I Hate Having So Much Free Time... (Vent)

loves2shop4shoes

I'm only working part time this summer, but I'm making really good money...so I figured I'd relax a bit before law school starts.  All this free time is starting to get to me though...it makes my mind wander to things that are upsetting me.

For example, I'm really mad at both of my parents.  (Note:  this will be a long vent, so if you want to stop reading, I understand.)

You see, they both ruined my graduation from college & I'm tired of having virtually every major event in my life ruined by their inability to ever put anyone's needs before their own.

To be more specific, my dad is PISSED at my mom...and because he's pissed off at her, he showed up to graduation, was EXTREMELY tense & awkward, barely talked to anyone, didn't seem like he wanted to be there at all, refused to come out to brunch with us, and then took off like a bat out of hell as SOON as the ceremony was done.  He flung a card at me, gave me a hug...that was it.  No "congratulations", no "I'm proud of you."  Nothing.

My dad is mad at my mom...well it's a long story.  My mom told me a year or two ago that my dad still owed her alimony from their divorce.  (They got divorced 20 years ago).  So because he owed her money, rather than ever bringing it to his attention, my mom put a lean on his house (which he has been trying to sell.)  The way the lean works in his state is that he would never even know about it unless he specifically LOOKED for it; he would only find out once the house was sold & he didn't get $50k.

So, I knew but my dad didn't.  For years.  It ate away at me.  I didn't want to be in the middle, I'd done enough of that through my entire childhood, so I didn't want to say anything.

So, this past March or so, I was on the phone with my dad and he was so excited about selling his house...that I just couldn't keep it from him any longer.  I said, "Dad, we need to have a conversation now, that if anyone asks, we never had."  Then I told him about the lean.  He was like "WHAT?  I paid your mother all of her alimony along with the child support when you were just a child."  So, he gets pissed off, then calls his lawyer.

Come to find out, he owes my mom money on a technicality.  It took two years for their divorce to be finalized, and in that two years, he had to pay her alimony.  (He didn't realize this.)  So, initially he owed her around 12k (a drop in the bucket for him, he makes good money.)  Well, this 12k has been accruing ridiculous amount of interest (almost 10%) and it's been compounded annually, with a 20 year statute of limitations... so now he owes her somewhere in the ballpark of $50k....and he is PISSED.

I've never seen my dad so upset about ANYTHING in his life.  He was screaming, yelling, and cursing.  

I understand that if he owes her money, then she should get it.  It was his own fault for not reading the divorce decree more thoroughly...but at the same time, I kinda side with my dad.

If my mom knew about this for so many years (she did), why couldn't she just do the decent thing and say "hey, I think you owe me some money."  No, instead she had to wait until their little war was over and things were FINALLY settling down & then re-open pandoras box of crazy.  Rather than just ever taking the high road, she always has to find a way to one-up/screw over my father.

And it REALLY pisses me off because now I have to continue to suffer because of the two of their pettiness...WASN'T MY CHILDHOOD ENOUGH?!

bsidebella

I have never experienced fights between my parents as bad as this, but they were bad. My parents were miserable with each other up until the day my father died. They would be so nasty towards each other that one time during a particularly vocal argument, I shouted, "I WISH YOU WOULD JUST DIVORCE ALREADY!" Let's just say neither of them appreciated that. I later found out my parents were only staying together for my brother and me - despite the fact that it was a terrible environment for us to grow up in.

It's so hard to be in the middle of arguments between the parents and I'm sorry it's still going on for you. All I can offer you is *hugs* and hope this all ends quickly.

Acrosthec

My parents also argue, though never to this extent (and they're still married...they're determined to tough it out, which I'm proud of them for..but geez, sometimes it just kills me).  Anyway, I know it's tough being in the middle, and I really feel for you.  I don't understand why your mom secretly put a lien (and it is spelled lien...sorry, can't help it, and if you're going to law school you need to know anyway) on his home instead of just bringing it to his attention that he owed her money.  Seems...underhanded and dirty, at least to me.  Sorry you're going through this!  :-(

desertsun

You need to tell BOTH of your parents that you will NOT allow yourself to be put in the middle any longer.

This means that you will not keep secrets.

You will not listen to either of them bash the other. 

You will not take sides.

Their problems with each other do not involve you. They are not your fault, and you are not their mediator. Stop putting yourself in that role, and stop letting them put you in that role.

Yes, the situation sucks, but stop sitting back and allowing it to continue and then feeling sorry for yourself. Do something about it. 

Oh, and no one can ruin things for you but yourself. Take responsibility for your own emotions. 

You will NEVER be able to control other people and how they behave. 

All you can do is clearly communicate what you expect/want. and then follow up and let people know when they don't meet your needs. No one is a mind reader. Tell your parents how their actions and treatment of each other has affected you. They can't be expected to know otherwise. 

Consider some therapy to help you develop strategies for creating more functional relationships and dealing with specific situations as they occur. 

FWIW, I'm very sorry you have to deal with this. I know it must be so hard. But you are a strong, smart girl, and you deserve better. So go make it happen. You can do it! *hugs*

loves2shop4shoes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hate-having-much-time-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:b02a4c5c-0e2c-41b3-9780-5fb6bbb999c7Post:10aea41b-5d9b-47a2-9ad7-785e94c87082">Re: I Hate Having So Much Free Time... (Vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]You need to tell BOTH of your parents that you will NOT allow yourself to be put in the middle any longer. This means that you will not keep secrets. You will not listen to either of them bash the other.  You will not take sides. Their problems with each other do not involve you. They are not your fault, and you are not their mediator. Stop putting yourself in that role, and stop letting them put you in that role. Yes, the situation sucks, but stop sitting back and allowing it to continue and then feeling sorry for yourself. Do something about it.  Oh, and no one can ruin things for you but yourself. Take responsibility for your own emotions.  You will NEVER be able to control other people and how they behave.  All you can do is clearly communicate what you expect/want. and then follow up and let people know when they don't meet your needs. No one is a mind reader. Tell your parents how their actions and treatment of each other has affected you. They can't be expected to know otherwise.  Consider some therapy to help you develop strategies for creating more functional relationships and dealing with specific situations as they occur.  FWIW, I'm very sorry you have to deal with this. I know it must be so hard. But you are a strong, smart girl, and you deserve better. So go make it happen. You can do it! *hugs*
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

I wish it were that simple.  To make matters even more complicated, my mother is mentally ill.  (She has a borderline personality disorder.)  Even though she has been diagnosed by 3 different doctors, she refuses to believe she has a problem & does not receive help for it.  So, when I tell her to keep me out of the middle, she gets defensive & FLIPS out on me...she says the meanest, most hurtful things (that are usually completely irrelevant and low-blows) and will never apologizes.  If I were to tell her what I really thought about this whole situation (that she behaved in a very shady way & I'm mad that it resulted in another fight which ruined my graduation), it would get UGLY.

As for my dad, this was the first time he ever bad-mouthed my mom to me.  He never normally puts me in the middle.  He just reacted in a way that really put a damper on my day.  I don't even know what to say to him about it...he has every right to be mad (I would be too), but he should have put it aside for one day.

So, I don't know what to do... I don't feel like I CAN talk to my parents...but I'm tired of their drama affecting my life & special occasions. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-cry.gif" border="0" alt="Cry" title="Cry" />

As for the therapy part, I go to therapy twice a week.  Haha.  It's the only way I stay sane.

desertsun

It IS that simple.

Set boundaries.

Stick to them.

Know that it is not selfish to do things for your own happiness.

Esp. when dealing with a borderline personality, boundaries are critical.

I kinda wonder if maybe you need a new therapist if you aren't hearing this stuff already.

Oh, and don't be so hard on your dad. He's not perfect. Okay, maybe he *should* have been able to put it aside for a day. But he didn't. That's reality. It's too late to change it now. Let him know how it makes you feel so that it doesn't happen again.

desertsun

Oh, and I have to get going, but I'll be back later. Didn't want you to think I did a post & run on you, Shoes.

I do not say these things to be hurtful or "snarky."

I don't have any training in mental health and don't claim to be an expert.

This is just my opinion.

PandaBurr

I understand being the middle man for parents, and the whole terrible childhood thing. I really have to second desert on pretty much everything she said. I think the most important thing that I learned from my counseling is that you're not responsible for your parents. Make that your mantra. They're adults. They need to take care of themselves, not the other way around. As for your mother's personality disorder- it's not your problem. It's hers. If she refuses to get help, then that's her own decision. You are not responsible for them. As soon as you can detach yourself from these situations, your life will be a whole lot better.

(Meds help too.)

loves2shop4shoes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hate-having-much-time-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:b02a4c5c-0e2c-41b3-9780-5fb6bbb999c7Post:80427f82-1adf-4525-afb6-e5c9ffe27f10">Re: I Hate Having So Much Free Time... (Vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand being the middle man for parents, and the whole terrible childhood thing. I really have to second desert on pretty much everything she said. I think the most important thing that I learned from my counseling is that you're not responsible for your parents. Make that your mantra. They're adults. They need to take care of themselves, not the other way around. As for your mother's personality disorder- it's not your problem. It's hers. If she refuses to get help, then that's her own decision. You are not responsible for them. As soon as you can detach yourself from these situations, your life will be a whole lot better. (Meds help too.)
Posted by PandaBurr[/QUOTE]

<div>I understand that I'm not responsible for them.  It's when they (who are supposed to be responsible adults) act like children and can't put their issues aside for one day, that I get upset.</div><div>
</div><div>I think it's hard to set limits because I know that no matter what, they will be broken.  My parents act like selfish children fighting over a toy in the sandbox.  It can never be about anyone else...it's always about them and their drama.  So if I say, for example, "Mom, Dad, I love you, but I'm tired of your constant drama taking away from important life events.  I know there's nothing I can do about it now, but if you pull this again (at my wedding), we will have a SERIOUS problem", I know I will have to act on what I say.  What does that mean?  Cutting them both out of my life??</div><div>
</div><div>They will not change, boundaries or not.  So, in my mind, establishing a firm boundary is akin to getting ready to cut them out of my life, which is sad/scary for me.</div><div>
</div><div>I don't know.  Am I overthinking it?</div><div>
</div><div>Please let me know your thoughts.  I really appreciate the amazing feedback so far.</div>

notquiteblushing

First, I'm SO sorry you're going through this.  How petty for them to put you in the middle of their problems.

And second:


n Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hate-having-much-time-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:b02a4c5c-0e2c-41b3-9780-5fb6bbb999c7Post:ae1f324f-9d05-462d-bf85-6615fe5854aa">Re: I Hate Having So Much Free Time... (Vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]IThey will not change, boundaries or not.  So, in my mind, establishing a firm boundary is akin to getting ready to cut them out of my life, which is sad/scary for me. I don't know.  Am I overthinking it? Please let me know your thoughts.  I really appreciate the amazing feedback so far.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]


That's not neccesarily true.  I've found that there are some issues that I just see differently from my family on and to not let it bother me when they express a different opinion or a judgement of my opinion.  They're not going to change and neither am I but you can still have a relatonship I think.  The most important thing is to accept the situation as is.

Good luck.  I would kill for a summer off, enjoy.  Are you going to law school in Boston too?

desertsun

I think you can just walk away in that moment. You don't have to cut them out of your life. Just remove yourself from situations that are painful or disrespectful to you.  Let them know that you will not hold a grudge and that it is not about who they are. It is about behaviors that you will no longer allow.

I feel like you don't even have to have a big discussion about it before you interact with them again. The point is not at ALL to cut them out of your life or somehow punish them. It's really more about you than them. It's about you recognizing when a situation is intolerable and verbalizing your emotions, asking for what you want, making known what is and is not acceptable to you, and following through when necessary by walking away.

the most important part here is COMMUNICATING WHY you're doing what you're doing. If you just walk away without saying anything, you're not helping.

You can discuss it if they want to and can do so in a calm and constructive way.

Your mom might benefit from a new type of therapy that is supposedly more effective than traditional kinds for people with BPD. It's called dialectical behavior therapy. It's less about the therapist being right and the therapee being wrong, if that makes sense. A quick Google adding Boston as a keyword netted me several resources in the area.

PandaBurr

To be honest, my counselors recommended that I cut my parents out of my life because they really are toxic. I know they are, but they're still my parents, so I know what you mean about not being able to let go. So, my advice is not to cut them out of your life, just don't talk about the shiit going on between them. If they bring it up, change the subject. If they insist, then you "have to start dinner" or "the dogs need to be walked", and eventually they will get the point. My parents occasionally bring up stuff that I just don't want to talk about (my brother actually did decide to cut them out of his life, and they can't understand why), and I either change the subject, hang up, or don't say anything at all. They both understand now that I don't want to deal with it, and if they want to continue having a relationship with me, they can't cross that line. They've already "lost" their son, so they don't want to lose their daughter too. It's not my problem, and frankly, I think I'm pretty generous for not doing the same. You're not obligated to listen to their spats- so don't. I'd say have a talk with them about it, and your boundries. But in all honesty, it never really hits home until you put it into action. Once they realize you're not going to put up with their shiit anymore, either they can keep pushing you away, or straighten up. At that point it's no longer your decision as to whether or not you're going to keep them in your life.

loves2shop4shoes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hate-having-much-time-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:b02a4c5c-0e2c-41b3-9780-5fb6bbb999c7Post:318cf139-e86e-4789-8283-2910423263c4">Re: I Hate Having So Much Free Time... (Vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]First, I'm SO sorry you're going through this.  How petty for them to put you in the middle of their problems. And second: n Response to Re: I Hate Having So Much Free Time... (Vent) : That's not neccesarily true.  I've found that there are some issues that I just see differently from my family on and to not let it bother me when they express a different opinion or a judgement of my opinion.  They're not going to change and neither am I but you can still have a relatonship I think.  The most important thing is to accept the situation as is. Good luck.  I would kill for a summer off, enjoy.  <strong>Are you going to law school in Boston too?</strong>
Posted by notquiteblushing[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, I went to undergrad in Boston and I'll be going to law school in Boston as well.</div><div>
</div><div>Thank you all for your advice.  It sounds like I just need to work on establishing firmer boundaries and communicate what is/is not acceptable to me any why.</div><div>
</div><div>Hopefully, they won't continue this crap so I don't have to make hard choices.</div>

catemeg

My Mom has been playing that role for... um... 45 years?  Her parents got divorced when she was a kid, and they've been terrible every since.  Her mother more than her father, and my grandma is definitely full of her own issues.

My Mom's not so good at setting the boundaries, but my Dad has done it for her.  Whenever my grandma flips out about missing this holiday or that holiday because it's my grandfather's turn, my Dad lays down the law.  My Mom can't because she's too close to them - even if she did, they wouldn't listen to her.

With this same grandmother, my brother and I trade duties.  When it's a big day for me, he babysits her.  When it's a big day for him, I babysit her.  We try to make her feel as important as possible so she doesn't cause drama.

It's really shitty when people who should know better put you in this situation.  Really really frustrating!  Just know you're not alone, and this situation was not in any way your fault.  If your Dad is the more reasonable one, sit him down and let him know that you understand why he was pissed at your Mom, but it hurt that he chose your graduation day to get angry and that ultimately it hurt you.  Your Mom might always have issues dealing with these boundaries, especially as it sounds like she has some challenges, but you really do need to set them.  It might seem like you can't uphold them, but use BF or brother or friend or whomever has that role in your life to make it stick.  In my case, my brother handles my grandmother when I can't, and vice versa.  My BF has become my grandmother's "best friend" intentionally to help off-set future drama.  I still believe she's going to flip when I get engaged, because our diamond is from her mother's engagement ring, and she hated her mother.  But my great-grandma was married for 56 years, and passed the diamond to my mother who has one of the healthiest relationships I've ever seen and has had the diamond throughout her 28 year marriage. My grandmother has been married 4 times, why would I want that karma?

Hang in there, and we're here!!!  Most of us have been through divorce at some level, and understand what split loyalties does to you.

loves2shop4shoes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hate-having-much-time-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:b02a4c5c-0e2c-41b3-9780-5fb6bbb999c7Post:140fe66a-4b45-4bb7-a374-526c83ff836a">Re: I Hate Having So Much Free Time... (Vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]My Mom has been playing that role for... um... 45 years?  Her parents got divorced when she was a kid, and they've been terrible every since.  Her mother more than her father, and my grandma is definitely full of her own issues. My Mom's not so good at setting the boundaries, but my Dad has done it for her.  Whenever my grandma flips out about missing this holiday or that holiday because it's my grandfather's turn, my Dad lays down the law.  My Mom can't because she's too close to them - even if she did, they wouldn't listen to her. With this same grandmother, my brother and I trade duties.  When it's a big day for me, he babysits her.  When it's a big day for him, I babysit her.  We try to make her feel as important as possible so she doesn't cause drama. It's really shitty when people who should know better put you in this situation.  Really really frustrating!  Just know you're not alone, and this situation was not in any way your fault.  If your Dad is the more reasonable one, sit him down and let him know that you understand why he was pissed at your Mom, but it hurt that he chose your graduation day to get angry and that ultimately it hurt you.  Your Mom might always have issues dealing with these boundaries, especially as it sounds like she has some challenges, but you really do need to set them.  It might seem like you can't uphold them, but use BF or brother or friend or whomever has that role in your life to make it stick.  In my case, my brother handles my grandmother when I can't, and vice versa.  My BF has become my grandmother's "best friend" intentionally to help off-set future drama.  I still believe she's going to flip when I get engaged, because our diamond is from her mother's engagement ring, and she hated her mother.  But my great-grandma was married for 56 years, and passed the diamond to my mother who has one of the healthiest relationships I've ever seen and has had the diamond throughout her 28 year marriage. My grandmother has been married 4 times, why would I want that karma? Hang in there, and we're here!!!  Most of us have been through divorce at some level, and understand what split loyalties does to you.
Posted by catemeg[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Awww....Cate.  I <3 you.  You're my new favorite.

</div>