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To elaborate more on my earlier post

I posted the question about not really caring about a diamond when it comes to the proposal. Let me explain, a little more in detail. I am 40 he is 38. This would be our 2nd marriage's. Our relationship came out of an affair. We have lived together almost 2 years. When I said he did 'nt wanna be pressured, he had told me when we discussed it " just to let it happen, his way not to take that from him" and I understand that. He does'nt want me to take the sweetness out of it. I'm just ready, and in his eyes which is true I think of most men. TIMING...money needs to be saved, etc. So maybe I would be slighting myself if I said I did'nt care about a diamond. That would be lovely. I just thoght maybe it would spead up the process. Than sometimes I think, since my ex got married in Sept, and I cheated on him and ended the marriage, that I don 't deserve the fairy tale I want anyway! Yes I do know my BF intends to and wants to marry me. He 's said, "this time it will be done right". Because his first wife him pushed him into a marrriage because she was pregnant and said she would leave him unless he put a ring on her finger. All this being said any advice, cause I DO dwell on this daily. WAITING! I want it to be romantic and I do not wanna feel like I forced him to do something he was not ready to do yet. ( sorry about the typo's in last post I don' see well)

Re: To elaborate more on my earlier post

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    heyimbrenheyimbren member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_elaborate-earlier-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:bba7e57c-098e-4169-9c21-8ef86978f9c3Post:94d1a485-305a-4a35-af57-62436363cb7e">To elaborate more on my earlier post</a>:
    [QUOTE]I posted the question about not really caring about a diamond when it comes to the proposal. Let me explain, a little more in detail. I am 40 he is 38. This would be our 2nd marriage's. Our relationship came out of an affair. We have lived together almost 2 years. When I said he did 'nt wanna be pressured, he had told me when we discussed it " just to let it happen, his way not to take that from him" and I understand that. He does'nt want me to take the sweetness out of it. I'm just ready, and in his eyes which is true I think of most men. TIMING...money needs to be saved, etc. So maybe I would be slighting myself if I said I did'nt care about a diamond. That would be lovely. I just thoght maybe it would spead up the process. Than sometimes I think, since my ex got married in Sept, and I cheated on him and ended the marriage, that I don 't deserve the fairy tale I want anyway! Yes I do know my BF intends to and wants to marry me. He 's said, "this time it will be done right". Because his first wife him pushed him into a marrriage because she was pregnant and said she would leave him unless he put a ring on her finger. All this being said any advice, cause I DO dwell on this daily. WAITING! I want it to be romantic and I do not wanna feel like I forced him to do something he was not ready to do yet. ( sorry about the typo's in last post I don' see well)
    Posted by telton[/QUOTE]

    You could have just replied in your other post instead of making a new one, just as a heads up.

    If you don't want to pressure him and he doesn't want to talk about it, then either move along, tell him you really would like to discuss things again or let him do it his way and wait.
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    edited December 2011
    Never posted before learning!! Thank you for great advice. The waiting is very hard. I did not have a wedding with my first husband and I'm 40. Maybe I need to live in reality and not hope for that fairy tale.
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    heyimbrenheyimbren member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_elaborate-earlier-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:bba7e57c-098e-4169-9c21-8ef86978f9c3Post:adc9d003-01b6-4a9d-8aba-ff9d2b4bb525">Re: To elaborate more on my earlier post</a>:
    [QUOTE]Never posted before learning!! Thank you for great advice. The waiting is very hard. I did not have a wedding with my first husband and I'm 40. Maybe I need to live in reality and not hope for that fairy tale.
    Posted by telton[/QUOTE]

    I don't think a second wedding can't be a traditional wedding as well. But I do think that letting go of some fantasy aspects is healthy because it can allow you to focus on what is instead of just dreaming. There needs to be a balance between the two. But I don't see what a fairytale has to do with this engagement?
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    calindicalindi member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    This may be a bit harsh, but you're 40 years old.  You sound like you're 20. You need to have an adult discussion about this with your significant other, to say, "Hey, listen, I get that you want to do it your way, so you can keep the how/when/where secret, but can we talk in generalities?  Do you see us getting married within, say, 2 years?  Would you be interested in doing it sooner if we didn't have the big expense of an engagement ring?  Because I don't think I need a ring, and I'd really like to get married within 2 years."

    Also, the fact that this relationship came from an affair just sort of sucks in a lot of ways.  Because many people will judge that, I'd keep that particular aspect of your relationship secret.  And that's about all I'll say on that one.

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    edited December 2011
    Yes I  just wanted to give more details and maybe VENT, and have some input. Thank You
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    edited December 2011
    Venting ...although advice is wonderful.
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    Blue & WhiteBlue & White member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Enjoy what you have :)  I'm serious about the crafting and traveling.  Plus, I hear rumors marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be according to CNN and all those crazy people.  Then again, educated people (like me) believe wholeheartedly in marriage, so I'm just being facetious.

    I'd talk to the boyfriend and see how he feels.  Since it is his second marriage, he may also want to "not make a mistake" in this one or be a little hesitant about rushing into things. 

    Oh, and since it's the middle of Hanukah and almost Christmas, go shopping for the boy.  Takes your mind off things :)  I just got my boyfriend the coolest Christmas present ever :)  So far.
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
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    edited December 2011

    We actually looked at some rings together omline tonight. Good sign:)

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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_elaborate-earlier-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:bba7e57c-098e-4169-9c21-8ef86978f9c3Post:94d1a485-305a-4a35-af57-62436363cb7e">To elaborate more on my earlier post</a>:
    [QUOTE]I posted the question about not really caring about a diamond when it comes to the proposal. Let me explain, a little more in detail. I am 40 he is 38. This would be our 2nd marriage's. <strong>Our relationship came out of an affair.</strong> We have lived together almost 2 years. When I said he did 'nt wanna be pressured, he had told me when we discussed it " just to let it happen, his way not to take that from him" and I understand that. He does'nt want me to take the sweetness out of it. I'm just ready, and in his eyes which is true I think of most men. TIMING...money needs to be saved, etc. So maybe I would be slighting myself if I said I did'nt care about a diamond. That would be lovely. I just thoght maybe it would spead up the process. Than sometimes I think, since my ex got married in Sept, and I cheated on him and ended the marriage, that I don 't deserve the fairy tale I want anyway! Yes I do know my BF intends to and wants to marry me. He 's said, "this time it will be done right". Because his first wife him pushed him into a marrriage because she was pregnant and said she would leave him unless he put a ring on her finger. All this being said any advice, cause I DO dwell on this daily. WAITING! I want it to be romantic and I do not wanna feel like I forced him to do something he was not ready to do yet. ( sorry about the typo's in last post I don' see well)
    Posted by telton[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Relationships bred out of infidelity don't tend to last...because since you've both proved to be cheaters, how can either of you really trust the other?  </div><div>
    </div><div>Other than that, my advice is the same:  COMMUNICATE.

    </div>
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    edited December 2011
    Call me Judgy McJudgerson, but I got as far as "our relationship was the result of an affair". Integrity FAIL
    .

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    edited December 2011
    I guess I made a mistake  thinking I could get advice on here. Everyone's very critical and don't know me. Although may relationship came about while I was still married, he was not. My ex-husband , was a huge  liar and a cheater so I finally got up the guts to get out of it. Hardly does a relationship that began the way ours did mean that we are doomed. We are very much in love. I am extremely lucky to have him even if we never get married. All little girls dream of their wedding day, I never had that and I hope to!! but I 'd live if I did'nt. You ladies are very self righteous, I'm sure you've all never made any mistakes yourselves, and if you have'nt congratulations on being perfect!
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    PaigeMcCPaigeMcC member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Woah woah woahhhhhh.  Let's all step back here and put on our big girl panties.

    You ask for advice on the interweb and you get what you get.  Don't get all huffy and puffy about it.  The ladies gave you advice.  Take from that what you will and move on.  No need to get twisted about it.  You mentioned your circumstances, some people will judge them.  That's called life.  Calm your nerves.

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    CASK85CASK85 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_elaborate-earlier-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:bba7e57c-098e-4169-9c21-8ef86978f9c3Post:47b5d4f8-ba26-477f-a840-44635be8e742">Re: To elaborate more on my earlier post</a>:
    [QUOTE]Woah woah woahhhhhh.  Let's all step back here and put on our big girl panties. You ask for advice on the interweb and you get what you get.  Don't get all huffy and puffy about it.  The ladies gave you advice.  Take from that what you will and move on.  No need to get twisted about it.  You mentioned your circumstances, some people will judge them.  That's called life.  Calm your nerves.
    Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]
    Ditto. If you put your business out on the internet, people will judge you. If you don't like it. . . peace out, girl scout.<div>
    </div><div>We gave you some good advice. Advice that I would think a 40 year old woman wouldn't need, but I gave it anyway. I hope things work out for you - I don't think that every cheater is doomed to a life of failure, but it isn't necessarily the best start. </div>
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    calindicalindi member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_elaborate-earlier-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:bba7e57c-098e-4169-9c21-8ef86978f9c3Post:80bd3289-cab5-429e-adcd-cfe6d7cf0035">Re: To elaborate more on my earlier post</a>:
    [QUOTE]I guess I made a mistake  thinking I could get advice on here. Everyone's very critical and don't know me. Although may relationship came about while I was still married, he was not. My ex-husband , was a huge  liar and a cheater so I finally got up the guts to get out of it. Hardly does a relationship that began the way ours did mean that we are doomed. We are very much in love. I am extremely lucky to have him even if we never get married. All little girls dream of their wedding day, I never had that and I hope to!! but I 'd live if I did'nt. You ladies are very self righteous, I'm sure you've all never made any mistakes yourselves, and if you have'nt congratulations on being perfect!
    Posted by telton[/QUOTE]

    You're making the same generalizations that you're accusing others of making of you.

    What I suggested is that you might want to keep that particular aspect secret, as I really think that's going to get judged for that by nearly everyone.  If you both are okay with your mutual skeletons in the closet, then that's ultimately all that matters.  But if you present this information to a public forum, you're going to get honest opinions.  And you can't really blame someone for thinking that cheating is not the best way to start a relationship.  Because, ideally, it's not.

    But just because a few people have said they don't approve of cheating, please don't start saying "you ladies are very self righteous" and that kind of junk.  We're self righteous because we don't approve of cheating?  Come on, now.

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    PaigeMcCPaigeMcC member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well holy hell call me self righteous, then! Cheating is never acceptable.

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    edited December 2011
    Further to the "fairy tale" comments, this is from the sticky on the Just Engaged board on TK.  See in particular #1:

    Re: Dear Newbies

    posted at 10/17/2010 6:58 AM EDT on theknot.com
     
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    This is great advice to keep in mind as you begin planning your wedding! :)

    Miss Manners' top 5 gentle wedding reminders

    1. When you had that childhood wedding fantasy, you were a child. If you don't have better taste and a greater sense of social and fiscal responsibility now, you're too immature to get married.

    2. People are more important than menus. Figure out first whom you want to have there, and then what you can afford to serve them, not the other way around.

    3. A phrase you will be happier if you forget: "the perfect wedding." Perfection does not exist this side of heaven, especially when it involves complicated arrangements and all kinds of other people, and you'll drive yourself and others crazy if you think you can achieve it.

    4. Another phrase you will be happier forgetting: "It's your day." The joining of two people involves two (or more) families and other relatives and friends, and you ignore their feelings and comfort at your peril.

    5. Your guests are not your personal shoppers.

    www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/06/06/LVOD1DGTV3.DTL">http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/06/06/LVOD1DGTV3.DTL


    Originally posted  by SarahSmile23

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    heyimbrenheyimbren member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_elaborate-earlier-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:bba7e57c-098e-4169-9c21-8ef86978f9c3Post:80bd3289-cab5-429e-adcd-cfe6d7cf0035">Re: To elaborate more on my earlier post</a>:
    [QUOTE]I guess I made a mistake  thinking I could get advice on here. Everyone's very critical and don't know me. Although may relationship came about while I was still married, he was not. My ex-husband , was a huge  liar and a cheater so I finally got up the guts to get out of it. Hardly does a relationship that began the way ours did mean that we are doomed. We are very much in love. I am extremely lucky to have him even if we never get married. All little girls dream of their wedding day, I never had that and I hope to!! but I 'd live if I did'nt. You ladies are very self righteous, I'm sure you've all never made any mistakes yourselves, <strong>and if you have'nt congratulations on being perfect!
    </strong>Posted by telton[/QUOTE]

    Well, thank you for noticing!
    Can I point out a few more things to you now? Since I'm perfect and all, you might want to take notes.

    1) I didn't even mention the affair you mentioned in my advice to you. Not once. I thought about it, and knew someone else could bring it up so I let it slide. Thanks for the generalization and accusatory comments for something I didn't do.

    2) You did get advice. You may not like that advice, but that doesn't mean you didn't get any.

    3) I have no idea why you keep bringing up this fairytale that you're so focused on, but your posts don't really seem to come out and actually SAY what it is you're trying to say. It sounds like you're beating around the bush. The only thing I am clear of is the affair since you put it out there so bluntly.

    4) Note well: YOU put the affair out there. You. No one else.

    5) Honestly, I don't care why you cheated on your ex. If you aren't happy, then grow up and end it. Don't cheat. End it, then move on. Honestly, how warmly do you think cheating is going to be accepted on a wedding planning website?
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    deburnindeburnin member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wait this person is 40? Jeez... They're reacting the same way a lot of the 17-19 year olds have.

    OP- This is an international forum. You put certain things out there and of course people are going to comment on them. Did you really expect to not get any comments on that part of your post? The internet is definitely not the place to go if you don't want people being forthright.
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