Asking for hand

deburnin

I haven't seen this question come up anywhere and I was just wondering what opinions are about your significant other asking your father/parents for your hand in marriage. Did they? Do you want them to? Don't want them to? Is it still really common?

BF and I were talking about it the other night and I told him I wouldn't want him to ask my dad because I want to be the first to know. I suppose he could do it vice versa Mr. Darcy style (I'm recently re-obsessed with P&P, sorry lol), but then that just seems even more pointless to me. I don't think my dad would be hurt by BF not asking, but I'm not 100% positive because we're not all that close. I wouldn't even know how to broach the subject to him.

Any other hand asking experiences/opinions?

bethsmiles

I don't want him to ask for my dad's permission but I do want him to talk to him and ask for his blessing beforehand (although I would still be okay with it if he ask for his blessing afterwards). My dad and I are really close and it would mean a lot to both of us.

Elle1036

There are several wedding-related traditions that just don't sit right with me, and this is one of them.  I pretty much forbid BF to ask my dad before-hand.  Quite frankly, it's not my dad's decision who I marry.  It might be different if I were younger or if I were expecting my parents to pay for the wedding, or even if I were unsure of how my parents feel about BF, but as we're adults who will be paying for the majority of the wedding ourselves, and as I know that my parents adore BF, there's no reason for the formality.

BF is a little more traditional and he resisted at first, but I think he realized that I feel more strongly about it than he does.  We decided that, after the engagement is official, we'll visit my parents together and ask for their blessing.

zipis1

BF knows that if he asks my dad for his permission or blessing I'll be insulted and feel disrespected enough that I could very well end up reconsidering the relationship. I very much don't believe in that tradition, plus my dad is...well, not the dad he should be, so I don't feel he deserves any say.

KD+BC

FI did not ask my parents for their permission or their blessing. He actually didn't tell anyone and everyone was surprised when he did ask. He wanted me to be the first to know. His feeling is that we are adults and I am able to make my own choices. I always hated the asking for "permission" thing though asking for a blessing doens't bother me as much.

When we announced that we were engaged we all cried and my dad shook FI's hand and said, "I'm so surprised but you obviously have my blessing." It was perfect for us.

Narwhal

It's not a big deal to me either way. I wouldn't be insulted if he did or if he didn't.  But it means a lot to my dad, so I would prefer if he did.  Since that's the case, I might be disappointed if he didn't, but I know that he will and if not, we can just tell him together. No biggie.

nottheonlydreamer44

My ExH did not ask even though I requested that he did - i was young and obviously going along with every tradition.It didn't seem to matter either way. With Mike I told him it was unnecessary because my father and I aren't even on good terms and if he was going to "ask" anyone it would've been my mom.

He didn't even have the chance because my mom jumped all over him asking when he was going to marry me *so embarassing*. I don't think that the "asking for permission" part of things is that big of a deal, at least not to me. You're an adult and no one needs to bless your marriage.

In the same vein, I also find the whole father giving you away thing mildly creepy (did it the first time, will not do it this time).

MLekathLEEN

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_asking-hand?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:bc7bc5b7-4914-4038-9d0d-4b88678ff3f3Post:6836271f-e557-4a5b-97ee-9655069427db">Re: Asking for hand</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>It's not a big deal to me either way. I wouldn't be insulted if he did or if he didn't.  But it means a lot to my dad, so I would prefer if he did</strong>.  Since that's the case, I might be disappointed if he didn't, but I know that he will and if not, we can just tell him together. No biggie.
Posted by Narwhal[/QUOTE]

This exactly. I hoped that he would for my dad's sake but it didn't matter to me. Neither FI nor my dad are much for words so I didn't know if they would have the conversation but they did. From what I understand, it went like this:
FI: Can I marry Emily?
Dad: Can you support her
FI: Yea
Dad: OK.

Like I said, not much for words.

teetooshort

It's important to my mother.  It's her tradition that his parents ask her and my father.  If it's important to the parents, why not?  I hope he keeps it a surprise to you though, if he decides to ask for your father's blessing.  My "future FI" told me about his plans to ask my parents first before me and it ruined the surprise.  Now I'm impatient to wait for the ring. 

jilly2121

I want my BF to ask my dad, more for my dad because I know my dad wants my bf to. I'm an only child and very much a daddy's girl, when I gave my dad a heads up that Mike and I were looking at rings and that I know that the bf bought the ring the first words out of my dad's mouth was..."well he hasn't asked me yet"! Then my dad started crying bc his little girl is growing up and getting married, slightly awkward but cute...my dad and I are really close. I reassured my dad that the bf was going to ask before he does it. My bf is also traditional so he wants to have that moment, even though he's a little afraid of my dad!

RC17

My BF asked me we even ring shopped... my parents still dont know, Im not sporting the ring until he asks my dad.. its just a small formality that I think my parents would appreciate being apart of our plans so spend the rest of our time together.  So really its a bit of this and that.. and you and your BF's pic as to what and how you want to involve your family, but in the end everyone will still be happy for you!

dwest2201

FI asked my Dad, but it wasn't required by me at all... but I am glad that he did because my dad was on cloud nine when he was telling everyone about how FI asked him first. 

FI called Dad (the day that he asked me, even though he was supposed to ask the next day originally but just couldn't wait)...
FI "So, I want to ask if I have your belssing to marry your daughter..."
Dad "What the heck Jon?  Of course you do... I want you to marry her"
FI "Okay Dad"
Dad "Haha, see ya later Son"

calindi

My boyfriend originally was going to ask my parents (yes, both - I'm very much opposed to man-to-man bartering like women are possessions, but respectfully asking the blessing of the woman's family seems nice).  He was going to ask because they had my great-grandmother's diamond, so he had to ask them so we could get the diamond.  But my parents decided to just give me the diamond for safe keeping since we're over 2000 miles apart, and there are very few times my boyfriend would be able to ask them for their blessing.  I kind of think he's a little disappointed, that he doesn't have to sneak up to Rhode Island while I'm traveling, that he can just call.  I told him we could give the diamond back, but he told me that didn't make any sense.

So now he'll probably just call to ask their blessing.  My Mom's a blabber-mouth, so I actually have a $50 bet with her that she'll spill the beans (directly or indirectly) before I get asked.

LizzyTish88

My BF is going to ask my parents, mainly my mom. They are paying for the wedding and we decided it only seemed fitting. He's not asking for permission, so much as their blessing and just letting them know that it's coming. They love him and I have no doubt they would even hesitate to say yes. Its not about tradition, but more about respect.

With all that being said, I have no clue when that time will even come, so it could change for all I know. And if it does, so be it. I will still have the man of my dreams.

MLekathLEEN

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_asking-hand?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:bc7bc5b7-4914-4038-9d0d-4b88678ff3f3Post:e0cad42c-eaeb-4963-b65b-d00b1e775bdd">Re: Asking for hand</a>:
[QUOTE]My boyfriend originally was going to ask my parents (yes, both - I'm very much opposed to man-to-man bartering like women are possessions, but respectfully asking the blessing of the woman's family seems nice).  He was going to ask because they had my great-grandmother's diamond, so he had to ask them so we could get the diamond.  But my parents decided to just give me the diamond for safe keeping since we're over 2000 miles apart, and there are very few times my boyfriend would be able to ask them for their blessing.  I kind of think he's a little disappointed, that he doesn't have to sneak up to Rhode Island while I'm traveling, that he can just call.  I told him we could give the diamond back, but he told me that didn't make any sense. So now he'll probably just call to ask their blessing.  <strong>My Mom's a blabber-mouth, so I actually have a $50 bet with her that she'll spill the beans (directly or indirectly) before I get asked</strong>.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]


I thought the exact same thing but somehow my mom, his mom, and his HUGE blabbermouth sister kept it a secret for two weeks. I actually called my mom a blabbermouth about something a few days before and felt like a big ass after FI told me she knew all along. If my mom can keep a secret, anyone can.

aperitisa

My FI went and asked for my parent's blessing, rather than their permission.  He spoke with both of them at the same time.  My parents knew him really well and we had been living together for quite some time so we both knew they would be really happy about it.  Also, they gave us a diamond to use for my e-ring, so that was part of his reason for talking to them. 

BCRockies

This is where my independence comes into play. I feel that since I've made my own life over the past couple of years, I don't need my parent's permission. I would be thrilled if BF asked my dad (I know my dad would be over the moon about it) but it's not a requirement for us to get married.

oceana919

Call me an old-fashioned creeper, but I actually asked my FI to ask my parents for their blessing prior to proposing. Both of us value family very highly, and to me, it meant a lot that he ask for their blessing. My parents said that he didn't even need to ask, but that they appreciated that he did.

Sure, he didn't need to do it. Sure, he would have proposed even if they had said no for some ungodly reason, and yes, I would have said yes, because I'm an independent woman and know what will make me happy and be best for me. However, I still appreciate and respect the tradition and the respect it shows for both me and my family.

bsidebella

My BF asked my mother for permission to propose in January. We all told him not to do it. His parents, his sister, our friends, his aunt that made my ring all told him not to, because we were adults, not children, and he did not need my mother's permission. I told him not to, because I knew she would say no. He said that he was old-fashioned and if my father was still alive, he would ask him. 

Well, he asked my mom ... and she laughed in his face and said no (I was eavesdropping). Basically because she didn't want me to be engaged while I was still in college. It was pretty heartbreaking to both of us. And his whole family sang the "I-Told-You-So" song.

Apparently, now that we're moved in, he's going to propose soon. We'll see about that. 

CWill16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_asking-hand?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:bc7bc5b7-4914-4038-9d0d-4b88678ff3f3Post:e0cad42c-eaeb-4963-b65b-d00b1e775bdd">Re: Asking for hand</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>My boyfriend originally was going to ask my parents (yes, both - I'm very much opposed to man-to-man bartering like women are possessions, but respectfully asking the blessing of the woman's family seems nice)</strong>.  He was going to ask because they had my great-grandmother's diamond, so he had to ask them so we could get the diamond.  But my parents decided to just give me the diamond for safe keeping since we're over 2000 miles apart, and there are very few times my boyfriend would be able to ask them for their blessing.  I kind of think he's a little disappointed, that he doesn't have to sneak up to Rhode Island while I'm traveling, that he can just call.  I told him we could give the diamond back, but he told me that didn't make any sense. So now he'll probably just call to ask their blessing.  My Mom's a blabber-mouth, so I actually have a $50 bet with her that she'll spill the beans (directly or indirectly) before I get asked.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

This. I have asked my BF to speak with BOTH of my parents because they are both equally  important. I also prefer that he asks them both at the same time, not fill my mom in later. 

heyimbren

My father has never been in my life, so that's a definite no.

However, I've always been very close to my papa, and he's always treated me like his daughter, not a granddaughter. I think I might be secretly thrilled if BF did ask my papa, but I don't really care too much either way. I think it might mean more for my papa, than my BF or I.

I don't think BF would anyways. He could barely get the nerves to ask me on a date, let alone ask my (supposedly intimidating! ) papa to marry me. He actually told me that the good part of my father not being around is that he doesn't have to do any of that. But that might have been more about dating than marriage.

I have a friend who has to do everything through his girlfriend's father. He had to tell the father first that he liked his daughter and would like to ask her out. He then had to tell his father later on of his "plan" to ask her out and the father had to approve. THEN he still had to officially ask the father if he could date his daughter.

jemmini6

Well you obviously know my thoughts on asking my father if you read my other post...so no, it's definitely not required.  Although, even before that little incident, there is really no need for him to do so, my whole family has been begging for us to get married almost since we met.  My mom even has my last name changed already on her facebook where she lists her children. LOL.

[Deleted User]

My FI didn't ask my dad for permission, but he did talk to him.  FI had planned to talk to my parents at the same time, but he had some car trouble and my dad ended up spending the morning with FI getting the car fixed, so opportunity presented itself.  I don't know what was said, neither one will really say anything, the only thing I know is FI talked to my dad about his plan to propose and my dad was quite pleased.  FI said he wanted to talk to both parents and my dad's response was call mom and set it up.

So a couple weeks later, the day FI bought my ring (about a week before he proposed), he spent a couple hours at my parent's house.  I still don't know everything that was said, but my mom tells me it was a great morning with great conversation and FI started calling her "mom" that morning, which she is still beaming over.

I'm pretty old-fashioned and traditional in so many ways, so I am pretty pleased that FI talked to my parents first, but I would have been ok with it if he hadn't asked them first.

HeartOverMind

I think there is a HUGE difference between asking for permission and asking for a blessing. My BF is going to talk to my dad before he asks me and I'm sure my dad expects it. At first, my BF was like.."Heck no, I'm not talking to your dad." But I told him not to bother asking me, then. I explained to him that talking to my dad and asking for his blessing is a respect thing and my dad will appreciate him asking and respect my BF more.  So, we settled that. I know it's going to be nerve-racking but it's better to get it over with asap, rather than wait until I have a ring on my finger and go, "Guess what, Dad?" Yeah, I could see that turning out poorly.

StarGazingHiker

My bf is planning on asking my dad for his blessing when the time comes.

 My family is big on traditions so my mom hinted that my dad would like to be asked his blessing before any of us daughters got married. I'm really clse to my dad so having his blessing would mean alot! My bf knows this and is planning on asking. Now, I have asked my dad not to tell my mom because I want to tell everyone else. My bf promised me that the only ones who will know before me are my dad and my bf's best friend.

leia1979

My BF and I have discussed this before. He wants to ask my parents' blessing. I maintain that I should be the first to know, not them. They can be the first people we tell. I also said he's more than welcome to tell his parents beforehand if he wants. I don't think he will, though. He's worried his mom would post it on Facebook!

In the end I told BF to do what he wants but that my preference is for him to not ask my parents.

breezerb

I think it's one of the traditions that means the most to me as out-dated and silly as it is. I am an only child and my parents and I are thisclose so it would mean the world if Matt asked my dad.  On the other hand he will have to ask him right before he asks me... I can read my dad like a book and will know if somethings up.

redheadtmk

I forbid my BF to ask for permission as well. I am not close with my dad and have paid for 1/3 of what I had since I was 13yr old with that amount increasing steadily until I was 18 and on my own. My BF is traditional  and wanted to ask. I compromised though and said if he really feels he needs to ask for  my hand then he can ask my sister, brother in law, and thier kids. I think asking my teenage nephews is scarier than asking my dad personally so he isnt getting off easy. They are way more likely to give him the 3rd degree than my dad. They are my true family and the ones whose opinions matter most to me.