Not Engaged Yet

Re: Seeking Advice

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_seeking-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:af66ca4b-9f6d-44e2-b5ee-a69581082091Post:205fa707-e1ee-4d65-ba79-6bcad3909af4">Seeking Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]My soon-to-be fiance and I have been together for almost four years and he is 19 years my senior.

    <strong>Question #1 - how old are you, and how old is he?
    </strong>
    <strong>Statement #1 - There is no such thing as a "future fiance". He's your boyfriend.</strong>

    He is everything I could ever ask for, but is "embarrased" about having a wedding.
     
    <strong>What does he find embarrassing? Being the center of attention? Being around large crowds of people? Getting married in the first place? Is this his first marriage?</strong>

    We have talked about comprimises we could make but can't seem to come to a conclusion. He wants to get hitched in Vegas and I want a tasteful, small, but fun ceremony and reception with our family and friends (mostly my F&Fs, whom adore him). I am the only girl in my family and can't think about not having my Dad walk me down the isle or my family not being there for this big day in my life, they would be very dissapointed if they were not included. No one in his family has really ever had a "real wedding" they mostly just get hitched at the court house and I'm not sure how to help him understand why this is so important. Money is not an issue either. Having a wedding in Vegas is not an option, due to elderly family members not being able to travel and not wanting to put the financial burden of travel on guests. So, is it ok to have a ceremony with only immediate family to help him be less "embarrased" and invite eveyone to a reception for the sake of comprimise? I <font color="#ff0000"><strong>feel this option is rude to everyone who doesn't get to witness the ceremony and then bust into a reception room with my dress on.
    </strong></font>
    <strong>Absolutely accurate assessment. </strong>

    I don't know what other options we have to include everone who has been waiting for this day for a long while. Thanks for listening or rather reading. What should we do?

    <strong>1. Are you even engaged yet? Because if you're not, you really don't need to be worrying about <em>any</em> of this until you are, in fact, engaged.

    2. Once you are engaged, youu both need to sit down and have some more serious discussions about what is important to you, and him, and what, if any, compromises can be made.

    The only somewhat realistic option I can suggest is having a private <u>destination</u> ceremony with your immediate families (as in, parents and siblings only), and then having an at-home reception/party after-the-fact. Having a private ceremony, followed by a full-on reception in the same day is pretty rude - it implies that your guests weren't good enough to attend the ceremony, but they're good enough to show up and bring you a gift. That may not be the way you intend it to come across, but that's how it tends to be look at as.  </strong>

    Posted by anderia_06[/QUOTE]

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  • edited December 2011
  • edited December 2011
    Get engaged first, then worry about the logistics of a wedding.
  • edited December 2011
    Thank you for you advice. This is exactly what I needed to hear to make an accurate rebutale to his remarks when we talk about this.

    I am 26 and he is 45. He is mostly embarrased about the ceremony and standing in front of everyone. He was previously married before for 20+ years. They had a "shotgun wedding" due to an unexpected child coming. His parents basically made him get married. They're very old school. We are planning to get a ring when we get back from vacation, sometime in the fall. This is why I am thinking ahead, because my family is basically talking about the wedding already and this is what we know is in our future.

    I love your statement about F&Fs not feeling worthy enough to be apart of our special day and then expecting to provide a gift. Thank you again!
  • edited December 2011
    Oh, handy Intro sheet...

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_introduce-yourself-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:08787e48-8a3e-4792-8700-ef1d66b164fbPost:8c687f1a-68fe-4b2e-bcad-64d0e1def65b">Re: Introduce Yourself Here!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Screen Name: anderia_06

    Age:<font color="#ff0000">26 </font>

    Significant Other's Age:<font color="#ff0000">45 </font>

    What You Do: currently unemployed to finish my degree

    What SO Does: business owner

    State of Relationship: <font color="#ff0000">pre engaged, as i call it </font>

    How Long You've Been Together: <font color="#ff0000">almost 4 years </font>

    Fur Babies: 2 dogs

    Favorite Color: turquoise

    Favorite Thing About Your SO: very giving and generous

    Hobbies/Activities: arts & crafts, traveling

    Describe Your Personality: good 'ol southern gal, I'd like to think I'm classy and somewhat conservative, but fun!

    Tell Us Something Interesting About Yourself: I recently gave up my job and wonderful salary to move to Wyoming for the summer and live in an RV with my BF while he does work here. It is an amazing break from reality and can't thank him enough for supporting me and breaking me free from "the grind"
    Posted by anderia_06[/QUOTE]
  • edited December 2011
    I disagree a LITTLE bit with posters who say you shouldn't think about this until you're engaged (respectfully disagree, obviously). I think that even though it's only ONE DAY that really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, you need to be able to compromise together. That's the most important relationship skill I can think of. Compromise. Because no two people will EVER agree all the time, not even on big things.

    You should not plan out your wedding. But you should be able to agree on a general size/feel. I mean, a hometown wedding and eloping to Vegas are VERY different ideas.

    I was also nervous about standing up in front of a lot of people for our ceremony. We had originally wanted like 30 guests, and we ended up with 85 (we thought we would have 100). I didn't notice a single one of them during the ceremony. The chairs could have been filled with giant potatoes and it wouldn't have made a difference to me.

    But you shouldn't force someone into a wedding they don't want. So, you guys DO need to work this out. Think about why you want what you want. Make a list of pro's and con's. Then do the same thing for what he wants. Ask him to do this, too. Compare your wants/needs/expectations with each other, along with your reasons for wanting/not wanting what you do.

    You don't need a decision right now, since you're not engaged and everything changes when you're actually sitting down talking about budget, guest list, and logistics. You guy basically need to get to a point that's NOT a stalemate. Someone needs to be open to compromising, and you need some leads on solutions that might work.

    If you can't work out a wedding, you'll never work out the rest of the stuff you have to deal with in a marriage.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_seeking-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:af66ca4b-9f6d-44e2-b5ee-a69581082091Post:43fb3306-de56-4063-8642-e0be6974f3be">Re: Seeking Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]I disagree a LITTLE bit with posters who say you shouldn't think about this until you're engaged (respectfully disagree, obviously). I think that even though it's only ONE DAY that really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, you need to be able to compromise together. That's the most important relationship skill I can think of. Compromise. Because no two people will EVER agree all the time, not even on big things. You should not plan out your wedding. <strong>But you should be able to agree on a general size/feel. I mean, a hometown wedding and eloping to Vegas are VERY different ideas</strong>. I was also nervous about standing up in front of a lot of people for our ceremony. We had originally wanted like 30 guests, and we ended up with 85 (we thought we would have 100). I didn't notice a single one of them during the ceremony. The chairs could have been filled with giant potatoes and it wouldn't have made a difference to me. But you shouldn't force someone into a wedding they don't want. So, you guys DO need to work this out. Think about why you want what you want. Make a list of pro's and con's. Then do the same thing for what he wants. Ask him to do this, too. Compare your wants/needs/expectations with each other, along with your reasons for wanting/not wanting what you do. <strong>You don't need a decision right now, since you're not engaged and everything changes when you're actually sitting down talking about budget, guest list, and logistics. You guy basically need to get to a point that's NOT a stalemate.</strong> Someone needs to be open to compromising, and you need some leads on solutions that might work.<strong> If you can't work out a wedding, you'll never work out the rest of the stuff you have to deal with in a marriage.
    </strong>Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

    I definitely agree with you in that they need to be able to sit down and talk about this and be able to compromise on this, and other, big life issues. However, discussing =/= planning. I think you explained that pretty well...I couldn't tell from the OP's post whether they were just <em>talking</em> or were attempting to <em>plan</em> pre-engagement.

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  • edited December 2011
    I'm sorry, all I can think is "Ewww".  Where's my Judgey McJudgerson hat?
    image
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_seeking-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:af66ca4b-9f6d-44e2-b5ee-a69581082091Post:5213b752-0a42-482f-b49c-bd7d8ee69d8e">Re: Seeking Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you for you advice. This is exactly what I needed to hear to make an accurate rebutale to his remarks when we talk about this.<strong> I am 26 and he is 45.</strong> He is mostly embarrased about the ceremony and standing in front of everyone. <strong>He was previously married before for 20+ years</strong>. <strong>They had a "shotgun wedding" due to an unexpected child coming. </strong>His parents basically made him get married. They're very old school. We are planning to get a ring when we get back from vacation, sometime in the fall. This is why I am thinking ahead, because my family is basically talking about the wedding already and this is what we know is in our future. I love your statement about F&Fs not feeling worthy enough to be apart of our special day and then expecting to provide a gift. Thank you again!
    Posted by anderia_06[/QUOTE]

    A little word problem for you...

    If a 45-year-old man has been in a 4 year relationship and was previously married for 20+ years, how old was he when he got married?  How old is his 'unexpected child?'  How old was he when he got divorced?


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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_seeking-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:af66ca4b-9f6d-44e2-b5ee-a69581082091Post:5213b752-0a42-482f-b49c-bd7d8ee69d8e">Re: Seeking Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you for you advice. This is exactly what I needed to hear to make an accurate rebutale to his remarks when we talk about this. <strong>I am 26 and he is 45.</strong> He is mostly embarrased about the ceremony and standing in front of everyone. <strong>He was previously married before for 20+ years.</strong> They had a <strong>"shotgun wedding" due to an unexpected child coming</strong>. His parents basically made him get married. They're very old school. We are planning to get a ring when we get back from vacation, sometime in the fall. This is why I am thinking ahead, because my family is basically talking about the wedding already and this is what we know is in our future. I love your statement about F&Fs not feeling worthy enough to be apart of our special day and then expecting to provide a gift. Thank you again!
    Posted by anderia_06[/QUOTE]

    Not be McJudgypants, but I'm a little confused, perhaps you can clarify?

    If he was in a 20+ year shotgun marriage <em>prior</em> to meeting you, and you've been together for 4 years,

    a) How old was he when he got married the first time?

    b) How long was he divorced when you two met? Was he divorced?

    c) Does that mean he has a child that is approximately around your age?


    Um, yeah.

    That being said...

    As hard as it may be, tell your family that you will love to share your wedding plans with them once you're actually engaged and making solid plans. If they keep bringing it up, bean dip them. It works magic.

    Invited-here-but-not-there weddings are in my Top 5 Rude Wedding Ideas. The reversal is just as bad. As in, "<em>you're good enough to come watch us commit ourselves to one another in front of God, but we're not forking out $$$ for your dinner."</em>

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  • edited December 2011
    Sorry- My brain fizzed out at soon-to-be fiance. Is thats the same as boyfriend or the ever popular future fiance?
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  • edited December 2011
    WAIT.

    His kid is your age?

    I was trying so hard not to pay attention to the age difference. But that's just...... eek.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    Wow... I guess I thought I could be honest and get a bit of non-judgemental advice from my fellow woman, but I guess not. Age is but a number and I feel sorry for those of you who are so closed minded. Our relationship is just like yours, everyone has quirks to their relationship, NO ONE is perfect. We are good people, who give back and are able to afford many luxuries in life. I didn't think I would feel so attacked by asking a simple question, trying to be honest. I guess the world is just one big judgemental cat fight.

    Thank you to those who have been non-judgemental and given your advice.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_seeking-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:af66ca4b-9f6d-44e2-b5ee-a69581082091Post:7a64e71d-9f23-43db-b533-42a7952910f0">Re: Seeking Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]WAIT. His kid is your age? I was trying so hard not to pay attention to the age difference. But that's just...... eek.
    Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

    Um, if he was married at 18, his kid would be <em>older than her. </em>MEGAEEK.

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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_seeking-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:af66ca4b-9f6d-44e2-b5ee-a69581082091Post:ec420994-2abe-42dc-ae99-37bfa788101c">Re: Seeking Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]I guess the world is just one big judgemental cat fight.
    Posted by anderia_06[/QUOTE]

    Welcome to the internet.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_seeking-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:af66ca4b-9f6d-44e2-b5ee-a69581082091Post:ec420994-2abe-42dc-ae99-37bfa788101c">Re: Seeking Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow... I guess I thought I could be honest and get a bit of non-judgemental advice from my fellow woman, but I guess not. Age is but a number and I feel sorry for those of you who are so closed minded. Our relationship is just like yours, everyone has quirks to their relationship, NO ONE is perfect. <strong>We are good people, who give back and are able to afford many luxuries in life.</strong> I didn't think I would feel so attacked by asking a simple question, trying to be honest. I guess the world is just one big judgemental cat fight. Thank you to those who have been non-judgemental and given your advice.
    Posted by anderia_06[/QUOTE]

    So you WERE the other woman?  Good to know. 

    Edited because...
    What the eff does the bolded sentence have to do with anything? 
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_seeking-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:af66ca4b-9f6d-44e2-b5ee-a69581082091Post:ec420994-2abe-42dc-ae99-37bfa788101c">Re: Seeking Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow... I guess I thought I could be honest and get a bit of non-judgemental advice from my fellow woman, but I guess not. Age is but a number and I feel sorry for those of you who are so closed minded. Our relationship is just like yours, everyone has quirks to their relationship, NO ONE is perfect. We are good people, who give back and are able to afford many luxuries in life. I didn't think I would feel so attacked by asking a simple question, trying to be honest. I guess the world is just one big judgemental cat fight. Thank you to those who have been non-judgemental and given your advice.
    Posted by anderia_06[/QUOTE]

    Considering that <em>you</em> put the information out there for us to read, I think the questions posed to you were pretty reasonable and warranted asking.

    I also notice that you didn't bother answering <em>any of them. </em>

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  • edited December 2011
    I'm curious as to what her future step-child would say about step-mommy being their age or (gasp) younger!  

    OP, Age is just a number to an extent, but come on if there is a child involved that is your age or older aka he IS actually old enough to be your father you have to know that some people will be grossed out by that!
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  • edited December 2011
    Maybe that's why he's embarrassed about having a wedding. Embarassed

    I'm not TRYING to be mean, here. I'm just stating a thought.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_seeking-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:af66ca4b-9f6d-44e2-b5ee-a69581082091Post:205fa707-e1ee-4d65-ba79-6bcad3909af4">Seeking Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]j
    Posted by anderia_06[/QUOTE]

    That "Quote" button sucks, doesn't it?

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  • edited December 2011
    OP, you were quoted, so there was no point in deleting. 

    You made the details public for people to read.  When you were asked questions, you did not answer them.  When this happens, people have to draw their own conclusions.  The details you gave lead to a couple of different scenarios.  I don't see how anyone would NOT judge those scenarios.  If you've been in a relationship with him for 4 years, I don't understand why you would be surprised by any of the reactions on here.   

    And Jeana, I had that exact same thought.
  • edited December 2011
    Love you ladies :-)
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_seeking-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:af66ca4b-9f6d-44e2-b5ee-a69581082091Post:0ec41a28-7fb5-4150-8d56-287d7e5519e8">Re: Seeking Advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]Maybe that's why he's embarrassed about having a wedding. I'm not TRYING to be mean, here. I'm just stating a thought.
    Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

    This was my original thought, but I didn't want to be the "meany" that said it first, so I just didn't respond to the thread.

    Age may be just a number between the TWO of you, but in generally acceptable civil society, an age difference that drastic is well...drastic.  And it will draw attention.  And it may even embarass people.  Maybe not you, OP, but does it embarass him and he just hasn't told you?  Would it embarass his CHILD if you had a big fancy wedding and showed off your age difference?  Even if age doesn't matter to the two of you, your BF may feel reservations at putting his child in an uncomfortable position of dealing with questions of peers and other family members when his step-mother is YOUNGER than him.  Just something to think about, I'm really not trying to be rude here.
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    edited December 2011
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