Untraditional Registries

Hazel_B

What do you ladies think?

I came across this article http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/family-and-relationships/cash-please-were-getting-married/article1924188/

One couple actually has on their website the instructions to deposit money directly into their bank account. 

I'm not sure what I think of all these different ideas. I have issues with honeymoon registries, but being able to contribute to someone's down payment doesn't bother me so much.

niknik15

We really want to do this. The most important thing to us right now is buying a house. My FBIL and his wife have a big storage unit they are renting out to keep all of the stuff they got from their wedding and are living with FSIL's parent's. I think that is messed up. A house should come before the junk.

bourgehm

Tacky!

But, that's my opinion.  Personally, it's pretty money-grabby to be like "money only! Here's my bank account number!" That just seems rude... I don't htink it's polite to ask for money. If you want money, then don't make a registry. People get the point. Or spread it work of mouth.

calindi

We plan to have a small registry with things we truly want, and then pass word-of-mouth that since we're tied to the military and will be moving a lot, we can't transport a lot of things.  I think most people will get the hint that money would be most appreciated, and those who want to buy gifts can get something off the registry.

I'm not personally opposed to honeymoon registries, especially if the couple does it right (i.e. actually buys what they say they'll buy with each 'gift' and take a picture of them doing it - eating dinner at the restaurant, doing the adventure activity, etc. - and send it to the person with the thank you note).  I've heard of people gifting massages on the registry, and when the couple comes back from their honeymoon, the guests ask, "How was the massage?" And the couple goes, "Uh... we didn't get one."  That feels wrong.

calindi

I actually like this article (er, advice column) a lot better:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/family-and-relationships/will-my-bridezilla-friends-think-im-cheap/article1186099/

[Deleted User]

I am not against unconventional registries, but as the gift-giver I do prefer to give something more tangible. I think you could probably register at a hardware store if you were interested in house repairs/re-models. You can do registries through many resorts now for your honeymoon and give the couple a snorkel trip or an upgraded room or something. These are things that are fun to give that you know will be more helpful to the couple than a blender...but it's not just money. Just giving a check can feel very impersonal to the giver.

I think many couples are either already living together or are marrying later in life...so many traditional registry items are not needed. I think these types of registries are a great way to give something that still feels thoughtful & personal, but will actually be appreciated and used. Not for everyone, but I do think it's a great way to go for some.

Elle1036

FI and I have always said that we want to register for a jet ski, pool table, large screen plasma, four-wheeler, etc.  We're joking, but in all honesty, I have a toaster oven and some pretty nice sheets already, so I don't think we'll be doing a traditional registry.  We plan to spread the word that we don't need/want gifts.  If we happen to get enough cash that we can buy one of the aforementioned toys, it won't be a huge tragedy.

heyimbren

I don't like down payment or HM registries, but for different reasons.

It isn't because they're untraditional, but because of how they work I guess. When I give a gift, I'm either going to give a gift off the registry (which I'm assuming the couple actually wants) or cash. If it's cash, they can do whatever they want with it. If that's a downpayment or a HM, I really don't care, but I don't like the idea of asking for money for a downpayment. In all honesty, I don't even love the idea of registries. I think if people don't want tangible gifts, then just don't register (or have a small one).

I do really like that both of the articles linked in here are from the Globe and Mail. That's my favourite newspaper.

oceana919

I'm sorry, call me judgemental or uppity, but I'd be seriously offended if someone asked me to deposit money straight into their bank account as a wedding gift. That just seems super gift-grabby to me.

My FI and I lived with each other before we got engaged, and we had a lot of stuff that you would normally register for. We ended up creating a registry that a) filled in the blanks of what things we didn't have, and b) consisted of upgrades (better sheets, new pots  & pans, etc.). This way, if we get them, great. If we don't, no worries. We've already gotten some of our "upgrade" selections and boy, I can't tell you how glad I am that we registered for them (even though, at the time, I was pretty insistent that we really didn't need them). I forgot what nonstick pots were like that are actually nonstick.

I wouldn't have a problem with a honeymoon registry if it was a bit more tangible (and there was proof that my gift actually got used), but the few weddings I've been to where this was the only option, I've just given them cash or a gift card. I'd rather give them that (knowing they can use it on whatever) than pay for a massage they may or may not get.

SKP82

I don't think these untraditional registries are gift-grabby.  I know I am going to buy a gift if I go to a wedding; I'm sure most people do.  Given that, I would MUCH rather give the couple something they want and need than something they registered for because they thought they should or had to.

When BF's sister got married, there wasn't anything on the registry we wanted to buy.  They had mentioned wanting a new couch, so we gave them cash.  I don't care if she put that money towards a couch or blew it on a nice dinner. 

BF and I have lived together for a year and a half and have everything we need and most everything we want.  I'm not going to go register for a Kitchen Aid mixer that I'll use once a year just to have a registry.

motoLyn

I don't find either of these things tacky, but then I come from a culture where money is the traditional gift at a wedding.  I had a few weddings that had a registry, some I bought gifts off the registry and some I just gave money.  I think it depends on the couple.  Some of them I knew they could use the money for better things and others I realized that it was better to buy something from their registry. 

[Deleted User]

I'm not sure that I like the idea of depositing money straight into their account - I'm like others have said, if I want to give them money for a gift, I'll just give them a check.

I had a friend last year do a HM registry.  There's was done really well.  It was a 2nd marriage for both of them and they were older.  They actually paid for the honeymoon itself, but their HM registry was a lot of little extras - it was so popular with their guests that they had requests to add more items. They had things like the massage (which they said they loved) and also things like a basket of fruit or a bottle of wine sent to their room - it was perfect for them.

FI & I have both been on our own for several years and even though we combined households, a lot of what we both had was either dollar store purchases (nothing wrong with that, but I have the opportunity to get "new and better quality") or really old.  We have a lot of upgrade items on our list (like Oceana, I am so happy we put some of those items on the list).  We also have a lot of "non-traditional items" on the list and have received several of those.  The funniest things was getting the new shower head from the 80 year old very proper lady and the media stix (it's 4 "towers" that hang up on the wall that hold a total of 60 DVDs - FI has a TON of DVDs that are just stacked in the corner right now) that we received from another 80 year old little old lady - I would have thought both of them would have gone with more traditional gifts.

[Deleted User]

I'm a little torn on the direct deposit thing. On the one hand I think it's a little tacky. I'd almost rather get a nice card and put a check inside. On the other hand though, I HATE writing check. I do all of my banking online and use my debit card (I'm not a cash-carrier)...so when I do write a check it's hard for me to remember if it's not cashed right away. Some couples wait quite a while to get to the checks...so I could see the direct deposit being a good option for someone like me.

IDK...

desertsun

The issue I have with this is that I feel like it's rude to dictate what/how people give a gift. When you have a registry, you give a variety of suggestions, which to me is different from just saying "Give us exactly this." KWIM?

I also feel like your guests are doing you an honor by simply being there for your wedding day, and EXPECTING anything else is not okay.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_untraditional-registries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ce8eef37-5dae-4e54-8c41-f50a0ff2074dPost:5707e88e-750a-40a5-aa00-72f013af62c9">Re: Untraditional Registries</a>:
[QUOTE]The issue I have with this is that I feel like it's rude to dictate what/how people give a gift. When you have a registry, you give a variety of suggestions, which to me is different from just saying "Give us exactly this." KWIM? I also feel like your guests are doing you an honor by simply being there for your wedding day, and EXPECTING anything else is not okay.
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

That's my logic as well.

My only real problem with a HM registry is: 1) it would really bother me to know that my money did not go to that massage the couple asked for and 2) it seems like a completely unnecessary middle step to me. When you register for HM stuff, you do not actually get a massage or a dinner, you just get a cheque for the amount donated. To me, that just seems silly. Why go to effort of selecting a HM registry only to receive a cheque? If you want to use wedding gift money for a dinner on your HM, then go for it! You can even tell people you did that if you want, but I don't think you need to "register" for it to accomplish the same outcome.

[Deleted User]

I think that some people asking for just money can make it tacky, and some can pull it off.  I understand how for some people, it would be good for them to just get money,

To each their own!

oceana919

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_untraditional-registries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ce8eef37-5dae-4e54-8c41-f50a0ff2074dPost:dd4fc193-ac50-4ff9-a6aa-ccffc5587265">Re: Untraditional Registries</a>:
[QUOTE]FI & I have both been on our own for several years and even though we combined households, a lot of what we both had was either dollar store purchases (nothing wrong with that, but I have the opportunity to get "new and better quality") or really old.  We have a lot of upgrade items on our list (like Oceana, I am so happy we put some of those items on the list).  Posted by AngieD&JoeD[/QUOTE]

We were the same way. Nearly everything I had in terms of dishes/kitchen gear was recycled from undergrad, and FI's things had been recycled from his first apartment nearly 10 years ago. Most of our stuff was well due for an upgrade or replacement. We've gotten some of our pots and pans, and some of our bakeware, and I honestly can't believe the difference.

We also registered for some stuff that we didn't think we'd get and did - I registered for an icing gun and tips kit for making cupcakes, thinking I wouldn't get it. Low and behold, a friend (thank you ana!) got it for me and good lord, that thing is awesome. I whipped out two dozen gourmet-looking cupcakes in 15 minutes last night, when normally piping by hand would take me close to an hour and would create a huge mess in the kitchen. Same goes for the cupcake carrier case (thank you ricky!) ...that thing is kickass.

calindi

Oceana, I just bought an icing gun for a friend from Pampered Chef as a shower present!  Glad you enjoy it - I hope she does!

oceana919

I've decided if my diabolical plan to take over the world actually comes to fruition, the first order of business is that every citizen gets an icing gun. Everyone needs an icing gun. Trust me.

heyimbren

I bought my sister a nice icing gun kit for Christmas along with her cake decoarating lessons. Best investment EVER.

jemmini6

I think the idea of HM and down payment registries are fine, but I'd be a little put off by a direct link to their bank account.  To me, that's when it becomes less of a suggestion/request and more of a demand.

Because giving cash is an impersonal gift, I think earmarking it for certain things makes it a little more involved for people.  FI's friends did a HM registry last year and had discover scuba on there, which is what we contributed to because we love diving and thought it was fun to be able to get involved in their start of diving as well.  Of course, we knew they just got a check, but I never once thought 'well I hope they actually use this for diving'. (if you have to question that, you should proabably rethink your friendship with that couple).

Of course, I think with any non-traditional registry, you should always have a small traditional one for people who aren't comfortable giving cash, etc.  By doing this, I don't think they are a demand for cash any more than a traditional registry is a demand for gifts...you are just putting out options for those who want to know what to get you...

musikbx

FI and I don't plan to register, since we are only inviting our nuclear family. Before we got engaged, I was thinking that it might be a good idea to register for a few items anyways, as I can think of a few people that will probably insist on giving us gifts. The idea was to only give it out if people insisted. We've lived together for five years in a tiny Manhattan apartment, so it seemed like a good idea to help avoid doubles or unnecessary items. Now that we're engaged and actually starting to make plans, I don't really feel comfortable with the idea anymore. I'm realizing that it really does come across as a bit "gift grabby." Almost like "No gifts... really, no gifts! *pause* OK, if you insist."

As far as insulting registries go, I actually had a friend send me a Facebook invite to her bridal shower which was masquerading as a "joint birthday party" for her & FI. As part of the facebook invite she had an explanation about how they can't really afford their wedding, so they were accepting donations via Paypal (link conveniently provided.) I'm not easily insulted, but this one did me over. I guess the part that put me over the edge was the fact that the shower was being held on the other side of the ocean. She must have known that I couldn't attend, but still sent me the invite on the chance that I would donate.