Boyfriend's mom will hate him if we get married. Help!

alyssaweakland

Although my boyfriend and I are young, we are serious and deeply in love. His mother, who is not so lovey dovey, will disown him for getting married to me. We are waiting two years to get married in July and everything is planned out perfect. I feel as if I am being selfish, but I know I am not considering my boyfriend said as long as he is with me for the rest of his life he will be fine. I know she will say hurtful things to me and also to him, but right now I feel so confused because I love him dearly and don't want him to get hurt. I feel as if maybe he might call off the wedding until a later date because of this. I don't want to wait until after college because he has 5 more years left considering he is going to go to medical school. Please help.

lunarsongbird

How old are you? And are you engaged?

GreenPepperBurger

Why does his mother hate you so much?

lunarsongbird

My guess is because she's under 21 and his mother knows that getting married now would not be wise...

Am I right, am I right?

lunarsongbird

But they want to have hot sexes NOW, buggle. Geezee....

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-mom-will-hate-him-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:cf58e45e-dfde-4bf2-b386-5ce444836610Post:4e3b78c8-1b29-4598-adaf-fad1cc8c642d">Boyfriend's mom will hate him if we get married. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Although my boyfriend and I are young, we are serious and deeply in love. His mother, who is not so lovey dovey, will disown him for getting married to me. We are waiting two years to get married in July and everything is planned out perfect. I feel as if I am being selfish, but I know I am not considering my boyfriend said as long as he is with me for the rest of his life he will be fine. I know she will say hurtful things to me and also to him, but right now I feel so confused because I love him dearly and don't want him to get hurt. I feel as if maybe he might call off the wedding until a later date because of this. I don't want to wait until after college because he has 5 more years left considering he is going to go to medical school. Please help.
Posted by alyssaweakland[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>How long have you guys been together? Can you tell us more about the situation with his mom?</div><div>
</div><div>Personally, I feel like the smartest thing to do for almost anyone is to wait until both people are about 25 to tie the knot. The human brain is still developing until this age.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm glad to hear you're waiting two years to get married. It'll give you both time to really build a solid relationship before getting hitched. I've come to realize, and I know this is a generalization, that often, couples will have a better idea of what the relationship is going to be like after they've been together for about a year or year and a half. About the first 6-8 months or so are kind of a "honeymoon" phase. Everything feels so wonderful, and the everyday aspect of what your lives together will actually be, long-term, hasn't set in yet.</div><div>
</div><div>Just my opinions. Take 'em for what they're worth.</div><div>
</div><div>Edited for clarity.</div>

lunarsongbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-mom-will-hate-him-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:cf58e45e-dfde-4bf2-b386-5ce444836610Post:38e452d5-e6f9-4334-be61-597764713d13">Re: Boyfriend's mom will hate him if we get married. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]wait, you mean I'm not supposed to be having hot sexy time until AFTER I get hitched? Dangit...
Posted by buggle2[/QUOTE]

::gasp:: You HOAR! LOL.

No, but really- I promise to give some decent advice when the OP gives us some more details.

alanna91

There really, really isn't any rush to get married or engaged. His mother knows this, and that's probably why she's so upset.

If you two are meant to be together, why not wait?! If anything, waiting will let you work on your relationship that is probably at a very green stage right now and let you save money for the wedding.

BF and I have been together since my sophomore year in highschool and now I'm a junior in college. We're still not engaged, and that's fine by me. Because if you're meant to be together, you can wait until you grow up. Also, getting married during college may not be the best. It messes around with financial stuff and all that jazz.

Heck, if you wait until he's a doctor he'll have plenty of money for an engagement ring, wedding, and honeymoon.

Stick around the boards though. These ladies have great advice to give and have already taught me a lot.

alanna91

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-mom-will-hate-him-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:cf58e45e-dfde-4bf2-b386-5ce444836610Post:88014448-2c65-45f5-83e3-62bfad68c25a">Re: Boyfriend's mom will hate him if we get married. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]You do not need to prove to anybody how much you and your BF love each other by getting married.
Posted by buggle2[/QUOTE]

Second. Good advice, buggle.

jaycee7389

We need a little more info before we can help you. I don't really think there is a set age that makes you ready for marriage, but life experience definitely comes into play. I know plenty of 20 somethings who are NOT ready to be married, and plenty who are. If you are under the 21 mark, I think it's dumb just for the simple fact that you aren't even legally allowed to drink alcohol (if you're in the US of course).

What's the rush on getting married right now? If you can wait until you're a little older and more established maybe his mom will be more accepting.

alyssaweakland

I am turning 18 soon and I will be almost 22 when we get married. And the reason why his mother is going to be so upset because she hates men because she was mistreated by one. She thinks love is stupid honestly and she says it constantly. And I know there is no rush but considering my grandfather, who is very close to me, is getting older I do want him to attend the wedding. She reminds me of the mom in the movie 'Mosnter in Law" almost. It seems like she is out to get me. My mother even thinks she is a little nuts about what she says to me. I'm basically engaged to be engaged and I have a promise ring. And yes there is no limit at what age you can get married after 18 and love doesn't have an age limit. We have been through a lot together and have seen each other mature more and more. 

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-mom-will-hate-him-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:cf58e45e-dfde-4bf2-b386-5ce444836610Post:ca3b983e-dea5-40a8-9a5b-8f2d006f613d">Re: Boyfriend's mom will hate him if we get married. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am turning 18 soon and I will be almost 22 when we get married. And the reason why his mother is going to be so upset because she hates men because she was mistreated by one. She thinks love is stupid honestly and she says it constantly. And I know there is no rush but considering my grandfather, who is very close to me, is getting older I do want him to attend the wedding. She reminds me of the mom in the movie 'Mosnter in Law" almost. It seems like she is out to get me. My mother even thinks she is a little nuts about what she says to me.<strong> I'm basically engaged to be engaged and I have a promise ring.</strong> And yes there is no limit at what age you can get married after 18 and love doesn't have an age limit. We have been through a lot together and have seen each other mature more and more. 
Posted by alyssaweakland[/QUOTE]

<div>Ten thousand kittens were just slaughtered by the use of this phrase.  *headdesk*</div>

alanna91

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-mom-will-hate-him-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:cf58e45e-dfde-4bf2-b386-5ce444836610Post:ca3b983e-dea5-40a8-9a5b-8f2d006f613d">Re: Boyfriend's mom will hate him if we get married. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am turning 18 soon and I will be almost 22 when we get married.
Posted by alyssaweakland[/QUOTE]

You had originally said you were waiting two years and would be married in July.
Four years is a long engagement and while you can technically have any engagement length you want... that's a long one. Just reiterates that there's no rush to get engaged since you aren't planning on marrying for another four years. Four years is a really long time to plan a wedding. You could get a bachelor's degree in that time...

GreenPepperBurger

Maybe she doesn't want you to get married because you're 17 years old, and you use phrases like "engaged to be engaged" and crappy Jennifer Lopez movies as a frame of reference.

Sparrow87

You guys are just being great big meanie heads!  Can't you tell that they're in love!  That it doesn't actually matter what we or anyone else have to say she's going to marry her Prince Charming and have lots of babies and show the world that love is true; no matter what the cost.

Edit: Someone remind me to copyright that "love is true" line so I can use it to title a romance novel and get $$paid$$. 

alyssaweakland

I am going to marry him, we even have a wedding ring that was my mom's. We just want to wait to get engaged later and married two years afterwards. Things can change I know but I know we will still be together. Maybe the references I use or the words I use are stupid but that's how I see it. I'm really just asking for advice about how to tell his mom about our plans in the future. Not to be showered with comments on my wording or what I say. 

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-mom-will-hate-him-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:cf58e45e-dfde-4bf2-b386-5ce444836610Post:ca3b983e-dea5-40a8-9a5b-8f2d006f613d">Re: Boyfriend's mom will hate him if we get married. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am turning 18 soon and I will be almost 22 when we get married. And the reason why his mother is going to be so upset because she hates men because she was mistreated by one. She thinks love is stupid honestly and she says it constantly. And I know there is no rush but considering my grandfather, who is very close to me, is getting older I do want him to attend the wedding. She reminds me of the mom in the movie 'Mosnter in Law" almost. It seems like she is out to get me. My mother even thinks she is a little nuts about what she says to me. I'm basically engaged to be engaged and I have a promise ring. And yes there is no limit at what age you can get married after 18 and love doesn't have an age limit. We have been through a lot together and have seen each other mature more and more. 
Posted by alyssaweakland[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Okay--crazy FMIL on your hands. Bummer. My mom's kind of crazy, too. Has a HUGE chip on her shoulder about others being happy and in love. Sorry to hear it. Okay, so let's see.</div><div>
</div><div>As for your BF's mom, it's up to him to deal with her, generally. If you two want to get married, he'll just have to deal with it if she decides to take it badly. Somewhere deep down, I'm sure she does want her son to be with someone who's good for him, and eventually she'll (likely) come around. Heck, my grandmother's dad barely let my grandfather in the house when my grandparents were first married, and it took him 10 years to offer my grandfather something to drink. (Edit: not that I'm condoning this kind of behavior; just saying that no matter how bad it is, she'll probably eventually come around.)</div><div>
</div><div>This brings me to grandparents. I totally know how you feel. I adore my grandparents and want them to be there when I get hitched. But don't get engaged or married sooner because of them. It's really nice you want to make sure they see you walk down the aisle, but would they want you rushing this kind of decision or huge life change just for their benefit, truly? Seriously, do what I do, at age 27 and with grandparents who are 85, 82, and 92: keep your fingers crossed.</div><div>
</div><div>As for limits to when you can get married, you're right. After you've turned 18, you can do whatever you want. But we're saying that it may very well help for you to wait awhile longer. Heck, some people don't find The One until they're in their 30s, 40s, even longer. Or ever. You've got the guy; just try to enjoy where you are right now. I know--easier said than done, and waiting is hard and seems unnecessary. But seriously. When you're so young, the longer you wait, the better chance your marriage will have of surviving.</div><div>
</div><div>As for the engaged-to-be-engaged thing, you're going to find a lot of people on this board don't like the phrase. I don't have any objection if that's what you'd like to consider yourselves and you and your BF are on the same page about it. Just remember it isn't the same thing as engaged, and until you and your BF consider yourselves engaged, I advise being patient and not setting a wedding date or doing any planning. At worst, you can put yourself in a really tough spot; at best, you're likely to lose all that time you spent planning because a) you weren't in the moment with the place you and your BF were at the time and b) once you finally do get engaged, you're probably going to change a lot of the plans you made due to budget changes, snazzy new formalwear styles, family constraints, etc.</div><div>
</div><div>Another reason for waiting awhile is so you can further your education and/or find a job that will allow you to support yourself. Once you and your BF are married, won't you two need to support yourselves?</div><div>
</div><div>I hope this helps. Glad you and your BF are happy. I just hope you'll take things slowly and make decisions that will lead to your being happy, healthy, and self-sufficient in the long, long, long term.</div><div>
</div><div>Edited for clarity.</div>

Sparrow87

If you're going to stick around you should probably read the sticky threads at the top of the board, and this:

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_guide-ney-bylaws-dictionary

And for a piece of real advice, there's nothing to tell "FMIL" or anyone else for that matter, until you're *actually* engaged.  Saying something now will just create drama, and it sounds like you have no shortage of it in your life already. 

alyssaweakland

I know I don't know everything, considering no one is perfect and everyone is different. What might of been the bad choice for you, could be a good choice for me. We aren't really rushing considering we will be together for over 3 and a half years and most people do get married around then. There are people who get married young and are fine and there are people who are doomed from day one. I'm asking for how to approach his mother about us getting married. I know no one might not have that exact answer I want but I want something that can help a little bit more. 

GreenPepperBurger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-mom-will-hate-him-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:cf58e45e-dfde-4bf2-b386-5ce444836610Post:0c7cb5fb-fe8a-40a5-8e69-aabd6adb0795">Re: Boyfriend's mom will hate him if we get married. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I know I don't know everything, considering no one is perfect and everyone is different. What might of been the bad choice for you, could be a good choice for me. We aren't really rushing considering <strong>we will be together for over 3 and a half years</strong> and most people do get married around then. There are people who get married young and are fine and there are people who are doomed from day one. I'm asking for how to approach his mother about us getting married. I know no one might not have that exact answer I want but I want something that can help a little bit more. 
Posted by alyssaweakland[/QUOTE]

Wait...you've been together 3.5 years or you WILL be together 3.5 years by the time you get married? If it's the latter, then you sure as hell haven't been together that long and should SURE AS SHIIT slow down.

peekaboo2011

I'm going to tell you the exact same thing I told my 18 year old sister the other day when she was going on and on about her boyfriend.

Focus on your education.  Yes, he's cute, yes, it's sweet that you love each other, but it is NOT cute to throw away your entire life over some boy.  And that's all he is at this point in your life, no matter how "deeply in love" you are.

I thought I was in love at 17.  I was very sadly mistaken.  Go to school, get a degree and a job, and then think about getting married.

alyssaweakland

Ahhhhhh I just want some advice of how we should tell her. I'm stupid and crazy for "throwing away" my life. I will still get married when I am ready. It may seem like a stupid idea to you but to my family, boyfriend and I, it's not the biggest rush in the world. 

Sparrow87

I know there are a few ladies on here who did the get married young thing, and I hope they weigh in on this to help get a first person perspective. 

GreenPepperBurger

If you think you're mature enough to get married, then you can be mature enough to tell your SO's mother you're getting married without soliciting the advice of strangers.

Or, you can always go this route:

alyssaweakland

Isn't this what it is up for? To talk and help each other with weddings or anything? Maybe I will go up to her and say hey we are going to get married and like it or not it's going to happen, but I don't want her to take anything out on him.

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-mom-will-hate-him-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:cf58e45e-dfde-4bf2-b386-5ce444836610Post:0c7cb5fb-fe8a-40a5-8e69-aabd6adb0795">Re: Boyfriend's mom will hate him if we get married. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I know I don't know everything, considering no one is perfect and everyone is different. What might of been the bad choice for you, could be a good choice for me. We aren't really rushing considering we will be together for over 3 and a half years and most people do get married around then. There are people who get married young and are fine and there are people who are doomed from day one. I'm asking for how to approach his mother about us getting married. I know no one might not have that exact answer I want but I want something that can help a little bit more. 
Posted by alyssaweakland[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Okay, since I've already posted some advice on various things you mentioned, I'll go more into detail on what I think about the BF's mom situation. (For more on this, see my previous, super-long post.)</div><div>
</div><div>Okay. At this stage in your relationship and at the age you are, I think it would be best to start by trying to listen to BF's mom's concerns and have an open, honest, calm conversation with her. Let her tell you everything she's worried about before you give your views. If she really is as crazy and toxic as you say, that sucks, and I'm sorry--I really am. But maybe she's just worried because you're 17, and she's not dealing with it in the healthiest way. If you want to be with your BF for the rest of your life, his mom is going to be part of your life for a long time. So before you write her off, give her a shot. Try as hard as you can to establish a good relationship with her. Try several times.</div><div>
</div><div>That's where I'd start. I would love for you to do this and come back and let us know how it goes.</div><div>
</div>

alyssaweakland

I have tried to be on good terms with her and he always tells her to apologize to me and when she does it is a short worded text that says "im sorry....". I know she is jealous because he has another woman in his life but people do grow up and I know im not a mother and dont understand but i dont get why taking it out on me will make him stay because it just pushes him away even more.

Sparrow87

I'd just like to preface this by saying: listen to Marley she has good advice. 

Now I guess I missed something, because I still don't understand, are you asking us for advice on how to tell her you're getting married but you have not yet become engaged?  If this is the case you have what I commonly refer to as a "non-problem."  Don't stress about telling her news that isn't news yet. 

alyssaweakland

I can say we are engaged, we just haven't put a ring on my finger that we have because we haven't told her yet and don't want her to flip out on us both. 

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-mom-will-hate-him-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:cf58e45e-dfde-4bf2-b386-5ce444836610Post:ddeeadeb-d1d5-41d5-926d-5347b31ac85a">Re: Boyfriend's mom will hate him if we get married. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I have tried to be on good terms with her and he always tells her to apologize to me and when she does it is a short worded text that says "im sorry....". I know she is jealous because he has another woman in his life but people do grow up and I know im not a mother and dont understand but i dont get why taking it out on me will make him stay because it just pushes him away even more.
Posted by alyssaweakland[/QUOTE]

<div>Has it ever occurred to you to just let it go?  Let her speak her mind, tell her you respect her opinion, but you feel differently, and move on.  Your entire life does not revolve around her.</div><div>
</div><div>And this is why I maintain that you should not be thinking about marriage.  If you go to college (before you get married), get some life experience and live in a dorm, you'll be able to handle her much better than you do now.</div><div>
</div><div>My FI and I started dating when I was 18 and he was 23.  He just turned 27.  I'll be 22 this year.  If we had gotten married two years ago, you can bet your buttons we'd be divorced by now.  He'll be 29 when we get married, I'll be 24.  We have been through a crap ton, as most of the girls here will tell you, even just since we got engaged.  But if I had skipped out on college, I would never be able to handle his family.  I thought mine was dysfunctional.</div><div>
</div><div>My point here is that you deal with shiit in college when you're living out of your parents' house.  You deal with shitty roommates, you deal with emergency situations, you deal with a whole crapton of stuff that high school never prepared you for.  And once you've been through that, you have a completely different perspective on the world.</div>

leia1979

OP, you're 17 and your BF is 21? (You said he has five years left of school including medical school.) Your BF's mom probably wants him to focus on school. I really can't imagine she'd be happy if he wants to marry a 17-year old (not to mention if you are 17 and 21, he could be reported to the cops in some states).

Getting into med school is not easy, and he will quite likely have to go away for school, assuming he gets in. Then, in 3rd year, he'll start moving around as he does rotations at various hospitals around the country.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-mom-will-hate-him-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:cf58e45e-dfde-4bf2-b386-5ce444836610Post:dad228a1-54b0-4971-9482-832eda16372e">Re: Boyfriend's mom will hate him if we get married. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]...Heck, if you wait until he's a doctor he'll have plenty of money for an engagement ring, wedding, and honeymoon. :)...
Posted by alanna91[/QUOTE]
Actually, if he's anything like my friend who just finished residency, he'll be $100K+ in debt.