Not Engaged Yet

Waiting for proposal vent!

This is my first time posting on the boards. Here's the background: my boyfriend and I were friends in high school and dated a few months. After attending colleges in different states, we started dating seriously in June 2007. A year later, he moved into the house across the street from me, where I often stayed over, as a kind of stepping point to us moving in together for real in June 2009.

So here we are now - we've been dating seriously almost 3 years, and have legitimately lived together for almost a year after faking it the previous year. We both have college degrees and steady jobs (he makes a LOT more than I do right now, but I'm getting a 2nd degree this December which will get me making by myself a very respectable salary). We have generalized, compatible conversations about marriage issues (money, family, kids, values, religion, education) without actually discussing marriage very often. He's a guy, so he doesn't bring it up. That makes me insecure so I don't bring it up until I'm upset about it not getting brought up.

My baby sister is getting married in 2 months, most of my close friends are married, engaged, buying homes and starting families, and I'm feeling pretty insecure about *why does he wait?* A lot of times guys wait because they have to finish school - he's been graduated almost 3 years now. Or they wait to get a good job - he's had a fantastic job for the same length of time. Or other worries of financial stability - he's probably more financially stable than 85% of Americans right now, no joke. These are the main reasons people wait, unless they aren't sure about the person - which I asked him about once or twice, and he firmly denied that he was unsure about me. 

So what gives, guys? What's he waiting for? 

Re: Waiting for proposal vent!

  • edited December 2011
    My guy was waiting for me. He was waiting for me to be done with school (grad program) and to get a good job because I said that I didn't want to get married until I had my ducks in a row.

    I think you need to gather the courage and have a timeline talk with your bf. Talk about future goals and plans you both have. Talk about work goals. Talk about when you both see yourselves getting married. Talk about when you would have kids (if any). Talk about it all. It wasn't until we had the timeline talk (once I finished school and got my job) that FI realized he didn't have to wait on me anymore and it was time to propose.

    GL
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  • MidniteRaeMidniteRae member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_waiting-proposal-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:aad9d9f9-7798-4343-b909-3e58789ffa46Post:7ef7a218-0d3d-4e4a-9a8e-b51921f2ff13">Waiting for proposal vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is my first time posting on the boards. Here's the background: my boyfriend and I were friends in high school and dated a few months. After attending colleges in different states, we started dating seriously in June 2007. A year later, he moved into the house across the street from me, where I often stayed over, as a kind of stepping point to us moving in together for real in June 2009. So here we are now - we've been dating seriously almost 3 years, and have legitimately lived together for almost a year after faking it the previous year. We both have college degrees and steady jobs (he makes a LOT more than I do right now, but I'm getting a 2nd degree this December which will get me making by myself a very respectable salary). We have generalized, compatible conversations about marriage issues (money, family, kids, values, religion, education) without actually discussing marriage very often. He's a guy, so he doesn't bring it up. That makes me insecure so I don't bring it up until I'm upset about it not getting brought up. My baby sister is getting married in 2 months, most of my close friends are married, engaged, buying homes and starting families, and I'm feeling pretty insecure about *why does he wait?* A lot of times guys wait because they have to finish school - he's been graduated almost 3 years now. Or they wait to get a good job - he's had a fantastic job for the same length of time. Or other worries of financial stability - he's probably more financially stable than 85% of Americans right now, no joke. These are the main reasons people wait, unless they aren't sure about the person - which I asked him about once or twice, and he firmly denied that he was unsure about me.  So what gives, guys? What's he waiting for? 
    Posted by elisabethashley[/QUOTE]

    If he is not ready, having money is not going to change that. Marriage is a big step. It doesn't matter if you two live together or not, marriage is a life long commitment. Maybe you should talk to him about this and figure out why and make a timeline(where does he want to be in a couple years, five years, ten years, etc. and same for you)
    ps. sorry if this post didn't make sense
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  • emarston1emarston1 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think your #1 problem is that you are asking a bunch of internet strangers rather than asking him.  Turn off the computer, find your BF, and have this discussion with him.  It's better to have the conversation while you are calm, cool, and collected NOT when you are upset about everyone else getting engaged and you haven't.

    Good luck!
  • edited December 2011
    A while back I finally grew a backbone and asked my BF what he was waiting for. It opened up an amazing conversation and we were finally able to get everything out in the open. And you know what? As soon as we did that I stopped caring about getting a ring. Turns out I was putting so much pressure on myself for it because I somehow felt that it would validate my relationship so then I could look around at all my friends who were getting married and feel like an equal instead of some kid that just got left behind.

    I'm not saying that's the case with you but it certainly seems like a posibility. At the very least you need to have a serious discussion with him.
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  • edited December 2011
    Obviously, not knowing the situation completely it just sounds like he's not ready.  Don't get caught up in what your friends and family are doing, though.  Your boyfriend is not required to propose within a timeline that is appropriate for other people.  Some people, and it's not just men, are cautious and unsure about marriage.  If you're both on the same page about your future together with kids, etc, you need to have an honest conversation and flat out discuss whether or not you're both on the same page about marriage.  Whatever you do, don't pressure him.  He will resent you for it and you shouldn't have to pressure someone to propose.  Seriously, just have the conversation.  And I know, it can be scary and really awkward to have that kind of talk, but just do it and it will be done.
  • katanne9katanne9 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Maybe he isn't ready. Maybe he doesn't want to propose while you've got it on the brain. Maybe he doesn't want to propose to avoid it being something you're doing because your sister and your bfs are doing it. There are a million reasons he is waiting. You should sit down and chat with him. Be honest with each other.
  • edited December 2011
    I think that a 'where do you see yourself in 5 years' talk is the way to go about this.  Ask him where he sees himself in 5 years?  Where does he see your relationship in 5 years? 10 years?  Answer the questions yourself.  You both need to be honest about what you want from each other and from the relationship. 


    Proposing was not on my DH's radar in the sense of the actual proposal.  We knew that we were going to get married.  We knew that we were going to move across the state and were house hunting to do so.  He knew that I would not actually move unless we were engaged.  It clicked when I made an off-hand comment about school districts during house hunting.  He asked me why I gave a certain amount of time until we would need to worry about school districts.  I rattled off a tentative timeline with us getting married in the next 1-2 years and he said that he did NOT want to wait any longer to be married to me.  He proposed during that conversation.  We were married 6 months later and now we are expecting our 1st child.  However, we were always on the same page when it came to our 5 and 10 year plans and talked about the future/our marriage a lot before ever getting engaged. 
  • edited December 2011
    You definitely need to sit down and have an adult conversation with him about marriage and where he sees both himself and you both as a couple/unit in the next 1, 2, 5, 10 years. He could have a total rational reason for waiting ("I want to put more money in the bank", "I want to be more financially stable", "I want to wait until you're out of school", etc.), or he could just be of the mindset (sorry for the awful phrase but it's the only one I can think of) of "why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free". For all you know, he could be waiting because he's not sure you're ready. Most guys I know would not propose until they were damn sure they'd get a "yes" answer.

    If you're not ready to sit down and have this kind of adult conversation, then you're not ready to get married, period. I think having this conversation would be extremely beneficial to you both in terms of knowing where you both stand and what you want, as well as learning more about your partner.

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  • edited December 2011
    Very valid advice given above.

    I totally with Oceana that he may simply be waiting because he is not sure that you are ready and would say yes... but ti could also be other reasons.  He may make a good living and be financially stable but he might be concerned about what cost are related to getting married or will come about after (i.e. popping out babies which I know is a concern fro some people).  I know a few people who got married recently with an agreement that they would not have kids for 2-5 years and enjoy just being the two of them because one or both of them was ready to-be married but far from ready to be a parent.  These are all things having your 2, 5, 10 year conversation would eliminate the question on. 

    Also, I have only lived with one person (my ex husband and we didn't move in together until we were engaged) and am moving in with BF soon(we've discussed everything and would be engaged except he wants a ring on my finger first) so maybe I'm not with it... but how in the hell do you move in with your significant other and have not had the future conversation?! 
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  • edited December 2011
    The only person who can answer this question for you is your BF.  We don't know you or your BF and can only guess as to why he's waiting.

    If you're worried about scaring him off, then I think that speaks to bigger problems.  If a guy is serious about you, and sees himself marrying you eventually, then having this conversation won't scare him off.  If he does go running for the hills, then he was nowhere *near* to wanting to marry you, and it's better that you find this out sooner rather than later.  This all assumes, of course, that you have this conversation in a very adult way about where you see things going in the next few years.  Pressuring someone for a ring and marriage NOW would be scary to anyone. Don't do that.
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  • edited December 2011
    Thanks for the responses, guys. It turns out I really had nothing to worry about - he had already bought the ring a few weeks before I posted this and was waiting for some nice weather to propose at the beach! We got engaged April 2nd. <3<3
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_waiting-proposal-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:aad9d9f9-7798-4343-b909-3e58789ffa46Post:702f4fe9-379b-454d-9b96-8e2d45699ce1">Re: Waiting for proposal vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the responses, guys. It turns out I really had nothing to worry about - he had already bought the ring a few weeks before I posted this and was waiting for some nice weather to propose at the beach! We got engaged April 2nd. <3 <3
    Posted by elisabethashley[/QUOTE]


    Thanks for letting us know.  It had been keeping me up at night.
  • edited December 2011
    Congratulations!
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