Not Engaged Yet

thoughts/prayers please

Hi ladies.  I know I haven't posted in a while, but I've been really busy with work lately.  But I had a really bad weekend this weekend and would love it if you could toss up some prayers/thoughts for me. 
MY BF and I went out with some friends on Saturday and we are in a small town and just so happened we were sitting at the same table as the maid of honor from his first wedding.  His ex and the girl don't talk anymore, she's actually still friends with my BF because of what his ex did. Anyways, I was a little taken aback when someone shared who was sitting across from me, but not mad or anything.  It's a little uncomfortable because they've been divorced for 6 years now and I'd like to get to a point where people know "us" as a couple and not "them". 
Well long story short, my BF feels I made a scene (I called the people we were there with and they don't feel like I did) but either way BF does and he broke up with me.  Asked me to move out of his house.
He told me he wasn't sad, he didn't love me and we should've never moved in together.  He says my insecurities/jealousy are too much and he can't take it.
I asked if we could compromise and I can just stay upstairs for a couple days and give him space and he said no.  My mom and dad live about 35 miles away, so my mom came and got me, I was too upset to drive, so I packed a random bag of clothes for work or what not and went to my folks'.  I didn't sleep at all and I haven't eaten.
He came home like 45 minutes after I did Saturday night and slept on the couch.  Every time I tried to talk to him he told me to leave him alone and that we were done.  He woke up around 10 on Sunday and said he was leaving and that I needed to have all my things gone by the time he got back.  I didn't do that, I waited for him to get home so we could talk but he still felt the same way when he got back around 3 in the afternoon.
We were supposed to go to Vegas next month.  We were looking at houses together and a car for me as I just sold mine and then bam, this. 
I just don't get it.  I am beside myself.  I look horrible.  I feel horrible and I don't know what to do. 
I want to give him space but I want to call or text him so badly.  I miss him so much already.  We haven't spent a night away from each other since we moved in together in September and I just can't handle this pain.
Thanks for letting me vent.

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Re: thoughts/prayers please

  • edited December 2011
    That sucks. I know how hard it is to break up. Right now there probably isn't much you can do to change the situation. Give him the time and space that he needs. If you were meant to be together, you'll get back together. And, its okay to grieve over a relationship. When I broke things off with my ex-FI, I felt horrible for weeks afterwards. But, I started going out with my girlfriends again and enjoying time with my friends and getting to know myself again. Now, looking back at the situation, it was for the best.
    ~~December 3, 2011~~
  • marleylikeairmarleylikeair member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Treb, I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm even sorrier to hear that he's being so insensitive about the whole thing (saying he wasn't sad and that you should have never moved in, then shutting off and not even agreeing to let you stay a couple days--wow--not cool).

    From what you posted, it doesn't even seem like you did anything so out of line. But you know what? Even if you *had* been a little nuts on one or two occasions, that's not enough cause to break up with you--that is, if the guy is in the thing for the long haul. I've had some nutty moments with my BF, and he hasn't liked them, but they didn't end the relationship. Far from it. So...WTF, dude?

    I know you must be hurting--a lot. I feel for you. I know what it feels like to have your heart literally hurt and even feel like it's screaming in pain. It's really, really tough, and it takes the utmost patience and courage to get through that pain. But you can do it.

    My advice is to try to distract yourself with work for now. Play a game--see how long you can go without thinking about him or what happened. It can actually be kind of a blessing to be able to go somewhere that's totally separate from your personal life and just be your kickass professional self.

    When and if you ever want suggestions for great, funny self-help books that have gotten me through all my breakups, let me know!

    Sending you a pantload of good thoughts and vibes. Good luck!

  • edited December 2011
    I am sorry to hear this, but I have to ask: what did you do that made him think you caused such a scene? 

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  • edited December 2011
    I would love the name of the books. 
    Thanks for your replies.
    What I did was sit at a table, with my purse on my lap fidgeting with the straps on my purse kind of staring off into space.  I didn't want to stare at the girl for fear she'd think I had some issue with her, which I don't.  And I wasn't really up to chatting about my BF s first wedding so I sipped my beer and sat there. 
    I just wanted a moment to collect my thoughts.  I wanted this to be a chance for people to see that he has moved on and is in a committed strong relationship now and things are good.  I  certianly didn't want it to ruin my night and sure as heck not my relationship.  According to him I was being rude to the people we were with. 
    I don't know what I'm going to do about his daughter.  She is 6 and I totally love her.  I just hope he needs a few days and is honestly thinking about all that he is doing. 
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  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Trebmal, I think Ember and Marley had some good suggestions about moving on and focusing on other things.

    I really hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think you need to stop dwelling on this relationship for a bit. Give him his space, and if it's over, then let it be over. It wasn't a very long relationship, so you can still pick yourself up off the ground, dust yourself off and move along to bigger and better things if that's what needs to happen.
  • Beads921Beads921 member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_thoughtsprayers-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:cf397509-cc45-45a4-8cf5-a62fbcb984cbPost:cc3215f8-3c44-4857-bdc8-16cbd895f208">Re: thoughts/prayers please</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am sorry to hear this, but I have to ask: what did you do that made him think you caused such a scene? 
    Posted by SeaTea02[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm curious as well. (Edit: Never mind. You most definitely DID NOT cause a scene by the sounds of it...) Not that it really changes anything. To me, it feels like he checked out of the relationship a while ago and was just looking for an excuse to end things. But, that's just my opinion, and I know it certainly doesn't make it any better. </div><div>
    </div><div>Break ups suck no matter what. And I'm horrified at how crappy he's treating you. So rude and insensitive - definitely not the kind of person you want to be with forever. I'm sure it doesn't feel like it right now, but things will improve. Keep yourself busy, feel free to cry, and try your damndest to keep your head up!</div>
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  • marleylikeairmarleylikeair member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_thoughtsprayers-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:cf397509-cc45-45a4-8cf5-a62fbcb984cbPost:a495b32b-9197-40fd-bf69-368a5a894aef">Re: thoughts/prayers please</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would love the name of the books.  Thanks for your replies.<strong> What I did was sit at a table, with my purse on my lap fidgeting with the straps on my purse kind of staring off into space.  I didn't want to stare at the girl for fear she'd think I had some issue with her, which I don't.  And I wasn't really up to chatting about my BF s first wedding so I sipped my beer and sat there.  I just wanted a moment to collect my thoughts.</strong>  I wanted this to be a chance for people to see that he has moved on and is in a committed strong relationship now and things are good.  I  certianly didn't want it to ruin my night and sure as heck not my relationship.  According to him I was being rude to the people we were with.  I don't know what I'm going to do about his daughter.  She is 6 and I totally love her.  I just hope he needs a few days and is honestly thinking about all that he is doing. 
    Posted by trebmal[/QUOTE]

    Wow. That doesn't seem so bad. I mean, were they seriously chatting about his first wedding? It would make me a little anxious, too, if my BF was letting that happen in front of me. I mean, sure, in hindsight, you could have just said something upbeat to veer the conversation away from that topic, but still--that's a little insensitive of them.

    As corny as it sounds, the books "He's Just Not That Into You" and the sequel "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" really helped me a lot. No self-help book is a cure-all, and I feel they should all be taken with a grain of salt, but these books are really funny and have a lot of truth to them. I'm also reading "Why Men Love Bitches." Which is actually not at all about being bitchy; it's just about owning your life, exuding confidence, and not putting up with BS from dudes. Also, there's a fantastic recipe in "It's Called a Breakup..." for something called "Crack Brownies." Trust me--you need to make them. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />
  • edited December 2011
    Not so much like a full on convo about the wedding itself, just what a not nice person she is/was and how no one even talks to her anymore and some of the stuff she'd done to BF. 
    I am willing to take responsibility for what I might've done, but I honestly don't feel like I did anything, least of all enough to end the entire relationship. 
    I just don't get it.  I'm stunned.  And humiliated. 
    I'm 31, only work part time, as of Saturday I don't have a car (I sold mine) and I live with my parents.  Wow, I'm a real winner. 
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  • marleylikeairmarleylikeair member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_thoughtsprayers-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:cf397509-cc45-45a4-8cf5-a62fbcb984cbPost:0213d264-ef66-49be-be78-525543340aaa">Re: thoughts/prayers please</a>:
    [QUOTE]Not so much like a full on convo about the wedding itself, just what a not nice person she is/was and how no one even talks to her anymore and some of the stuff she'd done to BF.  I am willing to take responsibility for what I might've done, but I honestly don't feel like I did anything, least of all enough to end the entire relationship.  I just don't get it.  I'm stunned.  And humiliated.  I'm 31, only work part time, as of Saturday I don't have a car (I sold mine) and I live with my parents.  Wow, I'm a real winner. 
    Posted by trebmal[/QUOTE]

    Aww! I know exactly what you mean. It's tough to have to go home to Mom & Dad. But you're lucky that you can. I hope they'll be supportive influences as you try to deal with this crappy situation. I also know what it's like to only work part-time and feel broke--ick. But hey--this'll be a great opportunity for you to regroup your professional life. Maybe beef up your resume and apply for some full-time jobs? Kick some butt in that area of your life. See your friends. Take some time to mourn, but get back out there in the world (if not the dating scene) as soon as you can.

    It does sound like you might have been being a little insecure, but again: NOT a reason for him to break up with you. That's just ridiculous.
  • edited December 2011
    It's going to take a while.  I know we weren't together long but he is it, the one.  And I didn't really believe that was possible until I met him.  I knew from the moment I'd met him he was different and special and I can see myself with him for the rest of my life.  I never planned on being with anyone ever again and he changed my world.  I slept in a chair in my parents' living room last night because I don't want to go to one of the bedrooms upstairs and sleep in the bed alone.  I want to be at least close to my mom and dad.  I just moved back to the area after having been gone for 13 ish years so I don't really have any friends out here.  The people I knew in high school are married and have kids so don't really have time for this "stuff", ya know?  Thanks for the replies. It really means a lot.
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  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_thoughtsprayers-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:cf397509-cc45-45a4-8cf5-a62fbcb984cbPost:f5d2dd57-6e40-4700-babb-604956c1f07b">Re: thoughts/prayers please</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's going to take a while. <strong> I know we weren't together long but he is it, the one.  And I didn't really believe that was possible until I met him.  I knew from the moment I'd met him he was different and special and I can see myself with him for the rest of my life.  I never planned on being with anyone ever again and he changed my world.</strong>  I slept in a chair in my parents' living room last night because I don't want to go to one of the bedrooms upstairs and sleep in the bed alone.  I want to be at least close to my mom and dad.  I just moved back to the area after having been gone for 13 ish years so I don't really have any friends out here.  The people I knew in high school are married and have kids so don't really have time for this "stuff", ya know?  Thanks for the replies. It really means a lot.
    Posted by trebmal[/QUOTE]

    I know it hurts a lot to say and think right now... but if he broke up with you over this, in such a cold way, then it doesn't sound like he is "the one" for you. I think a big part of this is (slowly if need be) coming to terms with that.
  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_thoughtsprayers-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:cf397509-cc45-45a4-8cf5-a62fbcb984cbPost:0213d264-ef66-49be-be78-525543340aaa">Re: thoughts/prayers please</a>:
    [QUOTE]Not so much like a full on convo about the wedding itself, just what a not nice person she is/was and how no one even talks to her anymore and some of the stuff she'd done to BF.  I am willing to take responsibility for what I might've done, but I honestly don't feel like I did anything, least of all enough to end the entire relationship.  I just don't get it.  I'm stunned.  And humiliated.  I'm 31, only work part time, as of Saturday I don't have a car (I sold mine) and I live with my parents.  Wow, I'm a real winner. 
    Posted by trebmal[/QUOTE]

    Hey, don't beat yourself up!  Now is not the time for picking at yourself.  In a few weeks to a few months, you'll be able to review the situation from a bit of an emotional distance and perhaps evaluate what mistakes you made in the relationship and how you can move forward.  But right now is the time to give yourself a good pat on the back, a nice pedicure, and remember that you deserve to be happy.  And you deserve someone who is going to be on your team always, who is going to take your best interests to heart, and who is going to be understanding and work through any issues that come up. Not someone who cuts and runs at the first chance - I feel that if someone can break things off that suddenly and finally, they were just looking for an excuse. 

    My BF has an ex-fiance, and his family HATES her - bashing her is one of their favorite past times.  And it's definitely an uncomfortable topic for me, because I don't want to bash someone I've never met but I've never heard anything positive about her, either.  So I always try to steer the conversation away from it, or just stay out of it all together.  And when stuck talking about her, I make the joke that it's nice that she set the bar so low for me, and everyone laughs. 

    I'm guessing a little more went on here that you're saying, and you probably didn't make a scene like he's accusing you, but you probably didn't react as well as you should have.  Who knows?  I can't say I blame you - it's natural to be a bit uncomfortable and a bit curious about the women who have been important in his life before you came around.  I think it's important to keep the jealousy and curiosity in check because, obviously, they aren't with them anymore for a reason.  But a little bit is totally understandable, especially being uncomfortable with a discussion about his ex.  And how he reacted based on your story is completely disproportionate with what happened - I don't know what's going on in his head, but I'd guess that he had started thinking of breaking up long before this incident.

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  • edited December 2011
    My mom said the same thing, bren, but the thing is, that it wasn't like him at all.  he'd never talked to me like that.  he'd never been hurtful or mean, I just don't know where it all came from. 
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  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_thoughtsprayers-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:cf397509-cc45-45a4-8cf5-a62fbcb984cbPost:5cb3358e-aab5-4de5-96fb-f2160b26511e">Re: thoughts/prayers please</a>:
    [QUOTE]My mom said the same thing, bren, but the thing is, that it wasn't like him at all.  he'd never talked to me like that.  he'd never been hurtful or mean, I just don't know where it all came from. 
    Posted by trebmal[/QUOTE]

    I understand being confused then. But regardless it DID happen.

    I've been the ex-GF who swore up and down that he was still "the one". I feel like a fool now for how I acted then, just because I wasn't being honest with myself and about the relationship. Now when I look back on it I am so grateful I moved on. I'm not saying you're in the same situation, or what your future may hold, but focus on where you are in the present right now.
  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Remember that you are the only person you have to look at in the mirror each day - YOU need to be your own priority!  I know you're really hurting, and you want things back the way they were, but even if he comes and apologizes and you get back together, you can't just sweep this under the rug.  You're going to have to make sure you're looking out for your own best interests today and tomorrow, not hoping for some joy that happened yesterday.

    Take care of yourself, okay?  Get some sleep.  Go on a weekend girls trip with your Mom or a friend to get away from everything.  Stop calling him and re-thinking everything.  Just take care of yourself!

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  • edited December 2011

    I'm sorry to hear about this.  I know there isn't anything we can do to make you feel better(I'm sure most of us have been there) but you really have to try to eat and get a little sleep.  It's an awful feeling I know and don't wish it upon anyone.  Hopefully you will find the strength to let him have his space.

    The next week or so will be the hardest but you will feel better day by day.  If he wants to come back to you he will, if he doesn't don't push it because it will just piss him off more and draw him even further away.

    Good luck and feel better.

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  • edited December 2011

    There's three sides to every story: yours, his and the truth... You see it one way, he sees it another... and in reality it's a combination of both versions... Regardless of what actually happened the end result is still the same.

    What you need to do is focus on getting yourself together. Don't beat yourself up over living with your parents. After my break-up I moved back with my father and spent 3 years devastated over it until I started dating my current BF and now I realize how much of my life I wasted being hurt, upset and most of all, waiting for ex to realize that he made a mistake.

    I could write a novel here about dealing with a break-up that you feel will be the death of you... but I'll spare everyone... If you need to talk or want any advice, PM me...

  • edited December 2011
    I spent 6 months living with my parents after a breakup. I had been living several states away and it was hard to move back home with my figurative tail between my legs.

    You'll be okay. Maybe you don't feel okay right now... but you're going to make it. Hang in there.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_thoughtsprayers-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:cf397509-cc45-45a4-8cf5-a62fbcb984cbPost:e53b5b8c-dbc1-4a86-a098-b5d2b6f0e640">Re: thoughts/prayers please</a>:
    [QUOTE]I spent 6 months living with my parents after a breakup. I had been living several states away and<strong> it was hard to move back home with my figurative tail between my legs. </strong>You'll be okay. Maybe you don't feel okay right now... but you're going to make it. Hang in there.
    Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

    That's the understatement of the century! lol  Talk about "tail between my legs"... My dad had kicked me out because I was with this guy in the first place... so moving back in with him after it all blew up in my face was like saying "Yes Dad you were right and I'm back where I started because I didn't listen to you..."  ughhh
  • edited December 2011

    I posted a couple weeks ago about a friend whose four-year relationship / one-year engagement was called off by her fiance. I am happy to report that after leaning pretty heavily on her friends in the beginning, she is back on her feet and knows that a guy who didn’t realize what he had when he had it wasn’t any guy she ever wanted in the first place. Call up your girlfriends and keep your schedule busy. They’ll help you get through this very difficult time.

  • hetshuphetshup member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Remember, if you really didn't make a scene and he still flipped out like that, you are better off now. You don't want to be with someone who would treat you like that. Count your blessing, take a few days and pull yourself up by your bootstraps.

    How is the job market there? Could you live with Mom and Dad while you get some savings? What about funds from the car sale? Could you get a new car?
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