Need advice... bridal shower (for someone else)

cu97tiger

So, a friend of mine recently got engaged. On the friend scale, we're about a 5. Always happy to see each other, but never talk on the phone, email, etc. We just catch up when we run into each other (we went to school together, so that used to be every day, now it's about once every two months).

I ran into her a month after her engagement. We spent quite a bit of time talking about her upcoming wedding. It's super small (immediate family only and one friend of each of the bride and groom), so I know I am not invited.

I just received a shower invitation from her sister that also included several of our classmates. It is a 'Bridal Luncheon & Shower'. I thought it was rude to invite people who weren't invited to the wedding to a shower? I would understand if it was 'hey, let's have a night on the town with the newly-engaged girl' but I was thrown off by the shower.

Thoughts? Am I being too sensitive? 

Elle1036

I think that invitation is in poor taste. 

Are the other invited classmates also not invited to the wedding?

Edit:  I can't read.  Obviously the others aren't invited either.  Yeah, I would be a little put off by the invite, tiny wedding or not.

heyimbren

Yeah, you really aren't supposed to invite people to a shower but not a wedding. I'd just decline and not go.

SeaTea02

Are you sure you aren't invited to the wedding? Did invites for that already go out? 

cu97tiger

I'm definitely not invited to the wedding, and neither are any of our fellow students. She told me it's literally their immediate families (parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters) and one close friend each. 

I'm not even remotely upset about not being invited to the wedding, I think they're going to have a blast and the wedding will be beautiful and special.

I also hate that I feel like this because I want to celebrate their engagement, but thinking ahead to when I may be planning these things, I'd be mortified if non-wedding invitee were invited to a shower for me.

Thanks for a little feedback... I'm going to politely decline and make sure I plan something else for that day/time.

heyimbren

If you want to celebrate their engagement, you could still attend or send them a card (with or without a small gift). There's no rule that says you can't do that if that's what you want, but she shouldn't be inviting you regardless.

marleylikeair

Honestly, if you like this girl, even if it's only enough to trade a small-medium gift from her registry for a nice lunch, I would just go to the shower. Is not being invited to the wedding enough of an offense for you to decide to skip the shower? Would you go to the shower if you *were* invited to the wedding? Or is she a casual enough acquaintance that you might skip it?

There are some cases where it's accepted to invite people to the shower who aren't invited to the wedding, like people at work throwing a shower for a co-worker. Is there anything about this that would fall into a category like that?

Part of me thinks it'd be just as rude to turn down an invitation when you're perfectly able to attend (i.e. you're in town and have no prior commitments) as it is to invite someone to a shower who's not invited to the wedding. And besides, unless the bride has told you flat-out that no, you're not invited to the wedding, don't you kind of have to assume that they *are* following proper etiquette rules and that you *are* invited to the wedding? That is, unless invites do go out before you have to RSVP to the shower and you can get a for-sure answer to the invite question.

If none of that works for you, is there a subtle way for you to sniff around a bit and find out for sure whether you're invited to the wedding?

SeaTea02

It is definitely in poor taste for her to do this, but at the same time I can see how if he parents are forcing her to exclude friends, she would want to have them at a shower.

It is also rude of her to be planning her own shower.... the whole things seems a little gift grabby. Like you are good enough to come to this little part and bring presents, but not attend the actual wedding. 

I get it, I was invited to a bachelorette party by the bride to a wedding I was not invited to. 

If you want to go and see your friends I say go, but that is your call. 

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice-bridal-shower-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a7a41b67-3a35-4798-8b50-205db15577c1Post:17c588d7-4bfb-406e-bbe6-276598e458c2">Re: Need advice... bridal shower (for someone else)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm definitely not invited to the wedding, and neither are any of our fellow students. She told me it's literally their immediate families (parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters) and one close friend each.  I'm not even remotely upset about not being invited to the wedding, I think they're going to have a blast and the wedding will be beautiful and special. I also hate that I feel like this because I want to celebrate their engagement, but thinking ahead to when I may be planning these things, I'd be mortified if non-wedding invitee were invited to a shower for me. Thanks for a little feedback... I'm going to politely decline and make sure I plan something else for that day/time.
Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

Oops. I was typing my first post while you posted this!

Okay, so if the wedding is really THAT small, then most of the people at the shower won't be at the wedding, and I don't think it's all that rude to invite you in a case like that. If I were in your shoes, as long as I liked the girl and considered her a friend and not just a random acquaintance, I'd probably go to the shower. You're not a superclose friend or family member, so I'm sure she's not expecting you to go and purchase some huge item off of her registry, ya know?

On the other hand, I completely understand your position and respect your decision to decline.

heyimbren

I think Tiger actually talked to the bride and was told by the bride that she wasn't invited to the wedding. I may have read that wrong though...

I don't think it's rude to decline a shower invite. A shower invite isn't an obligation to attend. But by all means, if you would like to attend, then go!

And Marley, you're right. Co-workers are the exception to the rule. As are church-hosted showers.

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice-bridal-shower-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a7a41b67-3a35-4798-8b50-205db15577c1Post:59e52afc-dc72-4976-b0ca-17c403c7d00f">Re: Need advice... bridal shower (for someone else)</a>:
[QUOTE]It is definitely in poor taste for her to do this, but at the same time I can see how if he parents are forcing her to exclude friends, she would want to have them at a shower. <strong>It is also rude of her to be planning her own shower.... the whole things seems a little gift grabby.</strong> Like you are good enough to come to this little part and bring presents, but not attend the actual wedding.  I get it, I was invited to a bachelorette party by the bride to a wedding I was not invited to.  If you want to go and see your friends I say go, but that is your call. 
Posted by SeaTea02[/QUOTE]

Sea, I think in the OP, Tiger says the bride's sister is actually the one planning the shower.

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice-bridal-shower-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a7a41b67-3a35-4798-8b50-205db15577c1Post:4b15c61a-c1f7-49da-8714-20e9ddbf4e40">Re: Need advice... bridal shower (for someone else)</a>:
[QUOTE]I think Tiger actually talked to the bride and was told by the bride that she wasn't invited to the wedding. I may have read that wrong though... I don't think it's rude to decline a shower invite. <strong>A shower invite isn't an obligation to attend.</strong> But by all means, if you would like to attend, then go! And Marley, you're right. Co-workers are the exception to the rule. As are church-hosted showers.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

No, but I've heard people say that if you're in town and available, it's kind of rude to decline. Almost like saying, "yeah, I could come, but I don't feel like it. I'm totally available, but it's not worth it to me/I don't like you enough." I'm not positioning myself directly in this camp, but I do see the merit of looking at it this way.

cu97tiger

I guess one note would be that the invitation is coming from her sister (and possibly her mother? See, I'm not even close enough to her to know their names), not her directly, though she definitely must have given them the email addresses. They are at least asking for our mailing addresses to email us a proper invitation.

I am just going to chalk this up to something to remember when/if I'm planning a wedding. I know most of the women invited and that we'd love to celebrate the engagement, but a happy hour or informal dinner would have seemed less grabby. A pricey brunch AND shower just threw me off.

heyimbren

Do you have to pay for your own meal too?

ETA: Marley, I can see that except if I wasn't that close to the person and I wasn't invited to the wedding, I don't see the problem in then declining even if are free that day. Probably for the same reasoning I decline Buck and Doe invites.

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice-bridal-shower-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a7a41b67-3a35-4798-8b50-205db15577c1Post:9e7db3d4-b0d0-43fd-8099-32399501c062">Re: Need advice... bridal shower (for someone else)</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess one note would be that the invitation is coming from her sister (and possibly her mother? See, I'm not even close enough to her to know their names), not her directly, though she definitely must have given them the email addresses. They are at least asking for our mailing addresses to email us a proper invitation. I am just going to chalk this up to something to remember when/if I'm planning a wedding. I know most of the women invited and that we'd love to celebrate the engagement, but a happy hour or informal dinner would have seemed less grabby. A pricey brunch AND shower just threw me off.
Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

Ohhhh, so would you have to buy your own lunch? It's not provided as part of the shower? That'd be a bummer. You'd be paying for lunch *and* a gift. I'd be a little put off by that, too, if I weren't close with the bride at all.

cu97tiger

Hmm, maybe I made an assumption about the luncheon... the invite says:

Save the Date - Bridal Luncheon and Shower for Polly (not her real name)

I assumed that meant everyone takes care of their own meal, but could be wrong about that.

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice-bridal-shower-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a7a41b67-3a35-4798-8b50-205db15577c1Post:6ad75dfd-b8f5-40d5-be70-1a4999e63606">Re: Need advice... bridal shower (for someone else)</a>:
[QUOTE]Hmm, maybe I made an assumption about the luncheon... the invite says: Save the Date - Bridal Luncheon and Shower for Polly (not her real name) I assumed that meant everyone takes care of their own meal, but could be wrong about that.
Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

I would actually assume that *does* mean lunch is included for you...I dunno...

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice-bridal-shower-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a7a41b67-3a35-4798-8b50-205db15577c1Post:3f83a3ed-9a0b-4427-91d7-9e32c3e1350f">Re: Need advice... bridal shower (for someone else)</a>:
[QUOTE]Do you have to pay for your own meal too? ETA: Marley, I can see that except if I wasn't that close to the person and I wasn't invited to the wedding, I don't see the problem in then declining even if are free that day. Probably for the same reasoning I decline Buck and Doe invites.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

I see what you're saying. I agree that if you're not at all close to the bride, it's okay to decline if you want to, even if you do follow the go-if-you're-available rule. Just throwing it out there because I didn't know how close Tiger was to this girl. (Tiger, I know you said a bit on that subject, but I still wasn't sure where this girl fell on your scale between "definitely a friend, just not a close friend" and "pretty much off-the-radar acquaintance.")

cu97tiger

My problem usually is that I'm friendly with everyone and will go out of my way to do whatever I can for them. It's a nice trait to have, usually, but it also means I have no idea where the line is drawn with respect to what THEY would do for ME.

I think I'll go, since it will be a good opportunity to catch up with lots of people I don't get to see often, plus I'm available, and I'm happy for them. 

Thank you everyone for your advice! I'm running now but will check the thread again in the morning!

heyimbren

I'd assume that lunch is being hosted as well

And if you want to go, then go. I kind of like going to bridal showers personally.

SeaTea02

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice-bridal-shower-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a7a41b67-3a35-4798-8b50-205db15577c1Post:ce53d4f6-4cf8-49ab-8001-9771f55f34cf">Re: Need advice... bridal shower (for someone else)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice... bridal shower (for someone else) : Sea, I think in the OP, Tiger says the bride's sister is actually the one planning the shower.
Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is my second reading comprehension fail in about a week. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-embarassed.gif" border="0" alt="Embarassed" title="Embarassed" />

</div>

Hazel_B

Where I'm from this would not be considered rude or abnormal. It's a close knit community and people understand that the world can't be invited to a wedding, but people still want to show their support. I know that this view is not standard by any means.

How do you feel about this friend? That should dictate whether or not you want to go. This may not even be the brides idea, but she may have found it hard to say no when friends from school (the one(s) who planned it) suggested it.

PaigeMcC

When I told my mom that people not invited to the wedding shouldn't be invited to the shower she gave me this blank stare.  Apparently, around here, it's really common for everyone you've ever met to get an invite.  Random....anywayssss if you want to go then I'd say go for it.  I LOVE showers and would totally go even if I couldn't go to the wedding.  I just like celebrating with people.  (I also love giving gifts...the look on people's face is always so great when you know they're really excited about what you got them!)

loves2shop4shoes

I think the invitation was in really poor taste, so I'd decline. 

MLekathLEEN

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice-bridal-shower-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a7a41b67-3a35-4798-8b50-205db15577c1Post:ba3f8032-275b-43fa-9505-7b02bef1d593">Re: Need advice... bridal shower (for someone else)</a>:
[QUOTE]Where I'm from this would not be considered rude or abnormal. It's a close knit community and people understand that the world can't be invited to a wedding, but people still want to show their support. I know that this view is not standard by any means. <strong>How do you feel about this friend? That should dictate whether or not you want to go.</strong> This may not even be the brides idea, but she may have found it hard to say no when friends from school (the one(s) who planned it) suggested it.
Posted by Hazel_B[/QUOTE]

This. If you want to go and show support, then I'd go regardless of a wedding invite or not. Wedding are expensive and she may not be able to afford having more than 5-10 people. Her sister probably wants her to still celebrate with those she cares about and can afford hosting a less formal event. It may be against normal etiquette but who are we to judge when we don't know the entire situation? I'd be offended if it were a larger wedding and you weren't invited while similar friends were but not so much when it's just close family members who were invited. I wouldn't decline just on the fact that being invited to the shower and not the wedding is in poor taste.

I'm also with Paige, I love a good party... registry snooping.

cu97tiger

Good points everyone! It is such a small wedding that it would be a shame if she didn't get to celebrate with anyone here in Phoenix just because she's having a small wedding. I feel better about it now that I'm thinking it's a hosted lunch, and can imagine her sister insisting she do something here in Phoenix.

After the event, I'll let you know how fun it was!

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice-bridal-shower-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a7a41b67-3a35-4798-8b50-205db15577c1Post:24acde29-747f-4092-9e21-08df0218a22d">Re: Need advice... bridal shower (for someone else)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice... bridal shower (for someone else) : This. If you want to go and show support, then I'd go regardless of a wedding invite or not. Wedding are expensive and she may not be able to afford having more than 5-10 people. Her sister probably wants her to still celebrate with those she cares about and can afford hosting a less formal event. It may be against normal etiquette but who are we to judge when we don't know the entire situation? I'd be offended if it were a larger wedding and you weren't invited while similar friends were but not so much when it's just close family members who were invited. I wouldn't decline just on the fact that being invited to the shower and not the wedding is in poor taste. I'm also with Paige, I love a good party... <strong>registry snooping.
</strong>Posted by MLekathLEEN[/QUOTE]

I will confess that I snoop registries when people I know get engaged. I'm just curious to see what people want!

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice-bridal-shower-someone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a7a41b67-3a35-4798-8b50-205db15577c1Post:de1355d4-ff7e-4e35-a3f1-67a6432bef9b">Re: Need advice... bridal shower (for someone else)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice... bridal shower (for someone else) : I will confess that I snoop registries when people I know get engaged. I'm just curious to see what people want!
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

<div>I love registry snooping.  It's a fun pastime.</div>

marleylikeair

Ahhh, registries. I know I'm going to sound like a brat for saying this, but I can't wait to have one. BF and I have such a hodgepodge of ugly, 20-year-old dishes, glasses, and pots and pans, and no decent stemware at all.

jeanacorina

Marley, I was excited for a registry, too... but we didn't get a lot of the basics. Have fun with it, but don't expect your own friends and family to think like other brides' friends and family. That doesn't always work, lol.

As far as this goes, I guess a lot of people don't do much research into wedding/shower etiquette. I might go if I really did like the girl and really did want to be involved in the celebration. Actually, I'm kind of a softie, so yeah, I'd go. I like giving gifts, too.

It's not the most rude thing ever (although it would be pretty rude if the lunch wasn't provided), so don't dwell on it too much. It's no use to take offense to every little thing that isn't quite proper. That would make my head spin.