Living together before the ring?

Lil B Mama

Wow lots of fiesty opinions here!

While I think it might be possible to get to know every aspect of someone's personality without living together, I've never done it. I've lived with several BFs and roomates and there's always something that comes to light only after moving in together. Could be something as small as dishes or laundry, or some major flaw that can't be resolved.

I let my best friend move in with me once and she would spend HOURS using my landline to call one of those telephone dating sites. I was surprised, and pissed.

I once moved in with a bf who would stay up all night playing online poker. It only started AFTER we moved in (but he probably did it on our nights apart before). Combined with other things, total dealbreaker. Maybe I could have spotted these issues if I'd been more careful, but it's certainly much harder for people to conceal behaviour once you live together. 

I guess you just need to be extremely observant if you dont plan on living together first. 

[Deleted User]

I feel like i've struck a bit of a nerve here...which was not my intent. I was simply trying to present an alternative viewpoint. I know that i'm in the minority here, and that's ok.

Honestly, some of the comments are a bit hurtful (though not intentionally hurtful, I know). I just believe there is more to knowing a person than living together OR length of time.

In the example of 2 couples together for the same length of time - only difference being one lives together and the other does not. How can anyone say one couple knows each other better? It is undeterminable. No one knows how they communicate, if they share life goals, what life experiences they've shared. There is so much more that goes into knowing a person. Hopefully we'll all continue to learn about our SOs throughout our relationships with them. People evolve and change, so there is constant opportunity to learn about your partner.

Whichever side you're on, there are pros and cons. There is no right or wrong.

wink0erin

I think the example is more the SAME couple... obviously we can't test that though.

It's all personal opinion. I wasn't a fan of living together before marriage until I did it, and now I think it's awesome. Shoot, I feel like a wife sometimes when I do "wifely" things. I can see why people might want to save that for after their wedding date or engagement. No one is right and no one is wrong!

HULU

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-together-before-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a4256015-5732-4062-94ef-b305af50f11fPost:b500dd7a-2f07-421d-86eb-38d16e730128">Re: Living together before the ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think this is the whole "why buy the cow if you're already getting the milk for free" argument...and it's a bit antiquated IMHO. BF and I do not live together and won't until we're at least engaged. This is not for religious reasons or because we believe our relationship will fail or an engagement will be postponed if we do. <strong>We are waiting to live together because we want there to be a significant change in our lives when we get married.</strong> We are both pretty independent individuals, so this set-up allows us each some freedoms while we're still unmarried. For example, I purchased my own home 4 years ago and I probably wouldn't have done that if we were already sharing an apartment together. Had we been living together, BF probably wouldn't have decided on a career change and gone back to school a year and a half ago. For us, we feel that our individual experiences make us stronger as a couple. We don't want to limit outselves or each other by only making decisions based on how it may impact the other person. We are not financially tied, we do not have children yet...there is no reason we have to make decisions together. I think sometimes we pour all of ourselves into another person, into our relationships. There is a "giving" stage in life. Marriage and children are a part of that giving period. Prior to marriage though, I believe you can share yourself while still being a bit selfish. It's the time to set your own goals, fulfil your own wants and make yourself happy. Often people who give that "selfish" stage up too early in life end up resenting it.
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is mine and FI's reason, too. (Although, our parents are another story. His mother wanted us to live together before we got married, and mine detests the thought of me "shacking up".) However, I want there to be something new and exciting to look forward to, such as moving into our new home together, getting to cook dinner in my own kitchen with my own utensils, buying groceries for the first time... the little things that go with it. :)

</div>

Daisy125

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-together-before-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a4256015-5732-4062-94ef-b305af50f11fPost:c61fc568-9ecd-480e-bf28-ad427021eecc">Re: Living together before the ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]Let me preface this by saying that everyone has a right to feel differently on this subject and I know I'm in the minority here. While I respect everyone's opinions, I have one point of contention with the "you don't truly know someone until you've lived with them" argument.<strong> Do we really base our knowledge of people on how long we've lived with them? I base my knowledge of a person on the length of time I've known them and the experiences we've shared together. Can you really tell me that a woman who moves in with her BF after 6 months of dating knows him better than I know my guy after dating 5 years - strictly because she's living with him?</strong> I don't think so. If you've spent time together, stayed at each other's places and have dated long enough to have gotten past the "honeymoon" stage with each other...then I believe you can know a person without living together. I believe most couples choose to live together before marriage not because it's going to help them get to know each other better, but because they: 1. want to save money on rent 2. want to spend more time together/not commute to see each other 3. aren't ready to make a lifelong commitment, but want to feel their relationship is progressing I don't feel that you have to live separately before marriage, but it should be an acceptable option. There is nothing that proves your marriage will or will not work out based on your previous living arrangements. If you're deciding to live with an SO strictly based on whether or not you'll be more likely to get engaged to that person in the future - you're probably not ready for that step.
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]


I get what you're saying. But I also wanted to add that there are very important issues that might be dealbreakers for some that just wouldn't come up without living together. For example, a person might not know what it's like to share finances with her SO before being responsible for a property together. Sure it's possible to learn your SO's attitude toward finances and debt before moving in together, but sometimes it doesn't really sink in until it's affecting your wallet too. If BF had been financially irresponsible or careless with racking up debt I could see that being a dealbreaker for me.

thelamarrs

BF and I haven't moved in together yet. but mostly because we're still so young. (about to be 20 and 21 at the end of this month) and we're enjoying living with our best friends. 

I actually am living with a good friend of mine who's also in a LTR and she said it perfectly, " Why would I move in with my boyfriend NOW if we're going to be together forever? I mean, I want to live with my friends and make awesome memories with y'all." 

I'm sure when that BF and I will move in when I graduate, but now just isn't the time.

csousa1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-together-before-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a4256015-5732-4062-94ef-b305af50f11fPost:6424aef9-33b7-44fb-ace3-530b164c4294">Re: Living together before the ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like i've struck a bit of a nerve here...which was not my intent. I was simply trying to present an alternative viewpoint. I know that i'm in the minority here, and that's ok. Honestly, some of the comments are a bit hurtful (though not intentionally hurtful, I know). I just believe there is more to knowing a person than living together OR length of time. In the example of 2 couples together for the same length of time - only difference being one lives together and the other does not. How can anyone say one couple knows each other better? It is undeterminable. No one knows how they communicate, if they share life goals, what life experiences they've shared. There is so much more that goes into knowing a person. Hopefully we'll all continue to learn about our SOs throughout our relationships with them. People evolve and change, so there is constant opportunity to learn about your partner. Whichever side you're on, there are pros and cons. There is no right or wrong.
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]

I completely understood what you were saying in your first post, and actually agree with the idea of wanting there to be a significant change once you are engaged or married. I always felt that way before, and wanted to wait to move in with whatever man I was in love with until we were married or engaged so that it would feel more significant. I ended up not waiting because he asked me to move in with him and I decided waiting just wasn't as important to me anymore.

I also agree that there really isn't any way to compare, nor should there be any need to. People should do whatever works for them. While I do think that there are things you learn from living together and sharing a space, there are also things you learn from the amount of time you spend together or apart, the amount of time you have been dating, the activities you take part in, whether you have been through a huge emotional upheaval together like family drama or the death of a loved one, all kinds of things. That doesn't make any relationship that has not gone through those things any less valid, in any way, or any less "educated". Just, different.

Beads921

Just to put it out there: this thread is a total b!tch to read - it's so out of order  

Anyway, I feel fairly strongly about living with a partner before you're married, whether it's while you're just BF & GF or while you're engaged (since, really, there's not much difference between the 2, which I'm sure many people would also disagree with).

It's not so much learning to live with his dirty clothes on the floor, or the dirt he tracks in on his boots. It's about adjusting your routines to work together, and that's not always easy. Having to come home to that person every day - no matter how worn out you are or how crappy you feel - is not something you can experience when you live apart. It can be hard to see your partner at their lowest. FI can be super cranky (as can I), which I knew before we moved in together, but you have to deal with it differently when you're under the same roof.

We partially combined finances when we moved in together as well, and while you can talk about money and finances all you want, things are definitely different when his choices are affecting your bank account (not that this has been negative for us, but it is a reality).

I'm also a strong believer that you don't have to give up your independence to live with someone. I like to consider myself and FI independent people. We have lives outside our lives together, and while we do consider each other in major decisions we make, that's not always the final deciding factor. I think even when you're in a serious-headed-for-marriage relationship (and not living together), you're still probably going to be considering your partner in major decisions. 

Overall, I love living with FI and I don't regret doing so before we'll be married at all. I look forward to waking up together in our bed on the morning of our wedding, and then coming home afterwards, seeing our furbabies, and falling back into the same routine we've had for the past couple of years. I don't want that big change - being married will be enough of a change on its own.

Peaseblossom55

TK ate my post..

so in short I used to want to not live together until I was married now w/ the BF it's changed my opinions on that.

Im asking him to move in w/ me in Jan he has to let his rental co. know if he will renew his lease in Feb.  We've been together over 2 yrs now, we know we want to marry each other. So this is just the nexxt step in a series of steps to bring our lives together.  

I want to be with him more see him more and wake up next to him every day.  I agree things like dishes in the sink or a towel on the floor are not deal breakers.  It's not even a financial thing. I just can't wait to take those next steps with him and our relationships.  It should bring some interesting challenges for sure.

4 cats and 1000 sq ft condo

a vegetarian learning to cook meat, so the BF can eat.

kmheiges

I agree that it is definitely a personal preferance. My boyfriend and I moved in together in June after a year and a half of dating. We have known each other for more than four years, and it was the right choice for us. Also, we are living in an apartment near both of our schools, and plan on staying in an apartment until we get married. This way we still have a big change after we get married, because we will get to buy a new house and move in together again. I'm definitely excited for that part, but I love being able to live with him right now too.