Questioning- HELP!

[Deleted User]

This is my first post- I've been "lurking" since I thought I wanted to marry my current boyfriend.  

I had been certain that I wanted to marry this man since we hit it off 2 years ago.  Nothing was clearer at the time.  However, my attitudes toward marriage in my life at this point have changed.  We have been doing long-distance nearly our entire relationship, and it is a beautiful one.  I am about to graduate from college... and what I'm doing aftewards is very much up in the air in my head.

We have always talked about me graduating and moving in with him in Houston, TX (I am from and live in Ohio).  If I am questioning the role of marriage in my life at this point, it's safe to say have the "I am not ready for marriage" talk- which we will when I visit him next week. BUT- if I'm questioning if I am ready for marriage, should I still move in with him after graduation?

To clarify, it is not necesarilly him that I am questioning- it is marriage.  I am a girl with very high aspirations, and dreams of adventure and whatnot. He is 100% ready for marriage, however, and wants to "settle down" immediately. Clash of interests? Uh-huh...

[Deleted User]

Also, to clarify, he has asked my father for my hand in marriage (he's traditional like that), and we have looked at engagement rings (and he may have a downpayment on one).

jeanacorina

1) Marriage does not HAVE to get in the way of your aspirations and adventure. You just need a SO who will support your goals and go on those adventures WITH you.

2) I don't know if you should move in with him. It would be cruel to lead him into believing you are ready to "settle down" when you're not. If you moving in with him means "time for marriage" to him, then you probably shouldn't. If you can live together without either of you having expectations beyond what it really means, then it would probably be fine.

Moving in together means different things to different couples. You've got to talk to him about this... the "I'm not ready for marriage" discussion would be a good time to ask him how living together fits into all this.

It's perfectly fine not to be ready for marriage. It's okay not to ever want to get married, too. Just be clear with your BF about your goals, ambitions, needs, and even your uncertainty about that "next step" in the future. You guys can be happy together without marriage looming over you expectantly. But it takes a wholehearted agreement and honesty between you to make that work without someone feeling hurt.

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_questioning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c124bd76-d471-48fb-afdb-3bcd9bf1a301Post:09913bc3-6210-4f8e-850c-f8cf9c2be33f">Questioning- HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]This is my first post- I've been "lurking" since I thought I wanted to marry my current boyfriend.   I had been certain that I wanted to marry this man since we hit it off 2 years ago.  Nothing was clearer at the time.  However, my attitudes toward marriage in my life at this point have changed.  We have been doing long-distance nearly our entire relationship, and it is a beautiful one.  I am about to graduate from college... and what I'm doing aftewards is very much up in the air in my head. We have always talked about me graduating and moving in with him in Houston, TX (I am from and live in Ohio).  If I am questioning the role of marriage in my life at this point, it's safe to say have the "I am not ready for marriage" talk- which we will when I visit him next week. BUT- if I'm questioning if I am ready for marriage, should I still move in with him after graduation? To clarify, it is not necesarilly him that I am questioning- it is marriage.  <strong>I am a girl with very high aspirations, and dreams of adventure and whatnot. He is 100% ready for marriage, however, and wants to "settle down" immediately. Clash of interests? Uh-huh...</strong>
Posted by kelseejee[/QUOTE]

First of all, I don't think this necessarily marks a "clash of interests."  FI and I bot have aspirations and we're both adventurous, but we're ready to get married because we want accomplish/experience those things together.  You can "settle down" without selling yourself short or becoming boring.

Also, I don't think you necessarily have to be ready to marry someone in the immediate future in order to be ready to move in with them.  Living together can be a great way to strengthen your relationship.  ...Or it will be a total disaster, and you'll realize it was never meant to be.

For the record, I understand your hesitation on the idea of marriage.  For a long time, I didn't want to get married at all.  There's nothing wrong with that.  But not wanting to get married doesn't mean you shouldn't share your life with someone you care about.

Discuss it with your BF to make sure he knows what page you're on and is comfortable with it.  Then, if you both want to live together, I see no reason why you shouldn't.  Also, Houston is a pretty cool city.

jeanacorina

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_questioning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c124bd76-d471-48fb-afdb-3bcd9bf1a301Post:fda61d65-baf2-4037-9aa4-5698db2b6127">Re: Questioning- HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, to clarify, he has asked my father for my hand in marriage (he's traditional like that), and we have looked at engagement rings (and he may have a downpayment on one).
Posted by kelseejee[/QUOTE]

Oh, dang. You've got to have that talk.

Elle1036

Wow.  I didn't see Jeana's reply before I posted, so I promise I did not just copy and re-word her first point.

jeanacorina

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_questioning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c124bd76-d471-48fb-afdb-3bcd9bf1a301Post:3b9ec73a-37a2-45bb-a897-89eda95fa566">Re: Questioning- HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow.  I didn't see Jeana's reply before I posted, so I promise I did not just copy and re-word her first point.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

Shenanigans!

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_questioning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c124bd76-d471-48fb-afdb-3bcd9bf1a301Post:820e48ff-581d-4b14-ac95-30fae6f4a5b1">Re: Questioning- HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Questioning- HELP! : <strong>Shenanigans!</strong>
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

HAHAHA!!! This is an aside, but we have a computer at work that "Detects Shenanigans" and refuses to do ANYTHING until said shenanigans are taken care of.  Silly machines!


Back on topic, as PP said you do not need to be ready for marriage in order to move in with each other.  Move in with him only if you are comfortable with it, he obviously is.  BF and I moved in together for a few months before we went LDR and neither of us were ready for marriage but we were ready to live together.  Who knows, maybe moving in with him will change your ideas about marriage, but you DO NOT need to marry someone in order to spend the rest of your life with them.