More Kids Talk- Will you Avoid, Adopt, Foster, or go "Old Fashioned"?

nefariousmango

Mike and I had a long talk last night about kids, and it made me wonder how the rest of you ladies feel about children:

1) How many kids do you want?  Any particular reason?

2) Do you think you will adopt or have them yourselves?

3) Would you consider fostering?

4) What are the most important things you want your child to have, and did you have them growing up?  (eg. we want to fund their undergrad. education so they don't spend their whole lives in debt like we probably will, lol)

5) Have you talked to your partner, and are you in agreement?

mysticl

1) 2ish I'm an only and it sucked so I would like to try to avoid that for my child,

2-3)  I would like to have them myself but I am 35 and there are fertility issues in the family so that may  not be an option.  Would consider adopting and maybe regular foster care.  My FI is very willing to adopt or foster.  I worked for a therapeutic foster care agency for over 7 years and we had an adoption division so my viewpoint is skewed towards the "horror stories"

4) I want them to grow up in a stable loving environment.  I had it better than alot of kids do (see above for my work experience) but I did have a couple of "rug pulled out from under me" experiences. 

5)  We have kinda an ongoing talk about this.  We bring it up at different times.  We are pretty much in agreement.

bethsmiles

1) How many kids do you want?  Any particular reason?
We have decided that we would ideally like to have 3 children. He was one of three and really liked that and I was one of 2 and always wished I had another sibling. However we would like to have at least one boy and one girl so we have agreed we would like to keep trying until we have both.
2) Do you think you will adopt or have them yourselves?
I would really like to adopt. He wants to have them ourselves. I'm becoming more open to the idea of having my own and he has always been open to adoption. We've discussed adopting at least one child.

3) Would you consider fostering?
I doubt we ever will. I just don't think its something either of us would ever feel prepared to deal with.

4) What are the most important things you want your child to have, and did you have them growing up?  (eg. we want to fund their undergrad. education so they don't spend their whole lives in debt like we probably will, lol)
My parents are paying for my schooling and we would like to do the same for our children....there are a lot of things that I would like my children to have. Family vacations were really big in my family and I feel like they brought us closer, I would like to be able to do that with my children as well.

5) Have you talked to your partner, and are you in agreement?
We have discussed all of this and more many times and are in agreement with everything. But even though we agree now I think its important to bring it up every once in awhile because sometimes people change their minds about things.

Narwhal

1) How many kids do you want?  Any particular reason?

I want at least three. Maybe even up to five.  I only have one sister, and we're a good bit apart in age.  I like that she's that much older than me, but I would have liked having someone in the middle too.  I think 3 is a good number, but 4 is even better so no one has to sit next to the strange man on the roller coaster.

2) Do you think you will adopt or have them yourselves?

If the Lord's willing, I would like to have them myself.  I'm not against adoption, it's a beautiful thing. My sister is adopting.  But the pregnancy and birth is just a really important experience for me and I don't know if I would be okay with missing out on that.

3) Would you consider fostering?

Probably not.  I already carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, I couldn't imagine trying to deal with the outside pain of one of my children and then potentially letting them go.  It would be too much for me.

4) What are the most important things you want your child to have, and did you have them growing up?

I want them to appreciate everything that they are given.  I don't know how my parents did it, but they managed to do a pretty good job with teaching me to be appreciative.  I also want them to have a big, close family because I never had that growing up.  My immediate family is very close, but there are only 4 of us.

5) Have you talked to your partner, and are you in agreement?

Yep.  He had the HUGE close family and loved it, so that's a very important part to him too.

bajediva

1) How many kids do you want?  Any particular reason?

3, probably 4. BF is pushing for 4. We both love kids and love family and feel it will help us achieve a measure of fulfillment as individuals and as a couple. As for the number, I'm one of 3 and loved it. He's an only child and hated it, and loves his cousins like siblings.

2) Do you think you will adopt or have them yourselves?

Will probably have them ourselves, I'm more open to adoption than BF is.

3) Would you consider fostering?

I feel like I would, but BF is deadset against it.

4) What are the most important things you want your child to have, and did you have them growing up?  (eg. we want to fund their undergrad. education so they don't spend their whole lives in debt like we probably will, lol)

It's really important to me that my children grow up in an environment that supports their wholesome growth - a safe & friendly neighbourhood, safe, open places to play and explore, good schools, good places of worship, their extended family around them. I did have these things and think they've been monumental. I'd LOVE to be able to at least help significantly with their undergrad educations - that I did not have.

5) Have you talked to your partner, and are you in agreement?

Yep. We have come to an agreement, but dont feel entirely the same way. He feels like 4 kids is his minimum, I feel like its my maximum, pending decisions as we go along based on resources. I do know that he would not stupidly stick to 4 just because of the number, and that he plans on working hard to position himself to amply take care of a medium to large family, so I'm ok on that.

 I am completely willing to, and even a little bit motivated to adopt at least one child somewhere in there, he feels like he's not interested at all, but open to consider it if/when a situation presented itself.

And we've never quite discussed what it would be important for our kids to have. So I'll whip that question out soon. Thanks :-)

Narwhal

I'd like to do what my parents did as far as schooling goes.  They made me work my butt off for scholarships because I thought that I wouldn't go to school without them otherwise, all the while they had a savings account with my college money in it.  I got my scholarships so I had the sense of achievement and hard work, but I still knew they wanted to help me out.

They both lost their jobs at the same time though, so there wasn't much left by the time I graduated, though, so a bunch of life happened and a few years passed and here I am stressing my little butt out over loans and such.  But that's irrelevant.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_kids-talk-will-avoid-adopt-foster-old-fashioned?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c4c1b018-d9eb-4237-b803-c9583954bf92Post:26a6d75e-9c97-4932-a2d4-6bbcd57b7a23">Re: More Kids Talk- Will you Avoid, Adopt, Foster, or go "Old Fashioned"?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd like to do what my parents did as far as schooling goes.  They made me work my butt off for scholarships because I thought that I wouldn't go to school without them otherwise, all the while they had a savings account with my college money in it.  I got my scholarships so I had the sense of achievement and hard work, but I still knew they wanted to help me out.
Posted by Narwhal[/QUOTE]

I totally agree with you on this. Both BF and I want to pay for our children's education but at the same time its important that they value it and work hard for their achievements in life. It always bothers me when I heard students on campus say things like "well my parents are paying so I don't care how I do in my classes...its not my money." Its really sad IMO that they are so willing to throw away this amazing opportunity for higher education that their parents have given them. My parents are paying for my school but I work my butt off. There is no way I would just throw away their money like that.

nefariousmango

Nice answers!  I guess it's time to speak up myself:

1) How many kids do you want?  Any particular reason?
2 or 3.  I nannies for a family of 3 and it was intense, but I know I can do it! I don't think we could handle 4, honestly, especially since Mike wants to be the stay at home dad and let me keep working!  I think siblings are where we practice our interpersonal skills as kids because we can mess up and they still have to love us, so no only children.

2) Do you think you will adopt or have them yourselves?
We're torn.  I have some medical issues that would make pregancy difficult and dangerous, but I do want to have my own kids!  We're leaning towards having one and seeing how that goes, and probably adopting at least one.  Naturally we'll seek lots of medical advice before making any decisions either way!

3) Would you consider fostering?
Absolutely.  I think by the time we're ready for a family we'll be prepared to give foster kids a stable environment.  I've worked with foster kids, I know how big a difference someone saying, "you're not stupid, you're not worthless, you can do this and we'll help you figure it out!" can make!  Plus we'd be willing to take siblings so they could stay together.  It would be tough, but worth it I think.  Mike is less enthusiastic but agrees.  

4) What are the most important things you want your child to have, and did you have them growing up?  (eg. we want to fund their undergrad. education so they don't spend their whole lives in debt like we probably will, lol)
We want to take lots of family vacations, which we both did growing up, and spend lots of time with the whole family.  Traveling definitely brought us closer as a family and helped us understand the world (nature and society).   Mike hated Hebrew school and I enjoyed the little bit of the Buddhist version that I attended, so we'll probably send our kids to occasional Buddhist kids activities but not make them attend the weekly children's lessons provided by our community. 

5) Have you talked to your partner, and are you in agreement?
Yes.  We are on the same page, but the page changes and we talk about it a lot so we don't get stuck in different places!

prasad007

1) How many kids do you want?  Any particular reason?

I'm the youngest of 5, and I have always wanted a big family. He is the youngest of 2. We've decided on 2 because 1) kids are expensive! and 2) I worry about the growing world population.

2) Do you think you will adopt or have them yourselves?

I definintely want to be pregnant, and give birth,  at least once. I'm also very open to adoption, as is my FI. We both want a boy and a girl, so if we have two children of the same sex, we would probably adopt another child (or try again, depending on the circumstances in our lives).

3) Would you consider fostering?

DEFINITELY, but once our kids are at least over 10. I don't want our kids to feel like they are being 'replaced' or 'aren't good enough'-- I want them to be able to understand what being a foster family is all about. I also can't imagine living in a house without children (such as when our babies grow up and move out), so I would want us to be a foster family for a long time, even when it is just FI and I and we are becoming elderly.

4) What are the most important things you want your child to have, and did you have them growing up?  (eg. we want to fund their undergrad. education so they don't spend their whole lives in debt like we probably will, lol)

I want my kids to grow up in one place, possibly in one house, preferably with one set of schools (so, not 4 elementary schools like I did). We moved a lot when I was younger and it was very hard. I also want my kids to have a strong sense of right and wrong and to be comfortable with who they are. And, of course, to know that they will always be loved.

5) Have you talked to your partner, and are you in agreement?

Yes, we have talked about kids for our entire relationship. There are two things we don't see eye to eye on:
1) fostering. FI is worried that he won't be able to help raise/ support kids with various issues. I think he is worried about having his heart broken. He would love to foster animals, though.
2) breastfeeding. I want my kids to breastfeed as long as they need it, but he thinks that once they are 1.5- 2, they are too old. I don't know, I just know that the average weaning age around the world (including all cultures) is 3, and that seems just fine by me. (flame away)

Narwhal

I'll definitely not flame you for extended breastfeeding.  I'm all for that.

nefariousmango

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_kids-talk-will-avoid-adopt-foster-old-fashioned?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c4c1b018-d9eb-4237-b803-c9583954bf92Post:45b160dd-6240-401c-8189-3ef193a5baf3">Re: More Kids Talk- Will you Avoid, Adopt, Foster, or go "Old Fashioned"?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: More Kids Talk- Will you Avoid, Adopt, Foster, or go "Old Fashioned"? : I totally agree with you on this. Both BF and I want to pay for our children's education but at the same time its important that they value it and work hard for their achievements in life. It always bothers me when I heard students on campus say things like "well my parents are paying so I don't care how I do in my classes...its not my money." Its really sad IMO that they are so willing to throw away this amazing opportunity for higher education that their parents have given them. My parents are paying for my school but I work my butt off. There is no way I would just throw away their money like that.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

I agree 100% with Narwhal and you!  My parents said they'd pay for us to be in school as long as we were there to learn, but we had to prove it each semester or be prepared to pay them back.  I ended up getting a full ride and my parents paid for housing, which was fantastic.  Mike's parents agreed to pay in-state and Mike took out loans to cover the difference to go out of state.  Unfortunately for us Mike picked the most expensive public engineering school in the country, and didn't go into oil or military weapons like all the other graduates!  Stupid values, lol!  I think we'll do more like Narwhal's parents and push our kids to get scholarships, but also be prepared to pay their way if they're passionate but can't get full rides. 

tafft1

1) How many kids do you want?  Any particular reason?

We know we both want 2 - 3. However with my age - 32 - and possible fertility issues we know this may not be possible and if we ever have 1 either naturally , adoption , etc , we will feel blessed.

2) Do you think you will adopt or have them yourselves?

In a perfect world , we would have them ourselves. However I have had 5 miscarriages years ago with an ex , and basically in my family miscarriage rate is high mixed with some personal fertility issues may make it hard. FI has told me outright he will do anything to be a father and have kids no matter if its natural or other means. He loves kids as much as me and that makes my heart soar.

3) Would you consider fostering?

Absolutely. My sisters both gave their kids over to the foster care system and it hurt me to see it done and I know how many good kids could use a positive and stable environment that every child deserves.

4) What are the most important things you want your child to have, and did you have them growing up?
 
 I want them to know the value of earning things for themselves and saving money at an early age. My mom basically gave me everything to try and make up for an abusive father - I know she did what she felt was right but it hurt me in the end. I also will do everything I can do to make sure they can go to college if they wish but will not force it upon them. I don't think college is right for everyone but it will be there as much as I can help with.

5) Have you talked to your partner, and are you in agreement?

Most definitely. We talk about it weekly if not more. I see the passion and love inside that he wants to share and it scares me at times I can't promise I can provide what he wants..it's a scary feeling that I try to deal with day by day.

prasad007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_kids-talk-will-avoid-adopt-foster-old-fashioned?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c4c1b018-d9eb-4237-b803-c9583954bf92Post:26d97663-4dd4-40a5-be94-d120b447f3aa">Re: More Kids Talk- Will you Avoid, Adopt, Foster, or go "Old Fashioned"?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'll definitely not flame you for extended breastfeeding.  I'm all for that.
Posted by Narwhal[/QUOTE]


Sweet-- thanks Narwhal!

I think I'm a bit defensive about it because I know we'll be getting a lot of comments from FI's side of the family about it. Luckily, he has already said that he would stick up for our decisions to his family (cloth diapers, breastfeeding, etc). I really do love that man! :)

Narwhal

Pssssst, Tafft.

Your answer reminded me of a quote I really like.


Natural Child:  Any child who is not artificial.
Real Parent:  Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.
Adopted Child: A natural child,  with a real parent, who is my own.
-Rita Laws PhD

Narwhal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_kids-talk-will-avoid-adopt-foster-old-fashioned?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c4c1b018-d9eb-4237-b803-c9583954bf92Post:15b01e9d-83fb-4ec9-83c3-0a41be3a17ab">Re: More Kids Talk- Will you Avoid, Adopt, Foster, or go "Old Fashioned"?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: More Kids Talk- Will you Avoid, Adopt, Foster, or go "Old Fashioned"? : Sweet-- thanks Narwhal! I think I'm a bit defensive about it because I know we'll be getting a lot of comments from FI's side of the family about it. Luckily, he has already said that he would stick up for our decisions to his family (cloth diapers, breastfeeding, etc). I really do love that man! :)
Posted by prasad007[/QUOTE]

I don't know how our families will react to me wanting to do extended BFing.  My mom BFed me until she decided she was tired of leaking.  She also cloth diapered me until she was tired of worrying about diaper service. So I don't think she'll have anything to say about it initially, but she probably will buck at my idea of baby led weaning.  I don't know what BF's family did, but I don't see us really discussing parenting techniques with them (not that they weren't good parents, but I just can't really imagine having that conversation).

I'm also a huge fan of babywearing for both the child's cognitive development and ease. :)

tafft1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_kids-talk-will-avoid-adopt-foster-old-fashioned?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c4c1b018-d9eb-4237-b803-c9583954bf92Post:ed316552-8ecb-46f5-a7eb-0c1b19cff61f">Re: More Kids Talk- Will you Avoid, Adopt, Foster, or go "Old Fashioned"?</a>:
[QUOTE]Pssssst, Tafft. Your answer reminded me of a quote I really like. Natural Child:  Any child who is not artificial. Real Parent:  Any parent who is not imaginary. Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child. Adopted Child: A natural child,  with a real parent, who is my own. -Rita Laws PhD
Posted by Narwhal[/QUOTE]


I love that..thank you..i've just been extremely emotional the past few days and it's been from alot of stress..and guilt over various things. I appreciate that quote.

Narwhal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_kids-talk-will-avoid-adopt-foster-old-fashioned?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c4c1b018-d9eb-4237-b803-c9583954bf92Post:0057937a-5cf3-4901-a2ec-0265c93f2cc0">Re: More Kids Talk- Will you Avoid, Adopt, Foster, or go "Old Fashioned"?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: More Kids Talk- Will you Avoid, Adopt, Foster, or go "Old Fashioned"? : I love that..thank you..i've just been extremely emotional the past few days and it's been from alot of stress..and guilt over various things. I appreciate that quote.
Posted by tafft1[/QUOTE]

Glad to be of a service to you. :)  I hope you get to feeling much better. You don't deserve any guilt. Life happens and you just gotta roll with it. :)

bethsmiles

It's nice to hear that so many of you are open to adoption! BF and I were hanging out with his friends Sunday night and they were talking about having kids and such. When I mentioned that I would like to adopt they gave me and BF almost disgusted looks and asked if I wouldn't be able have my own for some reason. I've always wanted to adopt and their reaction I guess of lack of a better word somewhat shocked me.

As for foster care. I admire those of you that are up to it. Personally I'm not sure I'm strong enough to handle it, but I wish I was. Maybe when I'm older I'll change my mind though.

prasad007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_kids-talk-will-avoid-adopt-foster-old-fashioned?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c4c1b018-d9eb-4237-b803-c9583954bf92Post:9cf5af9d-8174-44b0-b0a4-3848cad154c7">Re: More Kids Talk- Will you Avoid, Adopt, Foster, or go "Old Fashioned"?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: More Kids Talk- Will you Avoid, Adopt, Foster, or go "Old Fashioned"? : I don't know how our families will react to me wanting to do extended BFing.  My mom BFed me until she decided she was tired of leaking.  She also cloth diapered me until she was tired of worrying about diaper service. So I don't think she'll have anything to say about it initially, but she probably will buck at my idea of baby led weaning.  I don't know what BF's family did, but I don't see us really discussing parenting techniques with them (not that they weren't good parents, but I just can't really imagine having that conversation). I'm also a huge fan of babywearing for both the child's cognitive development and ease. :)
Posted by Narwhal[/QUOTE]

My mom breastfed all 5 kids, and pumped for a 6th! (which is too confusing a tale to even go into)... She also used cloth diapers for all of us. I'm all about the babywearing too, and having plenty of skin-to-skin contact. What are your thoughts on co-sleeping?

FI and his brother were breastfed for less than 3 months each. I just know that his mom will want to be helpful with all of her advice, and his dad is just judgemental. The whole family, though they do love me (FI's mom refers to me as her daughter, and his dad called the other week just to say he loved me...) think I'm a hippy. Which I'm really not... :)

I just think it's so great that you feel the same way! Yay! 

**Mutley**

1) How many kids do you want?  Any particular reason?
Right now, our plan is 4.  However, we have discussed having more.  We both feel like family is the most important thing in this world.  I always wanted more than 2 kids.  DH always wanted to have a larger family.  We like that 4 is an even number.  If we get to 4 and have all boys, that is not the determining factor for having another child.  I do not feel strongly about having both genders.  I truly feel lucky to be pregnant and hope that our boy is born healthy. (And I have the same wish for all future spawn.)

2) Do you think you will adopt or have them yourselves?
We plan on having them all ourselves.  If somewhere down the line, I am unable to get pregnant, then we will discuss our options then.  We have not ruled out adoption, but it is not our first choice.

3) Would you consider fostering?
It has never been on either of our radars.  

4) What are the most important things you want your child to have, and did you have them growing up?  (eg. we want to fund their undergrad. education so they don't spend their whole lives in debt like we probably will, lol)
I feel like there are so many different areas of importance: emotional, physical, mental, intellectual, etc.  My answer would be Jeana-length. 

We both got full-rides to college.  We joke that our kids will have the right genetic make-up (his was athletic, while mine was academic) and thus, they are expected to get one as well.  We have already started Mr. Man's college savings. 

5) Have you talked to your partner, and are you in agreement?
I think it is a given at this point... seeing as I am less than 8 weeks away from my due date and this was a very, much planned pregnancy. 

Narwhal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_kids-talk-will-avoid-adopt-foster-old-fashioned?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c4c1b018-d9eb-4237-b803-c9583954bf92Post:df9f7a93-4446-47b6-81d1-d6f23f9dca0e">Re: More Kids Talk- Will you Avoid, Adopt, Foster, or go "Old Fashioned"?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: More Kids Talk- Will you Avoid, Adopt, Foster, or go "Old Fashioned"? : My mom breastfed all 5 kids, and pumped for a 6th! (which is too confusing a tale to even go into)... She also used cloth diapers for all of us. I'm all about the babywearing too, and having plenty of skin-to-skin contact. What are your thoughts on co-sleeping? FI and his brother were breastfed for less than 3 months each. I just know that his mom will want to be helpful with all of her advice, and his dad is just judgemental. The whole family, though they do love me (FI's mom refers to me as her daughter, and his dad called the other week just to say he loved me...) think I'm a hippy. Which I'm really not... :) I just think it's so great that you feel the same way! Yay! 
Posted by prasad007[/QUOTE]

I don't really know about cosleeping, really.  Maybe in a separate bed in the same room as an infant and then transfering to their own room.  It isn't something I feel strongly about.  BF and I have already discussed that our room might be off limits to children as long as we are willing to leave it to attend to their needs.  I'm not a big fan of the cry it out method, especially at the beginning.  I've done a lot of psychological research about it and it just doesn't seem like it's worth it in the end.

**Mutley**

Narwal, did I recommend a book to you recently?

I will be a breastfeeding, baby-wearing, cloth diapering mom.  We are somewhat doing co-sleeping for the first couple of months.  We are getting one of these:

LizzyTish88

1) How many kids do you want?  Any particular reason?
I want 3, and BF wants an even number so that we can go on roller coasters and no one has to sit alone. He says 2 because 4 is too many, but I'd be fine with four. Both of us are only children and our kids won't have any cousins or aunts/uncles so I want to bless them with siblings.

2) Do you think you will adopt or have them yourselves?
I would like to have them myself. If I can't then I would defiantly consider adopting.

3) Would you consider fostering?
It's never crossed my mind, and I would have to think about it if the time ever came.

4) What are the most important things you want your child to have, and did you have them growing up? 
Both BF and I have big families, and I would love for my children to have the same. To us there is nothing more important then family and we want to make sure to pas that on to our children.

5) Have you talked to your partner, and are you in agreement?
Yes, the only thing we go back and forth on is the number because of the damn roller coasters haha, although it does make a good point.

Hazel_B

1) How many kids do you want?  Any particular reason?

My answer is a bit complicated. BF and I are both the oldest of 2. We agree about no only children. So, our minimum is 2 but BF prefers 3. I've said we will see how health and finances are after 2 before deciding on 3. Then depending on the age differences between 2 and 3 possibly a 4th, I don't want a 3rd child basically being an only child.

2) Do you think you will adopt or have them yourselves?

Having them ourselves is our first priority, but adoption hasn't been ruled out. I have cousins that are adopted and they've had a difficult time occassionally. I think my aunt and uncle have also had challenges by not knowing the full history - one has had to go to anger management classes, only after meeting his biological mom did everyone find out that his biological dad had the same problem.

3) Would you consider fostering?

I've known people who have fostered and have heard both positive and negative stories. Personally I don't know if I could handle the demands of it, I think way too much about things.

4) What are the most important things you want your child to have, and did you have them growing up?  (eg. we want to fund their undergrad. education so they don't spend their whole lives in debt like we probably will, lol)

In terms of school I had mine paid for but I had to be accountable. My dad saw my grades every term, insisted that I do a co-operative education to improve job prospects and read all my work evaluations as well.  I suppose if I wasn't performing well that I would have been cut off, however I never like to disappoint myself or my parents so that never came up.

BF was left completely on his own for university and took a long time to finish his degree because he worked through school to pay for it. He's only just finished paying off his school loans. I don't think he'd want that for his children simply based on how he talks about it.

Aside from that BF and I have similar values in terms of education, exposure to the world, emotional health, physical health etc., so I think we'd make those areas priorities.

5) Have you talked to your partner, and are you in agreement?

We have discussed some but not all of the above questions. Where we don't agree on an issue we agree on how we would eventually reach a decision when circumstances change, for example the number of children.

katanne9

1) How many kids do you want?  Any particular reason?

We are hoping to have 4 kids. We both only had 1 sibling and always wanted to have a big family.

2) Do you think you will adopt or have them yourselves?

We actually just discussed this again this weekend. We are strongly looking into adopting a child. We've also discussed doing foster care, or temporary foster care.

We've decided we will have our first 2 kids by conception, and then go from there - emotionally and financially permitting. I also feel strongly about adopting a child from the US, as I feel they are often overlooked by the complicated and expensive US adoption system.

3) Would you consider fostering?

Yes. We've talked about this a lot. I think we'd both really like to do foster care at some point in our lives - not sure if it will be while we have small children though. We've thought a lot about doing interim foster care - taking care of the children while their parents are getting back on their feet.

4) What are the most important things you want your child to have, and did you have them growing up?  (eg. we want to fund their undergrad. education so they don't spend their whole lives in debt like we probably will, lol)

We are adamant about paying for our children's college education. It already comes up, and we won't be TTC for several more years. We were both very blessed and had our education paid for by our parents and grandparents. Because of this, and the huge blessing that has been to both of us... especially right now in our lives... we feel a strong conviction to do the same for our kids.

5) Have you talked to your partner, and are you in agreement?

Yes. Absolute agreement. We've been discussing these things for a long time and many of these decisions have been made together.

PaigeMcC

1) How many kids do you want?  Any particular reason?

I want 5.  FI wants 2.  We've decided we'll probably stop at 3.  

2) Do you think you will adopt or have them yourselves?

I would rather give birth myself, but we've discussed the option of adoption and if we can't have our own then we would be open to it.

3) Would you consider fostering?

I have considered this before.  I think it could be very hard and very challenging but it would be something to discuss later on.

4) What are the most important things you want your child to have, and did you have them growing up?  (eg. we want to fund their undergrad. education so they don't spend their whole lives in debt like we probably will, lol)

I want my child to have a loving, stable and supportive environment.  My parents, and FI's parents, brought us both up in great environments that fostered our learning, self expression and identity.  I want that for my children.  I want them to know that they're responsible, independent members of society but that they always have our support.

Also, I want to pay for their education.  FI has a TON of student debt.  My parents (and grandparents) saved enough for their three children to get one degree/diploma each.  We all worked for scholarships as well but it really meant the world to me that when I wanted to go to school, I could.  

5) Have you talked to your partner, and are you in agreement?

We've talked.  We're pretty much in agreement.  We've also recently been discussing the fact that I'd love to be a SAHM for a little while (til the kids are 3ish and we send them to daycare).  FI is down on this as long as we can afford it.

PaigeMcC

How did my post become all kinds of fucked...?!

jgcohn

1) How many kids do you want?  Any particular reason?
At least 4.  My BF and I love kids.  We were both in a family with 3 and thought 4 would have been more fun. (I like the rollercoaster reason that's been floating around...that totally happened to us gorwing up!)

2) Do you think you will adopt or have them yourselves?
We would prefer to have them ourselves.  We will definitely adopt if this is not possible!

3) Would you consider fostering?
Never even thought about it.  I'd have to think more about that before I answered.

4) What are the most important things you want your child to have, and did you have them growing up?
I loved growing up in the same house.  I would love to have a similar situation for my kids (not moving around much, if at all).  I would also love for them to get to travel and have an appreciation for different cultures and places.  A curiosity for learning would also be nice.  As for the college issue...we would love to be able to pay for their college educations.  My parents were able to pay for mine, and until my BFs dad passed, his expenses were paid for also.  We will start college funds ASAP for our little ones! (it won't let me un-italicize this!)

5) Have you talked to your partner, and are you in agreement?
Yes.  We are 100% in agreement and have talked about this lots over the years.

oceana919

1) How many kids do you want?  Any particular reason?
Definitely two. If we have the time and means to support a third, I would be open to it.

2) Do you think you will adopt or have them yourselves?
Ideally, I want to have our own. However, I have specific health issues that may prevent that/make it extremely difficult, so adoption is also a very possible option for us. To be honest, I've always wanted to have two naturally, and adopt a third, but we'll see how it plays out.

3) Would you consider fostering?
No, for completely selfish reasons - I know myself. I'd end up adopting every kid that came through our doors.

4) What are the most important things you want your child to have, and did you have them growing up?  (eg. we want to fund their undergrad. education so they don't spend their whole lives in debt like we probably will, lol)
We actually just had this conversation last night. I want to a) instill similar values and beliefs that my parents instilled in me, and b) I want to have the financial means to give our children whatever they want/need within reason. Growing up (and, frankly, still today), I was a "spoiled kid" - my parents made sure I never wanted, they provided me with everything I needed and most of what I wanted out of life. However, along with those blessings, I recieved many lessons on the importance of recognizing what you have in life, being grateful for it, and putting forward just as much good into the world as you recieve. As a result, it made me want to work harder to get the things I wanted for myself, and it made me incredibly grateful for the things and the opportunities I recieve in life. I want to instill those same values in my children.

5) Have you talked to your partner, and are you in agreement?
He's not sure how he feels about adopting if we are capable of having his own, but he's open to discussion if/when the time comes. Other than that, we're on the same page.

dwest2201

1) How many kids do you want?  Any particular reason?

3 or 4 total (including my son from my previous marriage).  We have discussed this a lot, he had 3 siblings and I had 1 (who passed away when I was 5) so I was essentially raised as an only child.  FI  would like to have a son with his own name so if we have 2 more and they are girls we will definitely have 1 more.  I'm pretty sure that 4 would be my limit!

2) Do you think you will adopt or have them yourselves?

We want to have them ourselves if possible (we already know I can).  We are very much in agreeance that if we could not have them for whatever reason that we would adopt.  We were open to this before but after watching FSIL and FBIL adopt the sweetest little baby boy last year we are definitely up for that when and if the time comes.

3) Would you consider fostering?

I don't think so, but we haven't really discussed this.  I don't think that this is something that I would be able to handle emotionally.  I worked in daycare, a longtime sitter and a nanny and I still miss some of those kids today and I haven't done that type of work for 6 years!

Also, my aunt does foster care in FL and I've heard and seen some absolute heartbreaking stories from that.  Kids being brought into foster care or given back to parents on a moments notice, bringing bed bugs to her house with their belongings, showing up with obvious signs of abuse... just not something that I see myself dealing well with but I commend anyone who wishes to do it and I think that my Aunt Barb is a Saint for all that she does for the kids that she has.  Her and her husband have even adopted two little girls who were originally foster children.

4) What are the most important things you want your child to have, and did you have them growing up? 

We think that family is the most important thing.  He has a big close family and I love that... it is something that I have always wanted.  We agree that education is important and that we will expect our children to do well and work for scholarships to go to college (we will have a savings account for the as well, but expect them to prove that they deserve that money). 

5) Have you talked to your partner, and are you in agreement?

Yes, we agree on pretty much everything.  He would ideally like to send our children to private school and I'm not against it I just think that it will be too expensive.  I would rather move to a good public school district than be broke because of paying for private education.  We have decided that we are pretty much on the same page and we will revisit once we actually have a child (of our own) to worry about it any more.

catemeg

1) How many kids do you want?  Any particular reason?
We want 2, with a possibility of adopting a 3rd.  After living in China, I've always wanted to adopt a baby girl from China (even though the laws are strict, being able to speak Chinese actually helps, so I have a better shot than most).

2) Do you think you will adopt or have them yourselves?
We want to have our own, but we're totally open to adopting.

3) Would you consider fostering?
I've thought about this a lot - I do Big Brothers Big Sisters, and being a part of that little girl's life has been really rewarding.  However, this would likely be something we'd do after our own children have gone to college when we have the means and the time and the space to help others.

4) What are the most important things you want your child to have, and did you have them growing up?
We are big on breastfeeding, I'd like to be a SAHM for awhile (at least until they're in school), siblings are mandatory, creativity needs to be encouraged, education is very important, they MUST speak at least 2 languages from infancy (I'm going to raise them with Spanish, and when they get in school they will have to take a different language).  Fast food will not be introduced into their diet until somebody else takes them - it won't be us!  Food will also never be a reward or treat.  We're big on organics and hormone- and antibiotic- free foods as much as reasonably possible.  My parents were fantastic, and I'd love to be able to emulate them.

5) Have you talked to your partner, and are you in agreement?
This is a very common conversation, and we're completely on the same page.  The only thing we sort of differ on is when - he wants to have kids by the time he's 30, but's in just 3 years and I'm not ready.  So it will probably be a few years after that.