How long is long enough?

foureyes07

BF and I were talking and he asked how long people typically date for before getting engaged. I told him that it varies but that the longer you wait the more support you get from the people in your life. We have only been together for 7 months and while we are both very much in love and have told each other that we will get married we are tentative to get engaged as we are worried that instead of celebrating it we will have to justify it to people who think that we haven't been together long enough. So I am wondering what everyone thinks, how long is long enough?

calindi

This is silly.  It totally depends on what you believe, what is normal among your friends and family, and what's common in the area you're from.

For me, if we dated under a year people really would have given us the side-eye.  Somewhere around 2 years is usually normal.

bethsmiles

I looked up the average once, its about 1-1.5 years. But its different for every couple depending on your age, financial situation, ect...

From the discussion BF and I have had by the time we get engaged we will have been dating around 5 years, obviously that is longer than a lot of couples but we are young and want to finish school.

Many of my friends only dated their FIs or Hs for less than a year before getting engaged. There is no right amount of time it all depends on the couple.

musikbx

There's really no cookie cutter answer to this question.

It takes a while to develop the kind of friendship that is necessary for a long-term relationship. It also takes a while for you two to learn about each other's quirks, and navigate inevitable roadblocks in the relationship. The amount of time this takes is different for everyone.

notquiteblushing

It depends on the couple and their relationship.  FWIW we dated for only 14 months before we got engaged and then were engaged for 18 months before we were married.  But we were 29/28 when we got engaged and 30/30 when we got married.

Roo726

I think age plays a significant role.  When i was younger i was fancy free and didn't care nor know what i wanted.  Now however, i would have dumped you by the 2nd date if you weren't marriage material.  So I think that is a huge factor.  My BF and I are 27/28 respectively and do discuss marriage regularly.  We have only been together 9 months or so, but Since we were getting older, it seems more resonable.

deburnin

I personally give people the side-eye if they've been together less than a year but I don't think there's a right length of time.

ETA: The side-eye is usually reserved for  people my own age.

StarGazingHiker

Definitely different for everyone! My sister dated about a year before getting engaged and they were engaged for 2 years before getting married... I've know people to date for 8 months and 6 months later get married and I've seen a few years before getting engaged. We'll have been dating probably 7 or 8 years before we get engaged and probably 8 or 9 years before getting married...

It definitely depends on the people in the relationship!

foureyes07

Thanks so much everyone. Really appreciated the help!

loves2shop4shoes

I'm 22, FI is 25.  We've been dating for 3 years and just got engaged.  We'll be engaged for about 2 years before we get married.

Goldlie11

I'm going to be honest, I think walking down the aisle after knowing each other less than a year is strange to me except in rare situations (like you were friends before you started dating).  I don't think a year is required get engaged, but it the wedding occurs before the 1 year mark, I kind of think what's the rush?

[Deleted User]

I'm 36, FI will be 42 in 2 months.  We got engaged at 10 months.  It was right for us.  As everyone else has said, it's up to the individual couple as to what is right for them. 

I know couples at my church who dated for a month before they got married and are still happily married 50 years later.  Then there's my cousin who lived with her now ex-husband for 7 years (they were engaged for 3 of those years) before they got married at age 28 and were divorced within a year. 

There is definitely no set answer to how long is enough.

KD+BC

I think it really depends on age and the couple. For example, my cousin met his wife In June, was engaged in December, married in May, and had their first child in September (they got pregnant right after getting engaged) and hardly anyone blinked an eye because they are just so perfect for each other. They have their share of problems and issues but that's how my cousin is, he knows what he wants.

On the other hand, my other cousin met his wife and got engaged about 14 months later and got married 5 months later and a lot of people wondered what the rush was. He had a lot of justifying to do even though he was the same age as our other cousin, and had dated her longer, because people could see the toxicity of their relationship.

leia1979

It totally varies. For one friend, it was nine years. For my grandparents, it was one day (so the story goes).

Personally, I think two years is good, but I'm not going to judge someone who takes less than that (unless they're early '20s or younger, and then I'll totally judge).

tafft1

I think sometimes age is a factor but overall I dont believe in avergae time , etc.
My husband and I were together only 7 months before he proposed - and only 3 months of living together - but we both knew what we wanted from one another and we are anything but in a typical relationship which can be a factor , but most of all , it was right for both of us.

I think it's more important for someone younger ( meaning early 20's) to make sure they have discovered who they are on their own before being with someone else. Life experience in these times is crucial and we learn alot about ourselves in my opinion. When I me my DH I was 31 and ready to settle down , as was he. But we both before meeting one another went through alot of life changes , ups and downs that got us to the point in our lives where we realized what we needed - in the end it was each other

motoLyn

All the posts above are true, it really depends on so many factors, age, previous relationship (whether you were friends first) and financial means.  My boyfriend and I met as friends ( I was dating someone else) we knew each other about a year before he and I started to date.  The previous relationship I was in I dated the guy for three years and finally realized he wasn't the man I was suppose to be with or want to be for the rest of my life.  Took me three years to realize that.  Took me six months with my BF to realize this time that he and are perfect for each other.  So as our one year anniversary creeps up this week, he and I have been shopping for the e-ring.  He's turning 29 and I'm turning 28 this fall and we've been living together for three months now.  But we are planning to get married in summer of 2012.

I used to think I would want to date a guy for at least 2 years before getting engaged but sometimes you know, you just do and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  

Side note* I really do not like shopping for e-rings, I get so burnt out.

jemmini6

My fiance (I love saying that) and I knew we were going to get married after about 5 months of dating.  Although for our age, we both agreed that getting engaged any less than a year would have been weird.  We've been together now just under 2 years and just got engaged this last Friday.

Like everyone said, it really depends on the whole situation, but in a very general opinion, I think less than a year still gets the side eye from a lot of people.

CWill16

People will judge you no matter what you do. Just be logical in your decisons and do what is right for you.

Some people date for 10 years and end up divorced. Others date for 3 weeks and spend their whole lives together. There is no set rule, but I think average is about 2 years prior to proposal.

whitma87

like everyone is saying, i think it depends on age/maturity. if your older, couples tend to not wait as long. im 21 and my FI is 31, and weve been together for 4 years, and have our wedding a month before our 5 year.

emelri27

BF and I have been talking seriously about engagement for the past few weeks. He says he'll feel better about actually proposing after we've been dating at least a year (which is in a few weeks!), but I know he'll wait a few months after that. We both know that we're going to get married one day, and like everyone else said it definitely depends on the couple.
I'm probably going to be one of those people whom everyone judges since we're both 22, but I guess I don't see the huge advantage of waiting a few more years just to wait a few more years. I know he's the one, we'll both be graduated from college, and I at least have a job and he'll be looking. We'd both be looked down upon in our family if we were to move in together before we were married, so ultimately it's the right decision for us not to wait that much longer. So basically the whole point of that paragraph is that it depends on the situation too

.

Hazel_B

I think above posters are correct, there a ton of different factors and individual characteristics to be considered.

Where I grew up this would definitely get the side eye, unless you were in your 30s. However, where I grew up people wait to get married until they are ready for kids. So, people will date for years and year and then decide they want children and do the engagement, marriage and kids in a very quick timeline.

LizzyTish88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-long-enough?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ac8f7afd-837f-426a-afcc-d9647f9f5210Post:e891cb32-86e6-445f-b55f-b8b33aadc068">Re: How long is long enough?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>People will judge you no matter what you do. Just be logical in your decisons and do what is right for you</strong>. Some people date for 10 years and end up divorced. Others date for 3 weeks and spend their whole lives together. There is no set rule, but I think average is about 2 years prior to proposal.
Posted by CWill16[/QUOTE]

This. I think that no matter what people are going to talk. I also agree with PPs that age is a huge factor. I myself clearly fall under no general category because BF and I have been together 8 years this coming November and have no plans to get engaged anytime soon because of school and finances. There is no set in stone time, you have to do what's right for the both of you.

meganyani

We were actually together for 6 months when he proposed. We "knew" each other online for a couple of years though. Online = everything is sped up because of how much you talk.

I've been living with him for 7 months now and we are more in love than ever.

No one has really judged us, at least from what I've heard around the grapevine. Then again, we're both from rural areas. /shrug.

The only people who can say what is right are the two in the realtionship

prodigalgirl

I think it definitely depends on the situation.  There are many factors involved here!

For me, we haven't been together for a long time (months, like you), but we are both older with a clearer idea of what we're looking for.  We also have full support of family and friends because they can see how compatible we are.

I think a couple in their thirties who have been dating for months and have support of family would be better received than a couple right out of high school who have been high school sweethearts for years but whose parents aren't supportive of the relationship.

Does that make any sense?

nefariousmango

I give the side-eye to anyone under 30 who gets married within the first three years of knowing one another as good friends and/or dating.  I think it does depend on where you live etc.  Here, my friend got engaged after a year and married in another year, and everyone thought that was too quick.  My husband's family in the south has no problem with people getting engaged and married that "quickly." 

From a neurological/psychological perspective, it takes 3 years to get to know someone well enough to judge them fairly (eg. to overcome the "honeymoon" phase and to sort out what is really annoying vs. what you can deal with).  That's why I say three years min.  Plus, I don't really understand the rush for people on the younger side of things!  If you're going to be together forever, a marriage license won't change anything except the legal BS.

nottheonlydreamer44

I am so late to this party but I totally agree with everyone else. It does depend on your specific situation (I think less on where you're from IMHO). I was with my ExH 17 months before we got engaged then waited another 18 months to get married. We made it 4 months before I said I wanted to seperate.

I think I am probably the one who gets the biggest side-eye on here as FI and I have only been together for 5.5 months. However, we've known each other for 10 years (went to HS together) and been friends during that time. We got together, it clicked and we bought a house together within 2.5 months. We're 26/27 and have lived on our own, supported ourselves, he's in his career field and I'm finishing my Master's while working.

^ <----- I do not recommend this for everyone it is hard and we definitely have our ups and downs. We've also had major things happen that have pushed us to move faster. 

All in all it is about what you're comfortable with no timeline is perfect.

foureyes07

A lot of really good points. Thanks again guys!

Beads921

I'm going to repeat what everyone just said: It depends on the couple. I do think 7 months is a bit quick (and I might give you a side-eye, although that would be situation dependent), but hey, everyone is different. We're about to hit our official 3 year anniversary, and I know that marriage isn't in the cards anytime soon, but that's us. By this time, many couples would be married already!

I don't think you should be making your plans based on what you suspect others might think, though, because really, it's no one's business but your own.