Family Heirloom Ring

ArborAlma

not engaged yet, but he & I have been talking marriage, kids & timelines a lot. I found out about a week ago that there is a "family heirloom" ring that traditionally went to the oldest son (I have the youngest) but his mom said it's for whoever gets married first. I've never seen it, & harbor slight fears that it might not be at all my taste. The thought/meaning/purpose is very important in the family. Will I be stuck with it, or is there a polite way to say "I always thought I'd select my own symbol-of-forever." I don't wanna jump ahead of myself, but since the topic came up, it's been nagging at me...

calindi

Talk to your BF about it.  Ultimately, you don't want to be the one to turn it down because that makes you the bad guy.

How does your BF feel about it?  Does he understand how you feel, or would he want you to wear the heirloom ring?  If he's on the same page, perhaps the easiest thing to do would be to have him politely decline, saying that he wants his oldest brother to have it as per the tradition.  If they insist, he can say that you both have decided you want something that you pick out together.  If it's between him and his family, they're far more likely to understand and accept his position.  If you are the one who tells them no, then you're the outsider who thinks she's too good for their heirloom ring.  Trust me, let your BF handle this internally!

If he's on board with the heirloom ring, then you have a harder position.  I'd say that you should probably accept it in that case and just not wear it after you're married if you hate it.  Keep an open mind - maybe it's gorgeous!  Or maybe it absolutely won't fit, and they can't resize it, so oh well, too bad so sad!

Good luck!

ArborAlma

Ooooooo! I like your thinking. Big bro should get it, but they don't get along. I do have really narrow fingers 5-1/4. But some old fashion settings are beautiful. I wish I could see it

[Deleted User]

I think Cate had some great advice. Since I was scared to even respond to this (no idea how I would handle this situation!) I'd take her advice. Cate, you're always so tactful!

oceana919

If you are at a point where you are seriously discussing marriage, you should be able to sit down with your SO and have an adult conversation about it with him.

Frankly, you've got a couple of options. He could chose to pass on the ring and he could select his own ring for you (with or without your input/contribution - that's for the two of you to decide). You can forgo the family ring and pick a ring together. You guys can choose to use the stone from the ring and place it in a setting that is more to your taste. Or you can wear the family ring. That decision needs to be one made by the two of you, together, as a couple, and reflect what you both want and what is important to the both of you.

Whatever decision is made, I agree with Cate - it needs to be handled within the family by your SO.

bourgehm

I agree with Cate, as usual

loves2shop4shoes

Cate FTW!

calindi

Aw, shucks, ladies, you're making me blush!

jeanacorina

You haven't seen it yet, so until then I would keep an open mind. Let your BF know about your concerns and ask him not to agree to anything until you guys have had a chance to see the ring and discuss it between the two of you.

It COULD be gorgeous. You never know. Or, it could be totally not your style and maybe Big Bro's future somebody would love it. Just talk to your BF for now, and for heaven's sake- take Cate's advice and STAY OUT OF IT with his family. This can be a really sensitive thing!

ArborAlma

Wow guys, that's for a great cache of ideas for handling things y'all are the best

cusi229

i would think about that too, but i actually got the family ring, and it's goregous! so you may want to wait till you see it lol. you can always reset it to a new setting you love.  I dont think they would hand down a ring that is ugly or small either