Hi, My Name is Lunar. And I'm a dumb girl.

becunning2

Communication really is the make or break of a relationship.  And as much as we'd all love our significant others to pick up on our moods, our thoughts, and our feelings, they just can't.  Heck, sometimes even moms can't do it. No one can read minds--so what you say and how you say it is absolutely critical.  I'm glad things have gotten better, that you had a good moment with his mom, and that you apologized and he brought you tea. 

As for being homesick... that sucks. I'd be really upset to not be close to my mom.  I talk to her a lot on a regular basis; the boyfriend teases me about it, and we live two miles away.  I'd have a hard time not being so close to her. So I can imagine how hard of a change that is for you.

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hi-name-lunar-im-dumb-girl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a1c2a7d8-98ba-41d8-8622-ac135d980e5bPost:5f0445b6-c21a-4ae6-ab69-94995e434cba">Re: Hi, My Name is Lunar. And I'm a dumb girl.</a>:
[QUOTE]I keep trying to come back and contribute in a more positive way, and then I read the same drivel.  There isn't anything in the water. 
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

I think when we said there was something in the water, we were referring to the fact that several of us at once are having weird relationship days.  It wasn't a condemnation of all men as stupid and insensitive.  Yeah, my "stupid boys" comment may have implied that, but I genuinely meant it in jest.

I wasn't trying to validate anyone (except myself, perhaps) and certainly not take away from some of the other good advice that was being offered here.

*shrug*

TheMutleys

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hi-name-lunar-im-dumb-girl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a1c2a7d8-98ba-41d8-8622-ac135d980e5bPost:d8642d90-daad-4e5b-b995-a0c85b293b2e">Re: Hi, My Name is Lunar. And I'm a dumb girl.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hi, My Name is Lunar. And I'm a dumb girl. : Yes, Communication is a challenging thing sometimes. A big part of me sometimes wants Andrew to "know" how I am feeling. I feel especially comforted and cared for when he does things a bit out of the ordinary without being prompted. (I thinik the other PPs might feel this way, as well- based on their responses).

Because shouldn't your partner want to comfort you without being asked? I go out of my way to bring him home "tokens of affection" (my love language), spend the weekends doing things he thinks are fun (his love language), consciously touching him, as I know it's important to him and I often express to him how much I care about him.

Sometimes I think guys just aren't as attuned to those things as women are. At times,I wonder if I always tell him what I need to feel special/cared for/wanted- I'll never feel special. (And yes- I've communitcated this to him...which probably explains the following)

So after apologizing and telling him I would work on my communication- he still brought me a cup of tea without any prompt- thus- making me feel very special and cared for.

ETA: Oh- and I agree. There is nothing in the water- unless it's cruddy communication- which I'm working on.
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

I think it is good to want your partner to know how you feel.  I think that is a big part of communicating.  However, I definitely don't expect my husband to guess how I am feeling or how I want him to react.  I think there is too much of a belief that if a woman has to tell a man what she wants him to do, then it doesn't mean as much.  Personally, I used to feel this way in previous relationships.  I just don't feel like it is productive anymore.  I get a lot more our my relationship when I make my needs and wants known.  It is still a conscious effort on his part to meet them.  It is still special because I know that he is actually listening to what I want and choosing to follow through.

Also, I don't think that this is a 'you' thing.  I think that this is a myth that women are led to believe.  The perfect guy will anticipate all of your wants and needs and act on them before you even know about them.  It just isn't realistic, and I feel like it sets up both people.   

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hi-name-lunar-im-dumb-girl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a1c2a7d8-98ba-41d8-8622-ac135d980e5bPost:a1d7898f-59ac-49b5-a866-79ae59d3f27e">Re: Hi, My Name is Lunar. And I'm a dumb girl.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hi, My Name is Lunar. And I'm a dumb girl. : I think when we said there was something in the water, we were referring to the fact that several of us at once are having weird relationship days.  It wasn't a condemnation of all men as stupid and insensitive.  Yeah, my "stupid boys" comment may have implied that, but I genuinely meant it in jest. I wasn't trying to validate anyone (except myself, perhaps) and certainly not take away from some of the other good advice that was being offered here. *shrug*
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

My comment was more of an observation in regards to several posts that I've read over the last couple of weeks.  It seems less and less that anyone will call out red flags.  (I am not saying that Lunar's situation was a red flag one.)  It is the "My BF/FI/whatever is being a dickk" and then several people chime in to say that their BF/FI/whatever is also being a dickk.  The underlying implication is that it is okay.  But in my head, all I can see are red flags and giant sirens going off about the relationship.  And this leaves me wondering what some girls are doing on a wedding website, when one of the most basic components of a relationship is missing.   

It is also my opinion that the 'days' part of your post only refers to a select few, with you being one of them.  While in other situations, the 'days' just represent the actual relationship.    

I did read your comment as being in jest. 

COSmitty

As a CA translpant- with a native CO guy who lives on the same block as his parents.... yeah I get homesick and burst into tears at silly things that I didn't realize were making me homesick. My FI gets a really bewildered look... like if you feel this way why did you move here (though he loves that I did b/c then we met).  Sometimes he biffs the reactions but as time goes on I get better at telling him (prior to the tears) that I need hugs and TLC and miss home.

It has been a hard 4th of July for some bizarre reason so... yeah take heart it's not only you- it's just we're human.

p.s. if you need pretend we're in CA we miss our moms day sometime I'm sure that can be arranged :-)

Sparrow87

Lunar- YGPM back. 

csousa1

Aww Lunar I'm so sorry you had a sad morning I'm really glad that it all got figured out though

I completely agree with Mutley/Desert about needing to communicate what you need with your partner because no one is a mind reader. We all have moments of weakness as humans, and sometimes we pull a manipulation out and "test" the person we are with. I think that comes from a number of things, and it isn't the end of the world, as long as it isn't the norm. From the months that you have been here posting about your relationship with Andrew, I can say with confidence that this is not the norm for you. You are a very open and honest person and share everything with Andrew - you don't manipulate him.

You prefaced the entire post by saying you had no idea you would feel this upset. That I can relate to. I will admit that by the ripe old age of 26 I am morosely inept at reading my own feelings sometimes. I will be completely blindsided by sadness or anger and have no idea where it came from. The beauty of my BF is that he loves me and knows me and MANY times can help me get to the bottom of why I am feeling the way I am. I do this for him as well, when he has one of his frequent Grumpus-fits, as I call them. On a good day, I will gently tease him, ask if A, B or C is contributing to the Grumpus, and then offer something that will cheer him up. On a day when I am already out of sorts, had a bad day, or already tired of dealing with his mood, I will snap at him or tell him to knock it off. All people, men and women, can either be good or bad at dealing with their SO's current emotional status, depending on what is going on in their own world. It is perfectly normal to be upset by your SO not being on your wavelength, since all we ever really want is for our loved ones to "get" us. However, it isn't okay to milk that or hold it against anyone, and you have to get in touch with how you feel and fix it. You are responsible for getting back on the same wavelength too.  

I think in your case, you had no idea you would be so upset, and so when the pancake thing came up you really didn't know what it was that you wanted and that is how the miscommmunication happened. It seems to me as though you remedied that as soon as you did get more in touch with your emotional status, and you got back on the same wavelength with him right away. Now that you have breached the first holiday homesickness, you should be able to spot it more easily/ahead of time for the next time around. I'm glad you and Andrew figured it out and had a good 4th of July

lunarsongbird

I appreciate your advice, csousa! I was feeling a little down after this post- but you cheered me right back up! You always know the right things to say!

I too think my relationship with Andrew is pretty great, but we all have bad/sad moments sometimes!

lunarsongbird

Uh Oh....I found a "Go Cry Emo Kid" that is appropriate for my behavior on this post. Hehe...

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hi-name-lunar-im-dumb-girl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a1c2a7d8-98ba-41d8-8622-ac135d980e5bPost:552b351c-55a6-484b-b2f8-8548e9b1881d">Re: Hi, My Name is Lunar. And I'm a dumb girl.</a>:
[QUOTE]I appreciate your advice, csousa! I was feeling a little down after this post- but you cheered me right back up! You always know the right things to say! I too think my relationship with Andrew is pretty great, <strong>but we all have bad/sad moments sometimes!</strong>
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

FTR, I completely and totally agree, Lunar. We are all definitely allowed to have those moments, and to turn to our internet friends for support. I'm not at all saying we can't or shouldn't do that!

I like that we can come here and get a variety of responses -- there is bound to be one, like Sousa's in this thread for you, that resonates or is helpful.

And then there's me, bitchslapping sense back into you all through writing. :)

lunarsongbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hi-name-lunar-im-dumb-girl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a1c2a7d8-98ba-41d8-8622-ac135d980e5bPost:272dedd8-988b-4392-b081-7452aba3df0a">Re: Hi, My Name is Lunar. And I'm a dumb girl.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hi, My Name is Lunar. And I'm a dumb girl. : FTR, I completely and totally agree, Lunar. We are all definitely allowed to have those moments, and to turn to our internet friends for support. I'm not at all saying we can't or shouldn't do that! I like that we can come here and get a variety of responses -- there is bound to be one, like Sousa's in this thread for you, that resonates or is helpful. <strong>And then there's me, bitchslapping sense back into you all through writing. :)
</strong>Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]


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We all need one at some point or another. And I've never read a response of yours that is not helpful. You take a lot of time out of your day to craft really thoughtful responses. Even when the recipient doesn't enjoy what they hear- it is helpful, nonetheless.