How to deal with friends when you're "not engaged yet"

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-friends-not-engaged-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:cca8b44a-1871-4ac0-ae93-31336ef3e692Post:f4f0e87a-81bf-4a67-8d26-b6c191b8833d">Re: How to deal with friends when you're "not engaged yet"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to deal with friends when you're "not engaged yet" : <strong>Did she actually use that term?</strong>  If so, I missed it. JennOK - those kinds of statements have nothing to do with being engaged.  My BF and I often have "when we have kids ..." conversations.  That doesn't make me think we're engaged.  I'm not saying you think you're engaged, but maybe you shouldn't have those kinds of conversations in front of other people.  Those conversations are reserved between the two of us... in private. We're ALL excited to be in happy, committed relationships that we hope will turn into marriages.  We are.  But, once we came here, we realized that you can't put the cart before the horse and plan things that aren't in the works yet. To extend an analogy in a previous post, it's like preparing the entire nursery before you and your H have even discussed if you want children or not.  How shocked would your husband be if he came home to a furnished, decorated nursery and he didn't even know you wanted kids?  Let's all just chill the F*!&(#(*& out!!!!!
Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Nope.  Not exactly those words, but she did say specifically "nor are we officially engaged" which is thesaurus language in my book.  She's just trying to pretend she's not completely BSC.</div>

perkins81

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-friends-not-engaged-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:cca8b44a-1871-4ac0-ae93-31336ef3e692Post:2102328e-8040-4b33-aab7-7a04f6d05f11">Re: How to deal with friends when you're "not engaged yet"</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm just gonna say it: You're making this way to complicated.  You're either engaged or not.  Pick one and stick with it.
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]

LOL. I agree! I think the reason it's hard for me is b/c I'm stuck in the middle. I want to tell people we're engaged but he wants to wait until we have the ring. But it's not as if it's really a secret to people that we want to get married. It's just the "being engaged" part. So I'm trying to keep BF/FI happy but at the same time, I have to explain this complicated mess to my friends. I think it would be a lot easier if he just gets the ring very very soon so we can clear up this mess and move on! He's the one who keeps bringing up wedding plans and dates and all that, but I keep telling him that until YOU make things "official" and put a ring on my finger, then we don't need to talk about it.

perkins81

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-friends-not-engaged-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:cca8b44a-1871-4ac0-ae93-31336ef3e692Post:8fb3ae96-aad8-4355-8a83-7a4e24d9943b">Re: How to deal with friends when you're "not engaged yet"</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't get the whole "secret engagement" thing. Why be engaged just between the two of you? It just seems like it creates confusion and makes things harder. Just get engaged when you can go public with it. And don't plan until you're engaged, obv.
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

I agree. I guess at the end of it all, I now realize that I just need to talk to BF/FI about this and explain to him that he either needs to propose very very soon or otherwise we should not consider ourselves engaged b/c this is just a mess. I don't think he realizes how confusing this is to other people or that I'm caught in the middle of it all. I need to be more assertive and tell him to stop talking about the wedding, stop talking about the date, stop talking about the WP, stop talking about all of it! Until he buys me the ring or we decide to just announce our engagement to everyone.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-friends-not-engaged-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:cca8b44a-1871-4ac0-ae93-31336ef3e692Post:9b2397c6-b786-472b-b582-33ea9db3159d">Re: How to deal with friends when you're "not engaged yet"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to deal with friends when you're "not engaged yet" : LOL. I agree! I think the reason it's hard for me is b/c I'm stuck in the middle. I want to tell people we're engaged but he wants to wait until we have the ring. But it's not as if it's really a secret to people that we want to get married. It's just the "being engaged" part. So I'm trying to keep BF/FI happy but at the same time, I have to explain this complicated mess to my friends. I think it would be a lot easier if he just gets the ring very very soon so we can clear up this mess and move on! He's the one who keeps bringing up wedding plans and dates and all that, but I keep telling him that until YOU make things "official" and put a ring on my finger, then we don't need to talk about it.
Posted by perkins81[/QUOTE]

Here is what I think you should do - Go to your BF and tell him this: "I love you and I want to marry you but until you propose I don't want to think of us as engaged or plan a wedding. This is all way more complicated than it needs to be. Just because we aren't engaged doesn't mean we are any less committed so let's just be happy at this stage in our relationship and after you propose we can be happy we are engaged and tell people about it so they can be happy too"

perkins81

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-friends-not-engaged-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:cca8b44a-1871-4ac0-ae93-31336ef3e692Post:b74b6bc2-01f0-4261-800b-3c85e036c27a">Re: How to deal with friends when you're "not engaged yet"</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand. My BF and I are planning on getting married. We haven't set a date nor are we officially engaged yet. (He has the same thing about wanting to get the ring first.) When we talk, sometimes we'll bring up in conversation phrases like "after we get married" or "when we're married" -- things like that. We don't realize that it might confuse people until they ask, "so are you guys getting married." We always end up saying "yeah, eventually" or "we haven't set a date yet." My parents know that we are planning on getting married, and this isn't a good thing because they've told family and friends. Well, we're not  really ready to announce anything yet, so it's made for some awkward explanations. 
Posted by jennOK[/QUOTE]

Thanks for your response. I'm glad I'm not the only one dealing with this. I'm sure it would have been easier if we had just decided to wait until he got the ring before we started answering people's questions about our ideas for the wedding. It's so hard b/c all of our friends and family know we're planning to get married - it's just a matter of time. Why else would I have moved to his town? So some of our friends consider us engaged, but we haven't announced it and it's so hard to correct everything all the time. Oh well, things will clear up eventually :)

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-friends-not-engaged-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:cca8b44a-1871-4ac0-ae93-31336ef3e692Post:8aebeea9-bca1-4531-8901-dc6615b2fdfe">Re: How to deal with friends when you're "not engaged yet"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to deal with friends when you're "not engaged yet" : I agree. I guess at the end of it all, I now realize that I just need to talk to BF/FI about this and explain to him that he either needs to propose very very soon or otherwise we should not consider ourselves engaged b/c this is just a mess. I don't think he realizes how confusing this is to other people or that I'm caught in the middle of it all. I need to be more assertive and tell him to stop talking about the wedding, stop talking about the date, stop talking about the WP, stop talking about all of it! Until he buys me the ring or we decide to just announce our engagement to everyone.
Posted by perkins81[/QUOTE]

<div>I think doing this would make things simpler and less stressful. And you can just tell your friends, "Yes, we will probably get married down the road, but we are not engaged and we are not planning a wedding. We'll let you know when we are. Until then, I'd really prefer not to be questioned about it all the time, please." I think if you say this in a very calm way, and maybe repeat it a couple times as necessary, they will get the message and leave you alone. I would consider not being friends with someone if they didn't respect me when I established a very clear boundary like that.</div><div>
</div><div>Just remember there is no rush. Your relationship is YOURS, and the only timeline that matters is the timeline you and your BF are most comfortable with. Get married when the time is right for you, and try not to let other people sticking their noses into your business bother you. The people who care about you always want to know what's going on with you. So appreciate that, but don't let other people dictate how you feel about things. Set firm boundaries and stick to them. It is OKAY for some things to be private, and to politely but firmly let people know you won't be discussin certain topics or details with them.</div><div>
</div><div>GL with everything! Please feel free to stick around and join in our conversations! :)</div><div>
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loves2shop4shoes

I will never understand people's need to complicate the titles of their relationships to make it seem more official to them.  You're either single, dating, engaged, married, widowed, or divorced.  Pick one.  Stick with it.  FFS, if people in our society can't figure out something this simple, good luck with feeding the hungry and world peace.

ADTonk

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-friends-not-engaged-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:cca8b44a-1871-4ac0-ae93-31336ef3e692Post:7d340cfa-32a4-4f45-8d31-40f10533e6ab">Re: How to deal with friends when you're "not engaged yet"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to deal with friends when you're "not engaged yet" : Here is what I think you should do - Go to your BF and tell him this: "I love you and I want to marry you but until you propose I don't want to think of us as engaged or plan a wedding. This is all way more complicated than it needs to be. Just because we aren't engaged doesn't mean we are any less committed so let's just be happy at this stage in our relationship and after you propose we can be happy we are engaged and tell people about it so they can be happy too"
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

This. is. perfect.  Listen to Beth.  She's a smart cookie :)

BF and I both agree that we will get married.  We both agree that it'll probably be in the next year or 2.  We have agreed to this.  We are not engaged.  We talk about what our wedding will be like, sure. 

Bottom line is - if your BF doesn't want to tell people that you're engaged then you probably aren't engaged.  If he's planning a proposal with a ring, you're definitely not engaged.  Just slow down.

[Deleted User]

I think you might as well plan all you want in private, for yourself and him...and then when/if it happens throw a surprise wedding within a month and enjoy a huge surprise! on everyone! Hows that for secret!!

laceeseth

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_deal-friends-not-engaged-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:cca8b44a-1871-4ac0-ae93-31336ef3e692Post:b9a6f8f3-122d-4119-9d5c-800ee800a736">Re: How to deal with friends when you're "not engaged yet"</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a question for everyone here.  Why is it SUCH a big freakin' deal to be "completely and totally surprised" by the proposal??   Does it make it less special? Does it make it an invalid proposal if you know he's going to do it? Do you feel less happy?  If you answered yes to any of these, to you I say - grow the hell up. This isn't a fairy tale - this is real life and doesn't fit into those make-believe stereotypes Disney Princesses and the Wedding Industry peddle to you. Get your heads out of your arses.
Posted by cschiano[/QUOTE]

THANK YOU! I agree! I think it's fun talking about our future wedding plans, but we are not engaged yet. He hasn't asked me, but we have our date and he has even told his family the date. I have told mine as well. It is kinda fun sharing this with eachother. Of course the purposal will be a surprise, but I think it will be in the next 2 weeks. So it's not THAT much of a surprise. Thanks again for this though. :)