What to do? My mother keeps calling me...

loves2shop4shoes

Well...the title explains a lot.  I haven't spoken with my mother in 3 weeks.  I don't plan on speaking to her anytime soon.  I'm very angry and hurt by the fact that after 20 years of divorce, she rehashed things with my father, which is now effecting my wedding.  It's such a long time coming.  I'm just to the point that I'm tired of my happiness and well-being constantly being an afterthought to my mother. 

She called me this morning to tell me she was going to a bridal show at the county center where she lives.  She keeps calling me.  I'm to the point where I don't even want to yell at her anymore.  I just literally have nothing to say.

Any thoughts?  Hugs are also welcome.

leia1979

Have you told her how upset you are that you no longer have wedding funds? I know your relationship is very strained, and telling her this may not do any good. But if she doesn't know, I think she should.

And if she does know, calling you about a bridal show sounds like a diick move. Sorry.

loves2shop4shoes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mother-keeps-calling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c2cbb163-8d55-43b7-b176-ce0bbc11de8cPost:52954573-2c09-4bfa-923b-ba7726d6f33e">Re: What to do? My mother keeps calling me...</a>:
[QUOTE]Have you told her how upset you are that you no longer have wedding funds? I know your relationship is very strained, and telling her this may not do any good. But <strong>if she doesn't know, I think she should. And if she does know, calling you about a bridal show sounds like a diick move. Sorry.</strong>
Posted by leia1979[/QUOTE]

<div>She does know.  My brother told her.  I have refused to speak with her or answer her calls.  I'm thinking she's just trying to use this bridal show to force me to talk to her.</div>

desertsun

I don't think that refusing to talk to someone is a constructive way of handing conflict.

You seem to have perpetual drama in your life, and e-strangers can only do so much to help with that. Esp since, IMO, you don't really take the advice you're given.

You are going to continue to have lots of conflict until you start handling your emotions and relationships in a better way.

You've mentioned that you're in therapy before.

I don't think your therapy or bringing your problems to this board are going to do you any good until you start listening to the advice you're given.

No one can help you if you're unwilling to do anything to help yourself.

Ember01

Personally (as a person who is getting a PhD in communication), I think you need to talk to her. Your brother talking to her probably isn't enough to get the point across. It will be a horrible, not fun conversation, but I think it is necessary. Right now you are avoiding the conflict, and this is okay in the short-term, but in the long-term, if you ever want to have a relationship with your mom, you need to talk through this.

Good luck!

loves2shop4shoes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mother-keeps-calling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c2cbb163-8d55-43b7-b176-ce0bbc11de8cPost:4a42a3a0-3ff3-4e82-8f6c-d5cb73e208bb">Re: What to do? My mother keeps calling me...</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I don't think that refusing to talk to someone is a constructive way of handing conflict. </strong>You seem to have perpetual drama in your life, and e-strangers can only do so much to help with that. Esp since, IMO, you don't really take the advice you're given. <strong>You are going to continue to have lots of conflict until you start handling your emotions and relationships in a better way.</strong> You've mentioned that you're in therapy before. <strong>I don't think your therapy or bringing your problems to this board are going to do you any good until you start listening to the advice you're given</strong>. No one can help you if you're unwilling to do anything to help yourself.
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

<div>Ok...so from this post, the only thing that could be construed as "advice" would be the first thing I bolded.  You say I should handle my emotions and relationships in a better way, but you give no suggestion as to HOW to handle this difficult situation.  And frankly, I think it's strange for you to criticize me for not listening to the advice I've been given, when you did not give me advice, but instead only criticized me.</div>

heyimbren

Shoes, I do believe Desert is referring to previous advice you've been given on connected issues. And I agree, I don't think avoiding her is doing any good for this situation at all. Decide long-term how you want this relationship to be. If you are going to cut her off, then make sure that's something you can be okay with in the long-term. If you want to restore things, then you need to work towards that as well. But only you can decide that.

loves2shop4shoes

Bren, YGPM.

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mother-keeps-calling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c2cbb163-8d55-43b7-b176-ce0bbc11de8cPost:21cbbd99-59c5-4cf6-8c59-81ba08a67387">Re: What to do? My mother keeps calling me...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What to do? My mother keeps calling me... : Ok...so from this post, the only thing that could be construed as "advice" would be the first thing I bolded.  You say I should handle my emotions and relationships in a better way, but you give no suggestion as to HOW to handle this difficult situation.  And frankly, I think it's strange for you to criticize me for not listening to the advice I've been given, when you did not give me advice, but instead only criticized me.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

You continually post your personal drama on the board, and I've given helpful advice REPEATEDLY.

I'm tired of taking time to try to help you, only to see you repeat the same behavior over and over.

I've advised you to speak with the people in your life about the conflict in a calm and constructive way, focusing on the future and solutions, and making more effort to see things from the perspective of the other people in your life, and not just from your own perspective. You never seem to do any of this.

I've encouraged you to not view yourself as a martyr, yet you continue to do so. You seem to refuse to take any personal responsibility for the never ending drama in your life.

Again, until you can take the advice you're given and behave differently, you will continue to have all this conflict and drama in your life, and NO ONE CAN HELP YOU because you are BLIND to your OWN ROLE in the drama/conflict. So you just come off as an AW bringing your drama here.

Seriously, Shoes, I want to help. I really do. And I think I've given genuine effort to do so. But there doesn't seem to be any point. On the off chance that THIS time, I'll get through to you, just go back and read what I've said in your older posts and try to apply to this situation. Several other people have given you good advice on handling conflict better.

Whereyat and jeana:
<a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_wrong-2" rel='nofollow'>http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_wrong-2</a>

me:
<a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_update-brother-fightsigh" rel='nofollow'>http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_update-brother-fightsigh</a>

<a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_scared-mom" rel='nofollow'>http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_scared-mom</a>

<a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_seriously-depressed" rel='nofollow'>http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_seriously-depressed</a>

<a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-opinions-drama-long" rel='nofollow'>http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-opinions-drama-long</a>

marleylikeair

You know what I think? I think you should call her back and say exactly what you're feeling. Don't mince words in order to avoid hurting her feelings, and don't get overly snarky, just to get back at her, either. Just tell her. Tell her you don't have anything to say to her right now, if that's what you're feeling. Tell her you are angry with her, and why. Tell her you don't want to go to the bridal show, and why. If you feel she might interrupt while you're talking, preface the whole conversation by saying, "I need you to listen to me and not interrupt. Can you do that?" And then if she tries to interrupt, break in and remind her she agreed not to.

If you're uncomfortable saying that over the phone, see if she'll come to one of your therapy sessions with you. Even if you don't think she'll come, ask her anyway, and tell her it's very important to you.

If none of that gets you anywhere, maybe try something else, but these seem like the most logical next steps to me.

You might know that I've been all but not speaking to my mother, either, for about a year (6 months of nothing, then an email every once in awhile). My advice to you from that situation is not to let things go so long that it gets even harder to re-establish contact. My situation is different from yours in a lot of ways, but similar in a lot of ways, too. Unlike me, Shoes, you don't have a problem saying what you're thinking, and you have more balls than I do. So just pick up the phone and say exactly what you're feeling.

I also just finished a fantastic book I think you should go pick up and read TODAY. It's called Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, by Susan Forward. I just walked into my local Barnes & Noble, and they had two paperback copies right on the shelf. I think you'll really, really benefit from it. I did.

GOOD LUCK, Shoes. You said you were tired of your happiness and well-being being an afterthought to her, and I SO know what you mean. It sucks when your parents can't just, well, BE PARENTS, FFS. Big hugs to you. I really hope you go get that book and tell me what you think!

bethsmiles

I agree with desert and I think you have a very difficult time communicating during conflict. Not talking to her is 1) very childish and 2) passive-aggressive. You need to find a way to CALMLY explain to her why you are upset and that you do not want to go to a bridal show with her because of your significantly reduced budget. At this point what's done is done. Neither of you can go back and change things so your only option is to move forward with the situation at hand in a mature way.

You need to learn how to handle conflict in your life otherwise your life is always going to be full of the types of situations you frequently post about.

heyimbren

Shoes, YGPM now too.

loves2shop4shoes

Well, I did it.  I took all of your advice and called my mother.  I did so with FI next to me, holding me.  It went exactly as I thought it would.

My mom started off by making small talk.  She then started discussing the bridal expo.  I told her I was confused as to why she called me to talk to me about a bridal show, since she's aware of the new situation.  She started saying she didn't know that I had stopped planning altogether.  I said "How could I possibly still have the originall wedding with no budget?"

I began to tell her how I felt and she just started going on and on about how none of this was her fault.  I then told her that I called her because I wanted her to know about how I felt.  She then proceeded to scream at me how she refuses to accept ANY responsibility for ANY of this because SHE did NOTHING wrong and how this is all my father's fault.  She scolded me for not telling my father to go f*ck himself, like I should have.  She also said that my father is a loser, is manipulative, and is "barely even human" and how what he did was "unconscionable".

I told her repeatedly to stop talking about my father that way.  I told her that I didn't call her to talk about him and that I wanted her to know what my issues with HER were.  She continued to deny any wrongdoing whatsoever.  She told me that the only reason I'm mad at her is because I "don't have my head screwed on right" and am "not thinking clearly".  She then hung up on me.

heyimbren

I'm glad to hear that you tried to talk to her. You can't control how she responds, only what you say. At this point, it's your decision on what your next step is in how to handle your relationship with her long-term. That's totally up to you. But I do believe that regardless of the fact that she responded how you expected her to, at least you did try one more time.

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mother-keeps-calling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c2cbb163-8d55-43b7-b176-ce0bbc11de8cPost:2a20945e-afee-4916-84eb-76def686d929">Re: What to do? My mother keeps calling me...</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, I did it.  I took all of your advice and called my mother.  I did so with FI next to me, holding me.  It went exactly as I thought it would. My mom started off by making small talk.  She then started discussing the bridal expo.  I told her I was confused as to why she called me to talk to me about a bridal show, since she's aware of the new situation.  She started saying she didn't know that I had stopped planning altogether.  I said "How could I possibly still have the originall wedding with no budget?" I began to tell her how I felt and she just started going on and on about how none of this was her fault.  I then told her that I called her because I wanted her to know about how I felt.  She then proceeded to scream at me how she refuses to accept ANY responsibility for ANY of this because SHE did NOTHING wrong and how this is all my father's fault.  She scolded me for not telling my father to go f*ck himself, like I should have.  She also said that my father is a loser, is manipulative, and is "barely even human" and how what he did was "unconscionable". I told her repeatedly to stop talking about my father that way.  I told her that I didn't call her to talk about him and that I wanted her to know what my issues with HER were.  She continued to deny any wrongdoing whatsoever.  She told me that the only reason I'm mad at her is because I "don't have my head screwed on right" and am "not thinking clearly".  She then hung up on me.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

Hoo boy. I'm sorry to hear your mom flew off the handle. She really does sound immature, and I really do think you need to get that book I mentioned, ASAP.

That said, she filed for money she was owed, or believes she was owed, and that's why your dad had to revoke the wedding budget funds he'd promised, right? But even though she does sound pretty wacky (to put it mildly), she probably didn't do it to hurt you or your wedding budget. She probably just did it, for her own reasons. You might want to keep that in mind.

In any case, Bren is right: having confronted her is a victory in itself. So congrats.

Please, please go get the book I mentioned if you haven't read it already. I promise, it will shed new light on things.

jeanacorina

I think you should get that book, because if you don't start making some big changes in how you react to conflict, you're going to sound a whole lot like her one day. And I am not trying to be mean just for the sake of being mean... I am being very honest because I really don't want you to fall into your mom's footsteps... which is so easy for us all to do. Good parents or bad parents, we're all likely to mimic them even in adulthood. And based on the posts you make, I'm seeing some serious paralells.

tafft1

Personally I think you need to stop coming to everyone else for advice - stay away from the internet and anonoymous forums for validation on your reasoning and start looking at what you can do to better yourself and your life if you don't want to be the person that your mom is . This isn't meant to be mean - I can understand if you will  be defensive and all but really a bunch of "strangers" cannot possibly tell you what to do. We aren't you - we can give you hypotheticals all day long but until you even have a grasp on your own life , which tbh I don't feel you do , no amount of words , advice or venting is going to be helpful. I'm not trying to be a hippocrite - I do struggle with issues myself , we all do - it's part of life , but what has happened happened regardless of whos fault or lack of it really is. I truly believe that you are setting yourself up time and time again and until you come to the realization this isn't a healthy outlook you will continue to feel like a victim in your own life.

babybchbum

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mother-keeps-calling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c2cbb163-8d55-43b7-b176-ce0bbc11de8cPost:b8fd36e4-44eb-4e6d-84ac-905e3ca49ed8">Re: What to do? My mother keeps calling me...</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you should get that book, because if you don't start making some big changes in how you react to conflict, you're going to sound a whole lot like her one day. And I am not trying to be mean just for the sake of being mean... I am being very honest because I really don't want you to fall into your mom's footsteps... which is so easy for us all to do. Good parents or bad parents, we're all likely to mimic them even in adulthood. And based on the posts you make, I'm seeing some serious paralells.
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

This and..

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mother-keeps-calling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c2cbb163-8d55-43b7-b176-ce0bbc11de8cPost:ff720a70-8d1d-4849-b0d8-521b60e2600e">Re: What to do? My mother keeps calling me...</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally I think you need to stop coming to everyone else for advice - stay away from the internet and anonoymous forums for validation on your reasoning and start looking at what you can do to better yourself and your life if you don't want to be the person that your mom is . This isn't meant to be mean - I can understand if you will  be defensive and all but really a bunch of "strangers" cannot possibly tell you what to do. We aren't you - we can give you hypotheticals all day long but until you even have a grasp on your own life , which tbh I don't feel you do , no amount of words , advice or venting is going to be helpful. I'm not trying to be a hippocrite - I do struggle with issues myself , we all do - it's part of life , but what has happened happened regardless of whos fault or lack of it really is. I truly believe that you are setting yourself up time and time again and until you come to the realization this isn't a healthy outlook you will continue to feel like a victim in your own life.
Posted by tafft1[/QUOTE]

This

Ember01

I'm sorry to hear that the conversation with your mom didn't go very well. All you can do is try. If she isn't willing to listen, you can't take fault for that. You were the bigger person in the situation, and you tried to do the right thing.

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mother-keeps-calling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c2cbb163-8d55-43b7-b176-ce0bbc11de8cPost:2a20945e-afee-4916-84eb-76def686d929">Re: What to do? My mother keeps calling me...</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, I did it.  I took all of your advice and called my mother.  I did so with FI next to me, holding me.  It went exactly as I thought it would. My mom started off by making small talk.  She then started discussing the bridal expo.  I told her I was confused as to why she called me to talk to me about a bridal show, since she's aware of the new situation.  She started saying she didn't know that I had stopped planning altogether.  I said "How could I possibly still have the originall wedding with no budget?" I began to tell her how I felt and she just started going on and on about how none of this was her fault.  I then told her that I called her because I wanted her to know about how I felt.  She then proceeded to scream at me how she refuses to accept ANY responsibility for ANY of this because SHE did NOTHING wrong and how this is all my father's fault.  She scolded me for not telling my father to go f*ck himself, like I should have.  She also said that my father is a loser, is manipulative, and is "barely even human" and how what he did was "unconscionable". I told her repeatedly to stop talking about my father that way.  I told her that I didn't call her to talk about him and that I wanted her to know what my issues with HER were.  She continued to deny any wrongdoing whatsoever.  She told me that the only reason I'm mad at her is because I "don't have my head screwed on right" and am "not thinking clearly".  She then hung up on me.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>As soon as your mom started getting worked up, you could easily have said, "I want to discuss this with you when we're both calm. I will call you again later and we can try discussing then. Love you. Bye." And then you hang up. No 'If...then..." Just disengage immediately. 

</div><div>Also, stop being so manipulative. You clearly were trying to make her feel bad about the situation by claiming to be confused. You KNOW she wanted to talk about the bridal expo b/c she wants to be involved in the wedding planning. You're punishing her for her decision with your words and actions, and that's not right, and it's not conducive to conflict resolution.</div><div>
</div><div>I agree with PPs who see a lot of parallels between your mom's and your behaviors. </div><div>
</div><div>Seriously, you need to find yourself a new therapist that you will actually listen to. Get your mom to go to a couple sessions.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

bourgehm

I'm sorry if I'm going to come off cold hearted, but I agree with everything desert has said.

I dont' know the whole situation, but you post on here about it a lot. I think that you really need to start learning how to handle conflict better. It was good of you to call her up and just talk to her, however, I wouldn't have even brought up the big conflict about not having a budget right off the bat. I can't imagine how your mom is feeling right now. She probably figured that a bridal expo is somethign you'd like to do and she probably still wants to be involved in the planning and in your life.  You need to handle conflics in a better way (in the way pp have stated).