WARNING BSC-ness inside long vent apologies in advance

rusngl2

OK so you opened it anyway!!! Thanks for the vote of confidence.. here's the situation...

I am in LOVE with a wonderful man...unfortunately he is not my husband. Currently still married to what has to be the BIGGESTT A-Hole on the planet due to a pending joint lawsuit, court date currently set for April 2013. 

Seperated from A-Hole in Aug 2011, rekindled old relationship with the man I'm currently with in Oct 2011 who I should have married in the first place but we were at different places in life during our previous relationship and I'm not particularly patient. Relocated away from A-Hole to be near/with current man in Jan 2012

Plan is to have lawsuit finished, file promptly for divorce, then marry the man of my dreams. I have reigned in the BSC thinking about being engaged, planning wedding and what not because I have talked to you lovely ladies and ya'll are GREAT about screwing my head back on... 

Sounds reasonably sane right?? Problem current man lost his job due to no fault of his own (economic downsizing) and now wants to relocate to be nearer his son. So here's the question: Am I cray cray to be willing to relocate AGAIN to stay with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with? 

bethsmiles

That is a decision you have to make. I don't think moving makes you BSC but you should consider if you will be happy relocating where ever for reasons other than your SO being there.

I switched colleges and moved to a different state to be near my BF when I was 19 so I'm sure there are plenty of people who would say I'm crazy for that. People have even said to my face that they think my relationship will end and I'll regret it. It's been three years since I moved, our relationship is strong, and I don't regret it at all but I do recognize that it could have ended in disaster and I took a huge gamble by following him. For me, it was worth it.

Here are some things to think about:
1) Are there job oppertunities for you where he is relocating to?
2) Are you moving away from a support system (family/friends)? Will you have a support system near the new location?
3) If you won't have a friends/family near you are you strong enough to handle that? Trust me, even with your SO there if you don't know anyone else it can be very lonely sometimes and that isn't easy to handle.
4) Is this somewhere you would've considered moving even if your SO weren't in the picture?
5) How confident are you in your relationship with your SO? Are you both on the same page about what you want out of life?

I'm sure the other ladies on here can give you even more perspective and things to think about. My last piece of advice would be to think long and hard about this decision. You should not jump into it.

rusngl2

In Response to Re: WARNING BSC-ness inside long vent apologies in advance:
 Here are some things to think about: 

1) Are there job oppertunities for you where he is relocating to? yes, and no, luckily I have a job where I can work from home they don't really care what state you're in. If I was to lose this job...well the economy sucks overall but we would be moving to a metropolitan area so I could probably temp somewhere til I found another job. 

2) Are you moving away from a support system (family/friends)? Not really, my family is about an hour from where we are now but I seldom see them. Far as friends go, ya'll are pretty much it. I dont have a lot of IRL friends. Will you have a support system near the new location? No real support system, he has other family in the area and they are cool but it's his family not mine. The GREAT part about this is that his baby mama is SUPER COOL, like we could hang out if we were closer type of cool, so I guess I could work on developing that friendship once we get closer. 

3) If you won't have a friends/family near you are you strong enough to handle that? Trust me, even with your SO there if you don't know anyone else it can be very lonely sometimes and that isn't easy to handle. I'm pretty sure I can handle it alone if we would to break up for whatever reason

 4) Is this somewhere you would've considered moving even if your SO weren't in the picture? HECK no, I promised myself to never move north of the Mason/Dixon line and I HATE SNOW really pretty to look at in pictures but I don't do cold well

5) How confident are you in your relationship with your SO? Are you both on the same page about what you want out of life? See this is where the problem comes in for me. I would feel more confident if we were engaged or married, but I can't really demand an engagement (nor would I want to) because I'm still legally married to somebody else. I feel like we are in a good place, he is a good man, I love him to pieces and I can't imagine being with anyone else nor am I worried about him straying or us breaking up. He's not perfect but he's perfect for me, yeah he can get on my nerves we've had some whopper arguments but have always been able to talk our way through them. 

We've also had "the talk" so I know his current long term plan is to marry me as soon as I can fix the legal issues, but I don't know why I'm feeling so uncertain about this

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_warning-bsc-ness-inside-long-vent-apologies-in-advance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c2f3780e-3b5c-4dab-80fc-b77d2f2d026bPost:98ed8a2b-37b7-41d0-898a-62f14c93fb93">WARNING BSC-ness inside long vent apologies in advance</a>:
[QUOTE]OK so you opened it anyway!!! Thanks for the vote of confidence.. here's the situation... I am in LOVE with a wonderful man...unfortunately he is not my husband. Currently still married to what has to be the BIGGESTT A-Hole on the planet due to a pending joint lawsuit, court date currently set for April 2013.  Seperated from A-Hole in Aug 2011, rekindled old relationship with the man I'm currently with in Oct 2011 who I should have married in the first place but we were at different places in life during our previous relationship and I'm not particularly patient. Relocated away from A-Hole to be near/with current man in Jan 2012 Plan is to have lawsuit finished, file promptly for divorce, then marry the man of my dreams. I have reigned in the BSC thinking about being engaged, planning wedding and what not because I have talked to you lovely ladies and ya'll are GREAT about screwing my head back on...  Sounds reasonably sane right?? Problem current man lost his job due to no fault of his own (economic downsizing) and now wants to relocate to be nearer his son. So here's the question: Am I cray cray to be willing to relocate AGAIN to stay with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with? 
Posted by rusngl2[/QUOTE]

<div>So, you're relocating essentially twice in one year, giving up your job in the process (I'm assuming).  I really think you need to slow down, check your finances, and check the job market.   I would not move without a job.  What if it doesn't work out between the two of you (this is always a possibility, and unless you're married, I wouldn't count on it, but that's just me)?  Are you going to be able to afford to support yourself or move back without an issue?  Obviously I don't know how long you've been together, but I wouldn't move twice in one year for someone I've been with for about a year.</div><div>
</div><div>In addition, you really need to consider his son.  Since there is a child involved, my gut reaction is to tell you to wait a few months.  Again, I don't know how old the child is, but it might be best for him to spend more time with his son alone before you come into the picture. </div><div>
</div><div>Beth, I don't think you're crazy - I think being in college is different than being in the real world.  So, I side-eye you much less/not at all.  </div>

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_warning-bsc-ness-inside-long-vent-apologies-in-advance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c2f3780e-3b5c-4dab-80fc-b77d2f2d026bPost:0eab0ac2-ba4e-4d38-8dfe-582cca479c38">Re: WARNING BSC-ness inside long vent apologies in advance</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WARNING BSC-ness inside long vent apologies in advance :  Here are some things to think about:  1) Are there job oppertunities for you where he is relocating to? yes, and no, luckily I have a job where I can work from home they don't really care what state you're in. If I was to lose this job...well the economy sucks overall but we would be moving to a metropolitan area so I could probably temp somewhere til I found another job.  2) Are you moving away from a support system (family/friends)? Not really, my family is about an hour from where we are now but I seldom see them. Far as friends go, ya'll are pretty much it. I dont have a lot of IRL friends.  Will you have a support system near the new location? No real support system, he has other family in the area and they are cool but it's his family not mine. The GREAT part about this is that his baby mama is SUPER COOL, like we could hang out if we were closer type of cool, so I guess I could work on developing that friendship once we get closer.  3) If you won't have a friends/family near you are you strong enough to handle that? Trust me, even with your SO there if you don't know anyone else it can be very lonely sometimes and that isn't easy to handle.<font color="#000000"><strong> I'm pretty sure I can handle it alone if we would to break up for whatever reason </strong></font> 4) Is this somewhere you would've considered moving even if your SO weren't in the picture?  <font color="#FF0000"><strong>HECK no, I promised myself to never move north of the Mason/Dixon line and I HATE SNOW really pretty to look at in pictures but I don't do cold well</strong></font> 5) How confident are you in your relationship with your SO? Are you both on the same page about what you want out of life?  See this is where the problem comes in for me. I would feel more confident if we were engaged or married, but I can't really demand an engagement (nor would I want to) because I'm still legally married to somebody else. I feel like we are in a good place, he is a good man, I love him to pieces and I can't imagine being with anyone else nor am I worried about him straying or us breaking up. He's not perfect but he's perfect for me, yeah he can get on my nerves we've had some whopper arguments but have always been able to talk our way through them.  We've also had "the talk" so I know his current long term plan is to marry me as soon as I can fix the legal issues, but I don't know why <font color="#FF0000"><strong>I'm feeling so uncertain</strong></font> about this
Posted by rusngl2[/QUOTE]

First - Even when you are together if you have nobody else it becomes very lonely and can also put a strain on your relationship.

Second - The other two red, bolded sections are red flags to me. When I moved to CO it was a state I had always wanted to live in. My mom's best friend recently moved it Texas for her husband and hates it and it has been EXTREMELY difficult for her. She desperately wants to move back to Idaho, he doesn't and it's putting a huge amount of strain on their marriage. If you think you can make it work there then that's ok but this is moving somewhere not visiting. It's not a quick uncomfortable trip, it's your life. Also, if you are feeling uncomfortable then maybe you should discuss possibly doing long distance for awhile until you can be in a place where you are certain. Just because you don't move now doesn't mean you can't move later.

My BF and I did long distance for about 9 months before I moved down to CO to be with him. At the start of those 9 months I may have been hesitant about moving but by the end I was 100% sure it was what I wanted.

ETA: Lol, Thanks Peek :)

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_warning-bsc-ness-inside-long-vent-apologies-in-advance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c2f3780e-3b5c-4dab-80fc-b77d2f2d026bPost:0eab0ac2-ba4e-4d38-8dfe-582cca479c38">Re: WARNING BSC-ness inside long vent apologies in advance</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WARNING BSC-ness inside long vent apologies in advance :  Here are some things to think about:  1) Are there job oppertunities for you where he is relocating to? yes, and no, luckily I have a job where I can work from home they don't really care what state you're in. If I was to lose this job...well the economy sucks overall but we would be moving to a metropolitan area so I could probably temp somewhere til I found another job.  2) Are you moving away from a support system (family/friends)? Not really, my family is about an hour from where we are now but I seldom see them. Far as friends go, ya'll are pretty much it. I dont have a lot of IRL friends.  Will you have a support system near the new location? No real support system, he has other family in the area and they are cool but it's his family not mine. The GREAT part about this is that his baby mama is SUPER COOL, like we could hang out if we were closer type of cool, so I guess I could work on developing that friendship once we get closer.  3) If you won't have a friends/family near you are you strong enough to handle that? Trust me, even with your SO there if you don't know anyone else it can be very lonely sometimes and that isn't easy to handle. I'm pretty sure I can handle it alone if we would to break up for whatever reason  4) Is this somewhere you would've considered moving even if your SO weren't in the picture?  HECK no, I promised myself to never move north of the Mason/Dixon line and I HATE SNOW really pretty to look at in pictures but I don't do cold well 5) How confident are you in your relationship with your SO? Are you both on the same page about what you want out of life?  See this is where the problem comes in for me. I would feel more confident if we were engaged or married, but I can't really demand an engagement (nor would I want to) because I'm still legally married to somebody else. I feel like we are in a good place, he is a good man, I love him to pieces and I can't imagine being with anyone else nor am I worried about him straying or us breaking up. He's not perfect but he's perfect for me, yeah he can get on my nerves we've had some whopper arguments but have always been able to talk our way through them.  We've also had "the talk" so I know his current long term plan is to marry me as soon as I can fix the legal issues, <strong>but I don't know why I'm feeling so uncertain about this</strong>
Posted by rusngl2[/QUOTE]

<div>Go with your gut.  If you're not sure, don't do it.  Seriously, that's the best way to go.</div>

rusngl2

In Response to Re: WARNING BSC-ness inside long vent apologies in advance:
So, you're relocating essentially twice in one year, giving up your job in the process I moved where we are now in Dec 11, we'd be moving there when he can find a job so eta uncertain so yeah...

 I would not move without a job.  What if it doesn't work out between the two of you?  Are you going to be able to afford to support yourself or move back without an issue? I can move back to my original state pretty much by packing a bag, material things don't mean a lot to me mostly cause I don't have a lot of them I'm just attached to my big screen TV but other than that it'll all fit in the car. Going home would only be an issue for me cause I don't want to be there. If things didn't work out, I'd be more likely to put my stuff in storage a rent a room somewhere assuming I had a job...If not, well....

Obviously I don't know how long you've been together, but I wouldn't move twice in one year for someone I've been with for about a year. We've been back together for a year, 1st relationship was 3 years long. I've known him for about 5 

In addition, you really need to consider his son.  Since there is a child involved, my gut reaction is to tell you to wait a few months.  Again, I don't know how old the child is, but it might be best for him to spend more time with his son alone before you come into the picture. The son is 13, we've already met of course and we did the summer break thing a couple of times so we know each other but I know that's not like living together and it's not like he's currently going for full custody. Although I wouldnt have a problem if we did have him full time. He's overall a great kid. I don't think I'd be worried about the kid, it's just the uncertainty.

(EDIDTED TO FINISH SENTENCE... blah)

IrishDreamer

R:

I am currently in the process of moving across states with my FI. Neither of us has a job, he can sub, and I have several options, and we have roughly a month left here. He has no one there, and I have a few friends. 

Everyone here will tell you I'm nuts. I will fully admit it - I am. This is one of the craziest, ridiculous things I've done in my life. If it were just myself? I would have no issues - I find ways to make stuff work. Throw FI in the mix. He has lived here in MI his whole life, right in this same town - 30 years of the same place, and same people. We have had SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many conversations, arguments, discussions, etc to make sure we have covered every single base there is.

It's a huge step to move in this economy, let alone somewhere you aren't sure you will be happy. I lived in FL for 13 years, and FI has always dreamt of moving there - so that is where we are going. Ask Peek - she has heard me talk/vent/complain/biiiiitch about 8 million different options of moving possibilities.

If your gut says don't go. Don't go. My gut is telling me to get out of Dodge, so I'm going.

rusngl2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_warning-bsc-ness-inside-long-vent-apologies-in-advance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c2f3780e-3b5c-4dab-80fc-b77d2f2d026bPost:d7b2e6e0-a97a-4d0f-897e-decfe194fc83">Re: WARNING BSC-ness inside long vent apologies in advance</a>:
[QUOTE]. If your gut says don't go. Don't go. My gut is telling me to get out of Dodge, so I'm going.
Posted by IrishDreamer[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Good for you!! Seriousy, all my gut is giving me is indigestion...I think me & SO are going to have another long AZZ talk tonight

</div>

Hummingbird125

This is going to sound harsh, but honestly - I feel like if you're asking internet strangers (as awesome as we all are) about this, you probably shouldn't go. I know that if my boyfriend or I had to relocate, there would be NO QUESTION that the other would move too. I have a bunch of friends here, and my whole family is nearby, but BF is now the #1 person in my life (regardless of us not being engaged), and I'm confident we'll be spending the rest of our lives together. If one of us didn't *need* to move, but really wanted to for whatever reason, that decision wouldn't be made until we talked it over together and figured out how to make it work for both of us.

I'm not saying this relationship won't work, but I think it makes more sense to let him move first and then decide together if moving is the right plan for you.

rusngl2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_warning-bsc-ness-inside-long-vent-apologies-in-advance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c2f3780e-3b5c-4dab-80fc-b77d2f2d026bPost:7dbe0b79-b99c-4898-a5d3-87b75397b9a4">Re: WARNING BSC-ness inside long vent apologies in advance</a>:
[QUOTE]This is going to sound harsh, but honestly - I feel like if you're asking internet strangers (as awesome as we all are) about this, you probably shouldn't go. Posted by Hummingbird125[/QUOTE]

Thanks for your honesty Hummingbird, and I didn't take it as harsh but blunt and truthful, which is what I was searching for. I'll update ya'll tomorrow with the outcome of our conversation tonight...

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_warning-bsc-ness-inside-long-vent-apologies-in-advance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c2f3780e-3b5c-4dab-80fc-b77d2f2d026bPost:4be50e00-413f-41fa-8a79-547da35037cb">Re: WARNING BSC-ness inside long vent apologies in advance</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you ought to find a nice single guy who's never been married and who does not come attached with a myriad of issues.
Posted by TarponMonoxide[/QUOTE]

<div>I think she's the one with the issues...</div>