Not Engaged Yet

A flurry of emotions

I just need to vent a bit.  I don't even know if it is a vent.

BF gave me a timeline of WHEN he would propose BY, which I initially ignored because I really wanted to be surprised.  Now that the timeline is coming to a close, only 2-3 more visits with each other until that deadline, I have had one hell of a roller coaster of emotions about it.

It started 4-20 when BF emailed a love note about how much he regrets leaving me to go to LA, which is something we both agreed on him doing because it was better for our future together.  He also wrote about how he is ready to get engaged and can't stop thinking about it, and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  I started crying at work and awkwarded out some male coworkers, but there has been a lot of crying lately because it is a really bad semester for some of my lovely ladies.

I called him after work and he told me that he went to the jewelry district but didn't end up with a ring because he was so overwhelmed.  I was excited. 

He told me that he would propose graduation weekend.  I freaked out.  Like the kind of freak out where you are finishing up school and a thesis and can't think about anything else.  My mom is also moving away the day after I graduate, and I told him that I felt way too emotional for it to happen graduation weekend and I may have a panic attack.  I am somewhat prone to panic attacks, no thanks to growing up with an alcoholic dad.

I was then really sad because I wouldn't get my surprise and thus made BF really sad.

I then was angry at myself for being so selfish to want a surprise so bad that I made BF feel bad about it.

I talked to him about waiting until we are full time (as he likes to call it) so that we won't have to worry about leaving each other at the end of a weekend and have a couple days at most to celebrate with each other.

It is so important to him that he proposes before I move out there.  He wants to do it before my Mom moves away and before I move away from the rest of my family/friends.  I realized that whenever it happens, surprise or not, it is going to be perfect.  I have now gone back to being excited about it.  He is going shopping around for moissanite this weekend and is going to try to get a ring by graduation.  With all of the stress of the end of my degree, and having a crazy roommate, it is something that makes me really happy and I hope that I don't have any more mood swings about it.

After reading this long story, if any of you do, I have 2 questions.  Did any of you know it was coming and experience a flurry of emotions as a result? How did you handle it if so?

Re: A flurry of emotions

  • edited December 2011
    Also, post and run becaue I lost track of time and need to get my butt out to some night collecting!!!!
  • goobersinlovegoobersinlove member
    500 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I also cannot answer your official questions as I am not engaged yet either. But I feel that I'm in a similar boat in that my bf and I are on the same page about getting engaged, getting married, white picket fence, etc. And while we have also discussed "timelines," we have not made ours as particular as yours.

    It is my opinion that, at the end of the day, it isn't necessarily going to matter exactly when he proposes. Seeing as you guys have been together for a long time, I don't think you will appreciate your proposal more if it happened before or after a particular day/event or, similarly, look back at your proposal wishing that it happened at a different time than it did. Does that make sense? That you got engaged is what matters.

    I think it would help calm all the crazy emotions if you took a lot of emphasis off the timing.  I'm not saying that you don't have a lot of big things going on in your life right now and, yes, you need to work around those accordingly. But you seem to have so many contingencies and it's putting a lot of pressure on both of you. In my opinion, a proposal by your fiance-to-be shouldn't necessarily be something that would make him overwhelmed (as you say) in this type of way.

    Maybe it would be a good idea to figure out what would make more sense to you as a couple... "it" happening according to your original timeline or, alternatively, waiting until you are full time again. (Personally, I would favor the latter - but you should agree on what makes sense for YOU.) Stick to a generalized plan, and then set him free to work out the details/timing on his own so as to be able to surprise you. In other words, just let it happen when it happens.

    That's my two cents anyway.
  • azdancer8azdancer8 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I didn't know for *sure* that DH was going to propose when he did, but I had a very, VERY good idea that it was coming. Most of my emotion was extreme excitement, but there was also a lot of impatience.

    See, I was in CA, flying home to AZ. (Then) BF and I were supposed to go out to a formal dinner that night (our ten month anniversary) after my plane landed. However my flight was delayed, and then cancelled, and then rescheduled. I was going repeatedly through security, antsy beyond belief, because I wanted to get to our dinner (and suspected proposal). My flight ended up planned to get in so late that we rescheduled the dinner for the next night. Poor guy had to run all over town re-setting everything up for the next day while I was sitting in the airport. Let's just say that both of us were highly emotional that night and all the next day until dinner. We survived the anticipation, and DH proposed beautifully. :) 

    Even though I knew it was coming, it was still surreal. I tried to play it as innocent as I could, since I knew it was important that DH propose in his own way. Whether you know it's coming or not, you still only get engaged once. You'll be fine!
  • edited December 2011
    Ok.  You need to stop trying to control everything.  I realize this is easier said than done, because I too am a HUGE control freak.  However, you've kinda already shot yourself in the foot.  You want to be surprised?  Here's what you do.  Call your BF and say, "Honey, I've been completely BSC.  I have been trying to control the proposal and be surprised at the same time, which is not even possible.  I want you to propose to me whenever you feel ready, wherever you want, and HOWEVER you want, and I will shut my trap about it from here on out."

    You won't get a panic attack.  Trust me.  I, too, am prone to panic attacks.  When he proposes, you'll be SO happy.  Not nervous or anxious. 

    Don't overthink this.  Overthinking is where madness lies.

    EDIT:  And to answer your questions, I was pretty sure it would happen last summer, and it happened the weekend before Law School started.  I had a good idea that it would be that weekend, but it wasn't explicitly stated.  I was excited.  I had a BRIEF (like 5 millisecond) freakout when FI was proposing, but it went away because I was just SO happy.
  • edited December 2011
    FI and I went ring shopping together a year ago last February when I found out that he was moving away to take a new job. We weren't ready to get engaged yet, but we both wanted the other one to know we were serious about our relationship before he left.

    He moved away in April.

    Fast forward to this past November, we decided that we were ready to get engaged, and started the ring shopping process. We found my perfect ring at a local jeweler. I didn't think much about the ring, because I knew he wanted to keep looking alone (but I did continuously hint to him that he could stop looking).

    We talked to his and my parents at Thanksgiving, and told them our plans to get married. I became obsessed with weddings at that point.

    FI and I decided to go look at venues because we knew we wanted a Christmas wedding, and I started flipping out that we had less than a year to plan this thing. I assumed he would propose the weekend we were looking at venues. He didn't, and I became all bratty with him. We left one venue and I burst into tears because every venue asked where my ring was and how it happened. FI kept making up big elaborate stories about the proposal. I told him we were not going to the rest of our appointments until he started taking this seriously and bought a ring. He then told me he bought a ring (Suprise ruined).

    Christmas and New Years came and went with no proposal. I became very bratty during every visit. When he wouldn't propose, I'd sulk and pout. Since I knew he bought a ring, he started leaving it out on the table when I'd come to visit. We fought a lot (and we hardly every fight).

    So, I didn't handle the emotions very well. We fought constantly after I knew he had the ring because I kept anticipating it. He ended up having the ring for 2 months before he proposed. Because I was being is bratty, he kept not proposing. The weekend he finally did it, I made a conscious decision that I wasn't going to talk or think about proposals/weddings during that visit.
    ~~December 3, 2011~~
  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 Washington, DC member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I just offer love and hugs and good vibes your way.  <3
    I french with my man
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  • edited December 2011
    BF has already bought the ring and I'm pretty sure he's going to propose during our trip to Russia (In less than a month!) I'm super excited but I'm trying to remain calm. I know once we're actually in Russia it's going to drive me crazy though.

    Just try not to think about it. Keep yourself occupied by thinking of something else.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks for all the advice and support. 

    I definitely want it when he is ready, which is now or when we get to see each other, what's important to me is being engaged to the man that loves me no matter how/when it happens. It seems that in general (from PP) LDR=unneeded craziness in the e-department, be it excitement, fighting, or anxiety.  Getting more and more school work knocked out of the way seems to be helping with it.  I am also feeling more excited about it.  School needs to be over already!  
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_flurry-of-emotions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d0619bbe-b15a-4b7b-a16e-f5e910ad0b61Post:5f22f2e5-7ea1-4aeb-850d-7b2a8058019b">A flurry of emotions</a>:
    [QUOTE] After reading this long story, if any of you do, I have 2 questions.  Did any of you know it was coming and experience a flurry of emotions as a result? How did you handle it if so?
    Posted by amsybot[/QUOTE]

    <div>I am not engaged yet. I know it's coming, and I don't know when or how. I want to be surprised, but the anxiety kills me. The only way to get my mind off of it lately is to bury myself in school work, or my garden. I get your anticipation. Today, on a scale of 0 (not thinking about it) to 10 (crazy butterflies that make me wanna cry and or puke)... I'm at a 2. Try to put yourself on this scale on a daily basis. If you're at 5 or above feel free to PM me. We can commiserate together. :)</div>
    www.nurseyk.weebly.com
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_flurry-of-emotions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d0619bbe-b15a-4b7b-a16e-f5e910ad0b61Post:2db41a93-e361-420e-84d1-7665456b4414">Re: A flurry of emotions</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to A flurry of emotions : I am not engaged yet. I know it's coming, and I don't know when or how. I want to be surprised, but the anxiety kills me. The only way to get my mind off of it lately is to bury myself in school work, or my garden. I get your anticipation. Today, on a scale of 0 (not thinking about it) to 10 (crazy butterflies that make me wanna cry and or puke)... I'm at a 2. Try to put yourself on this scale on a daily basis. If you're at 5 or above feel free to PM me. We can commiserate together. :)
    Posted by NurseyK[/QUOTE]

    This is a good idea.  I will take you up on that offer. 
  • edited December 2011
    I'm not engaged yet... 

    I want to be surprised but I'd like it to just happen too ;-) We keep planning for the future,  <sigh> not really answering your questions. Yeah- there are other people in your shoes at least you know he's making strides forward.

    /* edited */
  • edited December 2011
    COSmitty, it is hard to have a timeline from BF.  I know exactly how you feel.  I'm not sure why guys give us timelines like this, maybe it makes them feel good that we know they are serious. 
  • edited December 2011
    My story is a little bit like Ember as far as the emotions go. When we were about the 2.5 year dating mark (July 2010) that was when I started thinking about getting engaged ALL the time.  I always wanted a Fall wedding (particularly October, which he knew) and we were waiting until after we graduated this May to get married. I am SUCH a planner and FI is much more relaxed and a procrastinator. So I became frustrated because I knew how much went into planning a wedding, especially one at our size (525 guests). I knew how fast venues booked up and I worried that he was leaving enough time to get everything done. We talked about marraige quite a bit.

     I really thought he was going ot propose on my 22nd birthday October 5th. He didn't. I was really upset and cried. Then I felt stupid. It began a pattern. I thought he was going to purpose on Thanksgiving. He didn't. I thought he was going to propse on Christmas or New Years. He didn't. I knew the engagement was coming soon he had assured me "just a little longer." Man, those were some frustrating times! We also had quite a few fights about it that ended in tears. Finally, I realized I HAD to stop talking about the engagement or I would ruin it. He proposed on January 8th 2011.  He later told me if I hadn't changed my attitude he would've pushed it back even further. The first 2 weeks were so crazy busy. We rused to go find a venue/church for October 2011. There was nothing available. I was upset at first but now I love my date and found awesome deals for having a November wedding!

    Looking back, even though it was a frustrating time, waiting made it that much sweeter when it finally did happen. If I could go back I would have just enjoyed the dating process and not freaked out so much. I am a control freak and it was great practice and learning how to let go and trust my FI. I am so glad that my enagement will only be about 10 months instead of longer. His timing ended up being perfect!  I spent time looking forward to an engagement and now I am enjoying being engaged and don't want to wait any longer than this! Enjoy whatever stage your at. Then enjoy the next and the next. Your emotions are understandable but try to control them it will make it more enjoyable in the end!
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  • goobersinlovegoobersinlove member
    500 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_flurry-of-emotions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d0619bbe-b15a-4b7b-a16e-f5e910ad0b61Post:9beab28e-55cd-463d-b142-3ebe97e55a24">Re: A flurry of emotions</a>:
    [QUOTE] Enjoy whatever stage your at. Then enjoy the next and the next. Your emotions are understandable but try to control them it will make it more enjoyable in the end!
    Posted by marinarose24[/QUOTE]

    I really like this!! It's so true and something I need to remember more often.
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