationally say "I've been thinking about our future a lot.  I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.  I know we've discussed marriage a little bit, but I wanted to have a better idea of a timeline.  What do you think?"

If you leave it so open ended, he has to talk.

Good luck!

run21

See? The dog analogy works. My bf has dog-time mentality. He's young 40's. I'm young 30's. He says he's "too old" to have kids, but still wants kids. Well, sweetheart... The clock doesn't stop while you're watching cars go by and waiting for the mailman. He doesn't seem to get that from proposal to baby could be awhile for us because of health issues. Engagement can be few weeks, a month or two, I don't care. But the baby making thing could take awhile. Still... doesn't get it.

I'm considering drawing a timeline, like you made in middle school history class. Maybe with a "You are here" red arrow.

Can dogs see red? 

oceana919

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sitting-waiting-wishing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9bc9ccc3-fb01-48d1-8e77-be0590baea35Post:2c1c814c-1f78-4987-90b1-af34ffb934e0">Re: Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...</a>:
[QUOTE]You ladies are fantastic
Posted by breezerb[/QUOTE]

Jeanna, can we thumb tack this post so we can refer OPs to it whenever they say we're mean/rude? :)

Welcome to the boards, hon. The only advice I can give is to sit down and have an adult conversation with him about what kind of expectations you both have for your relationship and what kind of general timeline you'd like to see things happen in. Other than that, just try to enjoy this stage of your relationship as much as possible. You'll miss it when you're knee deep in wedding planning (right J?).

ekathleen684

Sunbird, I'm loving the new photo.

Welcome Breeze- Try and stay patient. I know it's tough but you know your getting married so enjoy the ride. Once there is a ring on that purty finger your mind will be racing with wedding plans, whether your officially planning or not.