need a different point of view?

[Deleted User]

I'll try to make this as concise as possible:

FI is graduating from the university this Saturday.  his family is driving in (10 hour+ trip) this evening.

FI has been student teaching (no-pay) for 40-50 hours a week, plus working in the evenings part time (5-16 hours) and going to class one night a week.

I know that he has been super busy and super broke lately.  I have been paying for all of our wedding expenses, the mortgage, utilities, groceries (his and mine), plus fixing up the house and cleaning it for his family to come in this weekend.  I have bought all the furniture, all the towels, the dishes, silverware, landscaping...  everything.  I even paid for the rehearsal hall fee when we rented it (his family is hosting that).  I also have been working on our invitations, favors, decor, etc. for the wedding as well as getting his graduation announcements ready and sending them out and planning a graduation party with his mom for this Saturday night.  also, I've been in charge of "Mother's Day" for BOTH our mothers...  dinner reservations (I don't know how the heck I'm going to pay for dinner for 11 people) AND our engagement pictures have to be paid tonight.

I also teach music lessons in the evening for extra money to go towards the house and repairs.

I'm tired, I'm running low on money, and I personally think that FI has his head stuck in his rear.  he is extremely self-involved right now.  I can understand part of it, he has a LOT going on.  I've been out of the university and working for 2 years, so (like one of my best friends told me) I'm a little farther ahead on the maturity scale right now.  our engagement period has been rocky (family issues for both of us) and I think we're both emotionally/physically tired.

anyway, so I had to take off half a day of work today to go home and clean the house and get the groceries and make sure it's ready for when they come in town.  I'm using my leave to do this.

FI has mentioned a couple times that he wants to continue student teaching (for free) instead of working full time where he's at.  but I need help!  I can't keep paying for EVERYTHING and doing so much work for both of us.

I tried to bring it up to him last night but it didn't go over well.  he got mad and then we just didn't talk all night or all morning.  and we've been fighting via text all morning. 

I did apologize if I came across too bluntly or if I offended him.  his only response was that he would take care of the groceries and that I needed to give him a bill for what I owed him.  and when I try to bring up the fact that ignoring me all night is NOT a good thing to do, I just get "whatever".


it's not the kind of resolution I was hoping for.

my thoughts are kind of muddled now.  his family will be in town, I don't know if I'm supposed to go clean the house and get the groceries anymore (even though I already took leave).  I don't know if he even wants me around this weekend.

I want to resolve this and move past it.  I want him to see and acknowledge what has been going on.  I want him to be more proactive towards things so I don't have to chase him down and ask him to do things or to help me pay for everything.  FWIW, I don't even live in the house.  I'm paying mortgage/utilities/repairs/furniture/purchases for a house that I don't even live in.  but I'm just really hurt, scared, and disappointed by what's going on.  I miss him, and I feel like I'm doing EVERYTHING all by myself, and he just shows up for dinner when he's hungry.

I'm not sure if this is a vent or asking for advice.  I guess, thoughts would be appreciated.  and I know that I can't dictate what people say, but please keep in mind that my emotions are a little raw this morning.

I have tried to talk to him about everything in this post, so it's more than a "just talk to him" kind of question. 

thank you! 

SeaTea02

This sounds similar to a situation FI and I were in last week. He wanted to do research, which paid handsomely, over working at his summer internship/part-time semester company next academic year. He wants to work at this comapny after he finishes with his masters next May  If he did the research he couldn't work with the company. We had many talks about why I thought that was a bad idea (it would be easier for the company to hire him full time if he is already part time) and they are the only ones in the area that do the kind of work he is specializing in. 

We deicded that it wasn't fair for him to make decisions without consulting me, as his FI, when they will impact me and where we live and I work. The research sounded more fun since this is the last opporunity he will get to do it, but I basically told him he can't be selfish and he needs to consider our future. 

I advise a similar conversation. If he isn't mature enough to get it, and talk about it then he might not be mature enough for marriage. 

ravenray

Has he ever done this before?  This seems like a pretty big thing for him to have only done once.  I am sorry you are going through this.  It looks like it sucks.  Why did he get mad?  I wasn't sure about it.  I know you don't want just talk to him advice but there is no way to work pass an issue unless you talk to him.  In my opinion it’s not okay for you to be paying for everything on your own.  He needs to help you, even if its stuff like cleaning the house which requires no money.  I think that you should figure out why he is mad, apologies if you were in the wrong then after a few hours try to bring it up in a non blaming way.  "Hey honey, I know that you are mostly broke and that you do everything that you can to support me but..."    Fights suck!  GL

[Deleted User]

I know he's mad/upset because I was really honest with him.  I told him that he was being really self-involved.  

maybe he's just really overwhelmed.  I don't know.  he's not talking much right now.  

he hasn't done this exactly before...  there was one time when he left the house get so dirty and messy and I got extremely mad at him, but since then he's done a fair job of keeping up with everything.  he's given me money sporadically when he had a good paycheck to help out with things, but it's not consistent at all.

and we've had conversations about life decisions after college, and we've come to an agreement that he has to work full-time plus some until his college loans are paid off and then we can renegotiate.  my paycheck will pay for our bills, etc. and his paycheck will mainly go towards the loan so we can get it paid off ASAP.

maybe he's just feeling really overwhelmed and he thinks I jumped all over his case.  I don't know!  but I just want things to be right again for this weekend...  it's a big event, and a happy one, and I don't want things to be strained while his family is visiting.  but at the same time, I don't want to say that I'm okay with this kind of thing.

Blue & White

Maybe he could pick up a part time job on top of the student teaching?

I assume he's an ed. major, which means he can't really get much of a "job" until August/September (although he SHOULD be applying now) - does he just mean student teaching until the end of the school year (June?)

He may be able to pick up a TA position at the university (if you all are staying in the area) for the summer/fall.

He could also get a tutoring position - it wouldn't pay a TON, but it'd be an income...and at least Sylvan & Huntington (and likely others) have hours after his student teaching would be done for the day.

As for how to get him to get this info?  It's tough, but just let him know your finances are tight and you really need his help.  I figure if you're not pushing him to leave what he wants to do (student teaching) then you're not as much of a "bad guy"

[Deleted User]

Blue - that's great info, thanks.  I'll look into it and talk to him about it.

But he needs to work full-time at least until he pays off his student loans.  he has loans becaue he made some stupid money decisions when he was at college.  that was the agreement we came to, and that's the agreement we should stick to IMO.  maybe I'm being unreasonable, but I feel that's fair... especially since I'm financially keeping us going.

bethsmiles

Never fight over text, it leaves way too much open to interpretation and when you are already having communication problems it's only going to make it worse. 

It sounds like there is a lot going on right now, so I would until after his graduation and family visit to bring up the issues you are having. You are both stressed and busy. Both of your minds are in a million places right now so the fighting is probably just going to escalate at this point unless you take a break.

My suggestion is to make up a budget, lay it all out visually for him and tell him that you understand that he wants to continue student teaching but that just won't work right now.  Be calm, open to his opinions (never go into a conflict thinking you already have the answer), and be willing to compromise.

Sparrow87

It does sound like a crappy situation, it sounds like it could just be a bit of immaturity, but what worries me is that he might expect you to continue like this for a lot longer than you're willing to do it.  If he would rather spend his time volunteering and let you do all of the work/pay all of the bills then it could be a symptom of a bigger personality difference than just a few moments of immaturity.  That's just my take on it, good luck with everything. 

[Deleted User]

thanks Liv.  that was incredibly helpful.

beth - we have budgets for several different options, depending on where he works.  with his paying-job being so inconsistent lately (due to student teaching committments in the evenings), he hasn't been bringing in even enough money to keep himself going, so I end up buying his groceries and stuff when it's like that.  it won't be like that forever and I know he's not taking advantage of me.  normally, I can tell when it's bad and I offer a little money to help him.  sometimes he takes it, sometimes he goes without.  the budget-spreadsheet just doesn't seem to be working for HIM.  it works great for me...  I keep thinking maybe it'll be better once we live together, use the same groceries, combine finances, etc.

heyimbren

Are you two planning on combining money at any point? After marriage? It sounds to me like that's the problem that triggered this, and finances definitely need to be dealt with and figured out. Could you start looking at both your incomes as combined money, and any payments that need to be made as combined payments? I'm not sure if this is something you were planning on doing after marriage, but if it is, sit down together and look over your budget. Implement it now. Look at how much money you have coming in together, and how much is going out, and maybe that will help him realize that this is important and you can't do it alone.

Now at the same time, you both sound really overwhelmed and I can see why with everything you two are taking on right now. But this isn't a good way to deal with it. Have you been doing any kind of pre-marital counselling? That could help air your issues and work on communication.

Sparrow87

*Sorry to double post*

If it's mothers day why are you paying for everyone's dinner and not just yours and moms? 

If he has trouble with money, you might want to keep a separate bank account that's all yours in case you guys get into trouble that way you can get at least yourself out. 

*Sorry in advance if either of those things sounded crass, I just couldn't come up with softer wording.* 

[Deleted User]

yes we will combine finances sometime shortly after marriage (once my name change is done).

we have done some pre-marital counseling and it's helped.  i think the communication issues are due to stress and being overwhelmed.  normally he's not like this at all.  he'll get upset or hurt for a few minutes if I "call him out on something" (like this), but after a few minutes he realizes there is some truth to it and we resolve the conflict fairly quickly.

I've apologized twice and told him that we should probably think about what the other person has said/is feeling and come back to it after a few days when we can work it out. 

but I still feel really crappy.

KatyRoseM

If your having this many problems when your not combining finances I really don't think combining them will help.  It seems like this is something you need to be able to deal with first, before you combine and get married.  

[Deleted User]

sparrow - since his whole family will be in town, we wanted to include everyone and not just his mom.   it's a family dinner for Mother's Day.   I'm asssuming I'll foot the bill since FI is flat-broke right now.

he USED to have trouble with money.  he has read the Dave Ramsey stuff and we've been to one of his seminars.  he's not good at budgeting exactly, but he doesn't just go spend anymore like he used to.  he's asked me once to help him come up with a budget for him until we get married, but he never knows how much he'll get paid because his work schedule is so screwed up, so it hasn't really worked.

FWIW, he just told me that he cleaned the house last night after we got done talking, all that's left is to vacuum (since I have the vacuum).  floors mopped, guest room is ready, bathrooms cleaned, etc.  I'm glad he did it, but I wish we weren't at odds because of it.

heyimbren

Try to show him that even though you haven't combined finances yet, in a sense you have since you're so involved with his personal finances. And once you two are married, you'll both need to support each other and you can't afford one person supporting both of you. That's going to happen down the road eventually and he does need to see that.

Stress and feeling overwhelmed are going to come up again later on in your marriage. It isn't a one time deal that will just go away with time. And whlie he isn't normally like this, he very well may be like this sometimes. Find a way to deal with it now that's healthy for both of you.

Sparrow87

As long as your protecting yourself, I'm a bit of a worrier! 

And you are far nicer than I am.  I would have told SO that if he wants to invite his whole family he's on his own! 

[Deleted User]

I feel like telling him that now!!  but I guess I just view us as a team unit, including when family comes in to town.  that's how I would want him to treat it if our places were switched.

my main savings accounts are in a totally different bank.  we're just combining our checkings accounts for now.  so no worries there. 

Sparrow87

I'm glad your still keeping some to yourself.  My cousin made a lot more money than her husband but they had combined bank accounts.  When they got divorced he still got half the money even though he didn't make it, I don't know exactly how much but it was sizable since they were saving for a down payment on a house.  My mother made a point of using this as a teaching moment for me, always keep your own money separate.  Even if it's unromantic it's better to be realistic! 

SeaTea02

If I were you, my biggest problem wouldn't be simply having to pay for everything since he is still an undergrad. I would have a problem with the unpaid jobs your FI is spending a great deal of time with and the apparent unwillingness to make a sacrifice to help you and make your financial situations more stable. I know it is possible to student teach just a few hours a week and unless 40-50 is required for his degree, then he should scale back.  

I guess I am not very helpful. Presenting a logical argument to FI like the one stated above would be enough to make him realize he needs to take some responsibility even it it isn't fun. 

And maybe you could cook dinner? 11 people is a lot to seat though... 

[Deleted User]

it's required for him to get his degree.  some weeks, it's closer to 60 hours.  he's a music ed major, so he is student teaching at 3 schools (going back and forth in between them all day) and so he has to attend the competitions/contests/sporting events/etc. for each of those schools.  that's why it's more than the normal 40 hours of student teaching a week.

technically he will be done as of next Monday night (their last concert).

SeaTea02

Oh so he is graduating or he has another year of school and wanting to student teach?

[Deleted User]

he graduates this Saturday.  he's mentioned that he'd like to continue student teaching until the kids are out of school (the end of May) but originally we had agreed that he works full-time to help me out once he graduated.  as far as I know that's still the plan, but he has mentioned at least twice that he'd like to still student teach at least some until the end of May.  but my funds are running low and I would like him to go ahead and start working so he could support himself and cover the utilities and some wedding things.

[Deleted User]

F/U:

seems like we are at a truce for now.  we're dividing up tasks for this weekend and we'll try to approach the budgeting problem once the weekend is over and we've had some time to think about it.  he sent me a text that said he still loved me.  I'm inclined to think he's just extremely overwhelmed and didn't realize what was going on because he was so wrapped up in everything he had going on. 

I still feel pretty crappy about everything, but I'm glad that we're dividing some things up and hopefully we will both be more open when we decide to reopen the topic.

ADTonk

I think all of this stress over money & time comes with the one of you is still in school while planning a wedding territory. 

ravenray

I am glad that things are at an okay point now. I see this as a good sign.  Sounds like he is willing to work with you but is just overwhelmed.  Doesn't make his actions ok IMH but at least they are understandable.

becunning2

I'm confused about how he has the choice to CONTINUE student teaching.  I'm going to be student teaching next spring, and I will have set dates where I am required to student teach in order to be licensed.  Anything above and beyond that is kind of silly in my view.  The student teaching semester will already be financially challening for me, what with the working for free (actually paying to work because I have to pay tuition for my student teaching hours) and working a part-time job to boot. 

That semester is one of the reasons why I want (hehe) the boyfriend to propose so we can get married this year.  I know that I'll have so much to juggle, need to make a good impression, be working, commuting, planning, basically being nuts...  student teaching is NOT easy.

That said, holy crap you've been doing a lot! Glad you guys are communicating.