Destination Weddings...good or bad?

[Deleted User]

What's you're take on Destination Weddings?

I've always thought they were kind of a nice idea: everyone gets a vacation, you exchange vows in a romantic location, it is possibly less expensive for the bride & groom and if a lot of people will be traveling anyway, why not?

Well, as most of you know, BF's brother is recently engaged and last night we found out they are considering a destination wedding and have a guest list of roughly 250 people. BF's mother is upset because most of their family will probably not be able to make it (many relatives do not travel very much and hardly ever get on planes). BF made it clear to his mom that we need to be supportive, whatever their decision and that although they are considering it, no firm plans have been made.

I must admit though, looking at it from a guest's perspective has sort-of changed my mind on the whole Destination Wedding thing. For a guest, it is expensive, you have to dedicate a block of time (at least a weekend) for travel and probably use some vacation time. Plus with BF in clinicals, it is hard for him to get time off for travel.

Obviously we will find a way be at the wedding no matter what. BF and I both feel family is priority #1 and I consider the couple as my family already even though we are not married. I was just curious how other view destination weddings on here...

palmettogirl924

I think it depends on what kind of people the couple are.

For some, this is a great idea and for others it just doesn't work. I considered it once or twice when I was like: "Agh, planning a wedding is going to be awful". But when it boils down to it lots of friends and family wouldn't be able to make it and to me having them there is one of the most important things.

Ember01

I was invited to one, awhile back and turned it down because of the cost and the timing.

One of my friends was considering doing one, and I was dreading paying the high cost of going.

I guess if the bride and groom don't mind a really small wedding it would be okay. Or if it is a destination that is driveable it would be okay.

But, that's my opinion.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_destination-weddingsgood-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a8c14dc3-905b-46db-807f-49b87f5eeac7Post:df8ec833-a554-4631-bde5-e3db394b25ab">Re: Destination Weddings...good or bad?</a>:
[QUOTE]But when it boils down to it lots of friends and family wouldn't be able to make it and to me having them there is one of the most important things.
Posted by palmettogirl924[/QUOTE]

I think this is why BF's mom is so upset. They have a really close family, and in reality many of they either wouldn't travel or couldn't afford to...

motoLyn

I agree it depends on the couple and the people attending.  My wedding is planned for Maui, my whole side of the family knew for years that when I got married it was going to be a DW some where tropical.  It doesn't hurt that my family travels to the Hawaiian islands every year.  Well my sister and her hubby and daughter go there every year, I go every two years and my parents every so often.  It will be a first for FI's family.  But our wedding list is small say about 45-60 invitees and only 40-45 actually making it.  FI loved the idea of getting married in Maui, everyone knows us as beach/surf bums.  For FI's family it will be a first time visiting the Hawaiian islands. FI even has family flying in from Denmark for the wedding.

I understand how expensive it can be, so i try to plan the wedding where it would be convenient for everyone and that when the guest are there we can also do activities to show them we appreciate that they came to share in our happy day with us. 

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_destination-weddingsgood-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a8c14dc3-905b-46db-807f-49b87f5eeac7Post:56387269-ca62-4671-bedd-9fe41055bd94">Re: Destination Weddings...good or bad?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Destination Weddings...good or bad? : I think this is why BF's mom is so upset. They have a really close family, and in reality many of they either wouldn't travel or couldn't afford to...
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]

In that situation, however, it isn't her wedding. Family may be a priority for her, and for others, but if the couple would rather have a DW, then they can do that and invite those they want to attend but no one is obligated to attend.

I guess I don't see a DW as a big deal because it can cover a lot of situations. My friend who is getting married is getting married close to her hometown. But her FI's family is from the other side of the country. No matter where they got married, it was going to involve travelling for immediate and extended family. Whether they got married here in Ontario, in BC, or in the Bahamas it wouldn't make much of a difference.

bsidebella

I think destination weddings are great. They're often smaller than local weddings, and more intimate, if that suits the couple. You get to experience a new location, have some fun with your friends and family. I think they're a fun idea.

FI's sister is having a destination wedding in St. Lucia. Only close family members and close friends are actually going down to the island. A week after we come home from St. Lucia, his sister and her new husband are holding a local reception to include the friends and family who couldn't go to the island.

Beads921

I like the idea of a DW for myself, but unless it's a close close close friend or family member, I'm going to be ticked if I had to go to one. They are costly for guests in more ways than just monetary.

I think this one comes down to knowing yourselves, your family, and your friends. If a DW will work for all of those groups, go for it, if not it might be best to come up with an alternate plan.

[Deleted User]

I agree with the general consensus here. I guess what blew me away was the guest list 250 people long. I just think that's assuming a lot of people will want to spend their time & money on your wedding.

BREN - I definitely agree with your comment. Family is the priority for BF's mom...and may not be as much for the couple. A DW really fits this couple, but given that mom and the bride-to-be already have a somewhat tense relationship...I'm forecasting a rocky road ahead.

jeanacorina

As long as the couple doesn't mind that some folks won't make it, and they are considerate of their guests (plenty of notice of the date, website with information and suggestions for things to do/see, etc...), I think DWs are perfectly fine. It's the couples' choice and if their families don't like it then oh, well. Just because you have a "close-knit family" doesn't mean the couple feels close to everyone and actually wants them there.

A lot of weddings get blown way out of proportion by parents, grandparents, and other well-meaning people. A DW limits that a bit. I'd have done a DW in a heartbeat, but we decided not to (although it was far from any of my family, it was very close for all my in-laws).

GreenPepperBurger

I like the idea, but I know many people who I would want to be there would not be able to attend. BF does not like the idea - he says he would never put an imposition on people who are supposed to be our guests.

desertsun

I don't think a big DW guest list is assuming anything.

In fact, I think a DW is a perfect solution for couples who feel obligated to invite a lot of people but actually prefer something much smaller. 

PaigeMcC

Ditto Jeana and Desert.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_destination-weddingsgood-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a8c14dc3-905b-46db-807f-49b87f5eeac7Post:4759181e-6fac-4090-b22b-a59edaa62b9a">Re: Destination Weddings...good or bad?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think a big DW guest list is assuming anything. In fact, I think a DW is a perfect solution for couples who feel obligated to invite a lot of people but actually prefer something much smaller. 
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

I am not trying to start an argument here Desert...but don't you think it's rude for people to invite "everyone" while secretly hoping for most to not make it? I would hate to find out that a couple invited me hoping that I would be a no-go. Personally I feel that you shouldn't invite anyone that you don't genuinely want to have attend. If a couple wants a small wedding, they should just be honest, set a small guest list and be prepared to stick to their guns. Just my thoughts...

(I do not think this is the case with this couple however. I genuinely believe they would love it if all 250 people were able to make it)

motoLyn

I agree with Desert, a DW limits and gives the couple a way to explain why they aren't having a big wedding.  For me, if FI and I have a local wedding I would be pressured into expanding the guest list.  I really just want to celebrate with family and close friends, what better way than in paradise.  As long as the people that matter most are there then that's all that counts.  Side note: If I had my choice really, we be eloping, but FI really wants his father from Denmark to be there to share in his joy.  I don't know how my family would react to us eloping. 

KatyRoseM

I hate them.  Your asking people to spend their time and money on a vacation that you want, but they might not.  Also its at the time thats good for you not them.  It says that you don't focus on your guests, but on the romantic location.  Its find if you care most about the location, but its just not me. 

jeanacorina

Yes, I am totally rude because I did NOT want everyone on my guest list to come to my wedding. After all, since my parents were footing the bill for the reception, they got a lot of say in my guest list. Plus, my DH's folks had some people they wanted to invite who I had never met and DH hadn't seen in years.

If I am rude for really NOT caring if those folks attended, then yes. I am rude. But I can tell you, my dad's friends in West Virginia did NOT attend my Louisiana wedding, and that was A-OK with me. I brought my wedding album to show them on my next visit home. We had 85 guests (invited 160) and I would have been thrilled with even less. DH and I really only wanted about 40 guests... or less.

When you're engaged and your parents/future in-laws get into bugging you about budget and guest list, let me know how easy it is to "stick to your guns." I sincerely hope you don't find it as difficult as we did.

tafft1

What Desert said. I think DW's are great , just not great for every couple/budget , etc. I still consider ours a DW - even if it was only 3 hours away from everyone , it still wasn't in everyone's backyard either. I don't think it's wrong to have a large guest list for a DW but the couple should keep in mind and understand that a larger amount may not be able to attend due to the financial and time off restraints from work , families , etc.

I am all for DW because in my opinion they can feel more personal especially if you don't have an extended family or want to tone it down somewhat. On the same token though the same can be accomplished "at home" regardless of how big or small. I think it really comes down the couple deciding what they want and even those who couldn't make it to ours in Tahoe were very supportive and happy for us because they understoood this wasn't something done in haste but ultimately what made us happier. I also think it depends on where the DW will be located - for us Tahoe was only 3 hours away for all our guests so it was much easier to manage vs say Hawaii or the Caribbean - but there are many factors involved incluidng time of year. I don't think a DW is an imposition on guests - it only becomes such if you expect everyone to be able to attend and get butthurt if they can't. There is no right or wrong here - just have to follow what feels right.

motoLyn

DW isn't for everyone, just like a big wedding isn't for everyone.  You try to pick a date that works and hope that people can come.  Also understand if they can't. If people don't like the idea of having to travel to attend a wedding then they can choose not to go.  If a close friend of mine were getting married at a destination I go, regardless, he or she would have told me before hand so I can save and plan.  If it were just someone I kind of knew then I would decline the invite.  That's what I love about having a DW, I can keep it to just close friends and family. 

A co-worker of mine told me she is to be part of the wedding party I think its a sponsor for a catholic wedding in Hawaii, the guest list is 250 people.  So not only is the couple shelling out massive amounts of $$$$ but there will be so many people expected to come.  I can't begin to comprehend inviting that many to a DW. I think my max would have been 60 and secretly hoping for 35-40.  But I be prepared to host 60 people. 

bakes218

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_destination-weddingsgood-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a8c14dc3-905b-46db-807f-49b87f5eeac7Post:07be6e9c-5338-41f5-87fe-f2bcba586950">Re: Destination Weddings...good or bad?</a>:
[QUOTE]As long as the couple doesn't mind that some folks won't make it, and they are considerate of their guests (plenty of notice of the date, website with information and suggestions for things to do/see, etc...), I think DWs are perfectly fine. It's the couples' choice and if their families don't like it then oh, well. Just because you have a "close-knit family" doesn't mean the couple feels close to everyone and actually wants them there. A lot of weddings get blown way out of proportion by parents, grandparents, and other well-meaning people. A DW limits that a bit. I'd have done a DW in a heartbeat, but we decided not to (although it was far from any of my family, it was very close for all my in-laws).
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]


THIS. We had a destination wedding and just invited our parents but it was perfect.

It is their wedding. If people cannot attend then they cannot attend. Weddings are getting a bit out of control if you ask me, I think the DW is a great alternative!

[Deleted User]

Jeana - I apologize if I offended you, that was not my intent. I don't think the fact that i'm NEY makes me any less able to stick to a guest list for any event I might plan. I'm sorry that you had so many different opinions to contend with during the planning of your wedding - but I suppose when you accept funds from others you invite those opinions in.

heyimbren

I just don't see a wedding invitation as an imposition by any means. You still have a choice to attend or not, and if a couple would prefer to have a DW, then good for them.

Also, they may genuinly want all those people to come, but I guess I don't see the point in picking apart people's reasons for inviting people.

bethsmiles

I'm not a fan of destination weddings. I suppose they are fine for other people but I want to make it as easy as possible for my guests to come to my wedding because they are important to me. I would be sad if someone couldn't come because of how far away it was. I realize you can't make everyone happy and that no matter what some people won't be able to make it but it seems like a destination wedding makes it hard for a lot of guests to attend.

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_destination-weddingsgood-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a8c14dc3-905b-46db-807f-49b87f5eeac7Post:7032760f-65a7-48f5-ace7-32be9c5deebb">Re: Destination Weddings...good or bad?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Destination Weddings...good or bad? : I am not trying to start an argument here Desert...but don't you think it's rude for people to invite "everyone" while secretly hoping for most to not make it? I would hate to find out that a couple invited me hoping that I would be a no-go. Personally I feel that you shouldn't invite anyone that you don't genuinely want to have attend. If a couple wants a small wedding, they should just be honest, set a small guest list and be prepared to stick to their guns. Just my thoughts... (I do not think this is the case with this couple however. I genuinely believe they would love it if all 250 people were able to make it)
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It's totally okay to have differences of opinion on these things. We can all put our point of view out there and then agree to disagree. :)</div><div>
</div><div>Receiving an invitation is a reflection of the couple's regard for you. It should come without any expectations or obligation. You simply graciously accept or decline as circumstances allow. The couple understands that you either can or you cannot make it, and your presence or lack thereof is no reflection on your relationship, past present or future.</div><div>
</div><div>That's how I believe it should work, anyway, and it's why I think DW with large guests lists are perfectly fine if that's the way the couple wants to do it. </div><div>
</div><div>As long as the couple aren't TELLING people "I hope you can't make it" I don't see why anyone on the guest list has any right to be offended.</div><div>
</div><div>Also, I don't think it's that they don't WANT particular people there. It's just a bit of a relief if you get a lot of "No's" and can keep costs down and have less people to worry about. Again, this is why a DW is a good solution for couples with a large circle of friends and family who don't want to leave anyone out but want to keep things as small and uncomplicated as possible.</div><div>
</div><div>It's completely inappropriate to think "If they wanted me there, they would have done xyz."</div><div>
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jeanacorina

I'm not "offended," but maybe a bit frustrated. I had tons of expectations before I got engaged. I thought I'd do things a certain way and I thought my fiesty and independent nature would allow me to stick to my guns on things. However, within a couple of weeks of getting engaged I learned that weddings usually involve a lot of people, especially family members, with their OWN expectations and opinions. It is extremely difficult to juggle so many requests and decide what you REALLY want to put your foot down on, and what you can compromise about.

I have no doubt some brides have families who don't push for anything, however even my mom, who is very supportive and usually lets me do my own thing, had certain things she REALLY wanted for my wedding.

And yes, when you accept money from others you DO invite their input. And we were prepared to pay for a small DW in Florida until my school funding fell through and we had to pay my tuition unexpectedly. It was wedding to my parents' standards, or courthouse. We chose the wedding, and I'm glad we did. But I will never, EVER say it was easy or didn't involve some compromise to keep the peace.

Hazel_B

I agree with pps when they say that it really depends on the couple.

 Depending on how vital it is to your BF's mom, perhaps a casual BBQ reception will be necessary to compromise, if they go through with a DW. That's what friends of mine who got married in the Dominican did.

I think Jeana has a really good point about not having a full say about a guestlist. I know for a fact that some friends of mine had an A, B, C and guest list and hoped certain people wouldn't show so they could invite other people. I am not saying this is right, just that it likely happens more than we realize.

HobokensFury

I'm personally not a fan of DW because while it may cost less for the bride and groom it costs a lot for a guest.  I don't feel as though attending a wedding should be a financial burden on someone.  I know people will say there is always the option of saying no but depending on who the couple is saying no may not be an option.

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_destination-weddingsgood-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a8c14dc3-905b-46db-807f-49b87f5eeac7Post:8e546f8c-dcf1-46a7-938b-7534d5ab7ccb">Re: Destination Weddings...good or bad?</a>:
[QUOTE]I hate them.  Your asking people to spend their time and money on a vacation that you want, but they might not.  Also its at the time thats good for you not them.  It says that you don't focus on your guests, but on the romantic location.  Its find if you care most about the location, but its just not me. 
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

I disagree with this.  Weddings are always a time that is good for the bride and groom - not necessarily the guests.  That doesn't change DW or not.  Also, not everyone chooses a DW for it's romantic location.  Some couples have ties in another country and choose to marry there.  Perhaps one person from the couple is not native to where they are currently living.  And yeah, maybe people just want a nice vacation.  But that doesn't mean you are not focusing on your guests.  Your guests (who are the people that show up to the event) will be treated just as well as they would have been at home. 

AbigailMS

 I've had bad experiences with destination weddings, so i'm not a personal fan...even though these bad experiences were almost completely due to the people having them. But i respect everyone's opinions. Most of the PP's have very valid points.

 

jemmini6

I considered having a DW.  We would have had a very small guest list, but in the end, I knew it wouldn't work because there is no way even my most immediate family could afford to attend.  I also thought I would regret not having a lot of my family and friends there to celebrate with us....so we opted for the 'traditional' at home wedding.

Eventually, I would love to renew our vows on the beach in Hawaii where we got engaged.  Maybe in 10-15 years, we can do something like that and even have our future children present.  And hopefully my immediate family would be in a better financial situation to attend as well.

eliza261

my best friend is having a dw.. which is fine, except that you really have to take into consideration the price of the resort..it worked out for them because their family was going to be there already anyway for work.. but just the very expenive resort kind of sucks because  its a little out of my reach.. and we still have to get there.. so iworked something else out  not staying with everyone, which kind of sucks but im still able to be there for my best friends wedding..
so i guess im on the fence.. i would only go this far for a very good friend.. which she is...