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Not Engaged Yet

Arranged proposal

As some of you know, I have problems with my mom accepting my boyfriend, we really want to change this situation and make her see how serious is this, we also want her to know him better before the wedding and the only way to do it is if we get engaged now, so she will have plenty of time to change her mind.

This will sound strange but, as we were already planning to get married, we arranged our proposal so we can have it in my parents presence.  My mom doesn't want to discuss the situation, so she will never agree in a meeting to talk  and the only time where my parents and us are going to be in the same place is in a friend's wedding this December 19th.  We asked for his permission to do that in his wedding and he thinks is a great idea, we are just waiting his fiancée agreement and we are going to buy the ring in December 10th.

It wont be a surprise at all for me, but I'm still really nervous and excited!! Anyway, it will be a surprise what he will say and how he will propose.

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Re: Arranged proposal

  • edited December 2011
    LOL, Chunkobutt.

    I don't really know what to think about this. So, you're having issues with the parents... and to overcome this obstacle the solution is....... have your BF propose in front of them? Like, slap them in the face with it? At someone else's wedding?

    I'm with Chunkobutt.
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  • edited December 2011
    Jeana, I rhink you mean...

  • HylmareyHylmarey member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Well, the intention is not to "salp" them with it, i never thought to do that.  My mom just doesn't want to sit down and talk, ¿may I just arrive to my house with an engagement ring in my hand?
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_arranged-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:c8504c38-4345-4f6b-8271-cca4aafa95ddPost:572abd2f-abff-4868-ad1f-d6a90d1b6f77">Arranged proposal</a>:
    [QUOTE]As some of you know, I have problems with my mom accepting my boyfriend, we really want to change this situation and make her see how serious is this, we also want her to know him better before the wedding and the only way to do it is if we get engaged now, so she will have plenty of time to change her mind. This will sound strange but, as we were already planning to get married, we arranged our proposal so we can have it in my parents presence.  My mom doesn't want to discuss the situation, so she will never agree in a meeting to talk  and the only time where my parents and us are going to be in the same place is in a friend's wedding this December 19th.  We asked for his permission to do that in his wedding and he thinks is a great idea, we are just waiting his fiancée agreement and we are going to buy the ring in December 10th. It wont be a surprise at all for me, but I'm still really nervous and excited!! Anyway, it will be a surprise what he will say and how he will propose.
    Posted by Hylmarey[/QUOTE]

    I think a wedding is second only to a funeral as the WORST place to propose, "arranged" or otherwise.
  • edited December 2011
    You are pretty ridiculous.  GROW A SPINE.  The etiquette board already explained how your thought processes are asinine.  
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  • edited December 2011
    Have you, oh I don't know, told your mother that this is serious? And that you are planning to get married whether she accepts him or not? It's pretty unlikely that if she doesn't approve now she isn't going to magically change her mind just because you get engaged.


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  • edited December 2011
    I'm glad the people whose wedding this is are ok with it.  Otherwise, this sounds like a recipe for utter and total disaster. Have you taken into account the fact that your mother might seriously be upset since she doesn't like FI anyway?  Like, make a scene at someone else's event type upset.  My mom would shoot me in the face for putting her on the spot like that.  I'm really eager to see how this turns out though.
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  • pag41989pag41989 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    wow... I would be pretty angry if someone proposed to their girlfriend at my wedding. Also, I would want to have my parent's approval before I thought about getting married. There could be a good reason that they don't like him that you should address before gettting engaged/married.
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  • anna.oskaranna.oskar member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_arranged-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c8504c38-4345-4f6b-8271-cca4aafa95ddPost:33ea08be-b317-43ee-a5f8-bc9b523b1166">Re: Arranged proposal</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Arranged proposal : I think a wedding is second only to a funeral as the WORST place to propose, "arranged" or otherwise.
    Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]

    I don't know...  A Gyno's office would be worse i think.  Especially if you were only there to confirm a pregnancy.
  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_arranged-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c8504c38-4345-4f6b-8271-cca4aafa95ddPost:572abd2f-abff-4868-ad1f-d6a90d1b6f77">Arranged proposal</a>:
    [QUOTE]As some of you know, I have problems with my mom accepting my boyfriend, we really want to change this situation and make her see how serious is this. ...My mom doesn't want to discuss the situation, so she will never agree in a meeting to talk  and the only time where my parents and us are going to be in the same place is in a friend's wedding this December 19th. ...We asked for his permission to do that in his wedding and he thinks is a great idea, we are just waiting his fiancée agreement and we are going to buy the ring in December 10th. It wont be a surprise at all for me, but I'm still really nervous and excited!! Anyway, it will be a surprise what he will say and how he will propose.Posted by Hylmarey[/QUOTE]

    OH NO. So you are going to cause a huge drama filled  scene at someone's wedding? If mom doesn't like him, she will not be happy about a proposal. So you want a huge horrible scene at a friend's weeding? The bride might say yes to this (if she feels pressured) but she will have a grudge against you for life.  Just NO.

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  • Koopa17Koopa17 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_arranged-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c8504c38-4345-4f6b-8271-cca4aafa95ddPost:33ea08be-b317-43ee-a5f8-bc9b523b1166">Re: Arranged proposal</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Arranged proposal : I think a wedding is second only to a funeral as the WORST place to propose, "arranged" or otherwise.
    Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]

    I really have to agree with this.  Even if the couple tells you it's ok to do it at their wedding, I still think its rude.  Also, why do you need to sit down and discuss this with your parents before you get engaged? Are you looking for "permission"?
  • edited December 2011
    I'm too lazy to figure out the back story to this but please go ahead with your staged proposal in front of your unsupportive parents at someone else's wedding.  Should make for a good story at least.
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  • bbyckesbbyckes member
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Don't do this.  Weddings should be fun and carefree.  It's not fair to the couple getting married and it's not fair for your mother. Don't ruin the day for either of them with this arranged proposal.  Also just because he's engaged to her daughter by no means, means that she will now want to get to know him better.  More than likely, she will feel ambushed and resent him and the situation more. 

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  • edited December 2011
    If someone asked to pull off this kind of craziness craziness at my wedding, I'd be pissed. What a horrible idea.
  • edited December 2011
    It's like you've asked yourself, "What would Michael Scott do?".
  • edited December 2011
    [QUOTE]As some of you know, I have problems with my mom accepting my boyfriend, we really want to change this situation and make her see how serious is this, <strong>we also want her to know him better before the wedding and the only way to do it is if we get engaged now,</strong> so she will have plenty of time to change her mind. [/QUOTE]

    How is being engaged the only way for her to get to know him?  She can't get to know him while you are still dating?  Color me ignorant, but that's how my husband and I did things.
  • edited December 2011
    Cew, exactly.  This is such a Michael Scott move it's not even funny. 
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  • edited December 2011
    I think your priorities are way off here. It shouldn't be, "how can I make my mom sit there and watch us get engaged in a public enough place where she can't escape or make a scene?" It should be "what is really going on with my relationship with my mom and why does she dislike my bf so much?" Finding ways to force this down her throat and "surprise" her with it is only going to damage your situation more and make it harder for her to accept him.

    Hire a mediator or something so that you two can have a talk about what's really going on, not your future proposal. Why does she seemingly hate your bf anyway? Are you too young? Is he a d-bag?



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  • HylmareyHylmarey member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I never thought it that way, really, my friend who is going to marry knows the whole story and he said it's a great idea. Also is not going to be something public, he would just ask me in our table, nothing that everybody has to know.

    I have considered why my mom doesn't like my boyfriend, beleive me, she doesnt have a good reason for that.  I'm not asking for permission, I just don't want them to feel that I don't care at all what they think.

    So then, what you suggest me to do?
  • edited December 2011
    I think your suggestion of just showing up at your mother's house with an engagement ring is a much better idea than potentially ruining a friend's wedding.  Seriously.  If you already know your mom isn't going to react well, don't make her do it in public.
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  • Koopa17Koopa17 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think I would just keep dropping hints to her that this is serious, and you have been talking a lot about marriage.  Straight out tell her you plan to get married...anything other than this plan really.  I REALLY wouldn't do this at your friends' wedding though, let them have their day.  Good luck, hope things work out for you.
  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_arranged-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c8504c38-4345-4f6b-8271-cca4aafa95ddPost:ca2dfaa8-880f-4c13-be06-93c5798d737b">Re: Arranged proposal</a>:
    [QUOTE]So then, what you suggest me to do?
    Posted by Hylmarey[/QUOTE]

    Talk to her. Or schedule an apt together for a  therapist or mediator to figure out why she is upset. You don't have to be engaged to be serious. Explain why you want her to like your BF & how upset you are b/c she dislikes him.

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  • pag41989pag41989 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_arranged-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c8504c38-4345-4f6b-8271-cca4aafa95ddPost:ca2dfaa8-880f-4c13-be06-93c5798d737b">Re: Arranged proposal</a>:
    [QUOTE]I never thought it that way, really, my friend who is going to marry knows the whole story and he said it's a great idea. Also is not going to be something public, he would just ask me in our table, nothing that everybody has to know.Posted by Hylmarey[/QUOTE]


    Yeah HE doesnt mind. What about the bride. I doubt he really cares either way but usually the bride would not be too happy about it. I would suggest if it really matters to you two that much and you two love each other it truly shouldnt matter what your parents think. You are an adult ( I think). Have him propose when he wants to propose, not at someones wedding.
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  • edited December 2011
    You've been told repeatedly suggestions of what to do.

    Talk to your mom.  Find out what your mom's problem is and what is going on with your relationship.  If you find out that she really and truly has no good reason to dislike your boyfriend and no good reason to disapprove of your relationship, then let it go and stop caring.  My parents are crazy.  In high school, my parents wanted me to find new friends because they didn't live within walking distance of our house and my parents didn't want to take 10 minutes out of their week to drop me off at my friends' houses.  Seriously.  Did I follow them around begging them to reconcider?  NO.  I said, "ok mom and dad" and had my friends pick me up.  There are two groups of people you can't reason with; toddlers and crazy people, so stop trying.
  • rickylee244rickylee244 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_arranged-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:c8504c38-4345-4f6b-8271-cca4aafa95ddPost:ca2dfaa8-880f-4c13-be06-93c5798d737b">Re: Arranged proposal</a>:
    [QUOTE], I just don't want them to feel that I don't care at all what they think. So then, what you suggest me to do?
    Posted by Hylmarey[/QUOTE]

    If you really meant that you wouldn't be springing the surprise on your parents especially at someone else's wedding and putting them on the spot like this.  Refer to other PPs you need to either talk to you mom directly or get someone to intervene before this gets too far. 
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  • edited December 2011
    There are so many things wrong with this. If someone wanted to propose at my wedding, I'd be PISSED. I'm not bridezilla-like at all, but let's be honest - your wedding is the one time where you're justified in being the center of attention and it's accepted that the day IS about the couple.

    Second, you want to marry this guy. And start a family unit with him. So who CARES what your mother thinks? You're devising a ridiculous number of "plans" to get her to accept him. You can only try so hard. If she hates him, you have to decide who's side your on - your mother's or your FI's. Because if your mom's feelings constantly come before your FI's, he won't stick around forever.

    Third, your mom will blow a gasket if you get engaged in front of her AND a bunch of other people. Should you show up at her house with a ring on your finger? YES. Then you can talk about privately. Doing it in front of a lot of people so she can't flip out isn't a good idea. It's just delaying the inevitable. Or how about you tell your parents (or have FI tell them) that you are planning to get married and will be picking out a ring soon? Then let them know what he proposes. Then go off and live your own life.
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  • edited December 2011
    Why can't you go to your mom's house with the bf and just sit her down and tell her you've discussed it thoroughly and want to get married... What does your mom have against him? Does she think he's too young? Is he still in school? Does he have kids from prior relationships? Is he a lot older than you?

    There are a million reasons our parents resist our choices in life. If your mom is misinformed or uninformed, I would simply, imform her of how wonderful he is by showing her. Nothing wrong with dropping by to surprise her with some cookies or a bottle of wine and saying let's spend some time together!

    I would have him propose to you aanywhere else other than a wedding. Even if you're friend is ok with it. There are a million other ways that could be just as special. Especially since just because you're at a table with your mom doesn't mean she couldn't flip out and start screaming and carrying on. There is no such thing as private in public.
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  • MidniteRaeMidniteRae member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_arranged-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:c8504c38-4345-4f6b-8271-cca4aafa95ddPost:ca2dfaa8-880f-4c13-be06-93c5798d737b">Re: Arranged proposal</a>:
    [QUOTE]I never thought it that way, really, my friend who is going to marry knows the whole story and he said it's a great idea. Also is not going to be something public, he would just ask me in our table, nothing that everybody has to know<strong>. I have considered why my mom doesn't like my boyfriend, beleive me, she doesnt have a good reason for that. </strong> I'm not asking for permission, I just don't want them to feel that I don't care at all what they think. So then, what you suggest me to do?
    Posted by Hylmarey[/QUOTE]
    So what ARE her reasons? If you aren't "asking" permission, then why feel the need to be proposed in front of her? It  sounds like a slap in the face...
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  • edited December 2011
    I'm curious to know why your mom doesn't like your bf

    You've gotten plenty of suggestions on what to do and all of them center around actually talking to your mother so you should probably start there.
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