Very confused.

Beads921

BF and I also got into a bit of an argument about the family thing a few days ago. I think it's the time of year. 

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better about things now though. Family and where to live are big subjects to figure out with your SO, and maybe leaving it aside for the next 2 weeks will allow you both to think about it more and then you'll be able to have a really good conversations about it once you're physically in the same room.

Ana_2985

I know I'm late to this, but I just wanted to comment because my situation is nearly identical to yours. Except in my case, I'm the one with the big family and I'm the one who moved to be closer to my FI.  So I just wanted to tell you that it CAN work.

Like Desert said, it's all about compromise and balance. It's going to be very hard and it's going to take way more than one conversation to figure it out. You need to figure out what your immediate and long term expectations are - Where will you live? Where will you raise a family? How much time will you spend with his family? With yours? When? Which aspects are you willing to negotiate? Don't try to cover everything at once. These things should be worked out before you get married, so there's no rush. Take it one step at a time.

As I said, it CAN work, but you need to be able to talk to each other. Texting is not the way to do it and your BF needs to be willing to talk about important issues. You can't take on all the pressure yourself.

Sorry if I repeated a lot.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_very-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:bee36b5c-734a-48d9-8c3f-338143ad083fPost:395d29b9-cb5e-4caf-97c3-70bb871ac74e">Re: Very confused.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Very confused. : <strong>Really? If you know someone well and love them you can't anticipate their feelings or interpret their feelings from their actions? </strong>I know when bf has had a bad day at work by his body language when he comes through the door or his voice on the phone. He doesn't have to tell me it was rotten. And crappy day at work looks and sounds different from other issues. I can see how a man could have difficulty admitting he's going to miss his family and that a move might be more than he can handle. Eventually he'll need to grow a set and speak up, but I don't think coffee is projecting her feelings on him. That's not really what desert said either (I don't think).
Posted by paintgirl[/QUOTE]

Of course you can... but I've also learned not to put words in someones mouth based on my own insecurities or presumptions... I've caused plenty of arguments in past relationships by assuming that the other person feels a certain way when they never verbally expressed it... OP admitted that her BF has never actually said that he feels like she's taking him away from his family... So, IF he does actually feel that way, he's not verbalizing it and until he does, she should not concern herself with that... She could ask him if he feels that way and if he says 'yes' then, she can deal with it... but until then, she shouldn't let her own assumption cause an unnecessary argument.

What desert said was...

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_very-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:bee36b5c-734a-48d9-8c3f-338143ad083fPost:5f6ea5d6-8595-4660-a510-dd52455d09b3">Re: Very confused.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Very confused. : Do you maybe feel guilty b/c YOU feel you're taking him away from his family?
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

.... and that is exactly what I said I agreed with in my PP.

You also have to realize that they are in a long distance relationship and that is a very difficult situation... She doesn't have the benefit of seeing his body language... she can only go based on the tone of his voice or the tone of his texts/emails/etc. That's a very hard thing to do... There have been plenty of instances during my relationship where I would be crying on the phone with BF and he didn't know it because I was able to cover it up...

Coffee - I'm glad you spoke with BF and you feel a little better about the situation... I agree with Beads... give it the next 2 weeks until you see him to approach the subject again... but I'd suggest out-right asking him if he feels that you are taking him away from his family... His answer may put your mind at ease...

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_very-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:bee36b5c-734a-48d9-8c3f-338143ad083fPost:f996ee9a-7566-4935-902c-b60c84fbb32e">Re: Very confused.</a>:
[QUOTE]Update. BF and I had a long talk (on the phone) about everything.<strong> I told him how I feel and he doesn't understand how I'm feeling the way I do</strong>. But I think things are good for now. And when he comes down next month we'll sit down and have a long talk.
Posted by CoffeeBean330[/QUOTE]

I don't think he necessarily needs to understand how you're feeling. I think there are going to be times when two people simply cannot empathize with one another, but at the very least they should be able to sympathize with each other. That's the difference there.

paintgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_very-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:bee36b5c-734a-48d9-8c3f-338143ad083fPost:6b801f95-7518-469c-88de-cf7c9fc5529b">Re: Very confused.</a>:
[QUOTE]You also have to realize that they are in a long distance relationship and that is a very difficult situation... She doesn't have the benefit of seeing his body language... she can only go based on the tone of his voice or the tone of his texts/emails/etc. Posted by LyzMcFlyz[/QUOTE]

Yeah I caught that. That would be why he has to move. My bf and I were long distance too, which why I moved.

I did misread Desert's post.

desertsun

Basically, my point was just that CB can't hold herself responsible for feelings her BF hasn't expressed. It's not fair for either one of them to think the other is a mind reader. They really just need to develop more comfort talking about things openly and honestly. They also need to be able to differentiate between what they as individuals feel and what they feel in response to each other. Taking responsibility for your own emotions and having appropriate emotional boundaries is so important.

[Deleted User]

Once again, thanks everyone. I was completely distraught last night and without everyones advice, I would've been worse. He insists that I'm his top priority and that even though he'd love to live near his family, it might not happen. It all depends on the future and where we are ten or so years down the road. On top of everything else, I really want us to have a nice "date" when he comes down. So we shall see.