Pre engagement (?) freak out

nyiri89

My boyfriend and i have been together for two years. We have started talking about getting engaged. While he is a really wonderful guy, and i know that no one else would ever love and care for me the way he does, part of me gets very scared at the thought of forever.

Some (very relevant) background info. I lost my mother suddenly when I was a teenager. my granddad whom i was also very close to died the morning of her funeral. After losing these two people in my life, I hadn't been able to keep any relationships. If I didn't invent some bs reason to end things, I'd just sabotage myself. the thought of getting close to someone after losing my mother and granddad horrified me. The fact that i have been able to keep a relationship this long is a miracle. don't get me wrong, my relationship isn't perfect, we have our ups and downs but we work through them. But for the life of me, I can't understand why I'm so afraid of spending my life with someone who loves me and who I feel I love back.

it's weird because when i bring up the future, he keeps saying "nothing is guaranteed yet'' or my favorite, 'i cant' predict the future", yet when he brings up the future, he has the money for my ring together, can't wait for it to happen etc., etc., so frustrating. so on top of dealing with my own issue, now I constantly disect what his deal is.
 

I'm sorry if i sound like a crazy person. i just really needed to get this out. If anyone has any advice, i'd really appreciate it!

-E

peekaboo2011

I think this is beyond the scope of internet forum advice.  Have you been to counseling to talk through these issues?

nyiri89

i have and it's definitely a process. i just wanted to know aside from my own studd, if anyone else has gotten nervous about getting engaged? yes i'm excited, at the thought. but all of the stuff that comes with getting engaged (money for a wedding, the whole process of planning it, etc., has made anyone else nervous?

steign

First off, there is no such thing as pre engagement. You're either engaged or you aren't.

Second, it sounds like you have some things and issues going on in your life that you should work on and concentrate before you get engaged. I'm very sorry about your losses. I couldn't imagine losing a parent at a young age. Have you seen a counselor about some of the things you mentioned in your OP? Specifcally the part about getting close to people scares you? I think talking with someone will help you come to terms with your fear of people hurting you. I've gone through something similiar. I was in a bad relationship about 6 years ago that ended really, really bad and I never imagined I could let anyone in my life again after the hell I went through. Seeing a therapist was a saving grace for me to deal with my issues. I think therapy is the best way to go from here.

nyiri89

"First off, there is no such thing as pre engagement. You're either engaged or you aren't"

I don't know if you noticed, but this is a "not yet engaged' board. what exactly would you like me to call it?

Snarky first lines are always conducive, aren't they? Thank you.

steign

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_pre-engagement-freak-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:af73a2bd-357e-44de-9e66-d2ff69152329Post:a94de516-75e2-4205-a09a-2aedc1265ce8">Re: Pre engagement (?) freak out</a>:
[QUOTE]"First off, there is no such thing as pre engagement. You're either engaged or you aren't" <strong>I don't know if you noticed, but this is a "not yet engaged' board. what exactly would you like me to call it?</strong> Snarky first lines are always conducive, aren't they? Thank you.
Posted by eb1916[/QUOTE]

It's called a relationship?

ETA: Also, it wasn't meant to be snarky. Just trying to point out that you have a boyfriend. Not a pre fiance. Sorry if you took it that way.

OneLuckyNurse

I am so sorry for you loss, No advice here to give but good thoughs headed your way

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_pre-engagement-freak-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:af73a2bd-357e-44de-9e66-d2ff69152329Post:38268f52-6aa9-4a18-b584-fb84965a5360">Re: Pre engagement (?) freak out</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>i have and it's definitely a process.</strong> i just wanted to know aside from my own studd, if anyone else has gotten nervous about getting engaged? yes i'm excited, at the thought. but all of the stuff that comes with getting engaged (money for a wedding, the whole process of planning it, etc., has made anyone else nervous?
Posted by eb1916[/QUOTE]

I think it's good you are working through this with a professional. It's definitely not something that will be fixed overnight but progress is still progress :)

There are times I get nervous about getting engaged/married. Not because I doubt that BF is the man I want to spend forever with but because the future is something I have a tendency to worry about. We can never predict the future and there is always the possibility that something totally unexpected will come up and mess up our plans or just make life harder. But when it comes down to it no matter how long we wait or how much we plan there is always the possibility of the unexpected so eventually you just have to accept that and move forward - I have to remind myself of that a lot.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_pre-engagement-freak-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:af73a2bd-357e-44de-9e66-d2ff69152329Post:307d6118-dfd7-4a2f-aa40-96c2c668fb47">Re: Pre engagement (?) freak out</a>:
[QUOTE]First off, there is no such thing as pre engagement. You're either engaged or you aren't.
Posted by steign[/QUOTE]

Eh...I don't think she was meaning this like some BSC newbs do - as an excuse to pre-plan more as a way to explain that her and her SO were in a place in their relationship where engagement/marriage is being discussed and possibly coming soon.

steign

Yes, agreed and I didn't mean for it to be snarky at all so I apologize. I just don't understand when people call it pre engagement, that's all.

s-aries8990

If you're that nervous about getting engaged RIGHT NOW, ask him to wait.

 I did. BF and I were going out for almost 2 years and he wanted to get married. I was still only 18 and just started college. He gave me a promise ring instead, and I still wear it every day. The next time we started talking about it, We were at the 5 year mark but family crap hit the fan BIG time, so I asked to push off talking about it again because the thought was too stressful. Now we're approaching the 6 year mark and I'm feeling much less stress and pressure about the whole thing - family crap still hasn't settled, but at least mentally and emotionally I'm in a much better place than before (even though I'm not in a good place logistically KWIM?).

And ditto Steign, it's not a pre-engagement. I have a promise ring, not a "pre-engagement" ring. AND, if you are feeling so anxious about it, don't call it a pre-engagement. Stop it! Right now! Please! Do it! It'll be a lot LESS stressful if you just refer to it as your relationship. I promise.

s-aries8990

And also, just ask him to stop talking about it too. I LITERALLY cannot move out of my house without my family losing it, so I have to ask BF to stop asking me about when I'm moving in with him. If you love him so much, and he loves you, you should be able to have that conversation. Good luck!

peekaboo2011

Sydaries is wise.  Listen to her.

If you're not ready, tell him that.  Getting engaged is supposed to be exciting, not something that causes you a ridiculous amount of stress.  If you're old enough to get engaged and get married, you're old enough to have an honest conversation with your SO about how you're feeling about that process, and whether or not you're ready.  If you can't have that conversation, you aren't ready and you shouldn't get engaged/married.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_pre-engagement-freak-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:af73a2bd-357e-44de-9e66-d2ff69152329Post:5cea3748-0563-4767-bd46-d301b89f2e82">Re:Pre engagement? freak out</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, agreed and I didn't mean for it to be snarky at all so I apologize. I just don't understand when people call it pre engagement, that's all.
Posted by steign[/QUOTE]

pre engagement as in, before she gets engaged. 

OP - marriage is a huge life committment.  I think it's absolutely normal to have some questions as to whether or not the two of you are ready for that committment.  I wasn't so nervous about the "marriage" part, but more the "wedding planning" part.  planning a wedding can be stressful.  I had a lot of family drama plus the blending of two cultures that played into the stress of planning my wedding. 

I would suggest that if/when you do become engaged, you attend a few sessions of pre-marital counseling.  H and I did do sessions with our pastor (and if you don't have a pastor or spiritual leader, there are all kinds of non-religious pre-marital counseling available).  we found out a lot of what to expect from marriage, how to handle conflicts, etc.  we learned a lot about the pre-conceived notions we were bringing in to our marriage that may not have verbally discussed before we tied the knot.  especially with the background information you have provided, I think that this could be helpful in calming your jitters.

it could also be months or even years before engagement becomes are real concern.  many couples discuss engagement for quite a while before it actually happens.  I know that it can be extremely difficult, but try not to focus so much on the "what ifs" of engagement right now.  work on maintaining and growing your current relationship (because everyone can work on themselves and their relationship with their SO, no matter where you're at in dating/engagement/marriage).  strengthen your relationship now so that later you'll be able to weather the storms of life together.  it's so cliche, but it's true!  H and I thought that we had weathered some storms together (and we had), but it's nothing compared to some of the things that have been happening to us lately.  you need to have that solid, strong foundation in your relationship to make it through the really tough times.  so try to channel your energies to that, and block out the anxiety of "what ifs" and engagement as best you can for now.

best of luck to you!

cu97tiger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_pre-engagement-freak-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:af73a2bd-357e-44de-9e66-d2ff69152329Post:307d6118-dfd7-4a2f-aa40-96c2c668fb47">Re: Pre engagement (?) freak out</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>First off, there is no such thing as pre engagement.</strong> You're either engaged or you aren't. Second, it sounds like you have some things and issues going on in your life that you should work on and concentrate before you get engaged. I'm very sorry about your losses. I couldn't imagine losing a parent at a young age. Have you seen a counselor about some of the things you mentioned in your OP? Specifcally the part about getting close to people scares you? I think talking with someone will help you come to terms with your fear of people hurting you. I've gone through something similiar. I was in a bad relationship about 6 years ago that ended really, really bad and I never imagined I could let anyone in my life again after the hell I went through. Seeing a therapist was a saving grace for me to deal with my issues. I think therapy is the best way to go from here.
Posted by steign[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This was snarky and I think un-called for. I think she was using pre-engagement as a term for the time BEFORE engagement. No need to jump down her throat.</div><div>
</div><div>OP - I KNEW I wanted to marry my (now) DH. I was in love with him, he's a wonderful man, and we'd been together for three years. However, even I worried about 'forever.' I think it's totally normal (and healthy) to question whether a relationship can stand the test of time. I think you're doing the right thing by going to counseling. Listen to your gut, and don't settle. Just because you've been with someone for two years doesn't necessarily mean that that's who you should marry, but also just because you are hesitant also doens't mean you should walk away.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: I just read the rest of the thread and saw your note, steign. It's been pervasive lately that people find things to snark about in an new poster's thread. While pre-engagement annoys you, people not giving OPs the benefit of the doubt annoys me, so I jumped in with both feet. Truce?

</div>

kelley198721

Everyone's given really good advice so I don't really have anything to add. I'll just chime in and say that I also think you should continue therapy and have an honest conversation with your BF. Good luck!

Blue & White

One thing I learned in my psychology classes is that "excited" and "nervous" are technically BOTH anxiety.  So I think it's completely normal to be both excited AND nervous for something that's a pretty big change in your life (think new school, new job, engaged/married)

That being said, stick around.  We're pretty sane and will help talk you back from the crazy ledge.  But I would definitely also keep on keeping on with your counseling (have you tried couples counseling? it might be helpful for your boyfriend to know what you're dealing with in these feelings too). 

Remember, the first day of school is terrifying, but by the second day of school usually things are easier   I think it's kinda the same thing with being engaged.  After all, I said MAYBE when my boyfriend proposed.  And apparently almost gave him a heart attack until I said yes. 

So girls, you should say yes if you mean yes   Blue & White lesson of the day.

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_pre-engagement-freak-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:af73a2bd-357e-44de-9e66-d2ff69152329Post:be903f39-19ea-4bd0-8daf-772e78c28fc5">Re: Pre engagement (?) freak out</a>:
[QUOTE]One thing I learned in my psychology classes is that "excited" and "nervous" are technically BOTH anxiety.  So I think it's completely normal to be both excited AND nervous for something that's a pretty big change in your life (think new school, new job, engaged/married) That being said, stick around.  We're pretty sane and will help talk you back from the crazy ledge.  But I would definitely also keep on keeping on with your counseling (have you tried couples counseling? it might be helpful for your boyfriend to know what you're dealing with in these feelings too).  Remember, the first day of school is terrifying, but by the second day of school usually things are easier :)  I think it's kinda the same thing with being engaged.  <strong>After all, I said MAYBE when my boyfriend proposed.  </strong>And apparently almost gave him a heart attack until I said yes.  So girls, you should say yes if you mean yes :)  Blue & White lesson of the day.
Posted by Blue & White[/QUOTE]


HA! That's funny.

When BF said "I love you" I said "Really? How did you know?" It took me 3 days to say it back lol.

A little anxiety is ok, overwhelming anxiety isn't.

nyiri89

Thank you for all of the (mostly) helpful comments and positive thougts! i appreciate it.


iI don't understand why some posters decided to focus on the the title of the post. If you don't like the title, or understand it, i don't know why you are posting on the thread to begin with!  and yes it's pre-engagement - as in the period before one gets engaged. it's not engaged to be engaged. I don't pre plan and just wanted advice. and no one should have to explain something as simple as a title. if you don't understand it, then that's your thing. no one owes anything else an explanation for it.

Also, break-ups aren't anything remotely like losing a parent.

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_pre-engagement-freak-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:af73a2bd-357e-44de-9e66-d2ff69152329Post:0b01414a-97f7-4a5c-9292-10181a83de0c">Re: Pre engagement (?) freak out</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for all of the (mostly) helpful comments and positive thougts! i appreciate it. iI don't understand why some posters decided to focus on the the title of the post. If you don't like the title, or understand it, i don't know why you are posting on the thread to begin with!  and yes it's pre-engagement - as in the period before one gets engaged. it's not engaged to be engaged. I don't pre plan and just wanted advice. and no one should have to explain something as simple as a title. if you don't understand it, then that's your thing. no one owes anything else an explanation for it. Also,<strong> break-ups aren't anything remotely like losing a parent.</strong>
Posted by eb1916[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I would argue that it depends on the person. YOU may not deal with a break up in the same way as the loss of a parent, but someone else may be able to use similar coping mechanisms in either situation. Healthy coping mechanisms are healthy coping mechanisms regardless of the situation. And I have to say, I dislike any statement that smacks of "my pain is better/worse than yours." We all have troubles and pain and fear, and we all have to figure out how to deal with our own specific demons. </div><div>
</div><div>A persistent fear like you describe indicates, IMO, an issue with your relationship or an issue within your own emotional and psychological well being. </div><div>
</div><div>I think continued professional help is the best route regardless. </div><div>
</div><div>I would discuss with your BF that his comments are unhelpful and you'd prefer he not say things like that. </div><div>
</div><div>Perhaps some couples counseling would help him better understand where you're at and how to help.</div><div>
</div><div>Best wishes. </div><div>

</div>

nyiri89

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_pre-engagement-freak-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:af73a2bd-357e-44de-9e66-d2ff69152329Post:b7d710cf-d331-4f89-b731-c25e1ada4a9b">Re: Pre engagement (?) freak out</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pre engagement (?) freak out : I would argue that it depends on the person. YOU may not deal with a break up in the same way as the loss of a parent, but someone else may be able to use similar coping mechanisms in either situation. Healthy coping mechanisms are healthy coping mechanisms regardless of the situation<strong>. And I have to say, I dislike any statement that smacks of "my pain is better/worse than yours."</strong> We all have troubles and pain and fear, and we all have to figure out how to deal with our own specific demons.  A persistent fear like you describe indicates, IMO, an issue with your relationship or an issue within your own emotional and psychological well being.  I think continued professional help is the best route regardless.  I would discuss with your BF that his comments are unhelpful and you'd prefer he not say things like that.  Perhaps some couples counseling would help him better understand where you're at and how to help. Best wishes. 
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

I never said my pain is worse than anyone's. the two losses while both painful, are inherently different. And we were talking about the loss itself, not the coping mechanisms. That is not what is at issue here.

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_pre-engagement-freak-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:af73a2bd-357e-44de-9e66-d2ff69152329Post:e47746f4-eacc-47d0-b3d1-e3d405d680f5">Re: Pre engagement (?) freak out</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pre engagement (?) freak out : I never said my pain is worse than anyone's. the two losses while both painful, are inherently different. <strong>And we were talking about the loss itself, not the coping mechanisms.</strong> That is not what is at issue here.
Posted by eb1916[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Actually, we weren't really.  We were talking about the coping mechanisms.  Going to therapy to talk through your grief and working on finding a new "normal" is a coping mechanism.  It doesn't matter if you lost your parents or you went through a traumatic breakup.  Emotional trauma is still emotional trauma.  Sure, it might be different in some ways, but if you can't recover from either, you need help.</div><div>
</div><div>People try to offer help to others via their own experiences.  If you haven't lost a parent, you reach automatically for the most traumatic thing you've been through - for some it's a traumatic breakup, for others, the loss of a grandparent or even a pet.  It doesn't make the grief any less real or any less valid.</div><div>
</div><div>I lost my grandfather when I was 7 years old.  The grief didn't actually start effecting me until a few years ago, because I didn't realize what I had lost.  It was the worst a couple years ago when I got engaged, because I realized that not only had I lost him, but the grief that my grandmother experienced transformed her so much that not only would she not be traveling to any wedding that I planned, but she didn't know who I was.  And the only words of comfort I had were "If grandpa were around, it'd be different, this isn't who she really is."   Offering you my experience with grief and coping doesn't mean I'm saying you're better off than I am, it isn't dismissing what you've been through and are going through, but sometimes it's comforting to say "this is where I've been, I'm okay, and someday, you will be too."</div>