NWR.. kids, values, etc.. Feminism?

imJacksPGbelly

So, I have a question for all of you ladies:  Would you rate yourselves feminist, and are you okay with where you stand?  And how do you plan on teaching your values about this, specifically, to your future/current children?  Is your SO on board with it?

I never used to be feminist.  I was raised in a very traditional home, and believed traditional male/female roles/values, etc.  Then after a horrible first marriage to a guy whose family are all extremely sexist and sometimes misogynistic (I should have seen this as a red-flad, but never would have guessed it of my ex, till after we were married), I have become quite feminist.  And I'm finally okay with it.  I feel like sometimes men say "feminist" as an insult, as though it means a girl is like a drill sergeant.  But I've realized that I really don't care anymore, how it's perceived; and I've realized that I have my own way of being feminist:  I LOVE taking care of people and doing things for people, etc etc..   but I expect to be appreciated for it, not that it's "a given, b/c I'm the woman of the house."

This has become a passion.. almost an obsession for me, especially considering how to teach my values to my son.  He's 5 now, and after a lot of research, plus my own child development studies in school, I know he's about to go through a 3-ish year period of really identifying strongly with his dad.  And I'm absolutely terrified that my son will become his dad.  My ex told me that when he was 7 or 8, his mom was bawling one day, so he asked what was wrong.  She was crying so hard she could hardly talk, but finally managed to get out, "Just promise me that you won't treat your wife like this, when you get married."  He promised her, but I don't think he even realized what the problem was.  20 years later, and he WAS his dad.  We had the same relationship, but I decided I couldn't stay in it. 

So how do I teach my 5 year old to treat women differently?  Especially with a horrible example from his dad/grandfather/etc.?  He and I talk about a LOT, but I already see little things that are mirror images of the ex-- like if I'm asking my son to do something, he'll just tune me out.  Like he'll sit there as though he's listening, instead of running off, but then he'll tune me out, and have no idea what I'm saying.  He used to tell me things like, "My dad said, 'when your mom says something really stupid, just say "Move to Mars, would ya?"'"  and thinks it's funny, until I explain to him what it means.

I am struggling with ways to teach my values to my son, about how important it is to see and treat women as equals, and to value them, and be willing to let a woman be empowered, but ALSO do nice things for her, like opening doors.  I feel like it's really difficult also because society still hasn't fully caught up with it, especially where I live (Utah).  There is a strong expectation for subservient docile, "accomplished" women here. 

One thing I absolutely LOVE about BF, is that he's on board with my ideas of women-empowerment, and actually wants me to help instill those values in his 8yr old daughter who is being taught the other way by some influences in society here, as well as most of his ex's family.

I'm just struggling with this.  It's one of those things that I have a feeling will give me lots of gray hairs before long.  I watch my son while he sleeps, and feel terrified that he'll turn into his dad and treat a woman like his dad did me, and then be unhappy in the long-run.  So how do I counter the example he's going to get during the next 3 years of strongly identifying with his same-gender parent?

calindi

I'm a feminist, and I own the word.  I don't think it means you need to be any of the negative stereotypes, or even the "women are better than men" or even "women can do everything men can do".  I think the true meaning of the word is to believe in the strength of women, understand the potential for females in our society is limited based on gender stereotypes, and the ability to choose your own destiny.

I want to be a SAHM.  Yet I'm still a feminist.  I very much disagree with anyone who thinks those things are contradictory.  I believe fully that women are just as capable (if not more capable in some circumstances) then men to lead our country, be senior executives in Fortune 500 companies, successful lawyers and doctors, and it enfuriates me that strong women are instantaneously viewed as bitches.  But at the same token, I dislike when women justify being bitchy as "leveling the playing field".  We all have our unique strengths and weaknesses - will the average woman be able to bench lift more than the average man?  Nope, and so there are things that men are more physically built to do.

Anyway, I feel like you just teach kids that everyone has their own strengths, everyone has their own weaknesses, but no one is better or worse than someone else.  That goes for gender, race, sexual orientation, who can climb to the top of the rope in gym class, etc.  It's just part and parcel of teaching a child that they should not judge people on an identifying characteristic, but rather be aware that everyone is an individual.

Elle1036

Please feel free to skip the first three boring paragraphs and go straight to the last one.

When I was younger (late teens, early twenties), I was a pretty militant feminist, to the point where I almost looked for excuses to feel discriminated against based on my gender.  I refused to let guys open doors for me, swore I was never going to get married, etc.  Now, I've eased up some and I'm pretty comfortable with where I am.

I've learned that embracing my femininity and the things that come with it doesn't have to mean admitting any kind of weakness or inferiority, as long as I put the right people in my life.  My first boyfriend, for example, could not handle the fact that I was more intelligent than he.  It never bothered me at all, but he went to great lengths to demonstrate his superiority over me in any way he could.  Looking back on it, it was borderline emotionally abusive, though I didn't really see it at the time.

When I met BF, who doesn't merely accept but rather LOVES the fact that I'm smart, I started thinking that marriage wouldn't be so bad after all, and I can still represent my feminist values in my wedding.  I won't be taking BFs last name, for example, nor will I have my father walk me down the aisle.  BF also knows that he is not allowed to ask my parents before proposing.  Little things like that.

Dang, I just wrote a freakin' book on your thread.  Anyway, as far as teaching your values to your son, I think the biggest thing you can do is lead by example.  Make sure that he has plenty of time to see you and your BF interacting in a way that is respectful and productive.  If you're worried about him "becoming his father", know what characteristics you don't want him to develop and be on the lookout for those.

calindi

Elle, I like you more and more each time you post. 

Though I will likely take my BF's last name, it's a personal choice.  And one I certainly struggled with and will likely struggle with again as it becomes an actual decision rather than a hypothetical.  For me, I want us both to have the same last name so our children can have the same name as both their parents.  We've talked about it, and if he wasn't in the military we might have done something like both hyphenating our names or even making up a unique name to use just the two of us.  But honestly, it would only cause him a lot of harrassment in his chosen field and ultimately not worth it.

I also don't want my father to hand me off to my boyfriend like chattel.  So I've always said I want both my mother AND father to walk me down the aisle, hug and kiss, and then sit down.  I'll walk the last bit up by myself.  It's symbolic in some ways of my life - my parents raised me most of my life, and then I spent a few years on my own before I joined my BF.  If he were closer with his parents, it would be nice to have them walk him up first.  But he doesn't like that idea, so whatevs.

HeartOverMind

I'm definitely not a feminist.. I think most women are bad drivers and I think our country is probably better run by men, although if there was a pretty cool lady out there who was running for President (and the other candidates sucked) and we shared the most important issues, then I'd vote for her. I also don't understand why some women won't take their husbands last name.

But I do believe that men and women should be treated equally...just because I think that the country is probably better run by men doesn't mean that I think women shouldn't try to beat men. I just feel that women are too emotional and sometimes we are unable to think without emotion.

I will raise my children to respect other people and love people. No matter the difference. If I have sons, I will stress that women should be treated with respect and NO hitting and that they aren't better than girls. Daughters, I would stress that being a girl isn't a something that needs to be overcome because she is just as able as the boys are.

jemmini6

The problem I see with what your exMIL did was say "Just promise me that you won't treat your wife like this, when you get married."  That's too broad for a child to grasp.  You need to use positive reinforcement and teach him what he SHOULD do, not just what he SHOULDN'T do.  Then you also need to lead by example, show him that women are strong, capable and independent and EQUAL.  Correct him and take the time to explain things if he ever starts putting girls down, etc.  Have him play with both girls and boys to reinforce the idea that they are equals and that they need to be treated the same (although you need to tread lightly on the subject that girls don't like to play as rough as boys sometimes).  This might be a good lead into the conversation of treating everyone with respect and obeying each individuals limits, not just girls. Etc.  At the same time though, you should still teach him a bit of chivalry, but explain that it's not because women need to be taken care of or can't do it themselves, but just that it's polite, like opening doors, etc.

Sorry to sound like I'm trying to parent your child or anything, it's just advice that I've given to my sister recently.  She is divorcing her verbally and emotionally abusive husband and doesn't want her adorable little boy to turn out like him.  She is trying to teach him early that just because daddy talks and acts like that, doesn't mean it's right.

loves2shop4shoes

I don't like to assign labels to what I am.  I am a very strong woman, a very strong personality, and a confident person.  In many people's minds, that automatically translates to arrogant bitch.  I refuse to change the way I am to accommodate the ignorant or the insecure.  I'm a very good, kind, honest person, and anyone that bothered to take the time to get to know me would automatically realize this.

As far as feminism itself goes, I think ALL people should be viewed equally and people should eliminate stereotypes wherever possible and evaluate the PERSON.  Black, white, purple, orange, penis, no penis, gay, lesbian, transgender, asexual, WHATEVER...we're all just people trying to live our lives and figure out how the hell we're gunna pay for our kids to go to college.  Each person has his or her own strengths and weaknesses.  There should be no prescribed roles because someone has a penis or doesn't.

FI wants to be a SAHD and I fully support that.  I think he would be an amazing SAHD and anyone that would give that the side eye is ignorant and not worth my time.

ETA:  I will also take FI's last name.  Not because I'm the "little woman" but because I hate my last name.  No one ever spells or pronounces it correctly.  FI's last name is a lot easier to pronounce.

Also, I will raise my children to respect ALL people and to be strong, confident, capable people regardless of their gender.

KatyRoseM

I wouldn't say i'm a feminist, mostly because I dislike most feminist literature and philosophy.  I'm a person, so is Fi, we each have things we like and dislike, like all people.  I don't want to be a SAHM because I wouldn't be good at it and am scared that it would not be enough for me, that is I wouldn't have enough adults in my life to balance out the time I spent focued on kids.  Fi would be a great SAHD.  Its about individuals. 

My big problem with feminism is that it focuses so much on women.  Men can also be what they want, men also have rights that are trampled.  I have been taking classes in sexuality in law this semester, and everything focuses on how it impacts women, but what about the men?  Reproductive law impacts men, family law impacts men, but we don't look at that, only at how it impacts women.  This is creating problems in our society. 

Yes women have been put down in the past, however in overcoming that we should be concerned with how it impacts men.  At the moment its ok for little girls to play sports, but have you son take ballet?  not so much.  To me this is an extreme problem. 

As for kids, I don't have any, but I imagine examples are the best way to teach them.  Kids learn by being like their parents, and talking can't make that change.  However, if his dad is one way, your BF can influence his view by acting differently.  Also, if he will not respect or listen to you, won't say please and thank you or things like that you should punish him, it will show him what is acceptable to you and society.  However, not having kids my opinions may be very flawed, so I hope that helped and that my thoughts made sense. 

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_nwr-kids-values-etc-feminism?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:cfe54e6f-b4bd-4f40-8bef-fd4b7362ae31Post:119102c4-89cd-4748-a65d-5fc04aa0b88b">Re: NWR.. kids, values, etc.. Feminism?</a>:
[QUOTE]Elle, I like you more and more each time you post.  Though I will likely take my BF's last name, it's a personal choice.  And one I certainly struggled with and will likely struggle with again as it becomes an actual decision rather than a hypothetical.  For me, I want us both to have the same last name so our children can have the same name as both their parents.  We've talked about it, and if he wasn't in the military we might have done something like both hyphenating our names or even making up a unique name to use just the two of us.  But honestly, it would only cause him a lot of harrassment in his chosen field and ultimately not worth it. I also don't want my father to hand me off to my boyfriend like chattel.  So I've always said I want both my mother AND father to walk me down the aisle, hug and kiss, and then sit down.  I'll walk the last bit up by myself.  It's symbolic in some ways of my life - my parents raised me most of my life, and then I spent a few years on my own before I joined my BF.  If he were closer with his parents, it would be nice to have them walk him up first.  But he doesn't like that idea, so whatevs.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

Aw, thanks!

Honestly, I struggle with the last name thing sometimes, too.  We're not sure right now whether we ever want children, so I figure we'll cross this bridge if/when we come to it, but it would be hard for me to have children who don't share my name.  If BF would agree to it, I would do a hyphenation or a hybrid, but he's not too into it.  I still have time to work on him, though.

I plan either to walk myself down the aisle, or to walk halfway with both of my parents and finish it by myself (I think that's actually the Jewish tradition, if I remember right, but I like it).  I'll decide when I get closer to that.

HOM -- My name (first, middle, and last) is who I am.  My parents gave it to me, I grew up with it, it's part of me.  I understand that a marriage is a start of a new family and, in some ways, a new identity, and I like the idea of sharing a name with BF to represent this.  However, I'm not abandoning my family and joining his.  It's a merger, not an acquisition.  I wouldn't expect him to completely change his name, nor will I completely change mine.

KatyRoseM

I like your views on names, though I don't agree personally.  Its very well though out.  I also like your plan for walking down the aisle Cate, thats beautiful. 

I will say I never thought of many of the traditions that people find objectionable in the same way others did.  Walking down the aisle is not sexist in my opinion, but perhaps thats because in Jewish weddings both bride and groom are walked in by both parents.  Same with the name thing, its becoming a family name, its not subsuming identity.  I've also never thought of a last name as mine exactly, its the group part of a name. 

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_nwr-kids-values-etc-feminism?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:cfe54e6f-b4bd-4f40-8bef-fd4b7362ae31Post:1bf30ea4-b4c0-4e2a-9d7c-1f5633d59c50">Re: NWR.. kids, values, etc.. Feminism?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR.. kids, values, etc.. Feminism? :  It's a merger, not an acquisition.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

This sums up how I feel about name changes pretty much, and to be honest it reflects on how I feel about feminism.  I disagree with a lot of feminists, because I feel like (literature, philosophy, and propaganada) all support women ahead of men.  As Katy mentioned, letting little girls play sports but not have little boys in ballet.  My macho boyfriend has totally said he'd be okay with having a gay child, and would support our child taking any activity they wanted to try, whether it be basketball, ballet, painting, or karate.  I couldn't co-parent with someone who didn't believe that.

I'd say I was an "equalist" but to be honest, we're NOT equal, and I think that's part of what I dislike about the feminist movement.  It honestly makes me sad when someone says they're not a feminist because I feel like the root of being a feminist is believing that women are capable of living out their dreams JUST AS MUCH as men.  Where the movement goes wrong is that women are MORE entitled to live out their dreams, which I disagree with.  Are men typically physically stronger?  Yep.  Are women typically more compassionate?  Yep.  Does that mean every man is stronger than every woman, and every woman is more compassionate than every man?  Absolutely not.  But there are some things we are more naturally suited for based on our genders, though that should never limit us from being treated as equals in the working or political arena.

KatyRoseM

Cate, I really agree with the vast majority of what you've said here.  I feel that feminism jumped off the track somewhere, and I just can't support what it is anymore.  (or at any point in my lifetime, I would have supported it back when it was what I agree with).  I suppose I just don't think feminism is about women being able to live their dreams anymore, it should be, but it isn't. 

As for the name thing, I don't think a last name is personal.  Its a family name, so its not my name, its my family name.  When we get married we talked about what our family name should be and why.  I'm taking his name because his family would be so hurt if he changed it, where as mine is still my blood family even without the name.  I will be using it as a middle name and maybe a middle name for a kid as well, but thats just me saying f you to the people who tried to destroy my family.  Anyway, I just think of names differently, if its a family name and we are a family it seems we should have the same name. 

imJacksPGbelly

Elle, Cate, and L2S4S,  I am completely NOT surprised to find out that I agree with you a LOT.   KatyRose, I don't know you on here, but if you are like-minded, then I agree with you as well. 

Jemini, thanks for the input and advice. Didn't feel like you trying to parent my child.  I am open to input on this.   It's a scary thought, and it sounds like you've seen some of it up close as well if your sister is going through the same thing.  "She is trying to teach him early that just because daddy talks and acts like that, doesn't mean it's right."  THIS.  This is sooo incredibly difficult to teach, and especially at an age when boys want so badly to identify with their same-gender parent.  But I feel like it's "do-or-die" time.. that if I don't somehow stall that identification now, before he's 8-9 that the damage will already be done. 


Cate, a lot of what you have said is soooo similar/specific to how I feel, that it's actually surprising to think of someone seeing it the same as I do.  When I call myself feminist, I say it in the way that I mean it, where women have every right to be powerful in their femininity.  I like cooking, cleaning (sometimes), giving BF massages, sewing, etc.  BUT, I also like to play RPGs and RTSs, and I also like to play in the dirt and build things, and dissect electronics.  And I also want the right to become further educated and speak my mind.  And I want the right to be entitled to my feelings even if a man feels that I'm being emotional, where he would be logical. 

I don't feel like I need to be rough and MORE than a man.  I want to feel like I can be ME, but that it is not perceived to be any less valuable than what a man would have to offer by who he is.  So when I say I'm feminist, that's how I mean it.

And I LOVE the idea of walking down the aisle with both parents, and then the last bit on my own.  Some very beautiful symbolism.  I've not known how I would handle it w/ the wedding stuff b/c this will be my parents' very first "traditional" wedding.  Out of 10 kids, even my prior marriage was a mormon/LDS temple ceremony, which does not have any of the trappings of a traditional wedding.  So, I've thought about what my dad would think about walking me down the aisle (they're still sad, a little, that I've chosen to leave the LDS church and be religiously independent).  But I've been hesitant about it as well.  I love the idea, so much more, of both parents walking me down the aisle, especially after how involved they've both been, in getting me through my divorce and custody battle.

As far as names.. I don't know.  I still haven't done everythign to go back to my maiden name, but will soon, and I introduce myself by my maiden name.  BF has asked me if I wanted to take his name or not.  I love that he asked, and didn't just assume I would.  I feel like it's a sign of his recognition and respect for my choice. I may still take his name though.  Especially if we ended up having a child together.  I feel the sense of it being a "family name", and so I can choose to identify my name as part of his family, if I want, or keeping my family name if i want.  But, I may take his name. Already,  my son and I will have diff. last names when I go back to maiden.  It'd be 3 different last names in one family..  BF, mine, son's..  so, we'll see.  It also becomes more of a choice as it becomes "real", not hypothetical, like someone said.

Elle1036

To me, feminism means owning femininity instead of fearing it, eschewing it, or allowing it to limit me.  Being a woman comes with some inherent power, but many "feminists" don't use it because they deny anything gender specific.  What Cate said is right on, though.  Males and females are different and have associated strengths and weaknesses that have nothing to do with superiority.  I may not be as strong as the average man, but I'm at least as smart, and I look way better in a skirt. 

The feminist movement definitely overcompensated, and it was when I started realizing that that I eased up on my own feminazi habits. 

Blue & White

I agree with OP that "feminist" has kinda a negative connotation. 

However, I think that when I'm teaching values to my children (sometime after they're conceived, I'd imagine...they're not really a thought right now) I want them to know that everyone is created equal - male, female, homosexual, heterosexual, purple, green, black, white, yellow, missing an arm, unable to walk, deaf, blind...etc.

And that will be my main goal.  I can't stand the amount of hate floating around in society. 

I recommend setting a good example though.  I believe a LOT of what my parents believe.

bethsmiles

I think that in a lot of cases feminism has gone too far. I believe 100% that women are equal to men but I feel like feminism today has gotten a little out of control and a lot of feminists that I know (I know not all are like this) tend to be very disrespectful of the male gender and are sexist themselves and I don't think that's what feminism should be about.

Personally I like the idea of typical gender roles, I don't think they work for every relationship or family but I would be fine with being a SAHM while BF brought in the money. And something that upsets me with feminism today is that so many women act like there is something wrong with that when feminism should really just be about women being able to live their lives they way they want and that no prejudices should keep them from their dreams/goals whether that means being CEO of a company or being a SAHM.

I will definitely being changing my name when I marry BF. I don't think my name defines me as a person in any way. I want BF to ask my dad for his blessing and I'm going to have my dad walk me down the aisle because I love my dad and I've always been a daddy's girl. Am I capable of making this decision without him? yes, but if he was against the marriage that would be a huge red flag to me and I would seriously reevaluate the relationship.

As for when I have kids, that is so far off in the future its really hard to know. But I know that my BF and I will support our children in whatever they decide to do. We will encourage them to have dreams and to work hard to achieve them.

KatyRoseM

On a side note, what part of Utah are you from?  How has that impacted your opinions on this issue?  I grew up there and might be moving back, so its interesting to see how others viewed Utah. 

leia1979

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_nwr-kids-values-etc-feminism?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:cfe54e6f-b4bd-4f40-8bef-fd4b7362ae31Post:221a68e5-5aa9-4b32-90e7-59a8b49a6aab">Re: NWR.. kids, values, etc.. Feminism?</a>:
[QUOTE]... When I met BF, who doesn't merely accept but rather LOVES the fact that I'm smart, I started thinking that marriage wouldn't be so bad after all, and I can still represent my feminist values in my wedding.  I won't be taking BFs last name, for example, nor will I have my father walk me down the aisle.  BF also knows that he is not allowed to ask my parents before proposing.  ...
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

It's like we're twins!

I would consider myself feminist in the sense that I believe men and women are equal. I won't be taking FI's last name. Why should I? I've had the same name for 30 years. I also didn't want to have anyone walk me down the aisle, but I believe we've come to a compromise: I'll let both parents accompany me if FI's parents accompany him.

I also hate that people expect me to like/want children because I'm female. It's apparently socially acceptable for men to not like or want children, but not for women. Apparently my only goal in life should be to serve as a living incubator. No thanks!  (Yes, I'm exaggerating, but the attitude really pisses me off.)

At any rate, I believe one should teach by example. Show your child that you give and deserve respect. You will have a challenge in that he will also be given some poor examples, and I don't have any good suggestions on how to counteract that.

ETA: I think misogyny has become kind of "hip" on the internet. Places like Digg are rank with it. Many guys seem to think it's funny. Sure, it can be funny in small doses, but when I start to see it all the time, I start to wonder if it's no longer a joke. For example, any story on marriage or divorce will generate a comment to the effect of "Why should men get married? They're just going to have to give a woman 50% of what they have." Really? A lot of women do have incomes these days. In some cases, that income is higher than the man. Obviously, a man isn't going to pay when the woman makes more! Heck, if FI and I ever divorced, I'd probably have to pay him (except that we're getting a prenup).

Elle1036

I knew I liked you, Leia!

zipis1

I am definitely a feminist. I believe in choice to be a SAHM or a doctor, I believe in equality, and the ability for women to stand on their own two feet. I will not be taking BF's name, as my name is who I am. CMC, that's me, and my heritage (my last name is Native American. His is just a big ole ???? And I don't believe that his name and identity are more important than mine just because he has a penis), my parents will not be asked for permission/blessings, and there's a good chance I won't have a garter toss or be walked down the aisle on my wedding day. I hate how feminism has been perverted, and how it is now viewed as a dirty thing that only ball breakers and bra burners take part in. I hate that women feel they are not feminists for reasons that aren't even related to actual feminism, when as long as they believe women should have the right to vote and earn equal wages for equal work , they are feminists.

I am comfortable with my position, and love it. I hate though, that this skewed understanding and attitude toward of feminism has stopped further progression. We have come a long way in feminist rights, but we are not yet equal, and this fact has been clouded. Women are told that we "have enough" and "have nothing else to fight for" when we still make only 77 cents for every dollar men make, and while the gap was once closing, it's now widening again, likely due to the very thing Leia mentioned. Misogynistic jokes have become hip and acceptable, and with that acceptance comes an acceptance that such things are based in reality and are OK to truly think. It's setting us back.

I also feel that men need to fight for further equality too. Boys should be allowed to play with Barbies or join ballet without ridicule. Gay sex shouldn't be seen as nasty while lesbian sex is seen as hot or more acceptable. Equality is equality, as it should be for both sides.

BF loves my viewpoints and shares them, and says that it was only after he started dating me that he truly realized how sexist our society still is. He knew there was some, but didn't realize just how much still existed.

As for how to teach your son, you've already started on a great path. You left the man who behaved poorly and disrespected you. It does not sound like his mother did. That shows him that it is not OK and not acceptable. It's a fantastic start and I commend you for it.

As others have said, all you can do now is lead by example and reinforcement. He will see that your BF treats you with respect and kindness, and know that that is how women should be treated. If he ever says or does something sexist, immediately correct him. Tell him that you don't care WHO told him to say those things, it's rude, unacceptable, and that any repeats past the first offense will be punished so that he can learn respect for women, then follow through. Have him help with chores around the house so that he knows there is no "women's work" vs. "men's work" (his potential future wife will thank you for that alone).

Good luck. I hope you can break the cycle, and like I said, you've already got a good start.

tafft1

I am farthest from a feminist definition you could possibly get - however I think its an indivudal choice and "my way" may not be good or right for you and vice versa - i was brought up to respect people from all backgrounds/color/nationality and their opinions even if they differ from mine - variety is important in life.

With that said I live my life in a traditonal household - 1950's - passive/submissive housewife if you would. All the descisons are delegated by my husband though he seeks my opinions on things and we discuss things as needed - He has the final say. This is the life I knew growing up in my own childhood and one I sought out for myself purposely. I am of course completely able to be strong and independant - I choose to not be and let my husband lead in manners of our home , my health choices , how our money is spent to what food we eat and when , etc. It may seem domineering or controlling on the outside but those who understand our lives realize this is what we BOTH want.

I personally admire those of you and others who are those strong women role models - it is not anything I could ever be. I was not raised to necessarily depend on a man for everything - I was given the freedom to search out my own path in life and found what I needed in a very structured household that was male led.
With that said - we have discussed raising kids and it will be a joint effort with emphasis on both sides of the coin as it were. It will be their choice in the end when they are adults but we will raise them with equality values and understanding to be independant individuals that can then make their own path as we have chosen our own.

DanielleZZ

I dont really know what i am.  i think that women should/are capable of doing everything that men do and should be treated as equals in everyway and never expected to do something or be a certain way just because they are female. 

with that said i live my personal life a little differently: I will be leaving my job in a few weeks to stay at home and be a "housewife",  i have a homecooked meal on the table everynight and enjoy doing so. and for some reason i love the idea of vacuuming in pearls!  I also think it is my job to physically please my man but he also thinks it is his job to return the favor so that works out very well.  I do these things because i enjoy them but i would never expect another woman to be like this and i welcome the idea of a man in a "househusband" role.